Why is it in cheating, people blame the 'cheatee' and not the cheater?

[ironpony]

Quote

Most people who love the cheater and want to be with him/her, often cannot hate them.
They need to live with them, they need to make up, put on a brave face and carry on.
They cannot believe that the person they love could have betrayed them .. 
That makes no sense to them.
They need to protect their own ego too.
"He/she cheated not because, I wasn't good enough, he/she was bored with me, he/she found someone better...
NO, that can't be right..
He/she cheated as that b^tch/bast^rd stole him/her away from me."
That makes perfect sense to them.
Whilst they try to mentally tie themselves in knots, they still need to get that anger, upset and sorrow out, they need to hate and blame someone, so the AP/OW/OM is the prime candidate.

Of course some will go for the jugular of the cheater straight away... they blame them and only them.

Oh okay, I guess the way I look at it, I don't look at it, as the cheatee, stealing the cheater.  An SO cheating is like money inside a bank vault, deciding to leave the bank, and go to someone's house and knock on the door.  You can't call it robbing the bank, if the money got up and left by itself, was just my way of looking it it.

A few years ago, I had a gf that cheated which I talked about on here before.  I was frustrated with her over, tried to work it out, but things were just not the same after, and peopl said to break up, so I did.  But I never once was more mad at the 'cheatee'.  Never really gave him much though, compared to the gf.

[oldtruck]

13 hours ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay, I guess the way I look at it, I don't look at it, as the cheatee, stealing the cheater.  An SO cheating is like money inside a bank vault, deciding to leave the bank, and go to someone's house and knock on the door.  You can't call it robbing the bank, if the money got up and left by itself, was just my way of looking it it.

A few years ago, I had a gf that cheated which I talked about on here before.  I was frustrated with her over, tried to work it out, but things were just not the same after, and peopl said to break up, so I did.  But I never once was more mad at the 'cheatee'.  Never really gave him much though, compared to the gf.

no law that you have to hate the AP more than the WS. and, this is why you dumped her.

some BS place the full blame on the  WS. 

[OatsAndHall]

Both parties hold some blame.. A SO violated trust on a huge level but, unless the other party was completely in the dark, they crossed a boundary by messing around with someone who they knew was married/in a relationship. IMO, much more of the fault lays with the SO but the "cheatee" should've steered clear. They put their hand into a hornet's nest and can expect repercussions.

[ironpony]

Oh okay, but doesn't the cheatee sometimes not know that they are hooking up with someone who is cheating though, if that person doesn't tell them?  One time about a decade ago, I went out with a woman I was into and we both had sex later.  Later, I found out she was married and she lied to me about it.  But was I at fault, if she didn't tell me, and I couldn't have known?

[Woggle]

They share some blame but at the end of the day the person who betrayed you shares most of the blame.

[oldtruck]

15 hours ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay, but doesn't the cheatee sometimes not know that they are hooking up with someone who is cheating though, if that person doesn't tell them?  One time about a decade ago, I went out with a woman I was into and we both had sex later.  Later, I found out she was married and she lied to me about it.  But was I at fault, if she didn't tell me, and I couldn't have known?

innocent if soon as you found out you went NC with her.

if not then guilty.

[ironpony]

She stopped hooking up with me and I didn't find out till afterward through someone else, in a conversation.

[trackday]

People cheat for many reasons and in most cases the truth never comes out. Being in a consensual non monogamous marriage for 42 years we have learned that the vast percentages of busted relationship fail because their built on faulty foundations.

Fear and shame are what keep people from telling the truth. 

[lifeoflies]

generally it appears to me as though women get angry at the other women and do the majority of the blaming them.  i said generally....if the men have any sense, and of course, that is iffy,  they will shut the hell up and not attempt do any blaming.  whats the point of blaming anyway?

Edited April 20, 2020 by lifeoflies

[K.K.]

People sometimes blame the cheatee instead of the cheater because they’re trying to make excuses in their head so they can hold on to the person that they love. Women do this more than men, I think. Women will try to brush it off as some heathen sexy female that their man just couldn’t resist. Like he was powerless to stop it because of his urges and genetic make-up. And she’s not about to be handing him over on a silver platter to another woman either, so she’ll sink her claws in and hold on for dear life. She’ll just make his days a living hell for awhile and throw it in his face every chance she gets until she finally dumps him for the sexiest guy that she can find. 😁

Men seem to go the opposite way. They’ll totally dump their girl in a heartbeat if she cheats because .. well.. a man can’t get over another dong being inside of his woman! A woman isn’t supposed to be a wanton slut so he figures he wasn’t keeping her satisfied. His pride is destroyed. So he’ll just hate her guts and cry himself to sleep for months while pretending that she died. Then he’ll tell his whole freaking sob story to every future love interest he comes across. 

