Completely heartbroken and devastated

[Lotsgoingon]

Does your therapist do cognitive behaviorial therapy? Because this is a blatant distortion: I’ve fallen apart because of her leaving. No, you "fell apart" because you merged with her and didn't have any boundaries and because the rest of your life doesn't seem to exist. 

And you do not know what she's like with the other guy. You don't. You're imagining from your bottom of your despairing mood the worst case. That's another cognitive distortion. 

Are you being treated for depression, because look, I've had depression and I'm quite aware of how depression undermines clear thinking. Your thinking here is really one-side. For example, there were no flaws in this woman that got on your nerves? Nothing about her that annoyed you? Impossible. 

Oh and have you ever been to an addictions therapy, someone who specializes in addictions. It doesn't seem like you're getting the help you need. Part of what addicts learn to do ... or recovering addicts ... is to have a bad event happen to them--like a breakup--and still not fall back into addiction. But they learn various other coping skills to get through ... like reaching out to others, going out, building friends, engaging in hobbies, getting enough sleep, getting enough exercise. On and on. 

 

Edited August 16, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, rayj83 said:

All evidence suggests she’s much happier and more settled with him. 

All it suggests is that she's still flaky.  However get the focus off her and focus on t your own health.

[rayj83]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

All it suggests is that she's still flaky.  However get the focus off her and focus on t your own health.

How does that suggest she’s still flaky? By the way thank you for all your responses. 

[assertives]

11 minutes ago, rayj83 said:

How I was during the relationship and now are completely different. I’ve fallen apart because of her leaving. Obviously she’s not coming back so I guess it a mute point whether I’d be different if she came back. I know i would be. 

It is not a moot point. Who you are as a person and how you handle/cope with setbacks and hardships in life follows and affects you regardless of who you end up with or not. It is and will be independent of this girl and anyone else for that matter. Everyone leaves someday, whether it's by choice or not by choice like a sudden death, illness, whatever. But you don't put your life on hold because of that. It is fine to wallow abit, we all do that. But at some point, you'll need to pick yourself up and move on or find better coping strategies to deal with your emotional loss.  

[rayj83]

21 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Does your therapist do cognitive behaviorial therapy? Because this is a blatant distortion: I’ve fallen apart because of her leaving. No, you "fell apart" because you merged with her and didn't have any boundaries and because the rest of your life doesn't seem to exist. 

And you do not know what she's like with the other guy. You don't. You're imagining from your bottom of your despairing mood the worst case. That's another cognitive distortion. 

Are you being treated for depression, because look, I've had depression and I'm quite aware of how depression undermines clear thinking. Your thinking here is really one-side. For example, there were no flaws in this woman that got on your nerves? Nothing about her that annoyed you? Impossible. 

Oh and have you ever been to an addictions therapy, someone who specializes in addictions. It doesn't seem like you're getting the help you need. Part of what addicts learn to do ... or recovering addicts ... is to have a bad event happen to them--like a breakup--and still not fall back into addiction. But they learn various other coping skills to get through ... like reaching out to others, going out, building friends, engaging in hobbies, getting enough sleep, getting enough exercise. On and on. 

 

We do CBT. I've also tried DBT. I have a very stubborn mind in that, as you can probably tell from this thread, I have poor self-esteem. I've worked as hard as I can wth therapists over the years to figure this out and become better equipped at handling these kinds of situations. Unfortunately I just haven't gotten very far. I am being treated for depression. I see a psychiatrist every week and have had other therapists (psychologists and others that do DBT/CBT) but it really isn't helping at this point in my life. 

I just am stuck. I can't seem to forgive myself and move on from her. It's really harming me on so many levels. I've had breakups before and never struggled so much with one like this. Was she perfect? No. Definitely not. Poor communication skills, left me more than once, emotionally a bit closed off, etc... BUT the one thing she did zero in on and expose was my most vulnerable, sensitive issue of my mental health. I think that's why this is hurting so badly. And she wad great on a number of levels, and we had intense chemistry, physically and emotionally. 

I am getting treatment for my addictions as well. 

