Completely heartbroken and devastated

[Interstellar]

She  has more red flags than the Peoples Republic of China. She told you her history of dumping guys and you should’ve listened and not given her your heart, and continued dating other women. When she went back to you it was a HUGE mistake to take her back. You gave her a knife to plunge it back to you again  plus she loses respect for you. You should’ve blocked and deleted her number. If I gave you a million dollars to erase her forever you’d do it right? See, you have the will.  Time heals all wounds. You will forget about her and be glad that you did. Take care of yourself and be strong.

Edited April 15, 2020 by Interstellar

[assertives]

I can kinda see why she would think you being too sensitive is not good for her and hence why she feels you guys are not compatible. You have mentioned how she's always had the issue of bailing in relationships and being emotionally unavailable overall. If she's someone who have issues facing/expressing her emotions, having a partner who is sensitive could be overwhelming and maybe even draining.

I don't really think you being down or depressed at a low point in life was you handling things badly. I think that's normal and it happens to the best of us. But for her, it's probably too much emotions than she can handle if she's emotionally closed. In that respect, she's right that you guys are not compatible. You may think but she was seemingly head over heels in love with you in the beginning, but that's how alot of relationships are in the beginning when it's the honeymoon period. Once the excitement of a new relationship is over, and the harder, more serious matters of reality and life settles in, she bails again. That tells me her bond with you (at least from her end) was a superficial one, and not one that could withstand the test of time and the trials of life. 

Frankly, to me, this sounds like a her problem, not a you problem.

[rayj83]

I get what you’re all saying. At the end of the day, I’m the one who is the depressed one who has mental health issues and sees a therapist and is on some medication and in spite of managing them very well, turned someone off because of it and scared them. I know my life can’t be centered around having a partner and I need to be happy on my own. I just want that so badly and know how hard it is to find and found someone. I know relationships aren’t lottery tickets but it’s something I desperately want and something I know how hard is to find. The older I get and the more behind I am the more hopeless it all seems and the more depressed I get. I’m just so sick of it all. And I gotta go through the song and dance of finding someone I’m attracted to, then all the stages of finding out if we’re compatible, etc. Seems very daunting. And I have to at the same time keep my mental health challenges at bay which I am almost always able to do. But sometimes things flare up. She had a lot of what I wanted. But maybe a different kind of woman would by more understating. At 33 I just feel really behind others and am really devastated by how this all unfolded. It crushes me to not have the pillars in my life intact at this point - career, love, friends, family. I thought I had one of those figured out at least (love). I love you all.

Edited April 15, 2020 by rayj83

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, rayj83 said:

 Because I understand and sympathize for her and how this impacted her but know there's something very special between us. But this one thing just ruined it. 

I think you are so deep in denial, you can't see the forest for the trees. 

This wasn't the one thing that ruined it. There were a lot of problems with her too, and she's got you thinking that it's all your fault. It's not. This woman wasn't going to stick around long-term. She was going to bounce sooner or later; she just happened to choose this particular issue to blame it on. Even if you hadn't had a couple "off" weeks, she would've found another way to make her exit. 

Re-read your own first post. There was trouble ahead from the beginning even if you didn't want to (and still aren't ready to) see it. 

[rayj83]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think you are so deep in denial, you can't see the forest for the trees. 

This wasn't the one thing that ruined it. There were a lot of problems with her too, and she's got you thinking that it's all your fault. It's not. This woman wasn't going to stick around long-term. She was going to bounce sooner or later; she just happened to choose this particular issue to blame it on. Even if you hadn't had a couple "off" weeks, she would've found another way to make her exit. 

Re-read your own first post. There was trouble ahead from the beginning even if you didn't want to (and still aren't ready to) see it. 

But why would she bounce if she feels the pressure to find someone and settle down? Or do you think that’s going to be hard for her? The first time around was slightly different in that she had just come out of a relationship so the emotional unavailability made some sense. But still she had a lot of trouble communicating her emotions throughout. And she knows this about herself too. 

Edited April 15, 2020 by rayj83

[Difficultstuff]

5 minutes ago, rayj83 said:

But why would she bounce if she feels the pressure to find someone and settle down? Or do you think that’s going to be hard for her? The first time around was slightly different in that she had just come out of a relationship so the emotional unavailability made some sense. But still she had a lot of trouble communicating her emotions throughout. And she knows this about herself too. 

