4 Years on and I still find myself pining

[alakhiin]

Hi all,

I hope everyone is safe and well in this crazy time.

I'd like to preface this by saying that the old flame has since been in another relationship for probably three years now, and though we've had no contact for that length of time I imagine she's happy.

I too have dated since, and it lasted for around two years before I broke it off with my most recent partner.

So, my old flame and I were madly in love, and things were good, we didn't argue or fight, she always felt I was trying to change her and that she was never good enough, though I would deny that to the hilt. She was everything to me, and I wanted to try and get her to see herself in that light but it was never taken that way, rather I was the nagging boyfriend who was never satisfied. I moved to a new job further away in the city she wanted to live in with the hopes of enjoying my work and bringing her over so that we could complete her dream. It put a strain as we had otherwise seen eachother every day but when we did see eachother the swathes of emotion made sure we were as tight as could be. The job wasn't what I had hoped for and very shortly after I began to fall into a serious depression, though not having it before I didn't know and just thought I was being short and otherwise moody. This went on for a few months and I found myself being more and more distant, like I was pushing her away alongside friends and co workers who, now, I see were only trying to help.

It all came to a head when I refused to kiss her despite every fibre in my being wanting to and she called it off after just over three years.

For the next two months life was just a blur, I would call her every day like nothing was wrong and desperately tell myself that it would be ok and it would work out. I blame myself for being naive and buying into false hope. In the time that we had split I had noticed that prior to us ending a new face had appeared and those two were now seeing eachother quite often, though when I asked it was laughed off as nothing more than friends.

She would then go on to paint me as a psycho stalker, someone who would sit by her house and stalk her social media, which in turn lost me mutual friends as she was always seen to be the golden girl and me the creep. I found a storey she had written not so subtley about me and it broke my heart to read it, that I was demonised and made to be this husk of a person, sucking the life from those who cared and that we would never be anything ever again, that she had found a man who "made her feel everything I should have". 

She got serious with this new guy only a matter of months after me, and they've been together since as I said before. Her friend group still seem to place her on a pedestal, and I now live in another country, in a good job, and learning another language.

But guys and gals I CANNOT get her from my mind. I had a date yesterday and she was all I could see, I don't understand and I'm hurting. Please give me some advice? Why am I holding onto something long gone, I doubt I even exist to her these days and she's been in my thoughts since I got off the plane three months ago.

Thank you,

Alex x

[Calmandfocused]

Alex, I’m sorry to hear the plight you’re going with this. 
 

You’re stuck! And the reason you’re stuck is that your looking back at her with rose tinted spectacles... She’s the one ... the one who got away... the one you should be with... the perfect woman for you... the one and only ... etc. 
 

You need to shift your perspective. Alex, she wasn’t the one. She was (at the very least) building an emotional relationship with another man whilst you were away and suffering depression. She didn’t stand by you. Instead her head was turned elsewhere. 
 

Bring her down off that pedestal. Look at the reality of what really happened and make peace with it. 
 

Once you do you’ll be able to open your heart to another and be confident that you will eventually meet someone who is right for you. 

[schlumpy]

I think your obsession is centered around how she and your former common friends now perceive you.

I have to consider that their view of you was correct at that time. Emotions can make all of us do abnormal things that are against our steady character. I know you were hurt by her characterization of you but is there any truth in it?

The only way you can recover your reputation is by living a life that refutes what people say or believe about you. That's going to be difficult for you since there is so much distance involved but it's the only way I know of to purge the faulty notions that people can accumulate through hearsay and gossip.

It might help you to look up the "180." That program is aimed more at married people going through divorce but there may some suggestions there that will help you regain your focus.

Right now your only hope is that time will file off the edges of your memories and no contact.

[alakhiin]

26 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Alex, I’m sorry to hear the plight you’re going with this. 
 

You’re stuck! And the reason you’re stuck is that your looking back at her with rose tinted spectacles... She’s the one ... the one who got away... the one you should be with... the perfect woman for you... the one and only ... etc. 
 

You need to shift your perspective. Alex, she wasn’t the one. She was (at the very least) building an emotional relationship with another man whilst you were away and suffering depression. She didn’t stand by you. Instead her head was turned elsewhere. 
 

