4 Years on and I still find myself pining

[Lotsgoingon]

I used the word "therapist" instead of "counselor"  (therapy as opposed to counselor) because in my experience, when people use "counselor," they are often trying to avoid owning up to needing some hardcore therapy. Just one of those things. 

I once had a person come to me asking if they could be "anonymous" with a therapist ... as in go in, not reveal name or anything and have therapy that way. My answer was, no, you can't do that because in reality, half of the therapy is getting comfortable showing up at a therapist's office, taking a seat in the waiting room, making that visit normal and dignified and not weird. 

Dude, your issues can be fixed ... Trust me: this lingering attachment has nothing to do with any objective "need" for this woman in your life. This inability to let go is part of a deeper constellation of issues, you losing yourself in relationship. Just consider: there is nothing you have described her that actually indicates this was some amazing relationship. It's just that you got unduly attached to this person.  Sometimes we can get addicted to a miserable relationship--happened to me with my college gf. I should dumped her ... Instead, I just hung in and felt distant and unhappy ... and felt she was cold and all of that ... But looking back, that's simply where I was in my development.

You can get through this ... and you'll be shocked at the feeling of liberation and power on the other side. You can turn all the pain and ache you have into insight and growth and change. 

 

 

[DarrenB]

15 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Bring her down off that pedestal. Look at the reality of what really happened and make peace with it. 
 

Once you do you’ll be able to open your heart to another and be confident that you will eventually meet someone who is right for you. 

I cannot express this enough.

It's no good to try and justify what had happened, there's also no point in trying to reason with any other outcome.

The current pandemic most certainly makes us feel more sincerely, especially in regards to old memories and forgotten (or not forgotten) people.

Better your life just as she has appeared to better hers, remaining in separate ways is the only way forward.

Try and reach out to other old friends and rekindle some friendships as oppose to searching for new love. 

[alakhiin]

7 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I used the word "therapist" instead of "counselor"  (therapy as opposed to counselor) because in my experience, when people use "counselor," they are often trying to avoid owning up to needing some hardcore therapy. Just one of those things. 

I once had a person come to me asking if they could be "anonymous" with a therapist ... as in go in, not reveal name or anything and have therapy that way. My answer was, no, you can't do that because in reality, half of the therapy is getting comfortable showing up at a therapist's office, taking a seat in the waiting room, making that visit normal and dignified and not weird. 

Dude, your issues can be fixed ... Trust me: this lingering attachment has nothing to do with any objective "need" for this woman in your life. This inability to let go is part of a deeper constellation of issues, you losing yourself in relationship. Just consider: there is nothing you have described her that actually indicates this was some amazing relationship. It's just that you got unduly attached to this person.  Sometimes we can get addicted to a miserable relationship--happened to me with my college gf. I should dumped her ... Instead, I just hung in and felt distant and unhappy ... and felt she was cold and all of that ... But looking back, that's simply where I was in my development.

You can get through this ... and you'll be shocked at the feeling of liberation and power on the other side. You can turn all the pain and ache you have into insight and growth and change. 

 

 

Thanks man,

I apprecaite hearing some positivity from this thread. Yeah, I think you're right, seems I'm idolising her when in fact I'm just miserable in my own company and she left to better her own life, in turn I've taken that as damage to mine when in reality she was unhappy, I was depressed and she found happiness in a guy waiting in the wings. 

The reality is I bare pain towards it yes, but do I hate her? No. I don't. I can only wish it had panned out different and I could have been the man she needed, not the emotional, unstable waste I was in the aftermath.

Counselling in Germany is pretty scarce, so it seems online is the only way to go. But I will, hiding behind pride is doing me no good. I'd like to see change. 

If it's alright with you, I'll keep you posted.

[alakhiin]

4 hours ago, DarrenB said:

I cannot express this enough.

It's no good to try and justify what had happened, there's also no point in trying to reason with any other outcome.

The current pandemic most certainly makes us feel more sincerely, especially in regards to old memories and forgotten (or not forgotten) people.

Better your life just as she has appeared to better hers, remaining in separate ways is the only way forward.

Try and reach out to other old friends and rekindle some friendships as oppose to searching for new love. 

Hi Darren,

In truth the reason why I try to justify it is I think because I've never been able to accept that it ended in a way I felt contented by or could take.

I agree the isolation, coupled with a new country has opened old wounds. I think you're right, to try and contact her again would be a s*** storm, so to speak. 

I could try for sure, perhaps I will. It's just a 50/50 how it pans out.

Thanks for taking the time. 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Have you read any self help books?

there is a great list in the self help section.

i personally found   The Power of Now By Eckhart Tolle really helpful to put perspective to how I was living my life and prompted me to take an active role in changing it.