Should I offer to be friends with an otherwise good match that has kids or just unmatch her?

[chillii]

12 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

When I was online dating, I let the man bring it up and the serious ones always did. These questions are perfectly reasonable to ask a potential romantic partner at this stage. Kids and their ages, desires for kids or more kids, marital history.

Yeah l found the same , 1/2 the time she asked me, none of this stuff was remotely a biggie ever , perfectly natural convo to my mind.

Thinking back l remember mine had boxes all about kids and marriage and stuff too, think l put my 1 daughter , divorced , a lot of women also talked about all that on their page too though , or often the old- my kids are my life line and stuff like that- they will have to come first blah blah. A lot did a bit of an intro like l'm a divorced woman 46 with 3 kids and things like that too or stuff like l'm financially independent or talked about their work , you name it really.

Sounds like my site was very open compared to others, you could put anything you wanted really

 

Edited April 15, 2020 by chillii

[max3732]

12 hours ago, chillii said:

Yeah l found the same , 1/2 the time she asked me, none of this stuff was remotely a biggie ever , perfectly natural convo to my mind.

Thinking back l remember mine had boxes all about kids and marriage and stuff too, think l put my 1 daughter , divorced , a lot of women also talked about all that on their page too though , or often the old- my kids are my life line and stuff like that- they will have to come first blah blah. A lot did a bit of an intro like l'm a divorced woman 46 with 3 kids and things like that too or stuff like l'm financially independent or talked about their work , you name it really.

Sounds like my site was very open compared to others, you could put anything you wanted really

 

There are some sites that are much more open about letting you put what you want in your bio. Some of them now only let you search by a few "must haves" and then charge you if you want to have a further screen. So for example if I put age range and no smoking then I can't restrict anything else and get matches with kids, etc.

[Cookiesandough]

If you want to be "nice" , it's not friending her and stringing her along.. I think maybe you should slow fade her.  I know there are some people who just cannot seem to take a hint, but most people know what it means when your replies get shorter and more space in between them. No questions, even "you?" That way you aren't forced to tell her why and things end more gradually so she's not as upset/mad. I don't see how it's nicer to explain to her how a fundamental part of her makes her not worth dating

Edited April 15, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Springsummer]

I have yet to find a man who only wants to be friend with me.

[Cookiesandough]

oops off topic delete

Edited April 15, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Foxhall]

Just on this kids thing,

Personally I think if you get involved in a step dad type situation,

you are better to have your own child with the woman also , that makes you more connected to the family and unites you all together,

so if you want kids yourself, and she has a few already is it, (one or two would be my limit I think)

well the only way I see that working is having another kid with her and you unite as one big happy family. otherwise you will always be nothing but an outsider.

[Cookiesandough]

----

Edited April 16, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Blind-Sided]

12 hours ago, Springsummer said:

I have yet to find a man who only wants to be friend with me.

The meeting and situation has to be right... and there needs to be no "Flirting"... at least at first. I'm so very thankful I had good female friends when my marriage was falling apart.  It's no fun to cry on another guy's shoulder.

But to keep this on topic.....

I was chatting with my GF last nigh.  As you may recall, she wasn't originally interested in a guy with kids. But she has told me now... she has really come to care for my kids, and would like to be part of their life, but will not try to be "MOM" at all. (She just wants to be their friend)  Who knows... you may find that you like her kids.

Edited April 16, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[chillii]

13 hours ago, Springsummer said:

I have yet to find a man who only wants to be friend with me.

Really , known quite a few women over the years l'd only wanted to be friends with, or you'd say l'd thought they'd make nice friends , it's never ever worked out though.

[SumGuy]

16 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Just on this kids thing,

Personally I think if you get involved in a step dad type situation,

you are better to have your own child with the woman also , that makes you more connected to the family and unites you all together,

Good points. Also if you meet a woman and are wondering what kind of mother should would be, if you really do align on child rearing, with a woman with kids already you know.  No guessing.  Valid points if you are on the edge about the no kids thing.

