Completely heartbroken and devastated

[rayj83]

I could write for hours, so I'll try keep this as concise as possible. I met someone in summer of 2018. We went out for 4-5 weeks, she seemed really into me and would say things to confirm it (I really like you, very attracted to you, etc...). The feeling was palpable too. She had gotten out of a recent intense relationship, and has a history of being with guys and then pulling the plug pretty quickly from what she told me at the time. She told me she has been with "loud" guys ( I am the furtherst thing from "loud" lol), emotionally abusive guys and some others. Her friends and family have guided her in choosing partners and she was seeing a therapist with a checklist of what qualities she wanted. She told me I had so many of the qualities she was looking for. She was very closed off during our initial time together - felt very emotionally unavailable. She's been told she is not great at communicating her emotions. She's 30. After 4-5 weeks, she out of nowhere ceased her interest in me and gave me the "I'm not looking for a relationship" line. I was scrambling to figure out what the hell happened, how to fix it, etc... My efforts to fix things went nowhere, and I was trying to understand how she shifted so suddenly. She said these efforts (including texts and calls trying to understand) scared her away. Her best friend (referenced below) was convining her to stay away from me as if I exhibited some crazy behaviour, but most of the people in her life pushed her to give it another chance because my messages were sincere. Anyways, after ending things, she obviously was looking for a relationship because she met someone soon after and they were together for 5-6 weeks. But she pulled the plug (not exactly sure why). At that time, after giving up, she reached out to me in November of 2018 and wanted to date again. I was of course hesitant, but felt such a chemistry with her that I went for it. We ended up having a really good relationship from December up until July 2019 when she ended things.

I felt we were very compatible and had a ton of chemistry and she told me she was very happy with me. But towards June/July, I was dealing with a lot emotionally: my mom got cancer, I was facing a lot of debt as a result of bad investments/habits I had in my past and some other things. I started drinking a bit too much. I'm an introspective, sensitive guy. There were times in June (maybe 3-4 days) I was really down and couldn't go to work. But bounced back. But she wasn't the same after seeing me in that state. I wasn't doing anything crazy (eg: suicide threats, lashing out at her in any way) - I was just really down. I've dealt with depression since I was a teenager and have it well under control. 95% of the time during our relationship I was rock solid. In July, we were away for 3 days to attend a wedding and I was just completely overwhelmed emotionally with what was going on, and started to feel a tremendous amount of guilt for causing pain to my mom (that's another story but I wasn't always so nice to her at times when I was younger). When we were at the wedding, I was so down I had to leave early and was crying. She was there for me. And did everything she could to support me.

When we got back, I continued to suffer from this for a week or so, but got back on my feet. Then she ended things. She got scared by the erratic behaviour. I totally understood it. And since she left, I did everything and anything I could to get her back: I have seen therapists for years but made a concerted effort to specifically address the issues I was facing and getting tools to manage emotions better. I offered to see a therapist with her, offered for her to come see my therapist. She asked for that, but eventually wouldn't do it. 

She kept saying her head and her heart were fighting as she had such strong feelings for me but her head and gut was saying something wasn't right. We talked about the drinking and it was a non-issue after we did because I stopped drinking excessively. The main issue was she couldn't get past how distraught and sad she saw me. She said everytime she saw my face she was triggered to her memories of seeing me so down. 

I was persistent in winning her back and we saw each other in November/December, and she was moving back towards me, but after talking to her friends and family (there was one friend in particular who was cold as ice to me (first time we met, didn't say hi, wouldn't look at me) that's just her nature and I have no idea why), she started to change and become more distant. She wasn't really into it anymore, I could tell. In mid January she ended it again saying some pretty final things: I don't see a future with you, I don't think we're meant to be, breaking up is the right thing, etc...

