Why is it in cheating, people blame the 'cheatee' and not the cheater?

[ironpony]

This isn't having anything to do with me and a gf, but I've noticed growing up over the years, that friends of mine and other people I know, will have an SO, and when that SO cheats, they totally go after the person the SO cheated with, rather than the cheating SO.

I've had guy friends who have said things like, "I'm going to kill the guy she f#$%ed", etc.  And I have had women friends who reacted the same way and totally want to go and scream at the other woman.  But when it comes to the cheating SO's they act like it was not their fault so much as it was the other persons, 'the cheatees', or whatever you would call the other person.

But I never understand this type of thinking though.  Why get made at the cheatee when they are really just a patsy, who didn't know the other person was in a relationship a lot of the time.  Why get made at the patsy who was likely unaware, instead of getting mad at the user who is the cheating SO?

Why is the SO almost off the hook it seems in comparison to the patsy, with the way a lot of people think?

Edited April 14, 2020 by ironpony

[ironpony]

Just for me to clarify more, I don't mean to make it sound like I am generalizing people, but it seems a lot of people I have known are like this to the point where it just seems peculiar.

[ExpatInItaly]

25 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Why is the SO almost off the hook it seems in comparison to the patsy, with the way a lot of people think?

Because the truth is so painful that the betrayed party sometimes wants to blame anyone but their wayward partner. It's often too hard to acknowledge and admit (at first) that their cheating partner was capable of such behaviour, as it doesn't line up with the person they thought they knew. It takes time for that realization to set in, for some folks. 

Honestly speaking, I don't actually know that many people who didn't also blame their significant others, though. Yes, I have seen a lot of blame foisted on the third party but I don't really know anyone who absolved their cheating partners of responsibility, either.  Sometimes it just happened a bit later as the initial shock wore off and reality hit. 

[ironpony]

Oh okay, yeah they probably didn't totally absolve their partners, but when they discuss the situation around me and friends, all they can talk about how mad they are at the cheatee and how much they hate them.  So whatever ill feelings they may have toward their partner, they totally keep to themselves about it seems compared to when they talk about it with others.

[ExpatInItaly]

19 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay, yeah they probably didn't totally absolve their partners, but when they discuss the situation around me and friends, all they can talk about how mad they are at the cheatee and how much they hate them.  So whatever ill feelings they may have toward their partner, they totally keep to themselves about it seems compared to when they talk about it with others.

Yes, and that's likely because they can't yet accept that their partner doesn't love them the way they thought they did. 

[Emilie Jolie]

2 hours ago, ironpony said:

So whatever ill feelings they may have toward their partner, they totally keep to themselves about it seems compared to when they talk about it with others.

This rationalisation also justifies why there is no immediate breakup, or even no breakup at all sometimes. It's easier to blame it all on the other person when the couple has decided to work things out and stay together despite the cheating. It's almost like a self-protection technique. Behind closed doors is very likely a completely different story.

 

[kendahke]

it's safer to some people who are heavily invested in the relationship to blame the outside force instead of looking at the rot in their own relationship. That means they don't have to uproot their entire lives and move on and be alone for a period of time before their next relationship materializes.

For some people, being alone and out of a relationship is far more intimidating and they need to maintain their status quo--and the best way to do that is to blame everyone except the person who knew they were in a relationship and didn't give an eff about their partner.

Edited April 14, 2020 by kendahke

[Blind-Sided]

I've often thought of this myself. While I agree with some of the above... it's really the mentality of the BS.   But now that I'm older, and have been the outsider looking in... I realize they are all different.

1) My brother's wife cheated.  He blamed the OM.  The second time she cheated (Different guy, in a different state) He blamed HER !  (and divorced her)

2) One of my female friends cheated with a MM. (She was also married) Her H blamed her, and they are only together now because they don't want to hurt the kids. (Dumb) The MM is still hiding it from his BS. BUT his reasons for cheating were he was unhappy in his marriage. (He is also still married)  

3) Second female friend is currently cheating with a single OM. In his eyes... who cares.  In her BS... he is in denial and they are just "Friends".  So he's not blaming anyone.  In this case, as the outsider, the BS is to blame, and he may be reflecting on years of being told to be more active in their relationship.

4) Have a third female friend and her situation is almost like #3. but she has only been married for 6 months. (She tells me she doesn't know why she even went through with the wedding other than she hoped it would get better)

5) In my case... I found out the exW had someone WAY before the divorce was filed.  I never once blamed him. I 100% blamed her, and her mental issues.

Now... after the damage was done... every one of the cheaters claim that they were unhappy.  So the real question is... why cheat?  why not just start the divorce?  The reality is... once the cheater is found out... there is very little chance for getting alimony. LOL.

[Lotsgoingon]

I've seen that as well, and yes, it always struck me that blaming the other person doesn't make much sense. It might be a way to temporarily deny and minimize the  betrayal by your partner. 

 

 

Edited April 14, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[smackie9]

Because they love their SO, and it's too hard to fathom that they would cheat. The other person is an outsider, a threat, a trespasser, the enemy. They are going to be the first one they go after...then they eventually turn their attention to the cheater.