Yea ... I’m generalizing. I know. Had a little time on my hands. 

[lifeoflies]

I think there is an unspoken assumption that, in the world of emotions, women call the shots.  Men are unaccustomed to this world.  Maybe men are assumed to be "helpless" to the power of women.  It's easy then to blame the supposed wicked, manipulative temptress when a man defies reason and compassion and selfishly betrays his wife.  This assumption makes it too easy for men to "play" a helpless role and avoid responsibility.   this mindset also allows the betrayed person to feel like "if it wasn't for the other woman, my man would be faithful".  we are both happy to duck responsibility this mindset engenders.

Edited April 23, 2020 by lifeoflies

[Ellener]

On 4/14/2020 at 1:08 AM, ironpony said:

when that SO cheats, they totally go after the person the SO cheated with, rather than the cheating SO.

I think if someone cheats on you the relationship is over 'all but the shouting'...but if it's not for whatever practical or low self-esteem or idealistic reasoning the SO is already loved and familiar and people are more accepting with that and less so with 'outsiders'.

[DKT3]

On 4/14/2020 at 8:55 AM, Blind-Sided said:

I've often thought of this myself. While I agree with some of the above... it's really the mentality of the BS.   But now that I'm older, and have been the outsider looking in... I realize they are all different.

1) My brother's wife cheated.  He blamed the OM.  The second time she cheated (Different guy, in a different state) He blamed HER !  (and divorced her)

2) One of my female friends cheated with a MM. (She was also married) Her H blamed her, and they are only together now because they don't want to hurt the kids. (Dumb) The MM is still hiding it from his BS. BUT his reasons for cheating were he was unhappy in his marriage. (He is also still married)  

3) Second female friend is currently cheating with a single OM. In his eyes... who cares.  In her BS... he is in denial and they are just "Friends".  So he's not blaming anyone.  In this case, as the outsider, the BS is to blame, and he may be reflecting on years of being told to be more active in their relationship.

4) Have a third female friend and her situation is almost like #3. but she has only been married for 6 months. (She tells me she doesn't know why she even went through with the wedding other than she hoped it would get better)

5) In my case... I found out the exW had someone WAY before the divorce was filed.  I never once blamed him. I 100% blamed her, and her mental issues.

Now... after the damage was done... every one of the cheaters claim that they were unhappy.  So the real question is... why cheat?  why not just start the divorce?  The reality is... once the cheater is found out... there is very little chance for getting alimony. LOL.

You need better friends 

[lifeoflies]

11 hours ago, K.K. said:

Men seem to go the opposite way. They’ll totally dump their girl in a heartbeat if she cheats because .. well.. a man can’t get over another dong being inside of his woman! A woman isn’t supposed to be a wanton slut so he figures he wasn’t keeping her satisfied. 

That's a pretty accurate characterization of a man's feelings.

[Blind-Sided]

8 hours ago, DKT3 said:

You need better friends 

Hu?  I have great friends.  2 of the 3 women I was talking about are old friends. (+20 years)   You don't abandon people just because they are going through a rough patch in their lives.

[Woggle]

My first wife cheated and I blamed her. I am not going to be like other men and go to prison over a woman who doesn't give a damn about her vows to me.

[lifeoflies]

4 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

Hu?  I have great friends.  2 of the 3 women I was talking about are old friends. (+20 years)   You don't abandon people just because they are going through a rough patch in their lives.

i think it was a light hearted response.  It is good to be loyal to your friends.

[Cookiesandough]

Jealousy and this concept that someone can be "stolen away" I could never understand it. To me, there is no wrong of an OW or OM.   People feel if they focus all their most of their anger and blame on the other person, they can direct it away from the person they still love/want to be with and sleep better at night, I guess.

Edited April 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[simpycurious]

That's it.  Why go through all the turmoil for someone that DOES NOT want to be with you and has such little regard for you.  You could look at it like this:  the OW or OM DID YOU A FAVOR. Why blame the OTHER PERSON solely?  I think that maybe sometimes it's a BRUISED EGO that generates the anger.  The old saying about there being "plenty of fish in the sea" is RIGHT.  Actually, there is much more than PLENTY.