So it's been officially quite a while since the real breakup from last summer, but more recent since the time she really ended things in January. She started saying things that I totally didn't agree with - that we were incompatible. She thought back on the fights we had (which were pretty minor). Focused on small things like I would buy Starbucks drinks with gift cards my dad received from business he gave to me and didn't think I was taking my debt seriously. One time we were walking together in January and starting to click again and she saw this ice cold friend, and the friend said (while I was grabbing a coffee), "so what are you guys?". The doubt that was planted in my ex's mind completely changed her demeanour when I got out of the coffee place and saw her. It's clear she is heavily influenced by others. I know she came to this decision on her own, but can't help but think people weren't really rooting for me. 

I am posting here because despite all my efforts to move forward, accept the breakup and try be good to myself, I am absolutely crushed and suffering immensely. I cry every day. I beat myself up so badly for the moment of weakness I showed her. I think if only I had just not showed that vulnerable side of me, and planted this idea in her head that I would be an emotionally unstable partner, we'd be together. She saw being with me a "gamble". I reached out to wish her a happy birthday and again a week ago to try talk to her after a couple months of no contact and she said she doesn't feel comfortable being in touch anymore but still cares a lot about me.

I've talked about this with so many people, and read so much online. And I know the only thing to do is to accept it, learn from mistakes I may have made and try to become more emotionally stable (even though honestly 90-95% of the time I was totally fine) and forget about her. But I just can't. And I can't stop crying and feeling like I lost an amazing opportunity. I just turned 33 and everyone in my circle my age is settled down with kids and married and I feel so behind. I made some really bad decisions when I was younger in terms of addictions and I was very depressed, but got it under control by the time I was in my late twenties. It's so hard to find someone you connect with physically, emotionally, etc... and that is in your same ethnicity/religion (which is important to me). 

I just continue to not be able to move forward and focus on taking care of myself. I feel like unless and until I get her back, I can't move forward. And I'm not an idiot to think I should wait and hope or her to come back. I just think her assessment of our relationship was totally wrong. We weren't incompatible at all and I wasn't too sensitive or not "positive" enough. She just saw me in a fragile state and got scared and I did everything to work on that an assure her I'd get a better handle on it. And by the way, when I say I was emotionally unstable, I was simply just really sad and crying and upset with certain things in my life. I didn't do anything crazy to indicate to her that I was a serious mental health issue. But I am very sensitive, am an empath and so feel things. So like when her BEST friend was cold to me, and told her the first time we dated to leave me (I have no idea why), it bothered me. If my best friend was so cold to my ex, I'd be mad at my friend! Wouldn't it bother you?

And the self flagellation is just killing me. And I just can't stop thinking about her and wanting her and I can't have her. And she's on dating sites looking for others and I'm sure she's moved on. She's very pretty and lovely and kind and I know she will find someone and wants to settle down, and it won't be with me. And it is destroying me. I feel like I had a winning lottery ticket after years of suffering through my own s*** and BOOM I feel responsible for blowing it but also just can't accept her decision. As much as I try to. I know the standard advice - time heals all wounds, time to move on. But it just doesn't help me. I want her and only her. And I can't have her. 

I thought I'd post here to get some support and love. I want her back so badly. And there's nothing I can do, is there? Will she ever change her mind?

Edited April 14, 2020 by rayj83

[rayj83]

Oh and she said relationships shouldn't be so turbulent that early on. I recognize my two "breakdowns" caused her to feel it was turbulent. But she refused to want to work with me on it by seeing my therapist or seeing a couple's therapist. She's convinced relationships in their first year at least should be more free and easy and not have any issues. Which is another reason I beat myself up because if I just had more control of myself at the time and wasn't trigerred by the things going on in my life, I'd still have her. Maybe she never felt as strongly about me as I did about her. Because some people say she would have stayed by my side (assuming I was addressing the issues). 

[peaceminusone]

After reading all of this twice, I have to say , "You're not just past her, you're obsessing over the idea that is 'her'. " 
You need to analyze yourself and not what you lost or what you had. Like, you've already stated, you know all the right things that you ought to do, to get over or feel better. But you're not doing that, why? I think it would be a great idea, to focus all that energy on yourself and getting better. 
Just because you're 33, doesn't mean that you need to jump start a 'settled life' cause people of that age around you are 'settled'. Everybody is different and everybody has their own pace of doing things. 