Bring her down off that pedestal. Look at the reality of what really happened and make peace with it. 
 

Once you do you’ll be able to open your heart to another and be confident that you will eventually meet someone who is right for you. 

Thank you for taking the time Calm,

I find it hard to believe in myself that she could be building something in the background once the fantasy wore off. But I'd be lying to myself if I said it wasn't a very real possibility. 

The worst part is that I've never truly had the closure and instead drifted into an emotional spiral that pushed me away from those who cared. Those relationships are a memory now, I don't think I can ever salvage them. How does one honestly make peace? I know it sounds insincere, but I'd love a checklist.

 

I believe I too will find someone, it's just hard to see right now, the isolation isn't helping.

[Gr8fuln2020]

9 minutes ago, alakhiin said:

Thank you for taking the time Calm,

I find it hard to believe in myself that she could be building something in the background once the fantasy wore off. But I'd be lying to myself if I said it wasn't a very real possibility. 

The worst part is that I've never truly had the closure and instead drifted into an emotional spiral that pushed me away from those who cared. Those relationships are a memory now, I don't think I can ever salvage them. How does one honestly make peace? I know it sounds insincere, but I'd love a checklist.

 

I believe I too will find someone, it's just hard to see right now, the isolation isn't helping.

You are feeling this way because you screwed-up. YOUR actions, predominantly, caused this and there is heavy lingering guilt about the loss. You don't need anyone to tell you that you will find someone some day. But, you continue to feel low and I suspect, you continue to suffer from mild/moderate depression. Have you seen a counselor? You admit that you made mistakes and you have lost other relationships as a result. You recently ended another relationship. Why? ARE YOU OVER YOUR DEPRESSION???

What closure are you looking for. She ended the relationship and gave you her reasons. You gave us an insight to what happened. What does closure look like for you?

Accept your role. Find counseling because it sounds like your depression is very much a part of your life today and it will and has affected you. You don't heal by revisiting old flames social media or whatever to see if she is okay. You move forward...and leave as much of that behind you.

[alakhiin]

27 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

I think your obsession is centered around how she and your former common friends now perceive you.

I have to consider that their view of you was correct at that time. Emotions can make all of us do abnormal things that are against our steady character. I know you were hurt by her characterization of you but is there any truth in it?

The only way you can recover your reputation is by living a life that refutes what people say or believe about you. That's going to be difficult for you since there is so much distance involved but it's the only way I know of to purge the faulty notions that people can accumulate through hearsay and gossip.

It might help you to look up the "180." That program is aimed more at married people going through divorce but there may some suggestions there that will help you regain your focus.

Right now your only hope is that time will file off the edges of your memories and no contact.

Hi Schlumpy,

Possibly so yes, an option I'm reluctant to explore given it feels very superficial to care so much about the opinion of others who so readily dropped me. I can't deny that I acted on impluse and emotion, given I was also at my lowest I don't think I really painted the picture of "I'm stable come back". Though I agree with Calm that there was some discussion at least with the new guy prior to her dropping me.

I'll look into it, thankyou. Sounds an interesting read if little else I will continue to remain hopeful that time and distance will make this all a blur.

Thanks for taking the time 

[alakhiin]

11 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

You are feeling this way because you screwed-up. YOUR actions, predominantly, caused this and there is heavy lingering guilt about the loss. You don't need anyone to tell you that you will find someone some day. But, you continue to feel low and I suspect, you continue to suffer from mild/moderate depression. Have you seen a counselor? You admit that you made mistakes and you have lost other relationships as a result. You recently ended another relationship. Why? ARE YOU OVER YOUR DEPRESSION???

What closure are you looking for. She ended the relationship and gave you her reasons. You gave us an insight to what happened. What does closure look like for you?

Accept your role. Find counseling because it sounds like your depression is very much a part of your life today and it will and has affected you. You don't heal by revisiting old flames social media or whatever to see if she is okay. You move forward...and leave as much of that behind you.