You've been so helpful in your responses. I am so thankful for that. Ultimately, as hard as I've tried, I just can't seem to accept and move forward. I've been trying for almost a year now (since she first broke things off) and more intensely since she left for good with the new guy in around February. The torture of thinking "if only I hadn't exposed this side of myself" or "if only I was more positive and light and fun" things would have turned out differently - kills me. Because the reality is, this girl was crazy about me. I could feel it. I heard it from other people. For me. All of me. And if I hadn't gone off the rails, I'm sure she'd be by my side.

This experience has hit me like no other and has been a real low. Throw in the addictions, depression - it all has just become unmanageable. I keep thinking if the consequences of what happened were just a LITTLE bit less intense - say my debt was a bit more manageable, or I hadn't pushed people in my family away, or she didn't leave and didn't move on, I could man up and manage all this better. But it's all just destroying me. And the only thing to do is to move forward and move on. And I am so stuck. She is 75% of the reason I can't move forward. And seeing her with this guy, knowing they're moving in together, knowing she will be engaged and married. I mean it literally just makes me sick to stomach, constant crying spells, inability to take care of myself.

It's like I had a winning lottery ticket out of a huge amount of my problems with this girl, and I just threw it away. That's how this feels. Believe me, I know my inabilty to accept things and move forward and mourn the break-up is really troubling and problematic. I just don't know how to get to a place where I really feel ok with it all. My mind just won't let me and wants to hang on to that self-flagellation. Because the truth is, she very likely would still be with me if she hadn't seen this side of me. I truly believe that.  

[rayj83]

Thanks. I didn't mean to say it's a moot point generally - of course it's very important. What I meant to say was it was a moot point in terms of getting her back or re-attracting her. How I am since she left has no effect on her opinion of me. I  know I have to find a way to accept this and move forward. I know it. I just am really struggling with how to do that. I still feel I screwed this up so badly and my biggest source of insecurity - my fear of keeping things stable, on the rails, keeping it together as an adult, mentally stable, etc... - was exposed, albeit briefly, enough to scare her away. 

And by the way, it's rare to find someone you click with on that level. Who's so beautiful, kind, sweet, etc... I'm not saying I'll never find that again, but it's hard to find. And she was an amazing opportunity I feel I let slip by. 

Edited August 17, 2020 by rayj83

[assertives]

Actually, I would like to counter the point that you keep going around in circles that "if you hadn't shown that side of you to her, she'll still be around." Chances are, she would have found another reason to leave. Someone who is genuinely crazy about a person isn't going to break up with them. Not once, not twice and she did it 3 times. Someone who is crazy about someone would want to stick around and try to work things out. But she bailed at pretty much several opportunities. 

Think of it this way, if you are not able to be yourself when you are with someone for fear they will leave you, then it is not a good or sustainable relationship. Life is full of ups and downs. That's just the way it is. Your thinking of if you have just kept things "light and fun", things would have turned out differently is frankly not a sustainable thought or approach. Can you keep things "light and fun" for the rest of your life? Regardless of whatever setbacks and obstacles come with the package of life? That's not something anyone could realistically do anyway.

Perhaps try thinking along this train of thought, it may help stop blaming yourself.

Also, I urge you to abstain from checking in on hers or her partner's social media periodically. It will seriously hinder your healing. Perhaps everytime you feel the urge to look, try replace it with another activity, like maybe play a video or mobile game. Or take a walk or read a chapter or go grab a coffee.. until the urge dies down. It will take awhile to get over her. But you just need to start small, and do it bit by bit.

[Difficultstuff]

Hey there - I commented a couple of times when you first started this thread a few months ago. I'm sorry the memory of this woman is still troubling you.

It seems to me you're just kind of sadistically exhausting yourself here with all the talk and thoughts of not being able to move on etc. Have you tried just accepting that you 'can't accept' it? I literally mean just entirely accepting that you can't accept that it's all completely f***ed and there's absolutely nothing you can do...

I don't want you to cause yourself more pain - but there is obviously great pain and suffering and sorrow for you right now, and perhaps acknowledging that, rather than instantly thinking 'I have to change this, how can I change this?' again and again might lead you to a calmer and gentler space. You say it's 'unmanageable', and what I read here is someone desperate to manage things and sort it all out and make everything great again - and life doesn't work like that for anybody. There's always stuff that can't be managed or that's unresolved.

