Should I offer to be friends with an otherwise good match that has kids or just unmatch her?

[max3732]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

 

I don't want to put my exact age, but very close to 40. Pretty soon I'll be the 40 year old virgin I was dreading becoming 10 years ago.

[Cookiesandough]

Well look at it this way,  you’re waiting for marriage, max. Those are your values, that’s fine. It’s not unusual for someone to be first married close to your age. 

Edited April 13, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[chillii]

Back when l was on a date site it had your page where you just talk about yourself , probably just the bio part you mentioned and you could just add anything you wanted or didn't want in that too. It also had a second part where you could talk about what you were looking for rather than ticking boxes, so you could also add whatever you wanted or didn't in that part too , like no kids. Personally l'd think because you've got such a clean slate l'd think someone in a similar situation would suit you much better, but 2 marriages already plus kids , is gonna be way way past that and a lot to deal with , and your being smart about the ex's too , why should you also have to cope with that on top of it.

On mine back when l put l'd prefer someone with no kids or one at most , l don't care if the others wanna call me names or carry on, that's all l was willing to deal with full stop and it was fine , l only met women with one or no kids , saved me a whole lotta avoiding situations like yours now with her. lt would've cut out most and l did see one or two that seemed perfect except they had a pile of kids or something else but it just wasn't where l'd wanna be so l left it. And most of the women had lists a mile long on theirs or what they do or don't want and had no qualms whatsoever saying pretty well anything really on theirs anyway so. Thing is if there's things you feel strongly about or plans that you have like your own family , best just remove all the bs day one and focus on what's really gonna be right for you imo and there's also the time factor too, you don't wanna waste more years dealing with all the wrong women trying to make square pegs fit round holes.. Good luck anyway.

Edited April 13, 2020 by chillii

[salparadise]

4 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

We talked for a while, and she seemed OVERLY anxious to talk with me when our friend said I was recently divorced. BUT... when I found out she had 4 kids...

Yea, I certainly get that. With four your life would end up being all about the kids and their activities... and if they aren't your kids, well, where do you get the motivation? With one or two you can coexist and let the mother do most of the parenting. 

The last relationship I was in, she had two teenagers (mine was off to college). Even with two, schedules were defined by the kids. We got together a few hours twice a week, and had every other weekend wide open. This followed their father's visitation schedule. If he had to cancel, sex got canceled. Sometimes I'd miss out due to a haircut appointment. So I'm pretty sure two (under 18) is the limit. Once they're past 18, it's different.

It also matters how mature the kids are, and how much reality they're used to dealing with. If they can be left alone, better. If they know and accept that you're having sex with their mother, it takes a lot of the tension out of the situation.

[Ruby Slippers]

I always talked about our views on kids before meeting or even having a phone call. It's an important topic to touch upon in future initial messages.

[Cookiesandough]

When did you find out she had kids/divorced.? 

[max3732]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

When did you find out she had kids/divorced.? 

During our 1st phone call. We'd been messaging back and forth for a couple weeks.

She asked me about my last relationship and then told me about what happened with her. So I don't have a lot invested with her. It's just she checks a lot of other boxes that are hard for me to find. 

[Cookiesandough]

I think she should have told you early in text or had it in her profile, actually. Kids are a big deal 

[chillii]

 

Yeah , always talk about big stuff like that early and it's all very natural need to know things so it's very easy to talk about.

Edited April 14, 2020 by chillii

[Emilie Jolie]

7 hours ago, max3732 said:

So I don't have a lot invested with her. It's just she checks a lot of other boxes that are hard for me to find

You are looking at this from your perspective only, and what is to your advantage. What vibes are you getting from her? 

I honestly would not be asking a person I have never met and have only spoken to for 2 weeks over the phone for a 'friendship' date, I personally find it a little too self-serving. At least wait to see how she takes the news that you have no romantic interest in her; if you get the sense she's on the same 'friendship' page you are, suggest a platonic meeting then. You need to be considerate of her feelings too.