Tough love Gr8,

I have since visited counselling and after a year of taking medication I was removed from it. On paper at least I'm "healed". Though after posting this today I think I'll look into it again. I don't wanna feel this way.

I accept that my depression and lack of noticing and acting on it was a predominant cause for her leaving. As for closure, I'm not sure. I wasn't given reasons by her, rather false hope. It's apparant now that I was kept on the back foot while the new guy secured his place. It was my choice to buy into that false hope. So, really I've no one to blame there.

Accept my role, that I was the cause? 

Thanks for your time, being coddled I guess isn't the help I really need.

Edited April 13, 2020 by alakhiin

[Gr8fuln2020]

11 minutes ago, alakhiin said:

Tough love Gr8,

I have since visited counselling and after a year of taking medication I was removed from it. On paper at least I'm "healed". Though after posting this today I think I'll look into it again. I don't wanna this this way.

I accept that my depression and lack of noticing and acting on it was a predominant cause for her leaving. As for closure, I'm not sure. I wasn't given reasons by her, rather false hope. It's apparant now that I was kept on the back foot while the new guy secured his place. It was my choice to buy into that false hope. So, really I've no one to blame there.

Accept my role, that I was the cause? 

I wasn't certain how to fully share my thoughts on this issue, to be honest. I don't see anywhere in your post any suspicion of cheating or distancing from your gf until  your personal demons started taking control. You pushed her and others away...you admit that. It doesn't matter what your intentions were, your depression, et. al. exhibiting itself in negative ways, made it difficult for others to stick by you. She told you that she never felt she was enough. That you were always trying to change her...how much of that became more pronounced after your depression hit?

Go back to counseling. I don't know if you need drugs. Did they help you? Or was the regular meetings, talking, airing out your feelings and action-plans more helpful? Do you have a good friend with whom you can confide even now? Over the phone? Someone you can actually talk to? If the previous counselor helped you, continue with that person. Just because you two have made tremendous progress and things looked rosey, doesn't mean that you can't check in every now and then or whenever you need, right?

Edited April 13, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

[alakhiin]

5 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

I wasn't certain how to fully share my thoughts on this issue, to be honest. I don't see anywhere in your post any suspicion of cheating or distancing from your gf until  your personal demons started taking control. You pushed her and others away...you admit that. It doesn't matter what your intentions were, your depression, et. al. exhibiting itself in negative ways, made it difficult for others to stick by you. She told you that she never felt she was enough. That you were always trying to change her...how much of that became more pronounced after your depression hit?

Go back to counseling. I don't know if you need drugs. Did they help you? Or was the regular meetings, talking, airing out your feelings and action-plans more helpful? Do you have a good friend with whom you can confide even now? Over the phone? Someone you can actually talk to?

At this point I'm really not sure Gr8,

The realtionship was very sincere, I just let go after the negatives took place and it ended up souring the relationship, how much more I can only imagine, probably a lot...

I think I just wanted that chance to prove that when I was better I am better - if you catch my meaning? I wanted her to stand back throug hthe tough as it was the first real relationship test and she booked. I refuse to accept that I was constantly knocking her esteem, I only ever tried to build it. I just wish I'd had the foresight to see it in her shoes.

Counselling is a yes, I will. As for drugs, I hated how tied to them I felt. Mostly was just one on one talking, but I always left feeling vulnerable not happier. At this moment in time no, being in another country has placed me on my own, hence reaching out here.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I know that there are free, online/telephone counseling services available here in the USA. Not sure if something like that exists where you are. Find out and try to reach out to someone you can talk to.

I have to tell you that it is tough when people leave during tough times. Not everyone is going to take your crap and far fewer for any certain period of time. Many people are not going to give you the chance to prove you are better when they are hoping and doing their best to deal with your mess while waiting... You know? Her dissatisfaction could have been something building and you just didn't take notice. It doesn't matter really. It's over. Lingering in your past and allowing regret to overtake you will and does you NO GOOD.

[alakhiin]

8 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Not everyone is going to take your crap and far fewer for any certain period of time. Many people are not going to give you the chance to prove you are better when they are hoping and doing their best to deal with your mess while waiting... You know?