Side note: You made me laugh out loud calling her a 'winning lottery ticket', so thanks for that!

Please also know that many, many guys, myself included, have felt and thought things about a particular woman that are almost exactly the same as you are thinking and feeling - and have lived to tell the tale. So though you are obviously very alone in the specifics of what you're going through, in other ways you really really aren't.

[beentheredonethat77]

I havn't read every post so forgive me if this has been said before -- 

Have you considered that you dont want be happy? -- Hear me out.   To decide that you want to be happy and let go of this emotional self-harm is petrifying --- this emotional self-harm can be highly addictive.. not to mention comforting and family at this point for you.   

To move on and truly stop yourself from all thoughts of her and the past -- is scary.   It means facing life again .. head - on.   Dating new women, conversations and thoughts not involving her.  For someone in depression it feels like all those unknowns.. potential more rejection, anxiety of new dates and experiences and just... ugh life is too much to face.   Of course, the notion that you what may actually be an incredible bright, exciting adventurous future is bogged down with all that fear of the unknown... fear of never finding another one 'like her' and further confirming your idea that she was some sort of lottery ticket.   I get she was sweet, beautiful and all these wonderful things --- but what wasnt she? Supportive and accepting of your human emotions.   Not a lottery ticket.. in fact, far from.. for many a huge bullet dodged.. 

 

You know, as a sidenote... im attracted to very masculine men.. alpha and strong leader types, some who were raised to not show their sensitive side usually.    Like my wonderful dad and brother who are old-school in their desire to take care of a woman.   That said --- i have seen all the men i admire in my life crumble emotionally at some point -- because thats what life does, it brings sorrow and grief to everyones feet at some point -- there is no escaping it - and real men with hearts will feel it and show their sometimes.   Watching my strong successful father crumble in my Mother's arms and sob like a baby in her lap when his own father passed --- showed me what a real man (and woman) can and will do when going through traumatic events.   Not all the time,.. but to see a man in grief and sadness as 'crazy' or 'unstable' -- is immature and silly.  You were having a human emotional response to a sad time in your life.   

So, now you move on.. you get comfortable being uncomfortable with tackling the next exciting and daunting chapters in your life. 

 

[Difficultstuff]

On 8/18/2020 at 12:11 AM, beentheredonethat77 said:

I havn't read every post so forgive me if this has been said before -- 

Have you considered that you dont want be happy? -- Hear me out.   To decide that you want to be happy and let go of this emotional self-harm is petrifying --- this emotional self-harm can be highly addictive.. not to mention comforting and family at this point for you.   

To move on and truly stop yourself from all thoughts of her and the past -- is scary.   It means facing life again .. head - on.   Dating new women, conversations and thoughts not involving her.  For someone in depression it feels like all those unknowns.. potential more rejection, anxiety of new dates and experiences and just... ugh life is too much to face.   Of course, the notion that you what may actually be an incredible bright, exciting adventurous future is bogged down with all that fear of the unknown... fear of never finding another one 'like her' and further confirming your idea that she was some sort of lottery ticket.   I get she was sweet, beautiful and all these wonderful things --- but what wasnt she? Supportive and accepting of your human emotions.   Not a lottery ticket.. in fact, far from.. for many a huge bullet dodged.. 

 

You know, as a sidenote... im attracted to very masculine men.. alpha and strong leader types, some who were raised to not show their sensitive side usually.    Like my wonderful dad and brother who are old-school in their desire to take care of a woman.   That said --- i have seen all the men i admire in my life crumble emotionally at some point -- because thats what life does, it brings sorrow and grief to everyones feet at some point -- there is no escaping it - and real men with hearts will feel it and show their sometimes.   Watching my strong successful father crumble in my Mother's arms and sob like a baby in her lap when his own father passed --- showed me what a real man (and woman) can and will do when going through traumatic events.   Not all the time,.. but to see a man in grief and sadness as 'crazy' or 'unstable' -- is immature and silly.  You were having a human emotional response to a sad time in your life.   

So, now you move on.. you get comfortable being uncomfortable with tackling the next exciting and daunting chapters in your life. 

