Why would a ghoster avidly follow your social media? Is it ever worth pursuing him?

[babybrowns]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think he sees this more as a way to fill downtime at this point. 

I don't see consistent interest on his end, which suggests it's likely not worth pursuing. You could try to suggest meeting again when it's safe to do so, simply to mind at ease, but I am not sure I'd be hedging any bets on this working out in the end. 

Thanks for your thoughts. That’s what I was going to do initially; wait for the lockdown to end first before asking if he wants to meet. But would you say it would be reasonable to ask him in advance if he’d be open to it, before the lockdown ends? It would put my mind at ease a little to know a bit more about where I stand during this already uncertain period.

[xxcazaxx]

Do you really want to be with someone who is just going to ghost you? I would say you deserve more than that 

[ExpatInItaly]

33 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

But would you say it would be reasonable to ask him in advance if he’d be open to it, before the lockdown ends? 

You might as well, even if just to give you peace of mind.  That way you won't invest more time wondering where he is if he doesn't intend to meet up again. 

[Miss Spider]

He probably will say sure, baby browns. It's a different story all around if he actually will. I agree with expat that he is just jerking around trying to kill time by looking at your social media/chatting off and on. His interest seems low from everything you wrote.

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Thanks for your thoughts. That’s what I was going to do initially; wait for the lockdown to end first before asking if he wants to meet. But would you say it would be reasonable to ask him in advance if he’d be open to it, before the lockdown ends? It would put my mind at ease a little to know a bit more about where I stand during this already uncertain period.

Can't you find out where you stand without meeting him in person?

[basil67]

8 hours ago, xxcazaxx said:

Do you really want to be with someone who is just going to ghost you? I would say you deserve more than that 

My thoughts exactly.   Do you really want the kind of partner who shuts you out when times get tough?   He's certainly not relationship material. 

[BaileyB]

Early on, you had lots of concerns. We were encouraging you to give it a chance, see what happens.

Now... He has ghosted you and you are very invested in getting together and knowing where you stand.

As Kenny Rodgers wisely said, “you gotta know when to hold them, and know when to fold them...”

[babybrowns]

Hello everyone,

Once again thank you for all your replies. I would like to provide an update on the current situation.

Ever since I reached back out to him, which I did a month after he ghosted me, we are more in touch now, albeit sporadically. Sometimes it’s he who is initiating the contact. He will randomly send me a funny video, or text me about a new picture I put up, or about something I posted on social media.

In terms of meeting up, back when we were dating he had once said that he would show me something interesting near where he works one day. I took a gamble and asked him if he’d still be up for showing it to me. He affirmed that yes he would. It is since this conversation in particular that he has been initiating contact more of the time.

However I am finding it quite difficult to gage his level of interest. On the one hand he is initiating contact with me most of the time now, on the other hand, his messages are impersonal. They lack the ‘feeling’ which they used to, it feels more like I have been friend zoned.

If it is the case that he has lost romantic interest, I would prefer it if he were upfront about it and stopped texting me; these random texts that he sends are leaving me confused about his intentions. I’m not sure if I should talk to him about it, since I’m afraid of losing this friendship which has slowly been re-budding. On the other hand I would like to know where I stand. It’s hard to know what to do! 😕
 

 

Edited May 16, 2020 by babybrowns

[BaileyB]

41 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

If it is the case that he has lost romantic interest, I would prefer it if he were upfront about it and stopped texting me;

I’m not sure if I should talk to him about it, since I’m afraid of losing this friendship which has slowly been re-budding. 

Are you assuming that this budding friendship is going to turn into romantic feelings? Because, that seems unlikely... men don’t tend to develop feelings for women over time the same way that women develop relationships. If he was interested, he would be pursuing you.

If you want to know where you stand, you need to ask him. If you pay attention to his actions - ceasing communication and ghosting you, and inconsistent impersonal responses since you reinstated contact... that says to me that he’s not interested in pursuing a serious relationship. Men who are interested tend to show their interest. His actions would pretty much tell me all I needed to know... 

Edited May 16, 2020 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you're an option at best, OP.