That rings true, but it hurts to hear. I do think it must have been hard on her and I'm grateful she stayed for as long as I did, but it's s***ty how it all came about in the end with the new guy just "appearing" out of the not so blue. He took advantage, and I won't forgive or excuse that. 

But you are right, lingering is only hurting me. Thanks for writing Gr8fuln. I respect someone who doesn't beat around, I needed to hear it. Your kids will be set for advice, hah. 

[kendahke]

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she always felt I was trying to change her and that she was never good enough, though I would deny that to the hilt. She was everything to me, and I wanted to try and get her to see herself in that light but it was never taken that way, rather I was the nagging boyfriend who was never satisfied.

I refuse to accept that I was constantly knocking her esteem, I only ever tried to build it.

You went HAM on trying to change who she was and then gaslighted her when she pushed back on that... and you're still gaslighting.

You can't dictate to another person what their perspective and feelings are to destructive behavior aimed at them when you're not the one on the receiving end of your treatment. You denying that truth  is called "gaslighting" and you weren't the one your criticisms were directed at.

That was the start of her energetically pulling back. You made her feel she wasn't good enough just as she was.

Quote

she was always seen to be the golden girl... Her friend group still seem to place her on a pedestal,

and it comes across as if you resent her for having friends who have a higher estimation of her than you feel she deserves.  Perhaps that's why she ended it and found someone who accepted her as she is without trying to change her into someone she's not.

Is part of your issue with not letting go is that you weren't totally done with demolishing her and she removed that option before you could do more damage?

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I wanted her to stand back throug hthe tough as it was the first real relationship test and she booked.

If you weren't getting treatment for you withdrawing and doing something proactive regarding fixing what was going on mentally with you, then it's unreasonable to think that she should stick around and take that.

If it was a one-off thing that was over and done in 2 days, that'd be one thing. But this sounds like a "drip drip drip drip drip" that went on for over 6 months and for someone who isn't your lawful wife, no she doesn't have to stick around for that. She was right to get out--anyone with a healthy sense of self esteem would leave if the person who claims to love and care for them spent their time tearing them down all the time then denying that they were doing it.

Edited April 13, 2020 by kendahke

[Gr8fuln2020]

4 minutes ago, alakhiin said:

That rings true, but it hurts to hear. I do think it must have been hard on her and I'm grateful she stayed for as long as I did, but it's s***ty how it all came about in the end with the new guy just "appearing" out of the not so blue. He took advantage, and I won't forgive or excuse that. 

But you are right, lingering is only hurting me. Thanks for writing Gr8fuln. I respect someone who doesn't beat around, I needed to hear it. Your kids will be set for advice, hah. 

You need to make yourself healthy and ready for the next HEALTHY and SUPPORTIVE relationship. You don't have much control over how other people respond, but you do have much more control over your response to others and how YOU respond makes a difference as to how others may respond. Get yourself healthy for YOU and by extension, you will find others around you will be more accepting, healthier for you.

[alakhiin]

5 minutes ago, kendahke said:

You went HAM on trying to change who she was and then gaslighted her when she pushed back on that.

You can't dictate to another person what their perspective and feelings are to destructive behavior aimed at them when you're not the one on the receiving end of your treatment. You denying that truth  is called "gaslighting" and you weren't the one your criticisms were directed at.

That was the start of her energetically pulling back. You made her feel she wasn't good enough just as she was.

and it comes across as if you resent her for having friends who have a higher estimation of her than you feel she deserves.  Perhaps that's why she ended it and found someone who accepted her as she is without trying to change her into someone she's not.

Is part of your issue with not letting go is that you weren't totally done with demolishing her and she removed that option before you could do more damage?

Hey Ken,

Thanks for taking the time.

You've taken an aggressive stance, and in your light I am indeed the root cause. I respect your view, but I must say again that I never intended to lower her self esteem, never intended to change or manipulate her view on herself. I agree that her pulling back was a direct result of my actions, I just didn't realise that I was the very cause when she only ever made mention of the relationship souring "due to things out of our control". Maybe that was her being kind. 

It's not so much her friends like her, wouldn't be friends otherwise, but rather how I was shunted into silence by all mutual friends the second it ended. My opinion on events was never asked, but hers accepted and that was that. 

