do I try and move on or wait and see?

[Emily16]

Hello everyone, so I guess I am looking for some honest outsiders advice. It's quite a long story so bare with me.

I'd been with my ex for about 4 and a half years, he'd broken up with me twice before during the relationship, once because he did not know how to support me when I was having a rough time and my brother was severely unwell  and second because he decided he wanted to go off and do his own thing and be single. Both times we still spoke all the time and met up regularly and things just fell into place after a few months. We'd been back together now for over 2 years and in my eyes things were going great, back in January we were having the discussion about whether we should buy our first place together and move in this year or whether we should go off travelling together. It really seemed like things were the best they could be and that he was as happy as I was. I've been suffering from some mental health issues for about 6 months, I'm in a job that is going no where and just generally in a not great point in life, in fact I would say the only aspect of my life that made me happy was him. The depression does also stem back to our relationship issues in the past and the fact he had left twice already, I was on edge expecting this to happen again at some point. My ex also had an issue with drink that had an effect on out relationship, last summer we had gone out together on a Saturday night for him to get absolutely wasted in from of me and start flirting with other women. It got to the point that I was begging him to come home with me that he lashed out at me physically. All of that really messed things up in my head, he agreed to have counselling to help with the issue as I told him I would leave otherwise and he told me he would not be able to function without me in his life. I guess he got help for it and moved on from it but I didn't, I never even told anyone what happened that night and that set off my mental health even worse.

So we broke up this time about 2 months ago, he told me that he didn't like the way I was always feeling down and that I relied on him to cheer me up. He wanted to be spontaneous about his life and felt that i was holding him back. It all came to a head when we were on a weeks break before committing to a breakup and I noticed he'd not text me all day and not been on his phone for hours, I found out through a mutual friend that he had infact been out with another girl whilst still being with me. He of course denied it the next day and called me crazy saying we were over and he didn't wish to see me to discuss things or get his stuff back. 2 months later and we still have not seen each other. At first he agreed that we were over but that he would see me the next week to see how we were both finding things, this did not happen as he decided he didn't need to do this anymore. He then spent the best part of the day sending me messages about all the dates he'd been on and how these girls were nothing like me and how he just wanted me. Stupidly I believed him and said that I was happy to start seeing each other again and see what happened for him to turn round and say I was pushing him into something he was still deciding about and that I never gave him space to think about how he was feeling. 

It's safe to say that he had made all the decision and dictated to me the whole way through this about what would happen and what wouldn't. I do want to make it clear that he didn''t control me when we were together, he was always very fair and let me get on with what everything I wanted to. It's more now after the break up he has become controlling telling me what we can do and what we can talk about.

We've pretty much spoken every day since  the break up and a lot of it has been me asking for him to give me a chance and try and make this work again, which I know is wrong but I honestly loved him so much that I cannot and do not want to image my future without him. It seems crazy to me that we came back from this so many times before and now that is not an option. The weekend before we broke up we were lying in bed together talking about buying out house and he said that  while things had been rough recently due to my mental health issues that he would never walk away again because he knew how good the relationship could be and the extent that we cared about each other too. He clearly said that he would never make the same mistake again and then went and did the same thing

The current situation with the virus and with the both of us being locked down and unable to work has not helped, we have had multiple arguments resulting in me being blocked on social medic and blocked and unblocked on WhatsApp. He has told me that he is happy to continue talking for the time being while this goes on but that he does not want to talk about us and that he will not answer any of my questions and that if I continue to ask them that he will block me again. The whole thing is driving me crazy and is not helping with the issues I already had. I feel like he controls everything and that he try to make out it is me that controls him. I made the mistake of asking him what would happen when lock down ends, ie. will he just stop talking to me, or will we meet up, or will we just see how we feel at the time and his response was "here we go again, you've ruined it yet again" and then refused to speak about anything at all for the rest of the day. 

I just don't know what to do I know the way I have been treated on the past is wrong and I know that I am not entirely innocent in this situation. I love this man so much and I'm honestly terrified of seeing him with someone else. It is mad worse by the fact we both live and socialise in the same small town so once the lock down is over I will bump into him so i'm not even able to look forward to going out with my friends. I feel like in the past I accepted a lot from him and supported him through hard times even though it drained me mentally and now he is not willing to stand by me and try and make things work.

Do I continue to speak to him and stick to his rules about not talking about us and see what happens? But then I run the risk of nothing happening and proloninging the hurt or do I finally try and let him go and accept this is never going to work?

Grateful of anyone's thoughts or opinions on what you would do in this situation x

[jackzv121]

Okay this is a big long topic. I will try and go through it. I am currently having my own issues so I know how you feel. Obviously to anyone on the outside, this guy is a bit of a loose cannon. Running around dating women and dictating what you can and can't do. I know that's not nice to hear and you love him and he loves you but he can't be doing that.

