My needs are not being met

[KatD]

He hasn’t been brought up in a very loving family environment. He’s been brought up around alcohol in a hard working family. Like them he is quite selfish and short tempered. 
Blames others for everything instead of taking responsibility. 
I don’t like to ask him to do things around my house as everything is a huge effort and he just cracks the s***s when doing something. He gets annoyed so easily. 
A big issue is that he does not make any effort to satisfy me sexually as much as I’ve discussed with him, shown him and tried. He says he’s sorry but does nothing about it. I love getting him off in different ways and he physically turns me on. I’m quite sexual and experienced as 9 years older but he has no stamina. He has never made me orgasm in six years. He lasts one minute if I’m lucky. I feel like we don’t emotionally and physically connect. 
I have this bizarre strongest attachment to him although I’ve left him 10 times to return upon his perseverance. We have a lot in common and I’m really attracted to his looks, image and personality. I do however go in cycles where it’s all good, things improve, then I realise that s*** isn’t great and then I leave. We don’t live together as I love having my own space and home. This works for us although is unconventional. My first husband was emotionally abusive so I have found my strength and need my independence. 
I spoke to him tonight yet again about me not being satisfied. He yells “for f*** sake I was going to get that stuff” referring to the tablets to delay ejaculation but was costly and I was worried about safety. I explained he could use his hands etc and make some effort and that I was sick of masturbating. I told him I feel like he doesn’t care about me as I talk to him about it and he just gets on the defensive and angry. He fumbles around when manually ‘stimulating’ me and rarely gives me oral. 
Argh I don’t want to be in an unsatisfied marriage yet I love him. His selfishness is obviously not going to change though sadly. 
He has made no effort with his son. Has not seen him for weeks and not for Easter. I told him he should buy him an Easter egg and go see him but he didn’t. So sad. No effort with his daughter either. Just occasional phone calls. He has no relationship with his children whatsoever and that’s his choice as mothers have never got in the way. 
My children are my world. Every single day. My first priority. He absolutely loves my children but how can a father not want to see his children?? 
He told me he doesn’t like my life decisions at the moment as I’m going to quit work as 20 years of teaching and being in a workplace dealing with a bully boss has taken its toll. I’ve applied for an online job but according to him to work in a job on the computer is being lazy. Last night because I asked him to come kiss me when he got home and he didn’t want to reach right across the table to do so he called me a control freak. He snores loudly and has taken up smoking again which I’m finding the smell offensive. I have remained off them. Far out these complaints are extensive. Sorry for the rant and if you got this far thanks for reading. Advice is greatly appreciated please from an outsiders perspective. 😊😘

[FMW]

You know what you need to do. You've talked to him about the issues, nothing is going to change.  So you have to take full control of your life (not just living on your own, although that shows you CAN exercise your power) and make the decisions necessary to have happiness, or at the very least peace.   

Loving someone doesn't mean you can or should be partnered with them.  

[Blind-Sided]

just because you love someone... doesn't make you compatible.

One of my female friends sounds a little like you.  She is not happy in her marriage, and her H has very little stamina. She often needs to take care of her own needs for an O.  Her H is a nice enough guy... but he's more of a roommate than a partner. Things around the house don't get done, and he is the stereotypical "Man Child."  She can tell him things over and over... but nothing changes. She has recently given him the "Final Straw" talk... but it seem like after just a few days, it's back to where it always is. (FYI, empty shampoo bottle on the floor next to the trashcan because there was no bag in the trashcan.  And other stuff)

She cares for him a lot... but she knows she can't be his mom, and she knows she can't be happy staying.

[CaliforniaGirl]

The problem is, it doesn't sound like it's one or maybe two things you don't like about his behaviors. You seem to want to change him all over the place. IMO that means you don't like/love the actual "him." He doesn't like you either because how would you feel toward a person who wanted you there as a warm breathing body but you needed to change everything about yourself to please him because basically, you're defective all over the place?

You guys really aren't a match.  You're not right for eachother.

 

[preraph]

You've chosen to love someone who doesn't seem to care about your needs.  It would be a shame to bring kids into that and waste your life with someone who doesn't care.  You ought to have more self-love than to love someone like this.  

[stillafool]

It sounds like because he's good looking he can get away with whatever he wants with you.  He doesn't sound remotely invested in your happiness nor the relationship.

[KatD]

Thss as no you so much for your opinions I really appreciate you views. You are right in saying we are just not compatible. Once you’ve stated it it’s just so blaring obvious. His looks and confidence does seem to get him what he wants. He is spoilt by his ostentatious snd I don’t want to be a mother to him. Funny thing is that I saw a Kinesiologist and she said he was my son in a past life lol. I should have more self love to prevent someone treating me like this for sure. I’ve been abused by my father and brothers all my life and this has deeply impacted my sense of worth. I become strong and leave him then succumb to his promises. He won’t change and I need to leave for good. I need to cut all contact. I need to set a clear example for my children. 
Thanks so much again. 

[Mystery4u]

48 minutes ago, KatD said:

Thss as no you so much for your opinions I really appreciate you views. You are right in saying we are just not compatible. Once you’ve stated it it’s just so blaring obvious. His looks and confidence does seem to get him what he wants. He is spoilt by his ostentatious snd I don’t want to be a mother to him. Funny thing is that I saw a Kinesiologist and she said he was my son in a past life lol. I should have more self love to prevent someone treating me like this for sure. I’ve been abused by my father and brothers all my life and this has deeply impacted my sense of worth. I become strong and leave him then succumb to his promises. He won’t change and I need to leave for good. I need to cut all contact. I need to set a clear example for my children. 
Thanks so much again. 