[max3732]

Just to follow up here. She messaged me and I told her a lot of great things I noticed about her, but that I want to date and find someone to start a family with so I would like to date someone who doesn't already have kids. She said no problem and asked if I would be friends and I told her yes. Then she offered to help set me up with some of her girlfriends! So that worked even better than I'd hoped. We'll see if she actually does set me up.

[SumGuy]

2 hours ago, max3732 said:

Just to follow up here. She messaged me and I told her a lot of great things I noticed about her, but that I want to date and find someone to start a family with so I would like to date someone who doesn't already have kids. She said no problem and asked if I would be friends and I told her yes. Then she offered to help set me up with some of her girlfriends! So that worked even better than I'd hoped. We'll see if she actually does set me up.

That's great news!  She sounds even more like a good catch now  

I suspect her intentions are genuine but building a friendship and setting someone up take time and work.  Don't immediately assume she mislead you if it doesn't happen or is a very slow, like 6 months from now, thing.   I forget how many kids she has but being essentially a single dad myself (luckily my kids are all older, e.g. are driving) kids are very time consuming;  and when she does have free time, don't expect yourself to be the top of her priorities, after work, her preexisting friends, chores, relaxation, and let's not forget her own romantic search.  Consider it a testament to your own value and how much she likes you, as you, if she does continue.  

Did you offer to return the favor? Set her up if someone you know comes along?   

[max3732]

3 hours ago, SumGuy said:

That's great news!  She sounds even more like a good catch now  

I suspect her intentions are genuine but building a friendship and setting someone up take time and work.  Don't immediately assume she mislead you if it doesn't happen or is a very slow, like 6 months from now, thing.   I forget how many kids she has but being essentially a single dad myself (luckily my kids are all older, e.g. are driving) kids are very time consuming;  and when she does have free time, don't expect yourself to be the top of her priorities, after work, her preexisting friends, chores, relaxation, and let's not forget her own romantic search.  Consider it a testament to your own value and how much she likes you, as you, if she does continue.  

Did you offer to return the favor? Set her up if someone you know comes along?   

Yes, I did offer to return the favor and I genuinely would if I knew anyone. Like I said before all my friends are already married except for another guy who is dating but also wants to start his own family. 

I was kind of hoping she'd send me the contact info for her friends, but I'll be patient. I was expecting a nasty message back so this was a pleasant surprise. Just wish I could get women to value me who are my type.

[chillii]

9 hours ago, max3732 said:

Just to follow up here. She messaged me and I told her a lot of great things I noticed about her, but that I want to date and find someone to start a family with so I would like to date someone who doesn't already have kids. She said no problem and asked if I would be friends and I told her yes. Then she offered to help set me up with some of her girlfriends! So that worked even better than I'd hoped. We'll see if she actually does set me up.

Well there ya go , ya see that's more like it. l never know why it has to be such and offense to not want to start something with someone that already has kids or whatever . It's not personal , it's just about whatever where looking for and perfectly understandable.

[Juha]

On 4/17/2020 at 10:38 AM, max3732 said:

Just to follow up here. She messaged me and I told her a lot of great things I noticed about her, but that I want to date and find someone to start a family with so I would like to date someone who doesn't already have kids. She said no problem and asked if I would be friends and I told her yes. Then she offered to help set me up with some of her girlfriends! So that worked even better than I'd hoped. We'll see if she actually does set me up.

This is the proverbial needle in a haystack if this actually is what happens...

Although I have heard/seen this before and the woman just was being nice by saying it

 

I really hope she follows through with what she said, it would be great!

Edited April 19, 2020 by Juha

[spiderowl]

Sounds like you did the right thing by being honest with her.  I know she didn't put on her profile that she had kids but I can also understand women being wary of doing that too.  There are predators about.

As someone who had kids and was dating (occasionally), I would not have been offended if someone had said they no longer wanted to continue because I had kids.  Well, I might have been because it was on my profile that I had kids.  But honestly, if a guy said something like that, I would not have wanted him, so in a way that situation resolves itself.

If this lady ticks all the other boxes, as you say, then she probably has other suitors and is not likely to be too worried about losing one.