Keep busy with something, find a new purpose in life other than patching up things with your ex. 
I wont say anything about what you had or how she handled things. I just want you, the topic author, to know that its okay to be emotional , to cry, to let others see it and to move on.  

If you can settle yourself into a cozy space, then I'm sure one day you will meet the right companion to fill the nest with

 For now, you have to take care of yourself and all for the better. 

[rayj83]

10 minutes ago, peaceminusone said:

After reading all of this twice, I have to say , "You're not just past her, you're obsessing over the idea that is 'her'. " 
You need to analyze yourself and not what you lost or what you had. Like, you've already stated, you know all the right things that you ought to do, to get over or feel better. But you're not doing that, why? I think it would be a great idea, to focus all that energy on yourself and getting better. 
Just because you're 33, doesn't mean that you need to jump start a 'settled life' cause people of that age around you are 'settled'. Everybody is different and everybody has their own pace of doing things. 

Keep busy with something, find a new purpose in life other than patching up things with your ex. 
I wont say anything about what you had or how she handled things. I just want you, the topic author, to know that its okay to be emotional , to cry, to let others see it and to move on.  

If you can settle yourself into a cozy space, then I'm sure one day you will meet the right companion to fill the nest with

 For now, you have to take care of yourself and all for the better. 

This means a lot to me, thank you. Why am I not doing the right things and moving on? I guess I feel so guilty about ruining this. I understand maybe the right partner would have been by my side, but if i Hadn't have made some of the mistakes in my past that lead to me being emotionally volatile in those moments, I'd very likely still have her. And it's hard right now to see how I'm going to meet someone that I feel such a spark/connection with, in spite of her not wanting to be with me. I've been dating for a long time and that is VERY hard to come by.

[peaceminusone]

1 minute ago, rayj83 said:

This means a lot to me, thank you. Why am I not doing the right things and moving on? I guess I feel so guilty about ruining this. I understand maybe the right partner would have been by my side, but if i Hadn't have made some of the mistakes in my past that lead to me being emotionally volatile in those moments, I'd very likely still have her. And it's hard right now to see how I'm going to meet someone that I feel such a spark/connection with, in spite of her not wanting to be with me. I've been dating for a long time and that is VERY hard to come by.

You're welcome. 

Its possible that you need a lot more time to heal, which is fine. 
Well, those mistakes or that volatile sentimentality is in the past. 

What you hold in present is what will decide your future, right? 
 

Yea, its not easy to come around with someone that you can connect with on a deeper level. But I also feel that you held onto her more strongly in her presence and now more so in memory. So next time you date, be sure to discuss future with her and be careful if she talks too much of past. 

 

[Ellener]

Sorry you've had a tough time of it, sending you support and love (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, rayj83 said:

 

 if i Hadn't have made some of the mistakes in my past that lead to me being emotionally volatile in those moments, I'd very likely still have her. 

Eh, not for long, though. 

I say that because this was evidently someone who wasn't willing/able to rough life's ups and downs with you. When life handed you lemons, and you had a fairly human response to the added stress, she bolted. Your relationship was not as solid as you thought. It very much sounds like was looking for a way out, and she found it. If it hadn't happened when it did, it almost definitely would have happened in the not-too-distant future. 

In the aftermath of the break-up, you're idealizing the connection, but OP, how deep was it, really? I get the impression that you felt this spark and bond a lot more profoundly than she did. There were warning signs from the very beginning that she wasn't exactly a viable candidate for something long-term with you. Consequently, there are going to be far better options out there for you, because there will be a woman who reciprocates your love and interest at the same level, consistently. None of this on-and-off nonsense. 

 

 

[Difficultstuff]

I agree with the other posters. You invested very heavily in her, perhaps idealizing how the relationship was, even during it. You went through some very tough times personally, and she wasn't ultimately able to see beyond those or the 'emotional volatility'. So I agree that you and her didn't really have a foundation for a settled future and that you really weren't as compatible as you think.

