setting a boundary

[hernandez90]

If you feel like someone is treating you unfairly with inconsistent behaviour, is it ever OK to respectfully let them know that you don't appreciate it?

There's a girl who I've known and had feelings for for some time.

She often acts very interested in me and I have expressed my interest to her in the past, and to a degree she reciprocates, but always end up pulling away from me when I try to move it forward. Whenever she does this, I just mirror her behaviour and leave her alone. She always comes back. When she does, I am friendly but not overly keen. She always starts to talk about feelings. I said to her (respectfully) that it seems to me that she enjoys attention and it is self-centred. She says, no, she likes me but she ends up pushing me away because she is scared of intimacy. I take this with a pinch of salt but she seems fairly genuine.

Recently, she texted me and called me many times. I stayed aloof for a while but eventually I started to talk to her again. Naturally and predictably, she starts to go quiet again. I'm not interested in the reasons for it, but rather than just ignore her I want to set my boundary and say to her:

If you want to talk regularly, or be aloof, either is fine with me, but you have to be consistent now. No more dipping in and out whenever you feel like it. 

I'm not interested in gaming her, or trying to gain control of the situation. at the end of the day, we do have a friendship and she is treating me like an accessory that she can pick up and put down whenever she pleases. I want to let her know that this behaviour is not OK with me, but without being passive aggressive.

[FMW]

Of course you can talk to her about that.  But honestly, you've voiced your feelings about how she's acted in the past and she just keeps falling back on the same behavior.  

Talk all you want, but the only way to resolve this is to just stay away from her and not respond to her sporadic attention.  You have feelings for her - the most likely result of allowing her to keep coming back around is at the very least frustration, if not actual hurt.  

[Ellener]

3 hours ago, hernandez90 said:

I want to let her know that this behaviour is not OK with me, but without being passive aggressive.

Being aloof is passive aggressive. 

3 hours ago, hernandez90 said:

She says, no, she likes me but she ends up pushing me away because she is scared of intimacy. I take this with a pinch of salt but she seems fairly genuine.

Be direct then, if she's genuine she'll appreciate a direct talk. 
It looks like one of those 'missed connection' things though where she just isn't ready for a relationship.

[hernandez90]

Yeah it's good advice. The thing is, she is always the one to initiate conversation, to carry it on, and then to end it. I do reciprocate but I'm always wary of becoming too invested as I've come to expect her to just fall off the face of the earth. Her silence frustrates me initially, but I've never chased her up, I just go into a bit of a funk for a day or two and then I'm over it. It's usually a month or so later that I see her again. She comes over and apologizes for going quiet. It was during one of these conversations that I told her - it seems to me that she comes and goes just for the attention, rather than because she actually values me or feels any strong way towards me. This did seem to have an impact on her. I don't like the term 'friendzone' but I don't think that applies here - there is always a tension between us.

 

[hernandez90]

and yes, I totally agree. Being aloof is passive aggressive. This is why I would rather be direct than reciprocate the silence. There is the widely held belief that bringing this kind of thing up with women is emotionally insecure and weak, and silence is the way to go. I don't buy in to that. I think if I confidently and respectfully explain how her behaviour effects me without whining or asking for anything, she will appreciate it.

[hernandez90]

So I confronted her.

I told her that I could feel her going quiet on me again, despite initiating a period of closeness. I said that she could be as close or as distant as she wanted, but she had to stay consistent from now on. She started off very defensive, but I reassured her I wasn't being repraochful, and she conceded, but said I was being 'dramatic'.

I said that maybe if it were one time it would be a dramatic reaction, but it kept happening and I didn't want it to happen any more. I said I didn't enjoy the confrontation but I'd rather talk to her than ignore her.

She apologised for how she made me feel, but said that ignoring her would be 'weird'  but she wouldn't be offended if 'that's what I needed to do'. It felt like every concession she made was coming with a caveat at this point.

I said I didn't want to ignore her, but if she couldn't break the cycle of drawing me in just to push me away again, then I didn't really have an option other than to not reciprocate when she did feel like talking. I said if she was willing to change that then I'd be patient, but if not, then I didn't want it to continue and I would see her when I see her, no hard feelings.

She said she was 'dumbfounded' by this 'ultimatum'. and told me I was making no sense. Defensive again, levelling criticism back at me for the timing of it, as if that was pertinent to the issue. I didn't allow myself to become agitated and stuck to the matter at hand. I said that the last time I saw her SHE was the one to bring this up, saying I was wrong to think she was in it for attention (something I still suspect to be the case), and the truth was that she was scared to get too close to me. I said again, that if she was willing to work on that, I'd be patient, but if not, then it had to be the end of it.

She immedeately said 'I don't feel the same way' and that she was sad 'there could be no middle ground'. 

It seems to me like she became overly defensive, and her response lacked empathy, apologising out of embarrassment rather than sincerity. I wasn't impressed with the way she reacted to it, and I think her last words on the subject were deliberately dismissive, because she had lost control of the situation.

 

 

 

[preraph]

Unfortunately, she doesn't feel the same way.  I think on some level she appreciates that you liked her, but she did say she has intimacy issues, and sounds to me like she might know that for sure, like maybe through therapy or something.  And those people really do have a problem getting close.  And now she's come right out and said she doesn't feel the same way.  She feels a way about you, like friends, sounds like, and probably flattered you like her and probably needed a friend, but she's been honest now and said it's not going to happen, so you need to believe her.  

[hernandez90]

yeah, I do believe her, absolutely. In the past she has said how she likes me, so it has always confused me why she has been so resistant when I've tried to take it forward. I did think for a while that she was in it for attention, and I did put that to her once (in a lighthearted way, I'm not a particularly serious person, usually). Since then, any time she is flirty or anything, I always try to move it forward by asking her on a date, almost as a call to her bluff, if that makes sense.

She avoided the issue for a while but then she brought it up with me again a few months later, saying that I was wrong, and it was more due to her intimacy issues. Obviously this is unfortunate for her, and I totally empathize, but there's nothing I can do to change that. Then again, I can't allow myself to be party to it any more. That said, I would much rather it be a case of that than a case of her using me for attention, as I would have real trouble staying friends with her after that.

[preraph]

Yeah, that's just unfortunate for her.  She has problems.  Sorry.