italicdawg Posted April 13, 2020 Posted April 13, 2020 (edited) I've been seeing this guy for two months now, obviously haven't for a while due to covid. We aren't bf/gf. Both in our mid-20s. We still talk at least once a day, with the occasional call. The other day, his elderly grandparent died whom he was close to. They had been sick for a while but still, really hard, and he can't go be with his family right now because of travel restrictions. I've obviously sent my condolences, told him I'm there if he needs me at all, but otherwise given him his space. He said he was feeling a little bit better yesterday. He hasn't replied to my messages from last night at all today which is obviously to be expected given the current situation. Essentially, my question is, do I continue to wait for him to respond, or occasionally send a text here and there to check in every few days? Or should I even give him a call tomorrow/day after just to say hi? He said he had done nothing really yesterday so I'm wondering if he wants distraction. Idk, any help? EDIT: I also don't want him to think I don't care, btw. That's where my dilemma lies. Striking a balance Edited April 13, 2020 by italicdawg
Ami1uwant Posted April 13, 2020 Posted April 13, 2020 Everyone is different. Wait for his response. 1
italicdawg Posted April 13, 2020 Posted April 13, 2020 2 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: Everyone is different. Wait for his response. True, btw he;s said before during difficult times he hates when people treat him like he's 'fragile', if that makes a difference at all
italicdawg Posted April 13, 2020 Posted April 13, 2020 2 minutes ago, The American Outlaw said: Wait for him to respond. He'll come around. Thank you He already responded a few times after initially telling me, so I'll just continue to give him his space
Lotsgoingon Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 (edited) This may seem shocking but I gotta share it. His distance right now ... is not good. Grief is no reason to pull away from someone. If I'm in a good relationship, I don't pull away from a partner when I'm in grief. In fact, grief is when you have the right to be utterly demanding to your partner. You want to talk to your partner. The grieving person has cart blanche to impose on their partner and ask for care from their partner. It's an emergency, and partners are our supports during emergencies. If we don't want to go to our partner during an emergency, something ain't right. I've seen this several times. When I was dating someone I really wasn't into, I did pull away during grief--not because of the grief itself, but because the relationship was such work, that grief provided an excuse to not deal with the person, an excuse to take a break. Later, a woman did the same thing with me. A friend of hers died ... and she pulled away ... I was doing the "I'll give you space" thing ... Come to find out, same deal was in play as with me earlier. She wasn't that into me as I wasn't into my partner at the time of my grief. She wanted a break because being with me was a lot of work. As for your role, well, your job is definitely NOT to give space. That just means he's pushing you away--right at a time when he ideally would be leaning on you or just talking to you to hear your voice! He needs to connect with you and if he doesn't, then you need to be careful and aware ... and I'm sorry to say, alarmed. If he doesn't want to be close to you now, then what in the world is the point of the relationship? Here's the trick: lose the fear of awkwardness. Everything is awkward around grief. That's fine ... and don't try to cheer him up ... or make him feel better. Let him feel your connection and he'll have the strength to get through this period. But ... I really don't think you're the problem here. I think he is--he is pushing you away, keeping you away. You want to be with someone who at this time would see talking to you as a treat, as getting oxygen and love and understanding. Bottom line: it's NOT your job to strike a balance. Your job is to reach out to him. The problem is he has apparently gone so cold and distant that he's not reaching out to you. Trust me: grieving people don't spend 24 hours crying. There's plenty of time to talk to love partners. Family dynamics can be so intense and dysfunctional that grieving people LOVE to talk to people outside the family. In this case, it's a grandmother--so he doesn't have to plan the funeral. But even when my parents died and my siblings died, I had time and desire to talk to the people close to me. I needed to talk to them. So drop your guilt about calling. Call as much as you want. But know that you are being held at a distance--and that is not, contrary to a lot of thinking, the "natural" reaction of people in grief. Edited April 14, 2020 by Lotsgoingon 1
ExpatInItaly Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 (edited) 6 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: This may seem shocking but I gotta share it. His distance right now ... is not good. Grief is no reason to pull away from someone. If I'm in a good relationship, I don't pull away from a partner when I'm in grief. In fact, grief is when you have the right to be utterly demanding to your partner. You want to talk to your partner. To be fair, that is you. Your process does not necessarily reflect everyone else's, nor would it be fair to criticize people who handle it differently than you do. Edited April 14, 2020 by ExpatInItaly 1 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 Yeah. Everyone responds differently. I would recommend reaching out every once in a while and wait for his response. You can be supportive in that way, but do not hold up your life indefinitely for him. You don't owe him the suspension of your life as he recovers from this. Give him a reasonable amount of time, a month(?), to transition back into the flow of the world again. But if his response to you is meager or vacuole after some time, you should start thinking about resuming dating, but let him know that you are there for him as a friend. It simply means that he is not in a place to be dating and give enough to a relationship to do so.