I relate very strongly and know very well your sense of guilt, the 'self-flagellation' and incessant speculation/rumination. I understand the sense of devastation. What works sometimes is accepting all that stuff, but letting it run in the background, as it were, getting a perspective on it and thus distancing yourself. Cry when you need to, though.

Time will eventually help, too, but allow yourself to heal at your own pace - given your sensitivity and depth of your feelings that could mean quite a lot of time yet. Try not to force or strain the process: I pick up a lot of instances in what you write where you seem to have made Herculean efforts to 'fix' things with her without success, or with results opposite from what you wanted.

Please also continue to respect her wishes to not be in touch; it will likely just hurt you further. She is gone now. It wasn't your fault entirely or her fault entirely, just an opportunity for you to learn and change and adjust how you handle things in the future a little.

[rayj83]

Thanks all. I just hate when people say we weren’t compatible and just don’t want to accept that it’s over even if I have to. She was crazy about me (at one point) and we had so much going for us. I don’t believe for a second this was an issue of compatibility between us in terms of how we clicked and jived as a couple. We also had the same values and wanted the same things and had very strong feelings for each other. If it hadn’t been for my moments of weakness, which may have scared any one off, I truly believe this could have lasted. And I know she’s either with someone now or looking and wants nothing to do with me and I get that is totally for her to do. But I just want her so badly. It’s so hard having been dating so many years to find someone like that. Beautiful, physical and emotional chemistry, honest, fun, etc. 
 

And she left for what? Because she couldn’t get over mentally how weak/fragile she saw me? Couldn’t see past that? Of course I’m going to sit here and beat myself up about it. And it hurts just more than you all know. And time isn’t helping. And I just want her so badly. 

She froze me in my moments of weakness - and I get why that would scare people. But for someone to basically just see that and conclude a future of emotional instability/unhappiness with you. I mean. It just hurts. And I can't keep thinking if that hadn't of happened, I wouldn't be in this position. Because the truth is while that happened, and happened here and there in total for a couple of weeks where I was so miserable/depressed/hopeless about things I couldn't go to work or get out of bed or would cry or ruined that wedding trip, 95% of the time I was who I was which is sensitive but fun and funny and kind and caring and all the great parts about me. I essentially feel she sized me up as an unsuitable partner only AFTER she saw this "side" of me. And this "side" of me, to her, was one that was too crazy/risky to invest in. So of course I'm left sitting here thinking "damn, there is a real defect/issue with you! of course she left you". I know it's not all that simple, but certainly you can understand where the incredible anger and resentment comes from. I'm also 33 - not saying I'm too old, but want things at this stage of my life I couldn't have when I was younger because I was dealing with addictions/major depression - things that are behind me now, but left me not being ready to be with something seriously until I was 30. And here was, in a way, my winning lottery ticket out of all that regret. We clicked on SO many levels. And it all was ruined when this happened. When she was into me, she was REALLY into me. And I felt it. And she told people. She was crazy about me. 

Edited April 15, 2020 by rayj83

[d0nnivain]

Everybody makes mistakes in a relationship.  I screw up all the time, apologize & move on. 

You had a bad period.  Instead of helping you & supporting you, she bailed.  She showed you that you can't be yourself around her & that she's not reliable.  Given that where do you see a meaningful foundation to build something with her?  You don't.  It's not there. 

Unfortunately given the pandemic you have a lot of time on your hands to wallow.  The isolation is making you romanticize the good parts of your relationship & gloss over all the problems.  

[rayj83]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

Everybody makes mistakes in a relationship.  I screw up all the time, apologize & move on. 

You had a bad period.  Instead of helping you & supporting you, she bailed.  She showed you that you can't be yourself around her & that she's not reliable.  Given that where do you see a meaningful foundation to build something with her?  You don't.  It's not there. 

Unfortunately given the pandemic you have a lot of time on your hands to wallow.  The isolation is making you romanticize the good parts of your relationship & gloss over all the problems.  

