Finished with girlfriend of 4 years - Did I do the right thing?

[unbeknown]

Hi all, I was hoping to get some clarity on my situation if possible.

I was with my girlfriend for 4 years. I'm 29 and she's 23 so there's always been a bit of an age gap where I now feel we may have been at different stages in life. She cheated on me in the very early days of our relationship a few months in. First red flag. I stupidly gave her the benefit of the doubt and forgave her and took her back. I moved past that. The reason why I have ended it with her is I have just found out that when she's been going on nights out she's been taking drugs (coke, mdma) after promising me she has stopped. I used to smoke a lot of weed when I was 18/19 so I can't have the moral high ground but I quit 10 years ago and I no longer associate with drugs in any shape or form aside from alcohol.

She knows how I feel about drugs now and in the early stages of the relationship she started doing them with friends (I wasn't present). She told me she would stop when I found out so that was strike 1. I forgave her.

She then met some new friends and started taking drugs again behind my back on nights out. I found out after an argument. Strike 2. Fast forward 2 years and she's recently started University and has met some new friends that she plans on living with next year moving out of her family home.

Whilst I was staying at hers, I was using her laptop to send some emails and her chrome browser kept popping up with Facebook messages from her uni coursework group so I clicked the notification to get rid of the pop ups and it accidentality opened her Facebook messenger. I know it was wrong and I feel our relationship was already doomed when I did this but I looked at her messages from the girls she's living with next year and there was loads about her picking up drugs and referencing their drug taking on nights out.

She's begging me and saying she will drop out of Uni and not live with these girls. I wouldn't dream of expecting her to do that.

My head and judgement is so clouded right now. 4 years is a long time and I'm not getting any younger. We had so much planned. I feel like I'm not going to meet anyone else when I see all my friends getting married. But I don't think I could ever trust her again after lying to me not once, not twice but three times, especially living with these scatty girls who take drugs and sleep around with boys after every night out.

She's trying to spin it on me saying I shouldn't have looked at her messages. And that I don't give her the attention she needs - I live 45 minutes away and we only get to see each other on weekends normally or on the odd weekday occasion due to work. We call and text every day though. She has known this is the situation from day one.

Any stern words or advice to clear my clouded mind greatly appreciated :) I'm just feeling lost as I don't have many friends at the moment - they've all drifted apart so without her I'll be going to every gig/concert by myself and won't be able to go on a night out on the weekend ever again. My life going forwards will be working, home, gym and running.

Many thanks

[Foxhall]

22 minutes ago, unbeknown said:

I'm just feeling lost as I don't have many friends at the moment

is this influencing your decision. Im guessing you probably would have exited the relationship feeling secure you had more friends to fall back on,

its important for you to get more social - make an extra effort at gigs to talk to more people.

only you can decide whether to end it. Im probably more tolerant than most so if I liked her enough Id try to help her through her issues,

the two of you appear to be on different wavelengths though, perhaps finding a girl who is looking for marriage and settling down would be the wisest choice from your end.

[preraph]

The problem is she's only 23 and she's never been single and carefree a day in her life. As a woman that was very important to me and to my development and who I became. I do think the age Gap is your problem here. you are at the age where you're about ready to settle down and she is in college so that's not going to happen. She is going to make friends that she may have the rest of her life in the next 3 or 4 years. And yes it may change her. 

Young people party. College people party. If they're going to do it this is the time to do it. I would be very surprised if this relationship lasts because she's just too young and hasn't been single yet. My guess is that she's going to behave as if she is single. 

 

You need to kick-start your own life and do some outside activities and make friends so you are not completely alone. That certainly can't be very fascinating to her. 

She's way too young to settle down. I don't know what to tell you about staying or not staying but I think she's going to be living her life regardless of the fact that you're sitting there waiting for her. At the very least you need to be ramping up your life as well and get social. 

Join a Meetup group ir a church or something. Take a night class. maybe even take a second job working at something medial but fun like retail where you meet people. I think you need to change it up. 

[ExpatInItaly]

She's too young and immature to have a very serious relationship. 

It's time to let her go.