 

@beentheredonethat77 - this is a really great and affirming post.

I think it's very hard - sometimes unbelievably so - for those of us who have not had the kind of male or female role models you did (who were able to express their emotions healthily and appropriately) to accept or know how to respond to the natural sorrows and grief of life.

I very much agree about the addiction to emotional self-harm and how it can be comforting because it's familiar, whereas moving towards life is, as you say, daunting - but exciting.

Your post resonated with me a lot this morning, so I hope it helps OP too.

 

[rayj83]

Want to thank everyone for their comments and guidance. It is so hard for me right now to accept and move forward. I’m trying but I still feel very stuck and sick about everything that happened and losing her. I am so appreciative of everyone taking the time and effort to write me. 

[rayj83]

On 8/17/2020 at 7:11 PM, beentheredonethat77 said:

I havn't read every post so forgive me if this has been said before -- 

Have you considered that you dont want be happy? -- Hear me out.   To decide that you want to be happy and let go of this emotional self-harm is petrifying --- this emotional self-harm can be highly addictive.. not to mention comforting and family at this point for you.   

To move on and truly stop yourself from all thoughts of her and the past -- is scary.   It means facing life again .. head - on.   Dating new women, conversations and thoughts not involving her.  For someone in depression it feels like all those unknowns.. potential more rejection, anxiety of new dates and experiences and just... ugh life is too much to face.   Of course, the notion that you what may actually be an incredible bright, exciting adventurous future is bogged down with all that fear of the unknown... fear of never finding another one 'like her' and further confirming your idea that she was some sort of lottery ticket.   I get she was sweet, beautiful and all these wonderful things --- but what wasnt she? Supportive and accepting of your human emotions.   Not a lottery ticket.. in fact, far from.. for many a huge bullet dodged.. 

 

You know, as a sidenote... im attracted to very masculine men.. alpha and strong leader types, some who were raised to not show their sensitive side usually.    Like my wonderful dad and brother who are old-school in their desire to take care of a woman.   That said --- i have seen all the men i admire in my life crumble emotionally at some point -- because thats what life does, it brings sorrow and grief to everyones feet at some point -- there is no escaping it - and real men with hearts will feel it and show their sometimes.   Watching my strong successful father crumble in my Mother's arms and sob like a baby in her lap when his own father passed --- showed me what a real man (and woman) can and will do when going through traumatic events.   Not all the time,.. but to see a man in grief and sadness as 'crazy' or 'unstable' -- is immature and silly.  You were having a human emotional response to a sad time in your life.   

So, now you move on.. you get comfortable being uncomfortable with tackling the next exciting and daunting chapters in your life. 

 

This is very good advice. In terms of your question. Of course I want to be happy. But I’ve made my happiness conditional upon fixing everything I’ve lost in my life which includes her. I’ve outlined where my “failings” were in terms of my down time and I know I needed to get a better handle on that. I am moving slowly to acceptance but it’s really hard. Especially when I know she’s gone for good and probably very happy with this new guy who she probably sees in him everything I was not. 

[rayj83]

On 8/16/2020 at 3:48 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

Does your therapist do cognitive behaviorial therapy? Because this is a blatant distortion: I’ve fallen apart because of her leaving. No, you "fell apart" because you merged with her and didn't have any boundaries and because the rest of your life doesn't seem to exist. 

And you do not know what she's like with the other guy. You don't. You're imagining from your bottom of your despairing mood the worst case. That's another cognitive distortion. 

Are you being treated for depression, because look, I've had depression and I'm quite aware of how depression undermines clear thinking. Your thinking here is really one-side. For example, there were no flaws in this woman that got on your nerves? Nothing about her that annoyed you? Impossible. 

Oh and have you ever been to an addictions therapy, someone who specializes in addictions. It doesn't seem like you're getting the help you need. Part of what addicts learn to do ... or recovering addicts ... is to have a bad event happen to them--like a breakup--and still not fall back into addiction. But they learn various other coping skills to get through ... like reaching out to others, going out, building friends, engaging in hobbies, getting enough sleep, getting enough exercise. On and on. 