I know. And thanks for the reply. I just felt especially as a guy there’s an expectation I have my s*** together emotionally (which I did for the majority of the time) and need to be stable. And maybe if this happened two years in shed be more forgiving or understanding. Again, the beating myself up but beating my self up for what feel like valid reasons. Why would a woman want to be with a guy like that?

[stillafool]

If she were as crazy about you as you are her she would still be with you.  Your mom got cancer and it brought forth a lot of emotions that were unpleasant but had to be dealt with.  I'm a very cheerful, outgoing person but when my mom got cancer I completely fell apart.  Did my bf (now my husband) leave me when he saw that I had completely changed for 9 months straight until she died?  No, he was with me every moment.  BTW we had only been dating 3 months prior to her diagnosis.  When his mother fell ill years later coupled with his step dad dying from a car accident he fell into depression; but I was there for him through it all.  If a person truly loves you they will be there through the hard times and everyone is going to have them.  She is too unstable in her emotions to be there for anyone for the long haul from what you've described.  Also I don't put much interest in people who rely on their friends to tell them if a relationship is good for them or not.  I never did because when I like someone it doesn't matter what my Mom, Dad, brothers or dogs thought I do what I want and feel.  None of this was your fault.  You have placed her on a pedestal that she doesn't deserve.  There's a better woman out there for you.

[d0nnivain]

5 weeks after I met the guy who is now my husband my immediate EX died!  I was a wreck because even though I only dated the guy as an adult in my late 30s, I'd known him & his whole family since HS.  When my now husband found me sobbing because I'd been so upset upon learning the news that I forgot to cancel my date with the hot new guy I just started dating, DH picked me up off the floor, hugged me, told me of course I should be upset that somebody I once loved died & offered his big broad shoulders for me to cry all over. I fell in love with him in that instant.  

That is the foundation for a good relationship.  You were upset about your mother's cancer.  Any woman who doesn't understand that the serious illness of a loved one will take an emotional toll on you is not worth your time.   Granted the drinking wasn't the best way to handle everything but that was a small blip in your life & not the usual way you deal with problems.  

Try to stop beating yourself up.  You are a human & you are allowed to worry about those you love.  How is your mom now?  

[Difficultstuff]

Let me try to reframe what you've written a little, and maybe use some different expressions that I think are kinder than some of the ones you use about yourself:

Yes, you connected in a beautiful and rare way. That means you've got that capacity to connect and be happy with someone, and that's a real positive.

But at the moments when you were most vulnerable, she didn't have the capacity to see that those moments were temporary, and she made a choice to back out. 

That's what happened, it's just where you're at. You'll likely be vulnerable again in the future at different times, and hopefully you'll be able now to handle that differently. And there is, or can be, and great difference between vulnerability and fragility. You didn't break, you're still here, and you clearly want to change your current circumstances.

But the past is over, and all you've got now is the present and future. Why are you 'of course' going to 'beat yourself up'? What's necessary about doing that? How do you benefit from it?

I mean, if it's on her that she couldn't see beyond your vulnerability then that was her problem, not yours, except to the extent that you'll hopefully know now to handle yourself a bit better when life throws you curveballs again. You haven't failed here, you've learned many valuable things.

Look, I really get where you're coming from. I really know what it's like to want someone as much as you want her. I get the impulse to punish yourself mercilessly. It is hell.

But all of this, all what you're going through is very natural, especially perhaps because you are so sensitive. So no easy solutions from me, just encouragement to keep going. You can get through this.

[rayj83]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

If she were as crazy about you as you are her she would still be with you.  Your mom got cancer and it brought forth a lot of emotions that were unpleasant but had to be dealt with.  I'm a very cheerful, outgoing person but when my mom got cancer I completely fell apart.  Did my bf (now my husband) leave me when he saw that I had completely changed for 9 months straight until she died?  No, he was with me every moment.  BTW we had only been dating 3 months prior to her diagnosis.  When his mother fell ill years later coupled with his step dad dying from a car accident he fell into depression; but I was there for him through it all.  If a person truly loves you they will be there through the hard times and everyone is going to have them.  She is too unstable in her emotions to be there for anyone for the long haul from what you've described.  Also I don't put much interest in people who rely on their friends to tell them if a relationship is good for them or not.  I never did because when I like someone it doesn't matter what my Mom, Dad, brothers or dogs thought I do what I want and feel.  None of this was your fault.  You have placed her on a pedestal that she doesn't deserve.  There's a better woman out there for you.

