Completely heartbroken and devastated

[ExpatInItaly]

28 minutes ago, rayj83 said:

They’re trying to help me out of it. Providing some tools to try distract myself in healthy ways but I just don’t find it all that effective. I guess I have a stubborn mind. 

This is why staying off their social media is critical. 

You're not finding their tools effective because you're still doing things that make it impossible for any other strategies to work. 

[rayj83]

9 minutes ago, Difficultstuff said:

'Redemption' is bulls***. And it's impossible for one person to come and make it suddenly all better. If you think they can you are very mistaken. As I've been saying, all the stuff you're feeling/thinking/writing about is very common and very natural. The only real answer to all your 'why' questions is that it happened so that you could learn more about yourself and grow into whoever you're supposed to be in the future - all the gifts and talents and qualities you already have, but put somewhere where they can be properly appreciated. The past is done. I think you've got enough integrity and common sense to understand that. The acceptance is - as I've said - a process. It's not about her anymore, it's about you. 

You don’t think she appreciated me? I think she did. She was at a time crazy about me. but I f***ed up the relationship because I was mentally unstable. 

[Difficultstuff]

1 minute ago, rayj83 said:

You don’t think she appreciated me? I think she did. She was at a time crazy about me. but I f***ed up the relationship because I was mentally unstable. 

I'm saying that, on the basis of what I remember from reading your initial posts, when the going got tough she wasn't there. Sure, she may have been crazy about you as long as it was easy. But we all deserve someone who's still crazy about us when it's not. What does it matter anyway? She's probably with someone else and couldn't care less anymore. Your responsibility is to look after yourself.

[rayj83]

2 hours ago, Difficultstuff said:

I'm saying that, on the basis of what I remember from reading your initial posts, when the going got tough she wasn't there. Sure, she may have been crazy about you as long as it was easy. But we all deserve someone who's still crazy about us when it's not. What does it matter anyway? She's probably with someone else and couldn't care less anymore. Your responsibility is to look after yourself.

I just have a hard time believing, for someone who hung to the idea of being with me for 6-7 months after initially breaking up with me, that I’m just an after thought to his person at this point. 
 

does phoning her asking to talk help the situation? I still hang on to the Hope one day she’s gonna be like “oh my god what did I do!” And come crying at my door begging for me back. She sort of did that already when we initially started dating. This whole thing has thrown me for a huge loop. 

Edited May 30, 2020 by rayj83

[ExpatInItaly]

No, phoning her to talk is only going to make it worse. 

You badly need to let go, Ray. 

[Difficultstuff]

No. Do not call.

[assertives]

No, do not call. She has already told you not to contact her.

16 hours ago, rayj83 said:

does phoning her asking to talk help the situation

"Helping" the situation in terms of getting her back? No. She's already someone else's girlfriend.

But if in terms of "helping" you let go? Maybe. Especially if the calls makes it more obvious to you that she's moved on. But you will be more hurt especially as she likely may be cold, short or even be irritated with you when you call and pour out more of your feelings that she didn't want/couldn't handle even before the break up happened much less now when she's basking in a new relationship with a new guy.

[rayj83]

Hi all. I hope you’re well. It’s been almost a few months now since I last posted. I’m still really struggling. She has moved on and with someone else and I’m sure moving in together. Engagement, marriage I’m sure will follow. I am completely broken and so angry about what happened but also that I can’t seem to move on. 

[goldengirl11]

Rayj83,

I appreciate that this likely won't be of much help to you, but I just wanted to say that I can relate to your situation and hope you're ok!

I too have suffered with mental issues for some time if I'm honest and still think of an ex often. In fact, especially since Lockdown began, it has become almost an obsession tbh, getting flashbacks etc.

I last saw this ex almost 10 years ago now, who I used to still be in touch with occasionally for a few years. Even after I sadly discovered on social media that he appeared to move out of the area, get married and start a family about two years later, which totally devastated me. I honestly feel things could've improved between us, but I can only learn from this experience I guess.