In answer to your first question: it really doesn't matter any more. In answer to your second question: it also really doesn't matter any more. It doesn't really matter either what happened 'the first time round.' It also doesn't matter very much now whether she had difficulty communicating her emotions or whether she knows that or not. What are you expecting, some kind of sudden realisation on her part, so that she calls you, tells you how wrong she was and begs your forgiveness? If she does that, fine - then you've got something to work with. But it seems unlikely, and it's entirely out of your hands right now. 

As @ExpatInItaly says, you're not seeing the wood for the trees. And you're kind of lurching from one tree to another and banging your head against them all as you go. It's painful to watch so I'm sure it's painful to be doing it.

As I've said, this is all very understandable. I know it sucks. I'm sorry. But please try and slow down, step back a little and at least take a break from hurting yourself like this. That'll mean you have to accept the real pain of losing her, rather than getting constantly lost in the incessant what-might-have-beens.

[ExpatInItaly]

57 minutes ago, rayj83 said:

But why would she bounce if she feels the pressure to find someone and settle down? Or do you think that’s going to be hard for her? 

Because she's not actually ready to settle down. Feeling the pressure and being ready for it are two entirely different ballgames. 

I think she'll eventually do it, someday. 

[rayj83]

One last question for the group of AMAZING, insightful posters.

Is there anything you think at this point I can say to her or do to try somehow show her the faults/cracks in how she is approaching things with me and maybe dating in general? I so badly want to take what a lot of you are saying and how I feel and somehow have her come to a moment of realization that "oh my god what did I do in giving up this guy!". Maybe that's just fairy tale thinking - but maybe it would give me some more sense of closure and a feeling that I did everything I could given me feelings and desire to make this work with her? I realize maybe that will just make things worse for me, especially since she doesn't want contact. I'm sure you can understand my frustration with her attitude/approach to all this and my desire to change the way she views/thinks about it so this can work. I also kind of feel angry at myself that I had to be in this mode in the end of showcasing myself and auditioning myself that "hey I can be the stable guy you want!". I think I want a sense of getting some power back and showing her that I'm approaching things differently and maybe that will make her see me in a different light. 

Edited April 16, 2020 by rayj83

[assertives]

There's nothing you can or should do. You can't will, beg, guilt, manipulate or love-bomb a person into a relationship with you. She doesn't want contact. If you reached out to her, the only thing it'll succeed in doing is making you look desperate and put you in that category of "the one who cannot take no for an answer."

Also, she's right in a sense that it shouldn't be this difficult this earlier to be in a relationship. Although her context was a little different, I think it applies too with you trying to do the pick me dance. It shouldn't be this difficult to be in a relationship with someone who reciprocates your feelings and wants the same things as you. You don't have to work hard to convince her why she should date you or want a relationship with you. This isn't a sales pitch. If someone needed that much convincing to even consider, it's never going to last. She just doesn't want what you wanted.

[Difficultstuff]

I agree with everything @assertives says above. Please do not get in touch with her in any way, shape or form. She said no, so you respect her and yourself by leaving her alone.

[rayj83]

I hear you all. And at this point I know I’m probably just so hurt and in pain I don’t want to accept the reality. I’m just angry at how it all unfolded - going back against my instinct, showing her love and being vulnerable and feeling like I was judged and outcast as someone who was too unstable. She literally said 75 percent of the reason she left was because of how distraught she saw me. Damn.  That hurts and makes anyone feel defective. She was so amazing in her own way in spite of the flaws. An amazing person in spite of the issues. We had something really really amazing in spite of her flightiness and uncertainty. She was remember crazy about me and I crazy about her - my feelings never faded and hers did  

The crisis in the world and isolation doesn’t help obviously. And I’ve got other stuff to deal with that is making me feel even more isolated. I’ve been dumped before but something about this one is just so hard to move on from. Feels impossible. I’m fighting it so hard. But I’m trying at least not to. I just know from experience how hard it is to find someone and even though I’m not an old man, the age thing and fact 95 percent of my social circle are married just makes it hurt that much more. So there’s this pressure to make it happen quickly. And I know from experience, especially this recent one, how all it takes is one incompatibility in spite of so many things clicking for it to turn sour. Makes one feel hopeless. And it’s so hard for me to focus on self love, work, etc when I’ve got this pressure and heartbreak. Everything is a trigger for me - I see someone with a wedding ring? Trigger to how I couldn’t hack it. See a pregnant woman or someone with an engagement ring? Pit in my stomach about how I lost an amazing opportunity. And then back to crying. I am in therapy so am working through this. But it’s just so damn hard. With this one especially. I still can’t go a day without the pain in my stomach or crying or wallowing. 