If it feels like he's lukewarm, he probably is. It appear he doesn't mind chatting with you and perhaps seeing you again but I don't think he's prioritizing this. My guess is that his attention is primarily with someone else. 

[babybrowns]

Hi everyone. After 2 months of vagueness, I thought I would try to get a little more clarity on what this is/ what he wants. I thus sent him this text recently, aiming to have a better idea of where I stand:

”I know that things have become a bit different since the lockdown and all. But once all this passes, would you be up for meeting up and doing something together? It would be lovely to see you after such a long time. Ofcourse we can just do it as friends”

He replied: “Yes that would be lovely ”

I still feel I’ve not come any closer towards seeing where I stand with him. Not sure what to say next really 

[BaileyB]

You sent him a text asking to meet as friends and he said yes. 

You could have asked him on a date. But you didn’t, you said “let’s be friends” when you clearly want more, and now you are still confused.

[The Outlaw]

Since he ghosted you, I wouldn't bother. Ever. There's the chance he can always do it again should you contact him. Don't. It's never worth it IMO. 

[babybrowns]

On 5/17/2020 at 2:37 PM, BaileyB said:

You sent him a text asking to meet as friends and he said yes. 

You could have asked him on a date. But you didn’t, you said “let’s be friends” when you clearly want more, and now you are still confused.

But I don’t know- the way I worded it, does it sound like I’m saying to him I just want to be friends? “Ofcourse we can just do it as friends “ ? I would have thought it would read as ‘whichever option you prefer’, but who knows how he interpreted it.

It’s now been a week since we had this conversation, he’s still checking my social media stories every day but I’ve not heard a word from him since.

The sad thing is that this week there was a massive storm that destroyed part of the place where I come from, he knew about it but he didn’t check once if I’m ok. And this is after I’ve tried to be a good friend to him all this time, being there for him when he went through stuff eg his grandmother died recently and I offered him a shoulder to cry on. It’s very one sided I feel. His lack of interest is starting to take away mine.

 

 

[BaileyB]

12 hours ago, babybrowns said:

His lack of interest is starting to take away mine.

As it should, one sided relationships don’t generally work long term. 

I’m sorry about the storm. These kinds of natural disasters feel like they add insult to injury in the days of coronavirus. I hope that you and your family and friends are well. 

[preraph]

Maybe so that he can turn to your page and brag to his little friends, This girl really likes me but I blew her off.

[Gr8fuln2020]

On 4/13/2020 at 8:23 AM, babybrowns said:

3 weeks ago, I was ghosted by a guy I was seeing for a couple of months. There was no indication that he would do this. He was coming on very strong, talking about the future, planning a summer trip with me, telling me often of his goals to get married soon and have children. He would say "I hope that doesn't sound creepy but we should be honest about our dating goals here. I really like you and I want to see where this goes".

He has quite a demanding job which means that in the 2 months that we were dating, we only saw each other twice. We also live a 3-hour drive apart. He said he is not a fan of LDRs since he had bad experience of one a few years back, but that he really wants to keep dating me and that who knows, one of us might move in the future.

The first time we met, he came to my town, the second time I went to his town. Our 3rd date kept getting postponed since his work roster kept changing. First it was 3 weeks later, then changed to 4 weeks, then 5... I did express my concerns at the unpredictability and frequency of us seeing each other. I told him that I would need to have more clarification and certainty from him about what this is going to look like before I agree to a relationship. He said ok, we could talk about it more when we met next. 

We were excitedly planning our next date, he was being flirty as ever, and then the Lockdown enforcement came. He expressed sadness that now we could not meet. I suggested that we have a catch-up phone call instead since it had been a while since we heard each other's voices. This unfortunately was when he vanished.

This was 3 weeks ago, but the strange thing is that he has been actively following my social media, watching every story without fail, even being the first one to watch them in some cases. This led me to think that perhaps he would reach out soon, but he still has not reached out. I am wondering 

1) Why would he watch my stories if he won't talk to me and 

2) Should I hold out more or reach out to him myself? 