[unbeknown]

14 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

is this influencing your decision. Im guessing you probably would have exited the relationship feeling secure you had more friends to fall back on,

its important for you to get more social - make an extra effort at gigs to talk to more people.

only you can decide whether to end it. Im probably more tolerant than most so if I liked her enough Id try to help her through her issues,

the two of you appear to be on different wavelengths though, perhaps finding a girl who is looking for marriage and settling down would be the wisest choice from your end.

Thanks for the thoughts. Hopefully once this lockdown is over I can get myself out there meeting people. Thing is I don't want marriage though. It's not something I believe in - a piece of paper doesn't determine my love for someone.

 

 

Everyone's commenting on the age but I didn't even think that was a problem? She's not immature. And she's been doing drugs before University. It's not that the people she's going to meet there will change her. I was more clouded up with the lying behind my back and constantly being led astray to drugs. The net relationship I have if ever will be less of an age gap certainly.

[preraph]

It's not about 6 years. It's about maturity. people under the age of mid-twenties don't even have their brains fully developed yet. The specific part of the brain that can predict consequences is still developing. And they haven't reach the life stages that an older person has. 

 

She's only been with you since she was a teen. She can't have much life experience but she's getting that now. 

 

You are more mature now and reaching an age when men tend to want to start settling down if they're going to. She's just now getting started. 

 

You don't want to become her father figure because that is a surefire way to kill sexual attraction.

[ExpatInItaly]

15 minutes ago, unbeknown said:

Everyone's commenting on the age but I didn't even think that was a problem? She's not immature. And she's been doing drugs before University. It's not that the people she's going to meet there will change her. I was more clouded up with the lying behind my back and constantly being led astray to drugs. The net relationship I have if ever will be less of an age gap certainly.

OP, a mature person doesn't lie to their partner about something repeatedly. The lying behind your back and getting this into partying and  drugs is a sign of immaturity, I'm afraid to tell you. 

Edited April 12, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[rjc149]

1 hour ago, unbeknown said:

She cheated on me in the very early days of our relationship a few months in. First red flag. I stupidly gave her the benefit of the doubt and forgave her and took her back.

She's trying to spin it on me saying I shouldn't have looked at her messages. And that I don't give her the attention she needs

So this right here -- you have a girl who has cheated on you (likely has since, and will likely do so again) when she's not getting the attention she wants. She's going to be out partying and clubbing with her new friends and meeting new guys who will give her more attention. She'll have bigger secrets than doing blow. Bet your bottom dollar on that. Or shilling or whatever. 

This basically comes down to a very young girl on her own wanting to experiment with drugs and have fun on her own terms, and you, her older, more mature boyfriend, forbidding her from doing that. Like her father. Except you are not her father. 

You have two options, as I see it. Accept your girlfriend for who she is and that your relationship has an approaching expiration date, or dump her and meet someone on your wavelength. Either way, you will need to let go of whatever expectations you're projecting on to her. 

[Supernova11]

8 hours ago, unbeknown said:

The reason why I have ended it with her is I have just found out that when she's been going on nights out she's been taking drugs (coke, mdma) after promising me she has stopped.

You did the right thing. 

You have different moral values and this will continue to cause havoc if you stay together. I dated someone a few years ago who did drugs. He was a good guy in many ways but the drugs situation turned our relationship into a complete nightmare. The longer we held on, the fonder we became, but still holding to our different moral values. Neither of us could let go and the pain we both went through when we eventually split up was horrific. It took me well over a year for me to get over him but I’m so glad I finally ended it. I would say that splitting up with him was one of the major positive turning points in my life so far, even though it was brutal.

Recently, I started seeing someone else and found out he was doing drugs - this time I stopped the relationship straight away.

People will have different moral views about drugs on this site but what’s important are your views and how they affect you.

You can probably tell what my view is. I don’t want to date someone who wants to do illegal drugs. My last ex admitted to me that his head is permanently messed up from doing too many pills when he was younger. I then said to him that if he knew drugs could be dangerous and addictive and that I hated them, if he wanted us to be together, why couldn’t he stop doing coke? He said that he just liked it and wasn’t addicted to it. So on hearing this, I suggested he deleted his dealers number from his phone. You would think he would do that if it wasn’t that big a deal but instead he went ape s***. Funny that!