italicdawg Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 16 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: Yeah. Everyone responds differently. I would recommend reaching out every once in a while and wait for his response. You can be supportive in that way, but do not hold up your life indefinitely for him. You don't owe him the suspension of your life as he recovers from this. Give him a reasonable amount of time, a month(?), to transition back into the flow of the world again. But if his response to you is meager or vacuole after some time, you should start thinking about resuming dating, but let him know that you are there for him as a friend. It simply means that he is not in a place to be dating and give enough to a relationship to do so. Thanks, I was planning on checking in every now and again (not too much, ofc). Thanks for your response
kendahke Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 (edited) Wait for him to reach out. Right now, he is consumed by grief and not at his best. His mind is busy picking up the pieces of his shattered paradigm and trying to reassemble them into something he can understand. It is in no way reflection on you, so do everything you can to not make his distancing about you--or else you will certainly run him off. He already knows you care--you've made that clear to him. He's just not in a position to act on it. Edited April 14, 2020 by kendahke
kendahke Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 15 hours ago, italicdawg said: he;s said before during difficult times he hates when people treat him like he's 'fragile', if that makes a difference at all it does---it reiterates you needing to stand down for the time being.
italicdawg Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 2 minutes ago, kendahke said: Wait for him to reach out. Right now, he is consumed by grief and not at his best. His mind is busy picking up the pieces of his shattered paradigm and trying to reassemble them into something he can understand. It is in no way reflection on you, so do everything you can to not make his distancing about you--or else you will certainly run him off. He already knows you care--you've made that clear to him. He's just not in a position to act on it. Okay thanks I haven't messaged him again since a couple of days ago so I will continue to give him space
Lotsgoingon Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 Proceed as you want, but there is a high chance this guy either can't do intimacy ... or will continue to be distant. And just note your own feelings. You're lost right now, having to come here, because basically he has abandoned you ... even withdrawn from telling you what HE needs. BTW: how long are you willing to allow this distance? A month? Six months? Look, losing a grandmother can be devastating for a young person, but it's not in the same universe as losing a parent or a spouse or an adult sibling. He ain't incoherent right now. He can tell you stories about his grandmother and about what a great person she was and what she means to him. He and his family are sharing laughs right now, stories and laughs about his grandmother. They aren't mute and incoherent. The fact that he's not calling on you--when you would do ANYTHING for him--ain't a good sign. Just keep your eyes open when things "resume."
SumGuy Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 (edited) 18 hours ago, italicdawg said: occasionally send a text here and there to check in every few days? Or should I even give him a call tomorrow/day after just to say hi? He said he had done nothing really yesterday so I'm wondering if he wants distraction. Idk, any help? EDIT: I also don't want him to think I don't care, btw. That's where my dilemma lies. Striking a balance This, send him a text, and can let him know no need for him to respond, just letting him know you are there for him if you haven't already. You can say he can also let you know if it is too much and you won't be offended. If you know he prefers the phone, then can mention you can give him a call if he'd like or he can call you anytime. I wouldn't call him out of the blue. Losing a grandparent can be devastating, in some peoples lives their grandparents are far more important and filling the parental role than there parents. It can be especially hard if this is the first death of someone close to him he has experienced. EDIT: on further reading looks let you know how much communication he likes, so follow that. Edited April 14, 2020 by SumGuy
d0nnivain Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 (edited) He's sad & in shock. None of the rituals surrounding death are available to him right now. He's lost. Don't be pushy but do reach out maybe every other day to show you care & you are there. When you do speak to him using voice ask him about the grandparent. If you can video chat him, ask to see a picture of the grand parent. Give him an outlet. If you know his address send him a card if you have one at home. If you don't just sent a written note. The NY Times wrote an article recently about how to write a quality condolence note. Search for it & follow the directions. Edited April 14, 2020 by d0nnivain
italicdawg Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: He's sad & in shock. None of the rituals surrounding death are available to him right now. He's lost. Don't be pushy but do reach out maybe every other day to show you care & you are there. When you do speak to him using voice ask him about the grandparent. If you can video chat him, ask to see a picture of the grand parent. Give him an outlet. If you know his address send him a card if you have one at home. If you don't just sent a written note. The NY Times wrote an article recently about how to write a quality condolence note. Search for it & follow the directions. See, I was considering sending a card, or maybe some flowers. But I asked some (male) friends of mine and they said it might be a bit much, and some other friends said it would be sweet but not necessary. As I haven't heard from him since Sunday, should I msg him today or tomorrow? Is calling out of the blue a no-no too?