I'm sorry to hear about your mom

It wasn't just the cancer thing. I also have a lot of debt from bad choices/addictions I had in my past. I was dealing with it, but is also "scared" her. In some ways, she became a mirror of all the reasons I don't like myself! Because of course everyday I hate the fact I Made those choices and threw away money and am dealing with the reprcussions of its. It's like she took allll my negative qualitie or experiences and magnified them. That's how it feels. And that's how I feel about myself. 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, rayj83 said:

It's like she took allll my negative qualitie or experiences and magnified them. That's how it feels. And that's how I feel about myself.

Every dumper magnifies the negative qualities as an excuse to not feel guilty over breaking up with someone.  It's either that or the common "It isn't you, it's me" excuse.

[rayj83]

1 minute ago, Difficultstuff said:

Let me try to reframe what you've written a little, and maybe use some different expressions that I think are kinder than some of the ones you use about yourself:

Yes, you connected in a beautiful and rare way. That means you've got that capacity to connect and be happy with someone, and that's a real positive.

But at the moments when you were most vulnerable, she didn't have the capacity to see that those moments were temporary, and she made a choice to back out. 

That's what happened, it's just where you're at. You'll likely be vulnerable again in the future at different times, and hopefully you'll be able now to handle that differently. And there is, or can be, and great difference between vulnerability and fragility. You didn't break, you're still here, and you clearly want to change your current circumstances.

But the past is over, and all you've got now is the present and future. Why are you 'of course' going to 'beat yourself up'? What's necessary about doing that? How do you benefit from it?

I mean, if it's on her that she couldn't see beyond your vulnerability then that was her problem, not yours, except to the extent that you'll hopefully know now to handle yourself a bit better when life throws you curveballs again. You haven't failed here, you've learned many valuable things.

Look, I really get where you're coming from. I really know what it's like to want someone as much as you want her. I get the impulse to punish yourself mercilessly. It is hell.

But all of this, all what you're going through is very natural, especially perhaps because you are so sensitive. So no easy solutions from me, just encouragement to keep going. You can get through this.

Thank you. And I hear what you're saying. She would say things in the end like "I have all the facts" I need to evaluate the relationship and concluded to move on because she saw the moments of fragility and instability and concluded that's how a future with me would be. And no matter what I did to address it, because there were things I could have done better and I have gotten skills from therapists to do that, that's all she saw. She's very much in a mode of figuring out what she wants in a partner and so I'm sure when she went to her friends and family with this they told her to get out. I heard through the grapevine that her dad said something like "he's too sensitive" or "there shouldn't be problems like that that early on in a relationship in the first year". That just angered me. Because I understand and sympathize for her and how this impacted her but know there's something very special between us. But this one thing just ruined it. 

[rayj83]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Every dumper magnifies the negative qualities as an excuse to not feel guilty over breaking up with someone.  It's either that or the common "It isn't you, it's me" excuse.

But it wasn't an excuse, was it? It was the reason she left. Unless you think she left for a different reason unrelated?

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, rayj83 said:

I heard through the grapevine that her dad said something like "he's too sensitive" or "there shouldn't be problems like that that early on in a relationship in the first year". That just angered me.

Don't be angry with her Dad as he is of course looking out for her best interest.  She is the one who knows you and what her Dad said shouldn't have made a difference.  Why does she go around asking everyone what she should do without knowing what she wants.  She is the unstable one and you need to realize this and stop blaming yourself.

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, rayj83 said:

But it wasn't an excuse, was it? It was the reason she left. Unless you think she left for a different reason unrelated?