 

I’m doing tons of therapy. And getting my life on track. Of course she has flaws. She was intolerant of my down period, confused from day 1 about me however there was a moment she was crazy about me ( or at least told me such) and told me 75 percent of the reason she left was because of my low mood. Seeing her completely shut the door on me and move on to someone else was something she hadn’t done for a good 6 months after the breakup. So I was in “sales mode” for a while showing her I wasn’t the dark disturbed guy she thought I was. And knowing she’s completely shut the door. Well. I am trying so hard to move on and accept but someone with my makeup and my regrets over things I could have controlled better is just killing me. I’m not going to sit here and say I’ll never find someone new. But there’s an element of that. And not WANTING to let go  and thinking somehow there’s gotta be a way to change her mind. And with every week and month that goes by I know that is becoming less and less likely. Especially as I hear or see things like she’s moving in with a new guy. That could have been me you know?

[rayj83]

On 8/17/2020 at 2:04 PM, assertives said:

Actually, I would like to counter the point that you keep going around in circles that "if you hadn't shown that side of you to her, she'll still be around." Chances are, she would have found another reason to leave. Someone who is genuinely crazy about a person isn't going to break up with them. Not once, not twice and she did it 3 times. Someone who is crazy about someone would want to stick around and try to work things out. But she bailed at pretty much several opportunities. 

Think of it this way, if you are not able to be yourself when you are with someone for fear they will leave you, then it is not a good or sustainable relationship. Life is full of ups and downs. That's just the way it is. Your thinking of if you have just kept things "light and fun", things would have turned out differently is frankly not a sustainable thought or approach. Can you keep things "light and fun" for the rest of your life? Regardless of whatever setbacks and obstacles come with the package of life? That's not something anyone could realistically do anyway.

Perhaps try thinking along this train of thought, it may help stop blaming yourself.

Also, I urge you to abstain from checking in on hers or her partner's social media periodically. It will seriously hinder your healing. Perhaps everytime you feel the urge to look, try replace it with another activity, like maybe play a video or mobile game. Or take a walk or read a chapter or go grab a coffee.. until the urge dies down. It will take awhile to get over her. But you just need to start small, and do it bit by bit.

Of course I can’t keep things light and fun all the time. I feel things and am a sensitive guy. So when her best friend was completely ice cold and didn’t even acknowledge me when she met me, it bothered me and I told my ex it bothered me. But instead of communicating with me and seeing my side, she made me out to be too sensitive. But there were other things I did like being stuck in regret and sadness like when my mom got cancer that scared her away and I could have worked better at that and have. So I’m a much more refined version of who I was and so desperately want to show that to my ex. But she’s obviously turned off to me and moved on and it’s just such a bitter pill to swallow. I’m sure I’ll find someone new but the memory of her and our relationship is still haunting me. 

[beentheredonethat77]

2 hours ago, rayj83 said:

Of course I can’t keep things light and fun all the time. I feel things and am a sensitive guy. So when her best friend was completely ice cold and didn’t even acknowledge me when she met me, it bothered me and I told my ex it bothered me. But instead of communicating with me and seeing my side, she made me out to be too sensitive. But there were other things I did like being stuck in regret and sadness like when my mom got cancer that scared her away and I could have worked better at that and have. So I’m a much more refined version of who I was and so desperately want to show that to my ex. But she’s obviously turned off to me and moved on and it’s just such a bitter pill to swallow. I’m sure I’ll find someone new but the memory of her and our relationship is still haunting me. 

You have to get serious about moving on from this obsession.  You are stuck in a holding pattern of picturing her seeing the 'new you' and undoing all the damage and starting over -- let this go.   You have to choose to accept *she is not in your life* and wont be.    Allow yourself an allotted time to grieve / cry / pine.. and then be done.  Maybe a little time each day and then decrease the time.   Set an alarm after half an hour if you have to.

Use every tool at your disposable.. keep extremely busy with activities that dont involve her and commit to socializing and being outside as much as possible.  Be your own best friend, avoid social media, music thats a trigger or any place thats a reminder.    Every time you catch yourself day-dreaming and obsession, say "enough". ."its over!" -- and change to another thought (if you cant do this easily make a list of things you're grateful for or plans you may be able to get excited about) and refer to these every time your'e caught in that moment.    You need to take control here and exercise some self-discipline. time heals but its also what you do with that time. 