I can say with confidence I'm not so shallow or bitter as to ever want to belittle someone for my own ego or twisted sense of control/pride. That's an unfair comment to make. I'd hoped in my explaination above I never wanted to make her feel bad. 

[kendahke]

9 minutes ago, alakhiin said:

I never intended

there's a saying: the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Instead of being defensive about taking responsibility for how you tore down her self esteem to the point where she felt her best option was to get out, maybe sit with the unpleasant feelings, explore why you feel so defensive and figure out if that's more rooted in pride and how you come across to her friends than it is a stranger's interpretation of what you typed.

Quote

how I was shunted into silence by all mutual friends the second it ended.

perhaps they saw in real time what you were doing and how it was affecting her and they didn't like it. At the end of the day, you were telling her she was trash and in order to make you happy, she had to become someone she's not and they didn't like that you were doing it.

Edited April 13, 2020 by kendahke

[alakhiin]

2 minutes ago, kendahke said:

there's a saying: the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Instead of being defensive about taking responsibility for how you tore down her self esteem to the point where she felt her best option was to get out, maybe sit with the unpleasant feelings, explore why you feel so defensive and figure out if that's more rooted in pride and how you come across to her friends than it is a stranger's interpretation of what you typed.

That's some real food for thought. 

Though, as a stranger - what would you do in my situation? How would you turn this into an experience, as opposed to a regret? It's apparant this chapter of my life is closed, but I still carry a lot of regrets, I don't know why I'm defensive, I don't want to be. Were I to see her now, it would be an apology, nothing more. 

As I said above to Gr8, my regret is that I couldn't fix myself first before it transitioned into projecting myself and my own issues. I don't want to repeat that, I guess it'll always be a what if.

Thanks again for your time. 

[kendahke]

5 minutes ago, alakhiin said:

what would you do in my situation?

find a good therapist and pull this out by the roots

[rjc149]

The fading affect bias (scientific term for how we view the past through rose-colored glasses and remember positive emotions more prominently than negative ones) is causing you to look back with nostalgia and regret.

However legitimate your mental health issues are, being a miserable person to deal with is going to cost you relationships. It's not their responsibility to be sympathetic to your mental health issues. It's 100% your responsibility to get your issues under control, and get the proper help to not let it affect the people around you. Personally, I do not put up with moody, emotionally unstable people. I don't want that in my life. I don't blame your ex for not wanting it either. Neither should you. 

In addition, the resulting trauma of being vilified post-breakup by her and her social circle rubs salt into the wound, inhibiting the healing process.

You must accept, and tell yourself, that you were not able to be the man she needed at that period of your lives.  

You also need to start dating more people. A huge contributing factor to your "oneitis" is that you have nothing else in your pipeline. This may sound crass but it's fairly sure-fire: if you find yourself pining over one girl, bang 5 other girls. After #5, see if you're still pining over anyone. Near-certain likelihood you won't be. 

 

[Calmandfocused]

You reach peace by accepting your part in the demise of the relationship but also accepting her part. If you can do that you will be accepting that she wasn’t the perfect partner that you think she was. Also you will accept that the relationship break up was not solely your fault or your sole responsibility. 
 

Don’t preoccupy yourself with the reaction of your mutual friends. People think what they want to. If they have turned against you they were never your friends to begin with. They were hers. Leave them to it. It really doesn’t matter. 

What does matter is that you put this to bed. Accept that she has low self esteem, that you have depression and the combination was not a good mix. You triggered each other without intention. 
 

I believe you when you say that you never intentionally made her feel bad about herself, push her away or reject her. However, as aforementioned her self esteem couldn’t cope with it and she subsequently did things that was also damaging to the relationship. 

But most of all you reach peace by accepting this relationship was not meant to be. 
 

Finally, ask yourself: do you want to be with someone who gets close to another man when the going gets tough? Add that into the complex mix of mortgages, finances and children and suddenly it all doesn’t seem worth it, does it? 
 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

You mention you saw a counselor. Dude, you need to see a seriously well-trained and highly skilled therapist, one who is not only brilliant in understanding you, but who you bond with closely. This inability to let go of this woman can be the issue you initially focus on. Now, the real issues are much deeper.