Life is too short to be unhappy in an unhappy relationship. There are A LOT of better men out there. One day you will meet one who appreciates you for you.

Leave him for good and don't look back!

[poppyfields]

On 4/13/2020 at 6:06 AM, KatD said:

Argh I don’t want to be in an unsatisfied marriage yet I love him.

I'm unclear, are you married to this chap?

If so, have you considered marriage counseling?

Regardless, instead of demonizing "him," might I suggest you look within "yourself" to determine what draws you to a person like this, and more importantly why you choose to stay? 

You do have choices and I'm sorry but saying you love him doesn't cut it.

If he physically abused you, for example threw acid in your face (yes that "has " happened to women, google it), would you still choose to stay? 

Mental, emotional abuse can often be more insidious than physical.

I think you know what needs to be done here, for both you and your precious children who "are" observing all this. 

The hard part is finding the strength to do it.  

[pepperbird]

On 4/13/2020 at 10:06 AM, KatD said:

He hasn’t been brought up in a very loving family environment. He’s been brought up around alcohol in a hard working family. Like them he is quite selfish and short tempered. 
Blames others for everything instead of taking responsibility. 
I don’t like to ask him to do things around my house as everything is a huge effort and he just cracks the s***s when doing something. He gets annoyed so easily. 
A big issue is that he does not make any effort to satisfy me sexually as much as I’ve discussed with him, shown him and tried. He says he’s sorry but does nothing about it. I love getting him off in different ways and he physically turns me on. I’m quite sexual and experienced as 9 years older but he has no stamina. He has never made me orgasm in six years. He lasts one minute if I’m lucky. I feel like we don’t emotionally and physically connect. 
I have this bizarre strongest attachment to him although I’ve left him 10 times to return upon his perseverance. We have a lot in common and I’m really attracted to his looks, image and personality. I do however go in cycles where it’s all good, things improve, then I realise that s*** isn’t great and then I leave. We don’t live together as I love having my own space and home. This works for us although is unconventional. My first husband was emotionally abusive so I have found my strength and need my independence. 
I spoke to him tonight yet again about me not being satisfied. He yells “for f*** sake I was going to get that stuff” referring to the tablets to delay ejaculation but was costly and I was worried about safety. I explained he could use his hands etc and make some effort and that I was sick of masturbating. I told him I feel like he doesn’t care about me as I talk to him about it and he just gets on the defensive and angry. He fumbles around when manually ‘stimulating’ me and rarely gives me oral. 
Argh I don’t want to be in an unsatisfied marriage yet I love him. His selfishness is obviously not going to change though sadly. 
He has made no effort with his son. Has not seen him for weeks and not for Easter. I told him he should buy him an Easter egg and go see him but he didn’t. So sad. No effort with his daughter either. Just occasional phone calls. He has no relationship with his children whatsoever and that’s his choice as mothers have never got in the way. 
My children are my world. Every single day. My first priority. He absolutely loves my children but how can a father not want to see his children?? 
He told me he doesn’t like my life decisions at the moment as I’m going to quit work as 20 years of teaching and being in a workplace dealing with a bully boss has taken its toll. I’ve applied for an online job but according to him to work in a job on the computer is being lazy. Last night because I asked him to come kiss me when he got home and he didn’t want to reach right across the table to do so he called me a control freak. He snores loudly and has taken up smoking again which I’m finding the smell offensive. I have remained off them. Far out these complaints are extensive. Sorry for the rant and if you got this far thanks for reading. Advice is greatly appreciated please from an outsiders perspective. 😊😘

yeah, I'm not getting a  lot of "love" for this guy in your words. I think he just fits into your overall life pattern of poor treatment by your dad/male siblings.
What do you love about him? what makes you stay with him in spite of all this?
This is just my opinion, but I don 't think you love him at all. I think you love who you wish he was or want him to be. That's really unfair to him.

Edited April 16, 2020 by pepperbird

[spiderowl]

I can't see what is attractive about this guy.  You say he is selfish, he doesn't care about his kids (but that's hard to judge when they live elsewhere and he may be prevented from seeing them), he does not satisfy you sexually and basically appears lazy.  You seem to be in one of those 'on/off' relationships that some people find themselves in.  I can understand that some things attract you to him but then there is the dilemma of all the things that don't.  You are pulled towards him but pushed away at the same time.

I think you really have to think whether you want to continue with this guy for as long as the relationship lasts or consider someone else?  While you still think of him as an option, you do not have enough incentive to look outwards.  It sounds like the relationship is 'good enough' for you to bear with it but not as happy and satisfying as you would like.

It's difficult.  I am sure there are many people in your situation.  Maybe you will end up arguing over it until you happen to get involved in an affair.  That's how people often cope with unsatisfying relationships - keep one going while getting their needs met elsewhere.  The thing about that though is there is the risk of being found out and losing the primary relationship.

Relationships seem to be about two people mostly meeting each other's needs.  If there is any great discrepancy in that, then the relationship as it stands is doomed, as drama of some kind will intervene unless the unsatisfied partner leaves before that.  What is it that particularly keeps you drawn towards this guy?  Is it something you cannot find with someone else?

[HenryII]

I had a neighbor like you. She wasn't getting what she needed.   They moved away and both became very successful then divorced. Then he came out of the closet.