I'm totally heartbroken that I was in a mess at the time, which wasn't helped with him being good looking and easily attracting girls at university, which ultimately ended things back then, when despite stringing me along for months, he texted to say he had a girlfriend now. Although I do regret not being clearer with my feelings *at the time.*

I have now had to accept no contact, after he probably thought I was a bit of a bunny boiler, since I have tried to contact him several times admittedly over the past few years or so.

I am due to start some therapy shortly and wish you the very best of luck!

Edited August 15, 2020 by goldengirl11

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. It's time to delete and block her and all her people from all your social media and messaging apps.

If you are still suffering too much, consider sorting things out with a therapist.

[rayj83]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that. It's time to delete and block her and all her people from all your social media and messaging apps.

If you are still suffering too much, consider sorting things out with a therapist.

Thanks. I have spent hours with therapists trying to navigate this and other issues. It just doesn’t seem to help. 

[Lotsgoingon]

If you're this troubled and disturbed by the break up, then you've got some deeper emotional problems that are interfering with your ability to mourn, let go ... heal and move on.

You mention therapy ... well by the way you have attached to this person ... I'm sensing you've got some deep attachment issues and some deep self-esteem issues ... You don't seem to be able to value yourself outside this relationship. You talk about this woman as if she was the first and only person in the world to love and value you. You've got to get to the bottom of both of those issues. That's going to take a deeper therapy ... a therapy that goes way back in time most likely ...

Talking to someone about the logic of letting go isn't going to work. Your primitive brain is in charge and is impervious to logic or words. 

BTW: this woman was troubled herself ... she broke things up ... she wasn't consistent--and you're overlooking all of that. Given her earlier behavior in the relationship, it's totally not shocking that she later dumped you. 

I also sense some rescue fantasies at work--you know, you were a good guy, previous guys were bad. That perspective is NEVER helpful for a relationship because it's not your job to be good to her and win her over based on that. Your job is to be yourself ... and see if you have a connection based on that. 

BTW: I don't see any examples exactly of what you did that was so special. Conversation? ... 

Now, to your pain and your depression and all. Here's where you got work to do in therapy. It is totally fine and expected that people will go through really hard times in relationship. That's just being human. But ... if you're going through hard times, the other person has the right and duty to wonder about you and to ask themselves if you're someone they can trust and if you can really take care of yourself. 

It sounds to me that when you got down, you had no ability to communicate with her ... no ability to figure out how to give yourself what you needed. Doesn't sound like you had other friends to call to cry with and process things with. So yes, your behavior probably scared her. And this is only fair--and ... her behavior early on should have scared YOU! 

If her friends can persuade her to dump you, then that disqualifies her from being a good partner. So if that's the case, she's not a good person to date. 

This ongoing grief and attachment points to a need to revitalize and build a full life. Sounds like you were thoroughly dependent on her affection and approval.  You want to build a life outside of a relationship. Reading, hobbies, learning, advancing on a job, working with your religious faith (if you have one) ... sports, exercise ... healthy living ... friendships outside of romance ...  Focus there. 

 

 

[rayj83]

20 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

If you're this troubled and disturbed by the break up, then you've got some deeper emotional problems that are interfering with your ability to mourn, let go ... heal and move on.

You mention therapy ... well by the way you have attached to this person ... I'm sensing you've got some deep attachment issues and some deep self-esteem issues ... You don't seem to be able to value yourself outside this relationship. You talk about this woman as if she was the first and only person in the world to love and value you. You've got to get to the bottom of both of those issues. That's going to take a deeper therapy ... a therapy that goes way back in time most likely ...

Talking to someone about the logic of letting go isn't going to work. Your primitive brain is in charge and is impervious to logic or words. 

BTW: this woman was troubled herself ... she broke things up ... she wasn't consistent--and you're overlooking all of that. Given her earlier behavior in the relationship, it's totally not shocking that she later dumped you. 

