Why would a ghoster avidly follow your social media? Is it ever worth pursuing him?

[babybrowns]

3 weeks ago, I was ghosted by a guy I was seeing for a couple of months. There was no indication that he would do this. He was coming on very strong, talking about the future, planning a summer trip with me, telling me often of his goals to get married soon and have children. He would say "I hope that doesn't sound creepy but we should be honest about our dating goals here. I really like you and I want to see where this goes".

He has quite a demanding job which means that in the 2 months that we were dating, we only saw each other twice. We also live a 3-hour drive apart. He said he is not a fan of LDRs since he had bad experience of one a few years back, but that he really wants to keep dating me and that who knows, one of us might move in the future.

The first time we met, he came to my town, the second time I went to his town. Our 3rd date kept getting postponed since his work roster kept changing. First it was 3 weeks later, then changed to 4 weeks, then 5... I did express my concerns at the unpredictability and frequency of us seeing each other. I told him that I would need to have more clarification and certainty from him about what this is going to look like before I agree to a relationship. He said ok, we could talk about it more when we met next. 

We were excitedly planning our next date, he was being flirty as ever, and then the Lockdown enforcement came. He expressed sadness that now we could not meet. I suggested that we have a catch-up phone call instead since it had been a while since we heard each other's voices. This unfortunately was when he vanished.

This was 3 weeks ago, but the strange thing is that he has been actively following my social media, watching every story without fail, even being the first one to watch them in some cases. This led me to think that perhaps he would reach out soon, but he still has not reached out. I am wondering 

1) Why would he watch my stories if he won't talk to me and 

2) Should I hold out more or reach out to him myself? 

Thanks in advance for your help

 

 

Edited April 13, 2020 by babybrowns

[BaileyB]

A better question to ask is, why have you not blocked this man from your social media?

This would creep me out. 

[babybrowns]

I’ve not blocked him because I am still holding out for him. Things were going well..I’m hoping that he does come round in the next few weeks. I’ve never had a guy disappear so randomly on me before.

His stalking behaviour is a little creepy, it’s almost like he’s trying to show me he’s still there, as a substitute for communicating. I don’t like this and so this morning I stopped him from seeing my stories

Edited April 13, 2020 by babybrowns

[mark clemson]

10 hours ago, babybrowns said:

1) Why would he watch my stories if he won't talk to me

Cuz crazy? Just a theory. 

Maybe he can't actually relate to women in person so he orbits/does this instead? Dunno.

9 hours ago, babybrowns said:

His stalking behaviour is a little creepy, it’s almost like he’s trying to show me he’s still there, as a substitute for communicating. I don’t like this and so this morning I stopped him from seeing my stories

Yes that.😀

[stillafool]

He's probably bored during this lock down and just checking any and everything out.  Everyone is doing it.

[babybrowns]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

He's probably bored during this lock down and just checking any and everything out.  Everyone is doing it.

Good theory otherwise but not in this case- he’s a key worker and is very busy at this time

[ExpatInItaly]

Could be boredom during down time, general curiosity. I wouldn't read into it if he's otherwise not gotten in touch. 

[healing light]

Was he always the one initiating? My guess is he was testing you to see how long things would go before you reach out to him. Weird.

If he has to go 5 weeks between dates yet doesn't want a long distance relationship, doesn't sound like he's truly available for what he claims he wants even if he did seem eager in the beginning...

[babybrowns]

53 minutes ago, healing light said:

Was he always the one initiating? My guess is he was testing you to see how long things would go before you reach out to him. Weird.

If he has to go 5 weeks between dates yet doesn't want a long distance relationship, doesn't sound like he's truly available for what he claims he wants even if he did seem eager in the beginning...

It was both of us who were initiating contact. I do not understand why he would suddenly disappear without an explanation, especially from that super-keen stance he kept going for 2 months. He also seemed to be a very genuine and responsible guy. He has a responsible job and is working hard at this time that the country is in lockdown, to those that hypothesise it is out of boredom that he’s engaging on my social media. 

He’s trying to tell me something by always jumping to be the first to watch my every  story on social media. I’m wondering whether I should reach out to him?

[ExpatInItaly]

I personally wouldn't bother reaching out to someone who disappeared on me. 

If they have something to say, I would want it to be of their own volition and not because I prompted it. 

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, babybrowns said:

He’s trying to tell me something by always jumping to be the first to watch my every  story on social media. I’m wondering whether I should reach out to him?

If so, why hasn't he come out and said it by now.  Does he have your contact info?

[MsJayne]

Sounds like maybe the lockdown gave him a reality jolt and he realised how much is involved in building a relationship with someone three hours away. If you were really keen then I'd just outright ask him. Too often people feel like because they don't know someone very well that it's not OK to confront them about some weird behaviour.  It is OK, you have every right to know why someone thinks it's OK to be rude to you. But I would take that into account too, he's been super rude. The other thing is that quite often when people do this, it's because they've met someone else and they're too gutless to tell you because they know their behaviour is $hitty. 

[babybrowns]

Hello everyone,

Thank you for your replies. After waiting for almost a month, and him literally looking at every one my stories on social media, I reached out to him with a simple “so I see that you’re alive? 🤔”  He ignored it so a few hours later I followed it with a “are you ok? I’ve been a bit worried about you”. 