Most likely you have got some serious parental-family stuff plaguing you. You were probably seeking from this woman feelings and acceptance you didn't get growing up. That's fine--this can be addressed in therapy. You cannot be passive though. If you don't LOVE your therapist and feel totally understood by them, then get to another therapist. 

You write, my old flame and I were madly in love, and things were good, we didn't argue or fight, she always felt I was trying to change her and that she was never good enough, though I would deny that to the hilt. This sentence makes no sense and contradicts itself. First of all, not fighting is not really a good thing. The best couples will have arguments and disagreements--that's part of working out the relationship.  This lack of "fighting" simply means you and/or her were simply not confident enough to broach uncomfortable subjects. You both were being immature. 

But ... then you say in the second half of the sentence that she felt you were always trying to change her. Dude, that's a fight! That's an ongoing major conflict. So, your basic thinking here is off. Get to therapy. And don't be afraid of meds if they help you. Trying to change someone is a sure sign of a boundary problem. You are trying to bend someone towards you. No, the goal of dating is to find someone you don't have to try to bend. You find someone you have a good fit with. We cannot bend others, cannot change others. You really can't. 

The best thing you can do ...  is to get a life. I don't mean that in an insulting way. I mean live in a way that you enjoy--without being partnered. What are you hobbies? What are you good activities? What are your work goals and ambitions? Develop friendships ... meet with friends ... do some reading ... exercising. Build yourself up ... Building a life is ultimately what allows us to partner well with others ... because other people will want to join up with you because you've got a lot going on. Paradoxically the more you build your own life, the happier you will be without someone ... and the more attractive you will be to others. 

The last woman I had trouble letting go of ... amazing ... when I went through the process of building my life ... I look back now and I am so grateful and thankful that she dumped me. Things were going nowhere with this woman. It's just I couldn't see that and feel that at the time. 

[alakhiin]

27 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You mention you saw a counselor. Dude, you need to see a seriously well-trained and highly skilled therapist, one who is not only brilliant in understanding you, but who you bond with closely. This inability to let go of this woman can be the issue you initially focus on. Now, the real issues are much deeper.

Most likely you have got some serious parental-family stuff plaguing you. You were probably seeking from this woman feelings and acceptance you didn't get growing up. That's fine--this can be addressed in therapy. You cannot be passive though. If you don't LOVE your therapist and feel totally understood by them, then get to another therapist. 

You write, my old flame and I were madly in love, and things were good, we didn't argue or fight, she always felt I was trying to change her and that she was never good enough, though I would deny that to the hilt. This sentence makes no sense and contradicts itself. First of all, not fighting is not really a good thing. The best couples will have arguments and disagreements--that's part of working out the relationship.  This lack of "fighting" simply means you and/or her were simply not confident enough to broach uncomfortable subjects. You both were being immature. 

But ... then you say in the second half of the sentence that she felt you were always trying to change her. Dude, that's a fight! That's an ongoing major conflict. So, your basic thinking here is off. Get to therapy. And don't be afraid of meds if they help you. Trying to change someone is a sure sign of a boundary problem. You are trying to bend someone towards you. No, the goal of dating is to find someone you don't have to try to bend. You find someone you have a good fit with. We cannot bend others, cannot change others. You really can't. 

The best thing you can do ...  is to get a life. I don't mean that in an insulting way. I mean live in a way that you enjoy--without being partnered. What are you hobbies? What are you good activities? What are your work goals and ambitions? Develop friendships ... meet with friends ... do some reading ... exercising. Build yourself up ... Building a life is ultimately what allows us to partner well with others ... because other people will want to join up with you because you've got a lot going on. Paradoxically the more you build your own life, the happier you will be without someone ... and the more attractive you will be to others. 

The last woman I had trouble letting go of ... amazing ... when I went through the process of building my life ... I look back now and I am so grateful and thankful that she dumped me. Things were going nowhere with this woman. It's just I couldn't see that and feel that at the time. 