Thanks in advance for your help

He ghosted you. Why are you allowing him to view your posts? I would never allow a ghoster to come back into my life or remain in my life. If he really wants to get back with you, then he has other ways to get a hold of you, right? Like a phone call or text?

Edited May 23, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

[babybrowns]

12 hours ago, BaileyB said:

As it should, one sided relationships don’t generally work long term. 

I’m sorry about the storm. These kinds of natural disasters feel like they add insult to injury in the days of coronavirus. I hope that you and your family and friends are well. 

Thank you Bailey, I really appreciate your words. Insult to injury yes but the silver lining is that it shows you who does care enough to check that you are ok.
This guy and I were dating for a couple of months, he confessed his intentions for ultimately getting married and having kids and kept telling me he wanted a relationship with me. 

Then he randomly disappeared when lockdown started 2 months ago and has been lukewarm and sporadic since then..I just don’t get why he said “yes” to meeting up when I asked him last week, if he’s really not that interested 😕  this and all the looking at my social media stories every day- It really plays with the mind!

Edited May 24, 2020 by babybrowns

[Lorenza]

Why are you holding on to this man, isn't your pride hurt by how lackluster he has been? 

I would be done with him the moment he'd ghost me for the first time and definitely not continuosly reaching out, waiting for his answer, giving him options. You should have a higher self-worth. 

[BaileyB]

On 5/24/2020 at 3:05 AM, babybrowns said:

This guy and I were dating for a couple of months, he confessed his intentions for ultimately getting married and having kids and kept telling me he wanted a relationship with me. 

But we’re you actually “dating“ though? How many times did you actually meet this person in real life? 

Respectfully, your texting communication created a false sense of intimacy. His talk of wanting marriage and kids created certain expectations. He put the cart before the horse and now, for whatever reason, he has decided to pull back. You just have to accept that and move on...

Edited May 25, 2020 by BaileyB

[babybrowns]

On 5/25/2020 at 4:50 PM, BaileyB said:But we’re you actually “dating“ though? How many times did you actually meet this person in real life? 

Respectfully, your texting communication created a false sense of intimacy. His talk of wanting marriage and kids created certain expectations. He put the cart before the horse and now, for whatever reason, he has decided to pull back. You just have to accept that and move on...

Oh yes, you can say that again, a false sense of willingness to take this forward from his end.

So ever since he lost interest and disappeared for a month, I'd still been trying to jolly this 'association' along, putting up with his lacklustre replies and lack of interest. What kept me going was that things were good before when he was veery different, before the lockdown.

Eventually though I was getting tired of the one-sidedness of it all, and deleted him as a contact on my phone. He noticed this since he couldn't see my picture anymore. He approached me about this and asked why I'd done it. He said he didn't like the fact that I'd just deleted him without saying anything, leaving him "very confused". 

I told him I felt that he wasn't interested in keeping a friendship going. He said "well you're the one who deleted me, how am I one who appears not keen?" He told me that he really appreciates my friendship and that he doesn't want to lose me, sorry that he didn't ask about the storm, that the last few weeks have been a bit tough for him, and asked if we could start again.

I told him I appreciated what he said, but that if we are starting again with a clean slate, I also took the opportunity to finally ask him, why he'd ghosted me that time. His reply was disappointing: "No idea- I guess I thought you weren't too keen on me either". This didn't make any sense and I think it was just an excuse he made up on the spot. He did say again that it would be nice to be friends, if I wanted to.

This was when, after months of not knowing where I stand, I decided to open up a bit. I told him that I wasn't sure why he thought I wasn't interested that time, that it wasn't the case at all. But I thanked him for finally showing me where I stand- as "just a friend", so now I can move on with other aspects of my life that I was putting on hold for him a bit.

I didn't get a response to this which did hurt, some sort of closure would have been nice, especially when again, this guy said such different things just 2 months back.

It's the first time in my life that a man who was initially as keen as a bean, who went as far as to talk about summer plans and marriage after just 2 dates,  suddenly disappeared and went lacklustre, without there being any obvious reason. It would have been nice if he'd just told me why such a 180 happened. I would like to thank everyone for your insights and help, and am grateful that I could use this platform as an outlet for my feelings and to get such good guidance.