I also sense some rescue fantasies at work--you know, you were a good guy, previous guys were bad. That perspective is NEVER helpful for a relationship because it's not your job to be good to her and win her over based on that. Your job is to be yourself ... and see if you have a connection based on that. 

BTW: I don't see any examples exactly of what you did that was so special. Conversation? ... 

Now, to your pain and your depression and all. Here's where you got work to do in therapy. It is totally fine and expected that people will go through really hard times in relationship. That's just being human. But ... if you're going through hard times, the other person has the right and duty to wonder about you and to ask themselves if you're someone they can trust and if you can really take care of yourself. 

It sounds to me that when you got down, you had no ability to communicate with her ... no ability to figure out how to give yourself what you needed. Doesn't sound like you had other friends to call to cry with and process things with. So yes, your behavior probably scared her. And this is only fair--and ... her behavior early on should have scared YOU! 

If her friends can persuade her to dump you, then that disqualifies her from being a good partner. So if that's the case, she's not a good person to date. 

This ongoing grief and attachment points to a need to revitalize and build a full life. Sounds like you were thoroughly dependent on her affection and approval.  You want to build a life outside of a relationship. Reading, hobbies, learning, advancing on a job, working with your religious faith (if you have one) ... sports, exercise ... healthy living ... friendships outside of romance ...  Focus there. 

 

 

Thanks very much for this. I’m trying to get to the root of why I can’t let go. It’s just really hard to forgive myself for showing that side of myself that probably did scare her away. I did communicate what was going on to her - my mom just got cancer and I felt incredibly guilty given the times I wasn’t so great to my mom, I have a lot of financial strain and I was just completely overwhelmed. I still maintain that if she hadn’t seen that one or two week “blip” (because 90 percent of the time I was totally fine) she would have been with me still. That blip started a snowball effect where she started to question everything about me - is he stable? Is he too sensitive? Too emotional? So in a two week span I essentially pushed her away. And she could never get back to the place of seeing me for who I was during the vast majority of our relationship. I’m sure I will meet someone else but this whole thing has just broken my heart like I’ve never felt before. A lot of it is probably because I do have some self esteem issues and do fear, with how sometimes I can be erratic, if I can be a stable partner for someone. And I so badly wanted to be that for her and I was and I stumbled briefly and blew it. The guilt and regret of doing that to someone I was crazy about just kills me. And I just can’t let it go or forgive myself. Now that I know she’s moved on and moving in with someone, I feel like I’ll never get my shot at redemption with her. She came and went a couple of times and I thought in time she’d come around. But she hasn’t. And found someone else. I’m sick to my stomach because I was the guy for her but I blew it. Badly. She thought being with me was a gamble. Do you have any idea how much that hurts to hear? I know I’ve got to handle things better but it wasn’t as if I wasn’t acknowledging it or working on it. I was seeing a therapist and had people to bounce things off of. The whole thing just breaks my heart and is lingering and leaving me so hopeless and depressed. I am constantly experiencing panic attacks and anxiety and depression over this. The self flagellation of what could have been had I not had those moments of instability are killing me. 

Edited August 15, 2020 by rayj83

[ExpatInItaly]

How often are you still checking her and her boyfriend's social media? 

Therapy will only get you so far if you continue to choose behaviors that directly in contrast to your healing. 

[rayj83]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How often are you still checking her and her boyfriend's social media? 

Therapy will only get you so far if you continue to choose behaviors that directly in contrast to your healing. 