From her history, it's really no telling.  Do you really want to be with someone who will leave you at the first sign of trouble?  As you grow you will find that there will be many more times that you will feel down, have to deal with problems and need support.  She isn't going to give it to anyone.

[rayj83]

 

9 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Don't be angry with her Dad as he is of course looking out for her best interest.  She is the one who knows you and what her Dad said shouldn't have made a difference.  Why does she go around asking everyone what she should do without knowing what she wants.  She is the unstable one and you need to realize this and stop blaming yourself.

Because she isn't sure about what she wants in a partner and gets conflicted. I mean she told me that. She was seeing a therapist to figure out what she wanted in a partner. And having a history of being with people and not knowing what she wants, I understand why. But she also said I had SO MANY of the qualities she wanted. Just not all of them it seems. And the convinced herself out of it. I'm sure her friend (who hated me I don't know) didn't help. In the end she was the one who talked her out of "trying things" with me again this past winter. 

[rayj83]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

From her history, it's really no telling.  Do you really want to be with someone who will leave you at the first sign of trouble?  As you grow you will find that there will be many more times that you will feel down, have to deal with problems and need support.  She isn't going to give it to anyone.

Yes I know. But she saw it as a period of trouble rather than one instance - it happened once in May/June for a week or so (when I felt the brunt of the cancer diagnosis), then again in July for a week or two (when my past issues around addiction/depression came up, probably again trigerred by the hurt it caused to my mom). I couldn't get out of bed some days, and was feeling hopeless and full of guilt and didn't go to work. But I got back on the horse everytime. was resilient. And was working on fixing that part of me that did break down. I mean that was honestly the entirety of it. But it changed everything for her. 

[Difficultstuff]

3 minutes ago, rayj83 said:

 I heard through the grapevine that her dad said something like "he's too sensitive" or "there shouldn't be problems like that that early on in a relationship in the first year". That just angered me. Because I understand and sympathize for her and how this impacted her but know there's something very special between us. But this one thing just ruined it. 

This is an easy option: To keep fixating on the 'one thing' - this terrible, awful, horrific mistake you made of, what, being 'too sensitive'?! And so you're going round and round and knocking yourself down again and again. But I'm glad you were, at least initially, angry - it shows you've got some self-respect and capacity to defend yourself. 

Being 'sensitive' is not the issue. It can be a very wonderful thing to be able to feel and express deep emotions. How you handle your feelings, how you manage them can be an issue, though. In this case you maybe asked too much of someone who simply wasn't equipped to respond healthily. In future maybe you'll channel your sensitivity and vulnerability in a different way, and with someone who is better able to respond to who you are.

[rayj83]

2 minutes ago, Difficultstuff said:

This is an easy option: To keep fixating on the 'one thing' - this terrible, awful, horrific mistake you made of, what, being 'too sensitive'?! And so you're going round and round and knocking yourself down again and again. But I'm glad you were, at least initially, angry - it shows you've got some self-respect and capacity to defend yourself. 

Being 'sensitive' is not the issue. It can be a very wonderful thing to be able to feel and express deep emotions. How you handle your feelings, how you manage them can be an issue, though. In this case you maybe asked too much of someone who simply wasn't equipped to respond healthily. In future maybe you'll channel your sensitivity and vulnerability in a different way, and with someone who is better able to respond to who you are.

Actually she thought I WAS too sensitive. That was a negative for her. One of the reasons she didn't think it would work. 

I realized I needed to work on expressing it better and not crumbling. But maybe that's just how it will be. These were very intense things coming up. But I feel if I managed it better with her, she wouldn't have left. So that's where, again, I beat myselfup. 

Edited April 15, 2020 by rayj83

[Difficultstuff]

Just now, rayj83 said:

Actually she thought I WAS too sensitive. That was a negative for her. One of the reasons she didn't think it would work. 

Yes, that was exactly my point - an issue for her, but please don't let it become an issue for you, something you have to change, especially as it seems to be part of your nature.

I was trying to suggest that you accept and value your capacity to care and feel things deeply without attacking yourself for it. Sorry if I expressed that inelegantly.