Your values need to steer you, not your emotions. If you don’t hold true to your values and go back to that relationship, you will lose yourself. 

You do not need that bulls*** in your life 👍

[unbeknown]

41 minutes ago, Supernova11 said:

You did the right thing. 

You have different moral values and this will continue to cause havoc if you stay together. I dated someone a few years ago who did drugs. He was a good guy in many ways but the drugs situation turned our relationship into a complete nightmare. The longer we held on, the fonder we became, but still holding to our different moral values. Neither of us could let go and the pain we both went through when we eventually split up was horrific. It took me well over a year for me to get over him but I’m so glad I finally ended it. I would say that splitting up with him was one of the major positive turning points in my life so far, even though it was brutal.

Recently, I started seeing someone else and found out he was doing drugs - this time I stopped the relationship straight away.

People will have different moral views about drugs on this site but what’s important are your views and how they affect you.

You can probably tell what my view is. I don’t want to date someone who wants to do illegal drugs.

Thanks for the story and words. I know the feeling. I'm not even sternly against drugs, my friends do them. It's just not my scene. I don't want to be romantically involved with someone who does them on nights out when I'm not there and me having to deal with her comedown like some mug. Her staying up until 7-8am at after parties with who knows who. Especially lying behind my back about it. I feel as if she's broken my trust and I don't see a way around it but then I love her. This is the difficulty. I know I deserve better though.

[Marc878]

Let her go

[Supernova11]

3 hours ago, unbeknown said:

I don't see a way around it but then I love her. This is the difficulty. I know I deserve better though.

Unfortunately, just because you love someone, doesn’t mean they are good for you. It’s the pain of a break up that often stops us from doing the right thing. If you really love that person, it is horrible - there is no way around that and the pain will not be over quickly. However, I believe this situation is already tied up. You say that you know that you deserve better and the kind of language you’re using in your post is one of someone who knows that its over. Even if you were to get back with her, you will break up again at some point because you’re a person who has integrity and needs a partner with integrity and she has already proved the opposite by cheating on you and lying about doing drugs.

You may have heard the following famous quote by Maya Angelou:

‘When someone shows you who they are believe them’

I know you are churning the breakup over in your mind and wondering whether you did the right thing but its going to be pretty unanimous that everyone on this site will say you did the right thing because you did do the right thing - she doesn’t respect you.

My question to you is, are you yet at a stage where you can go no contact and start focussing on yourself because that will be the next part of the process and its not going to be easy.  You need to think of ways to start widening your friendship base too. Some ideas off the top of my head are meetup.com, joining new clubs. - sports, music jams, going out with existing friends for drinks and maybe trying new places to hang out in. Get some places where you became a regular e.g. regular place to get a coffee, grab a beer, grab some lunch.

Edited April 13, 2020 by Supernova11

[salparadise]

12 hours ago, unbeknown said:

Everyone's commenting on the age but I didn't even think that was a problem? She's not immature. And she's been doing drugs before University. It's not that the people she's going to meet there will change her. I was more clouded up with the lying behind my back and constantly being led astray to drugs.

When you're very young a few years difference in age is more significant. You've been together since she was 19, so she has missed out on being independent and free during an important phase of development––transitioning from teen to adult. With some couples this might not be an issue, but she obviously has stuff that she needs to work through, or grow out of, before becoming the person you expect her to be.

The other part of this equation is that she has cheated and lied, and you can't trust her. That is not age related, that's about character and integrity. So my question to you is, why have you been so willing to accept this up until now? Do you not feel like you deserve more? Do you not believe that you are inherently lovable or that anyone else would have you? Have you not had relationships of integrity modeled for you such that you know what that looks like and expect it?

These are questions that you need to delve into (perhaps counseling/therapy) so that your picker is in sync with your values. You need the confidence to kick'em to the curb for cheating and lying, no matter how hot they are! There are many, many good women out there––good and beautiful––but you need to raise the bar on what you will accept. So yea, you're on the right track, just realize that this stuff is not random. Don't settle for low hanging fruit, reach higher.  

[unbeknown]

47 minutes ago, salparadise said:

When you're very young a few years difference in age is more significant. You've been together since she was 19, so she has missed out on being independent and free during an important phase of development––transitioning from teen to adult. With some couples this might not be an issue, but she obviously has stuff that she needs to work through, or grow out of, before becoming the person you expect her to be.