Every few days. I inferred they were moving in together and it just broke me. Seeing her like his stuff on instagram and vice-versa. I just don't know what to do. Because even if I don't check it, it doesn't make it go away. It's there. They're together. And I just can't stop beating myself up with vigor over what happened. It doesn't help that my life has spiraled since she dumped me (the third time?). I am a complete wreck over it and my work, family relationships, etc... are all suffering. Of course there's other stuff that has gotten worse like depression, hopelessness, etc... It was one pain to lose her and a whole different one to see her with someone new and then a whole different one to see she's moving in with someone, probably indicating engagement and marriage coming up. I know she was looking for that. So I'm deemed an unfit, unstable partner - that's it. Even though she saw me as an amazing person and was falling in love with me. That's the conclusion. Do you know how horrifying that feels and how hard it is to stop beating myself up and move on?

[Lotsgoingon]

 I still maintain that if she hadn’t seen that one or two week “blip” (because 90 percent of the time I was totally fine) she would have been with me still. That blip started a snowball effect where she started to question everything about me - is he stable? Is he too sensitive? Too emotional? So in a two week span I essentially pushed her away.

If she was really a good woman for you, two weeks of being really bummed would not have sent her running away.  She is the problem here--not you ... in relationships people go through longer bad periods than two weeks ... are you kidding me?! ... Now, there is definitely a way to communicate when you're the partner in pain, and that's something you probably could work on. And when you're in deep pain, you wanna develop a playbook. Did you say you've had depression issues. Well you should have a playbook, almost like a checklist you can pull out during bad times and you need this because during distress, we cannot think clearly. 

But dude, this isn't all on you. 

And let me clear your mind here: there is NO WAY she is Miss Stable Decisive with the new guy. Trust me, new guy will run into all the stuff you ran into. So get to a different therapy and get going on building the rest of your life. What else are you doing with your life besides mourning the breakup with this woman? Sounds like you made her everything in your life--and that never works. No one can be our everything. So what else are you doing in your life that you can get excited about?

BTW: the red flag here is her breaking up with you the first time ... and then coming back ... She had showed that she was unreliable, yet you totally ignored that and didn't protect yourself. Another red flag is all her talk about previous bad relationships. 

 

 

 

[rayj83]

53 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

 I still maintain that if she hadn’t seen that one or two week “blip” (because 90 percent of the time I was totally fine) she would have been with me still. That blip started a snowball effect where she started to question everything about me - is he stable? Is he too sensitive? Too emotional? So in a two week span I essentially pushed her away.

If she was really a good woman for you, two weeks of being really bummed would not have sent her running away.  She is the problem here--not you ... in relationships people go through longer bad periods than two weeks ... are you kidding me?! ... Now, there is definitely a way to communicate when you're the partner in pain, and that's something you probably could work on. And when you're in deep pain, you wanna develop a playbook. Did you say you've had depression issues. Well you should have a playbook, almost like a checklist you can pull out during bad times and you need this because during distress, we cannot think clearly. 

But dude, this isn't all on you. 

And let me clear your mind here: there is NO WAY she is Miss Stable Decisive with the new guy. Trust me, new guy will run into all the stuff you ran into. So get to a different therapy and get going on building the rest of your life. What else are you doing with your life besides mourning the breakup with this woman? Sounds like you made her everything in your life--and that never works. No one can be our everything. So what else are you doing in your life that you can get excited about?

BTW: the red flag here is her breaking up with you the first time ... and then coming back ... She had showed that she was unreliable, yet you totally ignored that and didn't protect yourself. Another red flag is all her talk about previous bad relationships. 

 

 

 

Thank you. Maybe it was a few weeks - a week here and two there, but still. It was temporary and she couldn’t get past it mentally. She said everytime she saw my face she saw the sad guy and I guess it turned her off. 
 

anyways - I am very isolated and now incredibly depressed. I have a job and a dog and that’s about it. I’m just having so much trouble moving forward and feeling ok with myself because her leaving feels like I failed. I need to be more stable and on the rails and even though I was the majority of the time there was no room to slip with her. She knew I had depression and was convinced those episodes were my depression which they really weren’t - they were momentary responses to some pretty bad events in my life and the responses for which I was getting and am getting help for. My depression has been managed pretty well actually since it started in my early 20s. It wasn’t until she left that it’s really picked up again. But she concluded differently. Being on medication and seeing a therapist every week didn’t help my case that what she saw wasn’t depression. She said “I never knew what depression was until I saw you in those moments”. So that drives me nuts too! That she totally misunderstood what was going on. She said she wanted to see my therapist and then she chickened out. And she suggested seeing a couple’s counsellor, I see it up and she bailed thinking there shouldn’t be problems that early on. 