Edited April 16, 2020 by rayj83

[rayj83]

58 minutes ago, Difficultstuff said:

I agree with everything @assertives says above. Please do not get in touch with her in any way, shape or form. She said no, so you respect her and yourself by leaving her alone.

I know  surely you can understand the instinct. Something I can do or say would make her come running back. Like even pointing out that she has a pattern of doing this and to give it more time. Not to quit on us. I’m not trying to force her into anything. Or control her. I just keep thinking if I say something or do something she’ll have a change of heart. Not because of her being forced to but because she’s opened her eyes to realizing she made a big mistake. But I also know I can’t make her come to that realization. So it’s a helpless feeling. 

Edited April 16, 2020 by rayj83

[preraph]

The fact that she couldn't handle seeing you sad and it was a turnoff for her tells me she has big intimacy issues, as in she can't really let someone in and get emotionally close like that and that it's still mostly physical with her.  There's plenty of men like that, but you don't see too many women that way.  Most want to get real involved and close.  From everything you've said, she just has some personality maybe disorders and stuff she has to work on, and it's not anything meeting the right person will fix for her.  She has trouble attaching emotionally some way.  

 

I hope you can get past it because there is nothing to fix her, nothing.  Not even years of therapy always works.  She just bounces until it gets too real and then can't handle that.  It's above your pay grade.  Sorry you're hurting.  You deserve someone you can love who has the capacity to really love you back fully, and she just isn't that person.  Let her go and find someone who is, and I bet you can before too long because you sound like a nice person.

[rayj83]

1 minute ago, preraph said:

The fact that she couldn't handle seeing you sad and it was a turnoff for her tells me she has big intimacy issues, as in she can't really let someone in and get emotionally close like that and that it's still mostly physical with her.  There's plenty of men like that, but you don't see too many women that way.  Most want to get real involved and close.  From everything you've said, she just has some personality maybe disorders and stuff she has to work on, and it's not anything meeting the right person will fix for her.  She has trouble attaching emotionally some way.  

 

I hope you can get past it because there is nothing to fix her, nothing.  Not even years of therapy always works.  She just bounces until it gets too real and then can't handle that.  It's above your pay grade.  Sorry you're hurting.  You deserve someone you can love who has the capacity to really love you back fully, and she just isn't that person.  Let her go and find someone who is, and I bet you can before too long because you sound like a nice person.

Thank you for this. Interesting take. It's funny because she made me out to be the one with the mental health issues, personality disorders, etc... Difference is, I actively work on those things and am aware of it.

[preraph]

I think she is aware of what she does too, and her whole family, but maybe she doesn't realize it's actually a mental issue.  And anyway, people often project their own problems onto others.  Point is, like you said, you work on yours.  And that's all you can do.  You can't change how she is.  You can only change how you are and how you react to it or whether you deal with it or walk away.  

[Difficultstuff]

2 hours ago, rayj83 said:

I know  surely you can understand the instinct. Something I can do or say would make her come running back. Like even pointing out that she has a pattern of doing this and to give it more time. Not to quit on us. I’m not trying to force her into anything. Or control her. I just keep thinking if I say something or do something she’ll have a change of heart. Not because of her being forced to but because she’s opened her eyes to realizing she made a big mistake. But I also know I can’t make her come to that realization. So it’s a helpless feeling. 

Yep, I completely understand the instinct. I understand the sense of helplessness, too. I've felt and thought all these things myself, as have many, many people. It's a natural response when we feel we've screwed up and we're hurting, though the degree to which we feel it differs individually. As you said, maybe you're more sensitive than most - but that's something to learn to treasure, not beat yourself up for.