[basil67]

What @Emilie Jolie said.   The messages is "you're good enough to be my friend, but not good enough to date"  Can't see that going down well at all.

[basil67]

8 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I think she should have told you early in text or had it in her profile, actually. Kids are a big deal 

It sounds like they've had one phone call and she told him during the call.  It's not like he's spent any significant amount of time or money on her.   

 

 

 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

14 hours ago, max3732 said:

It's just she checks a lot of other boxes that are hard for me to find. 

But this is a big one. In the future, ask about kids and any other very important topics in initial messages. I always did, didn't bother to communicate further with men with very young kids, men who were separated (still married), etc.

[SumGuy]

Max, do you have it in your profile that you are interested only in women with no kids but want kids yourself?  She should have filled in the kid field in my opinion (the kid/no kid question is very important info to most), but it does go both ways.

It's important to put such deal breakers up front if the site your using doesn't have it as a field, to save yourself time.  It can be done in a positive way...looking for someone who doesn't have kids yet but wants to start a family eventually with the right person...

Believe you also mentioned that tattoos and non-ear piercings are a deal breaker.  Not sure if there is a field for this on the site you use but this is something I believe a lot of people with a tattoo, or a non-ear piercing may not think is a deal breaker, also it is not obvious.    So could well not see in a picture, even a beach shot, and unlikely to spontaneously arise in conversation.

[Cookiesandough]

1 hour ago, SumGuy said:

Max, do you have it in your profile that you are interested only in women with no kids but want kids yourself?  She should have filled in the kid field in my opinion (the kid/no kid question is very important info to most), but it does go both ways.

It's important to put such deal breakers up front if the site your using doesn't have it as a field, to save yourself time.  It can be done in a positive way...looking for someone who doesn't have kids yet but wants to start a family eventually with the right person...

Believe you also mentioned that tattoos and non-ear piercings are a deal breaker.  Not sure if there is a field for this on the site you use but this is something I believe a lot of people with a tattoo, or a non-ear piercing may not think is a deal breaker, also it is not obvious.    So could well not see in a picture, even a beach shot, and unlikely to spontaneously arise in conversation.

I don't think he should put deal breakers in his profile. Personally, I don't like when profiles have a list of "deal breakers" in them. It reads as kind of negative. There's so many other things to fill a profile with. I think it's find to reject people as offers come to him based on pics/profile content? .  I would have no qualms with breaking off with someone weeks in who omitted they had kids.

Edited April 14, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Ruby Slippers]

I respectfully agree that deal-breakers in a profile are a turnoff. I think it's more attractive to focus on the positive, what you're hoping for, rather than list off must- or must-not-haves.

Stance on kids is a pretty personal matter that I wouldn't put up on my profile for anyone to see. I reserved those discussions for the time after basic compatibility and interest had been established.

[SumGuy]

10 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I don't think he should put deal breakers in his profile. Personally, I don't like when profiles have a list of "deal breakers" in them. It reads as kind of negative. There's so many other things to fill a profile with. I think it's find to reject people as offers come to him based on pics/profile content? .  I would have no qualms with breaking off with someone weeks in who omitted they had kids.

I get you on the kid thing, and it's perfectly legit to drop someone who omits or delays on this information.  Guessing though OP would rather not waste weeks before finding out.     

I believe there is a positive way to put the information in, not as a deal breaker list (dislike those too) but as what he is looking for statement.  For example the difference in "don't want a person with kids" versus "looking for a person without children interested in starting a family with the right person."  They both can get to the same result but with a different tone and approach.

Again only a suggestion that might avoid women who have kids.  It's a big decision point for most so bringing it up in messaging or a phone call is fine as well.

However, what about the tattoo or piercing thing?  That is something that might be hard to just bring up and could only to be discovered in an intimate moment. 

 

 

 

[Cookiesandough]

8 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

I get you on the kid thing, and it's perfectly legit to drop someone who omits or delays on this information.  Guessing though OP would rather not waste weeks before finding out.     