Hey Lots,

Thanks for taking the time. 

Honestly I don't see the difference between the two, counsellor and therapist, aren't they interchangable? Though I may be wrong. I'll look into it. Parental issues are never something I'd come to consider, perhaps there's weight to that. And yes, I'm not in disagreement that I need to get my own life rather than look only ever backwards. I think again, some tough love was needed here without coming across like a kick to the teeth, so thank you for that.

[alakhiin]

3 hours ago, kendahke said:

If you weren't getting treatment for you withdrawing and doing something proactive regarding fixing what was going on mentally with you, then it's unreasonable to think that she should stick around and take that.

I had been disagnosed severe depressed and was starting my course of both counselling and medication. She was aware of that.

But I see your point, ultimitely it wasn't my decision and she had made hers. 

Thanks again for your input Ken

[Ellener]

@alakhiin lots of good points here, I just wanted to add- the pandemic situation makes us feel more deeply, it just does.

I've been walking in my old neighbourhood just because the bit where Harvey hit worst is little known and quiet right now. It was where I was married though, where I had my 'old' life, and so-nostalgia crept in. Despite the facts! 

You were with someone you instinctively couldn't turn to at a time of depression and stress, who didn't understand and went on to belittle you afterwards, she sounds like she has the human warmth of a slug to be honest...anyway something similar happened to me. I know during this pandemic my ex would be zero emotional support, but the nostalgia factor made me long for those days of surety at least- I don't even have a home right now. At least I had one then...nostalgia speaking...but I was depressed all the time in that relationship!

I just gave myself a shake and said 'get real woman' out loud then walked up and down for a bit talking to the trees and to God and to myself ( earning me some strange looks from my dog and two boys on bicycles who made a wider detour than strictly necessary for social distancing )

I laughed and sang to music on the drive home and went to get pick up comfort fries.

The fact is the past can't be changed, and beyond a few lessons from that narrative it's best left in the past. What are you doing now, in the moment?

 

[alakhiin]

22 minutes ago, Ellener said:

@alakhiin lots of good points here, I just wanted to add- the pandemic situation makes us feel more deeply, it just does.

I've been walking in my old neighbourhood just because the bit where Harvey hit worst is little known and quiet right now. It was where I was married though, where I had my 'old' life, and so-nostalgia crept in. Despite the facts! 

You were with someone you instinctively couldn't turn to at a time of depression and stress, who didn't understand and went on to belittle you afterwards, she sounds like she has the human warmth of a slug to be honest...anyway something similar happened to me. I know during this pandemic my ex would be zero emotional support, but the nostalgia factor made me long for those days of surety at least- I don't even have a home right now. At least I had one then...nostalgia speaking...but I was depressed all the time in that relationship!

I just gave myself a shake and said 'get real woman' out loud then walked up and down for a bit talking to the trees and to God and to myself ( earning me some strange looks from my dog and two boys on bicycles who made a wider detour than strictly necessary for social distancing )

I laughed and sang to music on the drive home and went to get pick up comfort fries.

The fact is the past can't be changed, and beyond a few lessons from that narrative it's best left in the past. What are you doing now, in the moment?

 

Hi @Ellener

Thanks for writing.

I agree, this thread has given a lot of good points, some kind others brutal frankly. But that withstanding, I feel I've grounds to improve and I've everyone to thank. 

I'm now currently looking into therapy in my area and trying to figure out how I'll afford it, these things are never cheap! It is true that she didn't stay and give me the support I so desperately wanted, but on the other hand if I had made her miserable and feel small on a regular basis (again, not conciously) I probably wouldn't stay either..

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, alakhiin said:

Hi @Ellener

Thanks for writing.

I agree, this thread has given a lot of good points, some kind others brutal frankly. But that withstanding, I feel I've grounds to improve and I've everyone to thank. 

I'm now currently looking into therapy in my area and trying to figure out how I'll afford it, these things are never cheap! It is true that she didn't stay and give me the support I so desperately wanted, but on the other hand if I had made her miserable and feel small on a regular basis (again, not conciously) I probably wouldn't stay either..

Try Seven Cups of Tea which is online free counselling.