Life will move on, and you will gain a different perspective. The intensity of your feelings and thoughts isn't likely to endure forever. But like I said before, that may take some time, and a willingness to ease up on yourself and let yourself grieve, while not losing sight of the bigger picture. It's a time for you to be working on yourself and moving towards healthier outlooks and ways of being in the world - but at your own pace.

So, yes, I hear and understand your despair, but I also hear a strong desire to move on.  

[Interstellar]

Not too long ago, I was reading about this 95 year old guy asking a love doctor on which of the three women he’s dating he should take on a cruise. As long as you’re alive and breathing there’s hope. But you gotta learn from your mistakes so you won’t keep repeating them.

Edited April 17, 2020 by Interstellar

[peaceminusone]

On 4/16/2020 at 9:01 PM, rayj83 said:

Is there anything you think at this point I can say to her or do to try somehow show her the faults/cracks in how she is approaching things with me and maybe dating in general? 

At this point, your plate is too full with your own self to be thinking of anything that is remotely close to 'her'. There will be no reward in making any contact with her. You should thank her for bailing sooner, than later when you were in the relation any deeper. If the rejection is hurting you so much now, how bad would it hurt had you invested it to the point of marriage? Like some posters said, she's got possible issues with intimacy and relationships...I dont see why you should go back to proving something to her. Let her be buried in the past and focus on Yourself.

Or this you transitioning into your anger phase and want some ego boost by showing her what she missed?

 

On 4/16/2020 at 11:48 PM, rayj83 said:

Everything is a trigger for me - I see someone with a wedding ring? Trigger to how I couldn’t hack it. See a pregnant woman or someone with an engagement ring? Pit in my stomach about how I lost an amazing opportunity. And then back to crying. I am in therapy so am working through this. But it’s just so damn hard. With this one especially. I still can’t go a day without the pain in my stomach or crying or wallowing. 

In the state of denial and sorrow, everything is a trigger. Everything tastes bland and there's little energy in body. You need to revamp your schedule and set objectives other than 'how she messed things for you and you lost that opportunity in life'  

She was your past, You are your present and you will make your future.

What were the things that brought you most joy, before all of this? Maybe its time, you go back and revisit those hobbies or memories.

 

[rayj83]

10 hours ago, peaceminusone said:

At this point, your plate is too full with your own self to be thinking of anything that is remotely close to 'her'. There will be no reward in making any contact with her. You should thank her for bailing sooner, than later when you were in the relation any deeper. If the rejection is hurting you so much now, how bad would it hurt had you invested it to the point of marriage? Like some posters said, she's got possible issues with intimacy and relationships...I dont see why you should go back to proving something to her. Let her be buried in the past and focus on Yourself.

Or this you transitioning into your anger phase and want some ego boost by showing her what she missed?

 

In the state of denial and sorrow, everything is a trigger. Everything tastes bland and there's little energy in body. You need to revamp your schedule and set objectives other than 'how she messed things for you and you lost that opportunity in life'  

She was your past, You are your present and you will make your future.

What were the things that brought you most joy, before all of this? Maybe its time, you go back and revisit those hobbies or memories.

 

Thanks. I think it’s just still hard for me to accept no matter how much I need to. I’m getting there. But it is so slow. I think given my age and hope I finally had it, and it slipped away, and with my own issues getting in the way, this one is stinging more intensely and longer than any breakup I’ve had before and I’ve had 4-5 that were from significant relationships. I wish she saw things differently and wanted to work through it with me. I also honestly think her best friend seriously screwed things up for us. From day 1. I don’t have a ton to bring me joy right now. I’m very isolated. And the pandemic has made it worse since it’s not like I can go out meet new people, date etc.  
 

I feel like she paired up before the pandemic and is dating someone. Makes me sick. And angry she got so lucky. That’s what I gathered from my social media stalking which I no longer do. 

Edited April 18, 2020 by rayj83

[preraph]

It's not the best friend's fault.  Guys love to think she's impressionable like that the same way a parent with a wild teenager who is getting in trouble likes to blame it on their friends.  She is an adult and she has her own brain and makes her own decisions.  No one just does what their best friend says.  I'm sorry you're still hurting.  But you've got to accept reality.  And no, you can't talk her into thinking she made the wrong decision.  She is just going by her feelings, and she lost her feelings.  She isn't very good at this anyway, as you already knew and she warned you.  But no, she's not anything you can fix.  