Now if you want to stay with him, which obviously everybody will disagree with, but if you really want to, you need to unfortunately play him at his own game. I.e don't message him until he messages you, and when he does just be casual, light hearted and playful as you can. Don't push him into anything because he just self implodes. There isn't much to talk about in this isolation. You need to look independant from him with friends and stuff, look like you have an existence outside from him and aren't waiting around for him. Men and Women both like what they can't have, and you need to look strong and not easily swayed.

I know you're going to say "but if I act a bit more distant and less needy of him then he will get mad and ignore me". He might very well do that but he will only do that for a period of time, he will contact you again. You just need to be neutral with him and make him realise he can't just drop you and pick you up. Just get through this isolation and be strong.

This is a difficult one because the guy sounds like a bit wild and psycho, but remember you're the only one who knows him, we don't. Just look like an appealing choice to him. He must be good looking cos most girls would have gone running haha

[ExpatInItaly]

This is sad to read, OP. This guy does not genuinely see a future with you; it's clear as day. 

You deserve more in a relationship, and this one died a long time ago. I realize he gives you little glimmers of hope here and there but he is not truly invested in it. I am not sure what's happened to your self-esteem but this dude wipes his feet on you. 

It's time to work on you, so you can finally let go. A healthy does of self-love and self-respect will have you wondering why you have clung on to this toxicity for so long. It's not going to turn into the happy and stable relationship you want. There is a man out there somewhere who will be just as enthusiastic about building a life with you as you are with him. This man isn't him. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Yes, it is sad to read!

And clearly, mental health issues and all, the OP has her mind and heart in the right places.

Her sentiment is appropriate and off-the-charts good.

 

First recognize that the effects of the new Covid world are really aggravating all that is in front of (the OP) now.

 

Then...  I'd add...  IF the OP were sitting here in front of me at this moment...   I'd get a pen and paper, and inspire her to LIST at least 2 dozen things good or bad about the boyfriend...  and about how he's been treating her.

 

I'd want to get a sincere list not affected by my own bias   (lol - so maybe she'd be better doing this there in her own home ?)

 

My suspicions/expectations run near to the area where he hasn't been very good or fair to her  while at the same time he has some issues of his own that are weighing both down.

 

SO I expect the list would heavily favor the "negatives" about him.

 

Sooooooooooooooooooooo...   with list then in hand...  it would be time to separate two factors:

 

*** HIM ***

and/from

 

***her emotional investment IN HIM

 

The first would be pretty well summarized by the list we just created.

The second category, based only on that first post in this thread...  seeeeeeeeeeems like a bunch of mostly WONDERFUL, NORMAL, and sensible things... which should be revered BY the OP... and recognized by her as having been all she could give/offer.

 

IF she has successfully separated the two unique entities, then I think a clearer mind would help her to let him go once and for all.

(recognizing all the while that she still retains a whole lot of herself to GIVE completely to a future relationship)

 

It's a bit like the stock market...  you meet some new prospect... and you buy in at $100 a share ...   

not long after, the stock goes down to $85...  then to $80...  then to $65...   and your sentiment is :    "the only way I can get even on this stock is to HOLD ONTO IT"

... but the reality is...   you still have 65 solid dollars which has potential better utilized elsewhere.

 

And while I'm not a professional, I would guess with optimism at the prospects for somebody who has been experiencing mental health issues, who finally let-go of a taxing relationship, as she then moved forward toward the rest of life.

 

Again, separate **him-him**   from  ***Your emotional investment IN him*** 

 

LOVE one side of that, and be realistic about the other.

 

 

 

 

Edited April 15, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy

[TeddyBundy1993]

Situation is not much complicated as you see. I give you my word block him for good. Break up are common and getting back again too is very common but he went on to date other girls right after ending things with you is clear indicator he has taken you for granted and know you'll be there support his ass when he will be lonely. 

I understand you see future with this guy and it's very painful with your mental illness, but my dear if was genuinely in love with you he wont give other girls a chance. He is bored of you, of this relationship.  The other worst part is he knows you cannot live without him and fall for his game. Someday he will date a girl and you will have to see it. This relationship is not going anywhere I strongly recommend no contact to save yourself simply give him a goodbye message block him. He is being disrespectful to you, communicating according to his needs typical teenage f***boy behavior. Get yourself back, take over the steering wheel and control where you gonna go from here I understand your fear of seeing him with someone but you'll be with someone better someday too. Please save yourself, he is not your future he will damage you more emotionally if you continue contact with. 

Love after all is like a  chemical addiction.  You'll learn to live without him. Starting is worst for us all, later we know it was for best and then surprisingly someone better comes along. Have faith be positive take care of yourself