[amaysngrace]

It’s both of them.  Without either one of them participating there’d be no affair.

They're both equally at fault. The only way the outsider is innocent is if the one in the relationship lied about already having a partner but if they’re aware of it then it’s straight 50/50 blame.

[Versacehottie]

Because the SO's, friends, family effectively may want to punish or are disappointed in the cheater but still want him or her in their lives.  The cheatee they wish was never born, did not come into their world, upset the status quo. There is an element of possession involved in still wanting to keep the person who cheated even though it's a betrayal; maybe it's part of your identity or represents your hopes and dreams and future or there is simply too much to untangle if you are a family.  With the friends and family of a cheater, there is a lower standard one is held to so it's less of a betrayal but more of a disappointment; it's a mistake which are more forgivable. Lastly, for sake of storytelling and simplicity, lots of people like to characterize things as GOOD/BAD, GOOD/EVIL which in this case is what they do with people.  Someone who has invaded (effectively) a life with "ties" is seen as immoral and thus easily deemed to be EVIL or bad.  and upset the balance of things, thus people put her (or him) in COMPARISON with the person cheated on--that's why looks, status, career, etc will be nitpicked on the cheatee.

Edited April 14, 2020 by Versacehottie

[elaine567]

Most people who love the cheater and want to be with him/her, often cannot hate them.
They need to live with them, they need to make up, put on a brave face and carry on.
They cannot believe that the person they love could have betrayed them .. 
That makes no sense to them.
They need to protect their own ego too.
"He/she cheated not because, I wasn't good enough, he/she was bored with me, he/she found someone better...
NO, that can't be right..
He/she cheated as that b^tch/bast^rd stole him/her away from me."
That makes perfect sense to them.
Whilst they try to mentally tie themselves in knots, they still need to get that anger, upset and sorrow out, they need to hate and blame someone, so the AP/OW/OM is the prime candidate.

Of course some will go for the jugular of the cheater straight away... they blame them and only them.

[preraph]

Because they want to stay with the cheater and believe someone MADE them do it.  It's weak.

[carhill]

OP, relationships are transactional. The cheatee gets something from the cheater, or has, and is invested in the cheater. The cheater's affair partner is a nobody, unknown or known, no benefit at all, ever, usually. Easy to hate. Orgy of hate for AP takes heat off cheater. Hysterical bonding ensues.

Edited April 14, 2020 by carhill

[pepperbird]

 

On 4/14/2020 at 1:08 AM, ironpony said:

This isn't having anything to do with me and a gf, but I've noticed growing up over the years, that friends of mine and other people I know, will have an SO, and when that SO cheats, they totally go after the person the SO cheated with, rather than the cheating SO.

I've had guy friends who have said things like, "I'm going to kill the guy she f#$%ed", etc.  And I have had women friends who reacted the same way and totally want to go and scream at the other woman.  But when it comes to the cheating SO's they act like it was not their fault so much as it was the other persons, 'the cheatees', or whatever you would call the other person.

But I never understand this type of thinking though.  Why get made at the cheatee when they are really just a patsy, who didn't know the other person was in a relationship a lot of the time.  Why get made at the patsy who was likely unaware, instead of getting mad at the user who is the cheating SO?

Why is the SO almost off the hook it seems in comparison to the patsy, with the way a lot of people think?

There's plenty of responsibility to go around.
Personally,, I find it quite ironic when an ow/om says " you can't place any blame on me...he/she chose this themselves" and then turn around and says "he/she is only cheating because of their BS. They're not really like that"

Edited April 24, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Formatting

[pepperbird]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

Because they want to stay with the cheater and believe someone MADE them do it.  It's weak.

There's times when the OW/OM deserves EVERY ounce of blame placed at their feet.

 

2 hours ago, amaysngrace said:

It’s both of them.  Without either one of them participating there’d be no affair.

They're both equally at fault. The only way the outsider is innocent is if the one in the relationship lied about already having a partner but if they’re aware of it then it’s straight 50/50 blame.

I was one of the unlucky people. I ended up with an OW who wouldn't leave me along for more than ten years. Ten years after an affair that barely made it past two weeks?
I 100 percent blame her for the harassment, phone calls, emails, making my kids cry, stalking behaviour, suicide threats, trying to convince my husband I was cheating on him. the even spent some time with the MPs it got so bad.
Yeah, I don't think I can blame my husband for that.

[amaysngrace]

8 hours ago, pepperbird said:

Yeah, I don't think I can blame my husband for that.

Sure you can.  He strayed and brought her into your marriage/lives.

Actions have consequences. 

Edited April 15, 2020 by amaysngrace

[pepperbird]

10 hours ago, amaysngrace said:

Sure you can.  He strayed and brought her into your marriage/lives.

Actions have consequences. 