[Mystery4u]

48 minutes ago, rayj83 said:

 And angry she got so lucky. 

This is one part of your problem. Nobody is going to give you someone of the opposite sex who you are perfectly matched with. You have to present the best version of yourself, and when the time is right, it will happen. You need to make the effort, it's not about being 'lucky'.

You keep mentioning your age, well I'm 33 and just over one month ago I met the love of my life who I am 100% sure I will marry and build an empire with. This is after 3/4 long term relationships where I got my heart broken, I broke someone's heart, and other things. I don't regret any of it, as those past experiences and lessons have shaped me to become the person I am now. The best possible version of myself so I can be everything I ever wanted to be to my future wife.

We have all been in your situation. What you need to do is accept the reality, learn from your mistakes (you made some and so did your ex but you need to focus on yourself), and use this experience to become a better person so you are ready for the day when you meet someone who appreciates you for you.

[scooby-philly]

OP,

 

I'm sorry for your pain and suffering. You've gotten a ton of great responses. I don't want to try and duplicate them so I will try to focus on a few things others haven't mentioned or discussed at length with you.

 

• In terms of her behavior - look up "attachment styles" in relationships. It's clear she has an avoidant attachment style. From what you shared, even early on in the relationship she had one foot out the door ready to run. Abruptly ending things after 5-6 weeks and then coming back after immediately seeing someone else for 5-6 weeks was a major red flag that you missed and should have stopped you from taking her back. Healthy people do not bounce from one relationship to another. And it's usually anxious attachment styles that bounce from one relationship to the next because of their need, but regardless, she has no capacity for real intimacy. And you can't beat yourself up for not noticing or knowing what to do about that. It's a lesson to be learned that you can take with you moving forward.
• Regarding her therapy and your own - I'm not a therapist but I work in an industry that gives me a unique view on life, careers, and a bit of psychology. The problem with "therapy" often is that the therapist is "trained" a certain way and also carries their own life, prejudices, thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. If after a few months you (or here) weren't making headway with a solid therapist they would recommend you go see someone else because they cannot help you. So keep that in mind. Therapy can be a wonderful thing - but if they don't specialize or have a lot of experience with someone like you or they stick to only what they read in textbooks in school you're doomed - therapy should help you get to the core issue(s) that drive your choices and behaviors and give you concrete steps and anchors to change that behavior, to change your thinking.
• Again, I'm not a therapist but so much about what you shared resonated with me about my own life and relationships. I had an ex-fiancee years ago who was just like yours regarding her opinion. She couldn't make up her own mind and was so afraid of failure, so angry and bitter that she couldn't give thanks, she couldn't make and keep her own mind made up, and looking back in time I'm glad things didn't work out because I would have been a miserable f*** right about now or we'd be divorced. Remember - lots of people settle in life and love. Lots of couples - even ones married for 20,30,40, 50 years aren't really "great couples" - they're simply comfortable and they've somehow either managed to navigate the rockiness of life without leaving the relationship (usually because both parties are scared of being on their own) or they've never had anything to really test their bond - but they're not really the loving, attentive, "best friend" relationship we associate with couples together for that long. 
• Speaking of therapy - you ex shouldn't be in therapy talking about what she wants in man. Underneath all of her behavior, psychoses, issues, emotional trauma is the real her - the therapist should be focused on helping her remove the baggage and heal the wounds, then the answer to that and probably a lot of other questions will naturally spring forth
• As for you - your therapy should be focus on your self-worth and your ability to feel, express, and stand by your emotions and also on the topic of shame. There's a few books I can recommend along those lines if your therapist hasn't done so already.
• We all make mistakes in life. The question for anyone to ask themselves if they want to be your future wife is "has he learned, has he grown, has he changed, has he accepted his role, and does his behavior match his words". No one past 18 or 22 doesn't come with baggage. And sure, the older you get the more it piles up. But if you know your baggage and have dealt with it - it sits in the back of the closet out of the way and slowly with time, you can unpack it and toss it out bit by bit. 