This stuff is hard and painful but you have no choice but to get on with life, without her. 

Edited August 23, 2020 by beentheredonethat77

[rayj83]

22 hours ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

You have to get serious about moving on from this obsession.  You are stuck in a holding pattern of picturing her seeing the 'new you' and undoing all the damage and starting over -- let this go.   You have to choose to accept *she is not in your life* and wont be.    Allow yourself an allotted time to grieve / cry / pine.. and then be done.  Maybe a little time each day and then decrease the time.   Set an alarm after half an hour if you have to.

Use every tool at your disposable.. keep extremely busy with activities that dont involve her and commit to socializing and being outside as much as possible.  Be your own best friend, avoid social media, music thats a trigger or any place thats a reminder.    Every time you catch yourself day-dreaming and obsession, say "enough". ."its over!" -- and change to another thought (if you cant do this easily make a list of things you're grateful for or plans you may be able to get excited about) and refer to these every time your'e caught in that moment.    You need to take control here and exercise some self-discipline. time heals but its also what you do with that time. 

This stuff is hard and painful but you have no choice but to get on with life, without her. 

I know. I’ve moved on before - this one is just so much more protracted I think because I felt judged for being too sensitive, emotional, unstable - whatever you want to call it. And I know I can and have to be better in terms of that and my addictions. So I feel I got a “bad review” and deservedly so. 

[beentheredonethat77]

5 hours ago, rayj83 said:

I know. I’ve moved on before - this one is just so much more protracted I think because I felt judged for being too sensitive, emotional, unstable - whatever you want to call it. And I know I can and have to be better in terms of that and my addictions. So I feel I got a “bad review” and deservedly so. 

You will.   Its hard.   

Bad reviews are a part of life -- so she thinks you're a bit sensitive p***y til her dying days --really, does it matter? --  Her review is she couldn't be supportive and understanding with all you were going though -- her review is a bad one too..   She'll move on fine and so will you.   

Time to move on, truly.   Accept you cant control what she thinks of you and vice versa --- -Then you move on to throwing yourself into meeting new people and banning yourself from talking about her. 

As a side note -- especially dont talk  about her to any new women you meet  -- no quicker way to turn off someone.. keep cards close to chest in future, less is more -- journal and post but dont overshare. 

Edited August 24, 2020 by beentheredonethat77

[Acacia98]

@rayj83, it might help you to take a step back from the specifics of your situation and read about others' experiences, takes on the subject, etc. They may not mirror your exact situation. But they might help you gain some perspective. I've posted some links below:

This will probably be the most relevant:

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

 

This is good too:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/articles/201505/the-blistering-break?collection=1073568

 

And here are some tips for doing NC:

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

 

This is the thread from which I got the links to the above pages. The particular person whose comments/posts you should pay attention to is Downtown (in this thread and also in other threads, which you can look up on his profile):

 

[rayj83]

3 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

@rayj83, it might help you to take a step back from the specifics of your situation and read about others' experiences, takes on the subject, etc. They may not mirror your exact situation. But they might help you gain some perspective. I've posted some links below:

This will probably be the most relevant:

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

 

This is good too:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/articles/201505/the-blistering-break?collection=1073568

 

And here are some tips for doing NC:

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

 

This is the thread from which I got the links to the above pages. The particular person whose comments/posts you should pay attention to is Downtown (in this thread and also in other threads, which you can look up on his profile):

 

Thanks for this I’ll have a look. Are you saying I have BPD or something?

[Acacia98]

8 hours ago, rayj83 said:

Thanks for this I’ll have a look. Are you saying I have BPD or something?

Lol. No. I was in your shoes a few years ago and reading these kinds of articles and posts by Downtown and others helped me make sense of my former relationship and why I was having such a hard time moving on. I'm quite happy to make use of what works, even if it doesn't reflect my situation 100%. Human behavior is human behavior, you know? People with BPD may be on the far end of a spectrum, but it is a spectrum. We all exhibit the same traits to varying degrees at one point or another.

That means the advice given to someone struggling to move on from a relationship with a person with BPD can be pretty useful to somebody struggling to move on from a relationship with a person who doesn't have BPD.