Several more hours passed and then he finally responded with a “Helloooo yea all good thanks, how are you?” He told me that he is busy with work during this time, he also asked how things are on my end.

His tone was quite casual and he didn’t bring up anything about him ghosting me a month ago when I asked if he’d like to do a phone call.

I didn’t reply to his message since I felt his response not really that of a man who is that interested. I want to see if he sends a second text since this will show me how keen he is. I do miss him but I just feel it’s a bit one-sided, if he really cared he would have been like “sorry it’s been so long- I was gonna reply but..etc”. Or should I reply to him? I’m wondering what to do.

Many thanks for your advice, as always 

 

Edited April 19, 2020 by babybrowns

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I didn’t reply to his message since I felt his response was quite casual and not that of a man who is that interested.

I agree.  He doesn't sound interested at all and probably if you hadn't sent that 2nd text he wouldn't have responded at all.  Can you block him from reading your stories?  Do not contact him again.

[babybrowns]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I agree.  He doesn't sound interested at all and probably if you hadn't sent that 2nd text he wouldn't have responded at all.  Can you block him from reading your stories?  Do not contact him again.

These are some of my thoughts too. But then why would he ask me two questions about how I am, in his response if he wasn’t that interested? That’s what’s making me think i should reply since he might actually care...I’m not sure what to do 😕

Edited April 19, 2020 by babybrowns

[stillafool]

Well now it's days later since you received the text (?) so getting back to him this late is kind of showing lack of interest on your part.  I wouldn't bother because he barely acted lukewarm.

[babybrowns]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Well now it's days later since you received the text (?) so getting back to him this late is kind of showing lack of interest on your part.  I wouldn't bother because he barely acted lukewarm.

Nah it’s just been 1.5 days. Would he text again if he was that keen? 

[snowcones]

I knew this was a man doing this just by reading your title.  Men love to be voyeurs.  They love to just watch women.  I believe it's because it gives them material to jerk off to. I'm not kidding. So that is why he and many other strange men are following and watching you on social media.  They love it.  That's why they like porn so much.  It's a man thing.  Just ignore it or block him if he becomes irritating.  It means nothing special.

Edited April 19, 2020 by snowcones

[stillafool]

57 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Nah it’s just been 1.5 days. Would he text again if he was that keen? 

If he were keen he would have texted more and certainly he would have reached out before you did.

[Miss Spider]

Speaking of someone who has hawked the social media of people I stopped seeing/sometimes ghosted (not doing this anymore), it's kind of curiosity. Like at one point I was into them so I just like to look at them, see what they're up to. It's hard to explain. I am a woman too. So I imagine for guys it's an even greater temptation to look at a woman they were once dating/hooking up with. I don't know

[ExpatInItaly]

He's not interested any longer. 

He probably just feels he's being polite by responding and asking how you are in the midst of this pandemic, but I am not seeing genuine interest in something more. 

[babybrowns]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your posts so far. To provide an update, I did reply to his ‘how are you’ message.

We then started texting back and forth, he was even making more attempts to continue the conversation than I was. He sounded keen to talk and friendly too. He’s worried about his job and other things at this time, on top of that he’s working a lot during the lockdown, it explains his silence.

This text exchange went on for one evening until I had to leave the conversation due to needing to go to sleep. I’ve not heard from him anymore since then and I’m giving him his space at this difficult time. He’s still looking at all my social media stories.

It’s now been a week. I am wondering whether to text him again, or just to wait to  hear from him? The logical part of me is saying wait until after the lockdown passes and then get back in touch with him when he’ll be in a better place to think about stuff besides work. At the same time, part of me does want to ask him now if he’d be open to meeting up again once the lockdown has finished, but then I don’t want to push him when he is under stress. Not sure of what to do?

Edited April 26, 2020 by babybrowns

[BaileyB]

If a man wants to see you, he will let you know. Interested men show their interest. 

This guy sounds like he is being polite. For whatever reason, and work stress may be part of it, this man has lost his interest in exploring this relationship. Let it go...

[babybrowns]

57 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

If a man wants to see you, he will let you know. Interested men show their interest. 

This guy sounds like he is being polite. For whatever reason, and work stress may be part of it, this man has lost his interest in exploring this relationship. Let it go...

Ofcourse that’s a possibility. But is going back and forth with him sending long, interested texts really just a guy being ‘polite’? We were officially dating before with him wanting to make summer plans with me, even hinting at marriage, so surely he would be careful to not give me a false illusion now if he has indeed lost interest. That’s why I’m finding it confusing.
 

The next time we talk, which might well be initiated by me again, I am thinking of asking him if he would like to meet up after the lockdown, just as friends if not more than that. If he doesn’t want to pursue anything more with me I would much rather have proper closure than just trying to interpret his friendly texts.

Edited April 26, 2020 by babybrowns

[ExpatInItaly]

I think he sees this more as a way to fill downtime at this point. 

I don't see consistent interest on his end, which suggests it's likely not worth pursuing. You could try to suggest meeting again when it's safe to do so, simply to mind at ease, but I am not sure I'd be hedging any bets on this working out in the end.