• Now I'm going to be fully blunt and transparent. You're 33. BIG F"ING Deal. I'm 38, single, never married, and no kids. I could sit here and feel ashamed that I'm not married, that I don't have kids yet (even though I want to be a father badly and people who I know are good people and also great parents tell me I'll be a great father one day), that I live with my parents and grandmother, and that I'm not rich. Real easy for me to do given the fact I was shamed and teased as a child, threatened with abandonment, just had the biggest heartache of my life 8 months ago, still have occasional self-esteem issues and self-worth issues and I don't have a ton of close friends because I invested in the wrong people (friends/family) till about 7 years ago so I don't have any life-long friends stemming back to college or hs or childhood at this point. I can beat myself up and talk smack about me all day long if I wanted to. And so can you about yourself. What many good, but broken, flawed men need to learn is that - we are more than our parts, we are worth more than what we could give someone financially, or sexually, or in the looks department, and the love we crave can and will find us if we love ourselves first, if we don't swallow our own wants and needs and if we are our best, most authentic, most enthusiastic selves we can be. (And let me side track quickly - that doesn't mean we can't feel down or get depressed or get angry from time to time - we are allowed our emotions!!!). I could be myself up and feel down - or I can say - I'm 38 and don't have any crazy ex-wives. I don't owe any exes any money. I don't have baby mama problems. My family and my relationship with them is managed and not emotionally, financially, or pscychologically exhausting. I make 110k a year, I have 74k in the bank, will have 95 in the bank by end of the year, pre-pandemic had 80k in retirement savings, 30k in company stock options, I have no debt other than my nice 4 door, 3 yr old SUV which is almost 50% paid off, I have a plenty of clothes, books, jewelry, almost all the camping gear I could ever want, a 2 year old super gaming computer and enough games to last 5 years, I'm emotionally balanced, healthy, learned how to communicate my wants, my needs, know the red flags to look out for when it comes to dating, have poured a ton of work into myself, I'm a pretty hard working, down to earth guy that's teachable, has a great sense of humor, can write well, will buy a home in the Fall or early next year and furnish it and still have 20-30k in savings, am good with kids and yeah - I founded and run a non-profit group that in 4.5 years completely destroyed the local chapter of a big national organization that does what my group does - so you know what - anyone that doesn't like me - oh well, I'm not everyone's cup of tea and not everyone is mine. But I am worthy of love, I am worthy to feel happy and to live my life as I see fit and eventually, with some luck and hard work, I'll eventually meet the right person. Not the perfect person and maybe not the person I thought - but the right person for me. You will too. Work on yourself and focus on you for a while. And don't judge your own life by others. No one - not one of the 108 billion homo sapiens that has ever lived has had to walk the path you have had to. The question isn't how your story begins or ends - the question is at the end of your life could you look back and tell your story, tell your life and say - yup, I loved it, I tried my best, and did the best I could with what I had. Remember - not to get political for more than a second - if Donald Trump was born the son of a used car salesmen in Dubuque Iowa, he'd be the king of car salesmen in Dubuque Iowa. Maybe even all of Iowa. But not, what he is today.
• And last point - men are allowed to have emotions. There's not shame in crying. Any man who would shame or tease you for crying isn't a man. Real men have and are okay with their emotions. Strength comes not from a lack of emotion but from responding to them. And any woman who would see you cry, see you struggle and then leave - isn't the woman for you. As a few people pointed out here - a solid, firm, rooted relationship is about weathering the ups and downs of life together. You weathered her cutting tail and then crawling back because of her emotional/psychological issues - which a lot of good men (or even not so good men) would not have tolerated or accepted. And then the moment you have a few problems she cuts tail and runs - yeah - that' wasn't meant to be. Stop beating yourself up for it. And stop idolizing her. That's what your mind is doing - your letting your ego and inner child take all the blame and not forcing them to accept her role in the relationship and you let them ignore all of her problems because for some reason you've been conditioned to do that. STOP IT. My last ex was a lot younger than me. Too young in fact. For months after she dumped me I was a wreck on/off. Depressed, sad, crying. And all good things from a healing/growth perspective. But it will be 8 months tomorrow. And while I still get the occasional depressive wave and still cry once or twice or three times a week - it's not about her or that relationship - it's about me and how I've made mistakes in my life and put myself in second place in my own story too often. And it's uncovering and addressing issues I thought I had solved but apparently didn't. And while grief and sadness are appropriate responses - I'm at a point now where I recognize - I need to move on. I need to confront my ego, my inner child (or little dude as I call him), and say - "ENOUGH" - I'm the author of my own life, anyone who would judge me for being single and no kids at 38, for not having an apartment or home of my own yet can suck it. I'm a good man (not the "nice guy" anymore) (nor am I perfect), and I deserve someone who matches (again not completely) what I'm looking for and yeah - maybe I'll never have kids, who knows. But I can and will find that right partner and build a great life for myself and when I meet her, build a great one together with her. Give yourself some time and space to grow, to heal, to scream, to cry. And don't cry for someone who left when you were down. Feel sorry for her because one day someone will do that to her and she'll have no one.