So do read them. If there's something useful there, take it. If there's nothing useful there, at the very least, you'll have taken a small break from focusing on your specific situation. Sometimes little breaks are what you need to help you take tiny steps towards recovery.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, rayj83 said:

Thanks for this I’ll have a look. Are you saying I have BPD or something?

Haven't you been to a doctor for an evaluation yet? That would be a great first step to feeling better.

[rayj83]

Thanks all. I have been to a doctor and doing what I can on that front. All of this is more than hard for me - gut-wrenching. But I know I have no choice other than to move on at this point. Hoping and praying she has a change of heart will get me nowhere. But actually coming to accept that and move on, and embrace the uncertainty and anxiety of finding the same level of connection with someone new is incredibly, again, gut-wrenching. Heartbreaking. 

[Difficultstuff]

Probably doesn't always feel like it, but you being on here and talking about it, accepting the heartbreak and the gut-wrenching and the pain is also part of the process - and it's all just a process.

[Beachead]

Hey rayj83,

I read through your original post but haven't read through the rest of the thread all that much, so I apologize I'm missing the updates.

For you to move passed her, don't bury or escape from your pain.  Let yourself feel it.  Talk about it.  But more important, start asking yourself what it is you're exactly feeling and why you're feeling those things.  Where is the pain, the thoughts and the emotion coming from?  What are the sources?   The what an the why allow you to acknowledge what's really going on, and from there, you will begin to process things..really process it.  Once you figure those things, you'll have to reinforce it to yourself daily.  do this all through writing, so that you can read it everyday.  Writing is powerful.

Regarding your situation, your ex wasn't fully invested in this, which is why she broke up with you the first time. The only thing the turmoil in your life did, the second time around, was expose that lack of commitment. 

It's not all on you man.  Your ego wants you to think it is, because then you could do something about it and return to her and you can finally rid your pain..but its not. You're not the only factor that goes into the success of your relationship nor are you the only factor that determines were feelings for you.  There are many factors that go into how a person feels about you, the relationship, themselves, their life and why they decide to do what they do.   Their past relationships, trauma, failures, successes and upbringing can affect their choices in friends, career, the activities they choose to engage in, and what's best for them in their life etc.  ..and those choices return to them, more feedback that may or may not affirm their personal biases about their life and their surroundings.  All these things generate numerous variables that impact a person and try as you might, you have very little control over it.  So even if you were boyfriend of the year, it is still VERY possible she could have still decided to leave, simply because of all these other things.

Regarding you, there is no timeframe for when you should get over a breakup but as time passes, the struggle to let go does progressively become more about you than the ex.  Bear in mind how you feel about yourself, can be amplified by your environment.

I suspect, its not her you're struggling to let go off, but rather what she represented.  To you, she may represent the end of lonely days and nights.  and perhaps that feeling of introducing her friends/family and catching up to them in the relationship department.  That is what you are grieving..what you mourn.    

You're also being bombarded by 1000's and 1000's of subliminal messages that come Movies, Pop Culture,  advertisements, radio, news and just generally, from everyone you see out there in your world...telling you how to think and feel and act in your own life.  What stage you should be in by your age.  What your relationship status should be.  What kind of car you should be driving.  What type of home you should have.  Where you should be living.  How you should be dressing.  People can unknowingly absorb messages, and change ever so slightly, to perpetuate those messages without even realizing, just by living their life.   Social Media, takes that and dials it up 10 levels.  And so, with our insecurities, we start to compare ourselves to these kinds of ideas and we interpret the information in a way that affirms these ideas we have about ourself.  We then start making choices that stem from anxiety, insecurity etc. 

Consider these points as you heal.

- Beach

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 25, 2020 by Beachead

[rayj83]

18 minutes ago, Beachead said:

Hey rayj83,

I read through your original post but haven't read through the rest of the thread all that much, so I apologize I'm missing the updates.

For you to move passed her, don't bury or escape from your pain.  Let yourself feel it.  Talk about it.  But more important, start asking yourself what it is you're exactly feeling and why you're feeling those things.  Where is the pain, the thoughts and the emotion coming from?  What are the sources?   The what an the why allow you to acknowledge what's really going on, and from there, you will begin to process things..really process it.  Once you figure those things, you'll have to reinforce it to yourself daily.  do this all through writing, so that you can read it everyday.  Writing is powerful.