I believe there is a positive way to put the information in, not as a deal breaker list (dislike those too) but as what he is looking for statement.  For example the difference in "don't want a person with kids" versus "looking for a person without children interested in starting a family with the right person."  They both can get to the same result but with a different tone and approach.

f

I suppose that's better. It's just that Putting any kind of "do not want" in a serious way in profiles always comes across as too rigid to me. but yeah,, based on importance, asking her "Do you have children?" "Do you have any tattoos or piercings?" in the initial text convo. People are usually more than ok with talking about this stuff. 

Edited April 14, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[SumGuy]

1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said:

I suppose that's better. It's just that Putting any kind of "do not want" in profiles always comes across as rigid to me. but yeah,, based on importance, asking her "Do you have children?" "Do you have any tattoos or piercings?" People are usually more than ok with talking about this stuff. 

I agree with that, but in a way if they are not ok with it that is (or should say was) part of my filtering process.  Yet, I was never one for asking questions like that in dating, so it is a bit foreign to me.   

[Cookiesandough]

Same. And I want to clarify - I do not think that he should shoot these questions off in an interrogation-style manner, either. I just mean there are ways to be sly about it. I don't know for sure, but I'm sure people who find it important can come up with some ways. Even not making it a pointed question, but actually about you like "I am actually looking to start a family with someone else without children"  in the texting or making it seem casual like 

Edited April 14, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[max3732]

6 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

But this is a big one. In the future, ask about kids and any other very important topics in initial messages. I always did, didn't bother to communicate further with men with very young kids, men who were separated (still married), etc.

It's just kind of awkward for me to ask this while also trying to keep it light and playful. Like we're talking about her favorite movies and then I ask if she's ever been married or has kids? I'll try and work it in if possible in the future.

There's someone I've chatted with on the phone a few times and been exchanging texts with for a while that I really like, but I haven't asked her that specifically. I did ask about her family and she talked about her siblings, parents and pets and didn't mention any kids so I figure I'm ok.

[max3732]

6 hours ago, SumGuy said:

Max, do you have it in your profile that you are interested only in women with no kids but want kids yourself?  She should have filled in the kid field in my opinion (the kid/no kid question is very important info to most), but it does go both ways.

It's important to put such deal breakers up front if the site your using doesn't have it as a field, to save yourself time.  It can be done in a positive way...looking for someone who doesn't have kids yet but wants to start a family eventually with the right person...

Believe you also mentioned that tattoos and non-ear piercings are a deal breaker.  Not sure if there is a field for this on the site you use but this is something I believe a lot of people with a tattoo, or a non-ear piercing may not think is a deal breaker, also it is not obvious.    So could well not see in a picture, even a beach shot, and unlikely to spontaneously arise in conversation.

I'm on several different dating apps and on all of them I put I've never been married and don't have any kids. The problem is the search for those things since some women don't fill it out and some don't let you search for those. I like the way you phrased that in a positive light and I think I'm going to borrow/steal it for my profile. 

As some others have said it's nice to keep the profile positive. Is there a positive way of saying I don't want anyone with tattoos or non-ear piercings? I can't tell you how many times I've seen an otherwise beautiful woman and then notice a tattoo or piercing. It's the same feeling as with smokers except all the sites let you filter for that.

[Ruby Slippers]

5 minutes ago, max3732 said:

It's just kind of awkward for me to ask this while also trying to keep it light and playful. Like we're talking about her favorite movies and then I ask if she's ever been married or has kids? I'll try and work it in if possible in the future.

When I was online dating, I let the man bring it up and the serious ones always did. These questions are perfectly reasonable to ask a potential romantic partner at this stage. Kids and their ages, desires for kids or more kids, marital history.

Edited April 14, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[max3732]

43 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

When I was online dating, I let the man bring it up and the serious ones always did. These questions are perfectly reasonable to ask a potential romantic partner at this stage. Kids and their ages, desires for kids or more kids, marital history.

Do you remember how he brought it up? In your first face to face meeting or the phone/texts?

[Ruby Slippers]

Serious men would bring it up in the first 5 minutes of messaging. I learned it's a good sign of a mindset for something lasting.