[stillafool]

On 4/15/2020 at 1:35 PM, rayj83 said:

And I gotta go through the song and dance of finding someone I’m attracted to, then all the stages of finding out if we’re compatible, etc. Seems very daunting.

When you meet the right woman it won't be as hard as it is with this one because hopefully she will know what she wants and is more secure with herself.  This one has no business even dating because she doesn't have a clue what she wants.

[rayj83]

I appreciate the new responses. I know I should be moving on and I’m trying but it just still hurts a lot. Like a lot. As I said already, in addition to my mom’s cancer I also was really down in those times about my financial situation and relationship fallout from my family both as part of my issues with depression/addiction before I even met her. I was managing both the best I could but it impacted me for sure especially when my mom got cancer  - those feelings intensified to the point where a week here or there I was very very sad and in a dark place. And she saw that and basically was like “whoa I never knew what depression was until I saw that!”  Again. Not really the truth - but what she believes to be true about me. I think her in and out behaviour, especially when she found out more about this and the erratic behaviour at times, made her think this would be what a life with me would be like. Which on the one hand I understand but on the other makes me so angry and regretful because had that not happened and she saw that side of me or knew some of the skeletons in my closet, she probably would still be with me. She asked had that kind of behaviour happened before she met me and I said one other time a couple years back but it’s not like that was my personality. I was cast out as unstable and a “gamble” (her words) and she couldn’t move past it. Projected a life with me as “well if he can’t handle this, how can I rely on him when we have issues with marriage, kids, etc?”  I think her uncertainty once she saw this side of me just fed into and still has fed into my insecurity and self esteem. So it’s really hard to shake it off and see the flaws in her when what we had was really really good despite these issues. Also it’s hard because as a man, there’s this expectation I need to be more of a rock. And of course my wanting so badly to be with her and work on it and her not. I was willing to do everything and anything. She wouldn’t even try - she just “couldn’t get passed how distraught she saw me and how scared she was” - basically her words. I’m just so sad and angry I can’t even describe it and it’s not getting easier. Why can’t someone overlook this and see that this was only a small part of our relationship? I showed up like this maybe 5-10 percent of the time during our relationship.
 

And by the way - this behaviour wasn’t even on display in the first round when she left me the first time. 

I continue to just really want her and I’m trying to move on. But my heart wants what it wants. I know deep down she has it in her to work it through with me but she just won’t. 

Edited April 21, 2020 by rayj83

[Difficultstuff]

1 hour ago, rayj83 said:

 I know deep down she has it in her to work it through with me but she just won’t. 

I mean, you don't 'know' the first part of that at all. It's a lovely fantasy: that if you could just say or do the right thing it'd all work out and she'd make the effort to really change into who she is 'deep down.' In reality, all you actually know is she's not trying to do that, not calling you, is not there now.

But here's something positive - you said you didn't like how you were with her maybe 5 or 10% of the time. That means you did things OK the rest of the time. 90-95% is a pretty good success rate for anything in life.

I know what your immediate response to that is likely to be... But again, everything you're going through is part of a process. It's not unique to you except in the particulars. The basic outline is very familiar to many people.

Those of us responding get the anger, the resentment, the regret. And we're all replying on the basis of our own similar mistakes and screw-ups and pain, recent or from longer ago. And sometimes it is, as you say, indescribable.

From where I am, though, it looks like you've got and are getting a lot of insight now into why this woman was not the greatest of choices for you, as well as into yourself and your patterns. So yes, it continues to suck - but keep going.