I knew taking her back was probably a mistake and her reasoning didn’t make much sense - essentially I was coming on too strongly she said. Which wasn’t the case. It was that she was so hot (I really really like you) and cold (wouldn’t text me back for a couple days) at the start that when she was hot she wanted to progress and when she was cold she didn’t. Her best friend was ice cold to me (for no reason) and convinced her (because I was upset and scrambling to figure out why she left the first time and sending long texts) I was essentially crazy or “off”. In the end, especially with this episode, this best friend told her to call it and planted a lot of doubt in my ex’s mind. Not saying my ex didn’t have a mind of her own - but still. This best friend exhibited a ton of control over her. When I met her she wouldn’t even acknowledge me. She’s known for having a reputation as being incredibly cold. 
 

 It’s a joke that I’m in my mid 30s, single, depressed, dealing with addictions now and as a result don’t have much communication with my family. Since she left I’ve drank too much, gotten into an unmanageable level of debt from overspending and risky investments. This breakup and I think the reasoning behind it (ie: someone magnifying me in my worst moment when I’m already self conscious about keeping my s*** together) has cascaded a flood that I can’t fend off. And the fact she’s MOVING IN with a guy she’s seen maybe for 4-5 months and on a path to be engaged soon is just crushing me because it puts the death nail in any hope she was going to reconsider. I know she had issues and I did too but we had something very special together. A strong chemistry. And to see her just throw it away hurts beyond belief. As I’ve explained - the reasons behind it hurt the most. 

Edited August 15, 2020 by rayj83

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, rayj83 said:

Every few days. I inferred they were moving in together and it just broke me. Seeing her like his stuff on instagram and vice-versa. I just don't know what to do. Because even if I don't check it, it doesn't make it go away. It's there. 

Exactly. So why do you need keep looking?

It serves you zero purpose. 

What advice has your therapist given you? And what have you done with that advice?

Edited August 16, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

You need better mental health care, not a relationship. Get back to your doctor and therapist.

Alcohol is a depressant. It counteracts any medical or supportive therapy.. Check out AA online for additional support.

Advice forums are not free psychiatrists.

[rayj83]

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Exactly. So why do you need keep looking?

It serves you zero purpose. 

What advice has your therapist given you? And what have you done with that advice?

Because I’m so angry at myself for ruining the relationship - even if she was unreliable. Because I am somehow, even if it is delusional, hopefully she may return and can’t swallow that bitter pill. Somehow I feel fishing for information will give me hope she may reconsider (if I see signs they aren’t serious). But I’m just finding more evidence to the contrary. My therapist has tried to obviously get away from the rumination. I try. But my thoughts just seem to not go away. It’s breaking my heart. It is so hard to find someone of my same background who I connected with so strongly. I honestly have never ever had this hard a time moving on. Her moving on so quickly With literally the first guy she dated after me has made it all worse. I think it’s like any small hope she’d reconsider and realize she made a mistake - well that’s being firmly cemented as a big “no” every time I look and discover more information. And even after she dumped me she hung on and stayed in touch with me for 6 months. So she was still attached and it gave me hope. And now. Well it’s really done. And it’s a bullet I just can’t seem to bite.  I desperately want to fix it and show her I’m the man she was falling for. It’s not like she didn’t like me. She just couldn’t overlook my flaws and so I am so angry and depressed and hurt beyond measure that I showed those flaws and she can’t give me a chance. Because I know she’d be so happy. I love her and want her to be happy and I would never manipulate or do anything to interfere to get her to be with me. I’m just devastated and don’t see a future without her. I’m sure a lot of you are like “dude just move on already it’s been almost a year!” But I’m so stuck. Believe me I know how pathetic I probably sound. I wish I had more resilience with respect to this stuff. It’s not like she didn’t like me or wasn’t falling for me. It’s that she saw all my negative qualities, magnified them and basically didn’t want that in her life. That just kills me. 