Redhead14 Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 4 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: Proceed as you want, but there is a high chance this guy either can't do intimacy ... or will continue to be distant. And just note your own feelings. You're lost right now, having to come here, because basically he has abandoned you ... even withdrawn from telling you what HE needs. BTW: how long are you willing to allow this distance? A month? Six months? Look, losing a grandmother can be devastating for a young person, but it's not in the same universe as losing a parent or a spouse or an adult sibling. He ain't incoherent right now. He can tell you stories about his grandmother and about what a great person she was and what she means to him. He and his family are sharing laughs right now, stories and laughs about his grandmother. They aren't mute and incoherent. The fact that he's not calling on you--when you would do ANYTHING for him--ain't a good sign. Just keep your eyes open when things "resume." They hadn't been dating very long at all before the Corona virus. I wouldn't expect him to be that "connected" during this period even if the virus didn't pop up. They are not at the stage where one might expect that the connection would be deeper and cause him to be reaching out and needing her support. Would it be nice now, sure, but they aren't really "there" yet.
italicdawg Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 15 minutes ago, Redhead14 said: They hadn't been dating very long at all before the Corona virus. I wouldn't expect him to be that "connected" during this period even if the virus didn't pop up. They are not at the stage where one might expect that the connection would be deeper and cause him to be reaching out and needing her support. Would it be nice now, sure, but they aren't really "there" yet. That's what I was thinking? We're not in a relationship, we weren't friends before we began dating, I wouldn't expect him to be really in contact with me right now
Miss Spider Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 People reply if they want to , whether they are grieving or not. Wait for him to reply if he wishes to . You have shown you care by your condolence. 1
poppyfields Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 (edited) I've experienced death of a loved one, two actually, both my parents, and will tell you the predominant feeling is nothing, numb. If he's anything like me, and I realize we are all different in how we handle grief, there is a good chance he's not feeling anything for you right now. Don't take it personally, it's his grief at play here. So Lotsgoingon is partly right, yes he is distancing and doesn't want to talk, but it doesn't have to be a negative. He also does not want or need your shoulder, or your support, so please don't impose on him in that way, he wants to be left ALONE. So imo that's what you do. When he feels better he will get on touch and you can reconnect. Best of luck and stay safe. Edited April 15, 2020 by poppyfields 1 1 1
italicdawg Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 24 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I've experienced death of a loved one, two actually, both my parents, and will tell you the predominant feeling is nothing, numb. If he's anything like me, and I realize we are all different in how we handle grief, there is a good chance he's not feeling anything for you right now. Don't take it personally, it's his grief at play here. So Lotsgoingon is partly right, yes he is distancing and doesn't want to talk, but it doesn't have to be a negative. He also does not want or need your shoulder, or your support, so please don't impose on him in that way, he wants to be left ALONE. So imo that's what you do. When he feels better he will get on touch and you can reconnect. Best of luck and stay safe. thx, and im sorry to hear about your losses. i hope your doing better now x
kendahke Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 23 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: Look, losing a grandmother can be devastating for a young person, but it's not in the same universe as losing a parent or a spouse or an adult sibling. I disagree--perhaps not for you, but if one had a very close relationship with their grandparent, it can be just as devastating.
simpycurious Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 I think that losing someone affects each person differently. Some people are more emotional than others, some deal with grieve internally as opposed to externally. TIME is probably what this guy needs most. TIME has the unique ability to heal or mend many wounds.
d0nnivain Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 (edited) I would not send flowers but a note is fine. So is a call out of the blue. In any world or relationship where compassion or empathy are bad things, leave me out. I am not advocating smothering him but 1-2 attempts to offer condolence or be a sounding board in these unsettling times has to be a good thing, IMO Edited April 15, 2020 by d0nnivain 1
Fletch Lives Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 The relationship was not going anywhere. Why not find a new guy to date?
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