He's not responsible for her actions, Those are ALL on her. They go well beyond the affair and went on for years.
It's like this. Say there's a guy who is mad at his wife and he's screaming obscenities to her and hitting her. A passerby has had a bad day, is POed to start. The husband calls out to her and asks her to join in.
That woman has two choices- she can choose to walk away, or he can choose to join in. If she chooses to join in, that's on her. She can't blame the man, she chose that 100 percent all on her own.

That does NOTHING to diminish the responsibility of the man hitting his wife. These are actually two separate things.

[Fletch Lives]

Jealousy.

And because they love their SO so much, the cheater can get away with murder.

Edited April 15, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[oldtruck]

ironpony, simple facts:

most BS try to recover their relationship.

they get mad at their WS but move on, get past it for recovery cannot happen otherwise.

the BS gets mad at the AP, and that anger turns to hate for there is no need to let go of

that anger because they do not need to do so to recover their relationship with their WS.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 4/13/2020 at 11:08 PM, ironpony said:

Why is it in cheating, people blame the 'cheatee' and not the cheater?

 

This isn't having anything to do with me and a gf, but I've noticed growing up over the years, that friends of mine and other people I know, will have an SO, and when that SO cheats, they totally go after the person the SO cheated with, rather than the cheating SO.

 

This doesn't make any sense.

 

The "cheatee"  is the innocent partner/spouse.

 

The 3rd party has nothing to do with the core component, as they are not certain to be "cheating" at all.

 

 

[pepperbird]

On 4/15/2020 at 6:10 PM, oldtruck said:

ironpony, simple facts:

most BS try to recover their relationship.

they get mad at their WS but move on, get past it for recovery cannot happen otherwise.

the BS gets mad at the AP, and that anger turns to hate for there is no need to let go of

that anger because they do not need to do so to recover their relationship with their WS.

true in  some cases, not in all.

For instance, when the OW my husband had been seeing for maybe a bit more than two weeks before they broke up and he told me what happened walked up to my children and me in a  grocery store, looked at them and asked them right out how they liked their daddy being gone and they started crying, that made angry at her. The same was true when she tried to convince my deployed spouse that I was cheating on him by sending him a bunch of anonymous messages that they had seen me with an other guy, , when she started calling/emailing me dozens of times threatening to harm herself and it will be my fault, when she started sitting outside my house in her car, just starting at it for hours and my husband wasn't even in the country. She'd just sit there and stare.  She was actually charged and prosecuted in a military court because of what she was doing. I  was very angry at her. That was all on her and my feelings had zero to do with not wanting to be angry at my spouse.

I understand most affairs aren't like that. It's over, and maybe there's a bit of back and forth, but that;s the extent of it. This went on for years. At some point, an ow or om has to take responsibility for their choices and how they act if and when the affair ends. If I started treating her the way she had treated me, I doubt there'd be many saying it was all my spouse's fault. I'd be roasted for taking my actions that far, and rightly so.





 

Edited April 17, 2020 by pepperbird

[Starswillshine]

I have to agree with pepperbird here. Probably because I, too, was harassed by the OW.

I actually did not blame the OW at first. I don't blame her for the affair. That was my xWH's doing. When she went nuts, when she would not leave us alone, that I blamed on her.

There are not many people who actually put all the blame on the OP. They may redirect their anger after they start the reconciliation process. The OP is not a person who is loved by the BS. Not someone he/she shares a home with, children with. It is easy to place that hate/anger on them. My xH got a lot of my anger. Much more than OW did; however, she got some as well. Partially because she went out of her way to hurt me... repeatedly. While yes, my xH was the cause of her being in my life, and don't worry, there was lots of anger towards him over that. She is at fault for continuing to harass me. For multiple years after the end of the affair.

[pepperbird]

26 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

I have to agree with pepperbird here. Probably because I, too, was harassed by the OW.

I actually did not blame the OW at first. I don't blame her for the affair. That was my xWH's doing. When she went nuts, when she would not leave us alone, that I blamed on her.

There are not many people who actually put all the blame on the OP. They may redirect their anger after they start the reconciliation process. The OP is not a person who is loved by the BS. Not someone he/she shares a home with, children with. It is easy to place that hate/anger on them. My xH got a lot of my anger. Much more than OW did; however, she got some as well. Partially because she went out of her way to hurt me... repeatedly. While yes, my xH was the cause of her being in my life, and don't worry, there was lots of anger towards him over that. She is at fault for continuing to harass me. For multiple years after the end of the affair.

The ow my husband got involved with isn't a bad person at all, but her actions towards me sure were.   This being said, I feel really bad for her, as she's a mother of two young kids ( or more, I don't know) and her spouse is cheating on her pretty much as often as he can. It's a rotten place to be, and I wouldn't wish that on her or anyone else. I hope she can find the strength to find a guy who will treat her better.

I will never know why she fixated on me the way she did. Quite frankly, I'm not that interesting a person to deserve that sort of attention.

Like I said, from what I can tell, most affairs end, and after a bit of understandable back and forth, it's over. The people in them are just ordinary people and while they may be hurt,  they can let go and move on. For whatever reaosn, she couldn't.