The other part of this equation is that she has cheated and lied, and you can't trust her. That is not age related, that's about character and integrity. So my question to you is, why have you been so willing to accept this up until now? Do you not feel like you deserve more? Do you not believe that you are inherently lovable or that anyone else would have you? Have you not had relationships of integrity modeled for you such that you know what that looks like and expect it?

These are questions that you need to delve into (perhaps counseling/therapy) so that your picker is in sync with your values. You need the confidence to kick'em to the curb for cheating and lying, no matter how hot they are! There are many, many good women out there––good and beautiful––but you need to raise the bar on what you will accept. So yea, you're on the right track, just realize that this stuff is not random. Don't settle for low hanging fruit, reach higher.  

Thanks. I think that's my biggest fear, I haven't had any other long term relationships. I dated so much before meeting her. Hundreds of 'first dates' that never went any further - I never know if I was being too fussy or these girls just weren't interested. Almost all the dates ended with a kiss yet they'd string me along for a couple of days/weeks then ghost me. This went on for years and years. I'm good looking confident (not overbearing) and dress well, I'm in to art, music, fitness. But most girls around my area are in to muscly fake tan party boys. I know deep down me and this girl aren't compatible but it's hard to accept after 4 years.

[unbeknown]

1 hour ago, Supernova11 said:

Unfortunately, just because you love someone, doesn’t mean they are good for you. It’s the pain of a break up that often stops us from doing the right thing. If you really love that person, it is horrible - there is no way around that and the pain will not be over quickly. However, I believe this situation is already tied up. You say that you know that you deserve better and the kind of language you’re using in your post is one of someone who knows that its over. Even if you were to get back with her, you will break up again at some point because you’re a person who has integrity and needs a partner with integrity and she has already proved the opposite by cheating on you and lying about doing drugs.

You may have heard the following famous quote by Maya Angelou:

‘When someone shows you who they are believe them’

I know you are churning the breakup over in your mind and wondering whether you did the right thing but its going to be pretty unanimous that everyone on this site will say you did the right thing because you did do the right thing - she doesn’t respect you.

My question to you is, are you yet at a stage where you can go no contact and start focussing on yourself because that will be the next part of the process and its not going to be easy.  You need to think of ways to start widening your friendship base too. Some ideas off the top of my head are meetup.com, joining new clubs. - sports, music jams, going out with existing friends for drinks and maybe trying new places to hang out in. Get some places where you became a regular e.g. regular place to get a coffee, grab a beer, grab some lunch.

Thanks for all that. I have unfollowed her on all social media and blocked her number. I forgot to block her on Twitter and we have messaged on there - mainly her telling me how sorry she is and she made a mistake and that she will drop out of Uni and the house she plans to move in to next year with 4 girls. I've told her she is being ridiculous and I would never expect that from her or anyone. I definitely need to widen my social circle but that's something I've always struggled with. All my friends have drifted apart. I have a few people I stay in touch with but they live all over different parts of the UK since finishing Uni so it's not easy or practical to meet up (post-lockdown).

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, unbeknown said:

Thanks for all that. I have unfollowed her on all social media and blocked her number. I forgot to block her on Twitter and we have messaged on there - mainly her telling me how sorry she is and she made a mistake and that she will drop out of Uni and the house she plans to move in to next year with 4 girls. I've told her she is being ridiculous and I would never expect that from her or anyone. 

This is further evidence of immaturity, OP. 

It is ridiculous for her to even offer to drop out of school in order to save a relationship. She isn't grown up enough yet to see what a huge life mistake that would be. She is going to need a few good years of maturing before she's in the right place to settle down. 

You are most certainly making the right choice to end this relationship, for so many different reasons. 

[unbeknown]

28 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is further evidence of immaturity, OP. 

It is ridiculous for her to even offer to drop out of school in order to save a relationship. She isn't grown up enough yet to see what a huge life mistake that would be. She is going to need a few good years of maturing before she's in the right place to settle down. 

You are most certainly making the right choice to end this relationship, for so many different reasons. 

Thank you for the reassurance!