Edited August 16, 2020 by rayj83

[ExpatInItaly]

22 minutes ago, rayj83 said:

My therapist has tried to obviously get away from the rumination. I try. But my thoughts just seem to not go away. 

Let's focus on this. 

What - specifically - has your therapist recommended you do when you feel yourself starting to ruminate? 

[assertives]

I honestly think you are in no shape/form to be thinking of a relationship now. You seriously need to focus and work on your current issues. The current mess that you are in, the depression, the debts, the too much drinking etc.. do you seriously think she'll be attracted again or "be so happy" if she somehow decides she wanted to go for round 4 with you? If anything, you being in the depressive mess that you are in now is confirming to her that she made the right decision to end things back then.

You keep reiterating how that 10% depressive episode you showed her during that week was not what you are truly like 90% of the time. But looking at how things have turned out now in your life is that really the case? If anything, wouldn't the way things are in your life now just confirm she was right about her assessment of you with regard to how you'd respond and handle a setback or hardship in life?

Expend all your energy to focus on working on yourself and getting yourself into a healthy place. By then, you'll probably realise that it's for the best that things ended between you guys and that you don't actually want her anymore.

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Because I’m so angry at myself for ruining the relationship - even if she was unreliable. 

Being depressed for two weeks does NOT ruin a relationship, at least not a real relationship. And you do not know whether she has "moved on." Her history suggests she'll treat this next guy with the same unpredictability that she treated you. 

This pain you're in is a sign that the rest of your life is out of whack. But maybe you've got to get a better therapist to start digging down into how to build a full life. Sounds like you were completely dependent on this woman for your worth and your joy in life. That won't work, doesn't work.  

 

 

[rayj83]

1 hour ago, assertives said:

I honestly think you are in no shape/form to be thinking of a relationship now. You seriously need to focus and work on your current issues. The current mess that you are in, the depression, the debts, the too much drinking etc.. do you seriously think she'll be attracted again or "be so happy" if she somehow decides she wanted to go for round 4 with you? If anything, you being in the depressive mess that you are in now is confirming to her that she made the right decision to end things back then.

You keep reiterating how that 10% depressive episode you showed her during that week was not what you are truly like 90% of the time. But looking at how things have turned out now in your life is that really the case? If anything, wouldn't the way things are in your life now just confirm she was right about her assessment of you with regard to how you'd respond and handle a setback or hardship in life?

Expend all your energy to focus on working on yourself and getting yourself into a healthy place. By then, you'll probably realise that it's for the best that things ended between you guys and that you don't actually want her anymore.

 

 

How I was during the relationship and now are completely different. I’ve fallen apart because of her leaving. Obviously she’s not coming back so I guess it a mute point whether I’d be different if she came back. I know i would be. 

[rayj83]

10 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Because I’m so angry at myself for ruining the relationship - even if she was unreliable. 

Being depressed for two weeks does NOT ruin a relationship, at least not a real relationship. And you do not know whether she has "moved on." Her history suggests she'll treat this next guy with the same unpredictability that she treated you. 

This pain you're in is a sign that the rest of your life is out of whack. But maybe you've got to get a better therapist to start digging down into how to build a full life. Sounds like you were completely dependent on this woman for your worth and your joy in life. That won't work, doesn't work.  

 

 

I know she’s moved on because she never responded to my messages from months ago seeing how she was doing. And she’s moving in with this guy! She’s never lived with anyone. All evidence suggests she’s much happier and more settled with him.