Regarding your situation, your ex wasn't fully invested in this, which is why she broke up with you the first time. The only thing the turmoil in your life did, the second time around, was expose that lack of commitment. 

It's not all on you man.  Your ego wants you to think it is, because then you could do something about it and return to her and you can finally rid your pain..but its not. You're not the only factor that goes into the success of your relationship nor are you the only factor that determines were feelings for you.  There are many factors that go into how a person feels about you, the relationship, themselves, their life and why they decide to do what they do.   Their past relationships, trauma, failures, successes and upbringing can affect their choices in friends, career, the activities they choose to engage in, and what's best for them in their life etc.  ..and those choices return to them, more feedback that may or may not affirm their personal biases about their life and their surroundings.  All these things generate numerous variables that impact a person and try as you might, you have very little control over it.  So even if you were boyfriend of the year, it is still VERY possible she could have still decided to leave, simply because of all these other things.

Regarding you, there is no timeframe for when you should get over a breakup but as time passes, the struggle to let go does progressively become more about you than the ex.  Bear in mind how you feel about yourself, can be amplified by your environment.

I suspect, its not her you're struggling to let go off, but rather what she represented.  To you, she may represent the end of lonely days and nights.  and perhaps that feeling of introducing her friends/family and catching up to them in the relationship department.  That is what you are grieving..what you mourn.    

You're also being bombarded by 1000's and 1000's of subliminal messages that come Movies, Pop Culture,  advertisements, radio, news and just generally, from everyone you see out there in your world...telling you how to think and feel and act in your own life.  What stage you should be in by your age.  What your relationship status should be.  What kind of car you should be driving.  What type of home you should have.  Where you should be living.  How you should be dressing.  People can unknowingly absorb messages, and change ever so slightly, to perpetuate those messages without even realizing, just by living their life.   Social Media, takes that and dials it up 10 levels.  And so, with our insecurities, we start to compare ourselves to these kinds of ideas and we interpret the information in a way that affirms these ideas we have about ourself.  We then start making choices that stem from anxiety, insecurity etc. 

Consider these points as you heal.

- Beach

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for this friend. Because this was someone who was on the fence for so long about me in terms of getting back together (numerous times), it I think to start with it is in a lot of ways becoming more difficult the more time that goes on as I really have to come to terms with the fact there is no hope of her coming back. Of course there's the beating myself up part, but I also look at the guy she's with and think what is she doing?? I did, and could have had I gotten my life in order a bit better, made her very happy, and this guy just seems like one of those 100% of the time light and fun, super positive types of guys. So there's this sense of losing out to him. But honestly, at the end of the day, I think what is causing me the most pain is a) the fact that her moving on is really cemented now, seeing she is with someone probably on the cusp of being engaged to, b) the fact that we had amazing physical chemistry and good emotional chemistry, which, while I'm not naive enough to believe I can't find in someone else, is VERY HARD to find - and the task to replicate that when, had I shown up differently, could have been with her, well that just kills me. 

It's a tremendously helpless feeling to watch all this unfold before my eyes and see her move on so quickly. In my heart I want her to be happy and if this guy makes her happy, then I'm happy for her. But of course my heart also wants her so badly, so it's hard to reconcile that. Anyways, I know acceptance and moving on is my only avenue, but it is one I've so desperately tried to avoid because it's too painful to accept. And when I let myself feel that pain, while being sober and not drinking, etc..., it becomes unbearable and find myself just immensely sad and crying and unable to focus on things at hand in my life, like work, taking care of myself, etc... The triggers for me are EVERYWHERE - see a couple on the street? Trigger. See cute kids saying hi to my dog? Trigger. Triggers for what I could have and should have had with me. This isn't the case of someone who was never happy with me - this is the case of someone who, while hot and cold to start with, WAS very happy with me, and told me herself, only to become unhappy once this "dark" side of me came to light. 

I know I can't do it on a number of levels, but a huge part of me screams to chase after her, intervene, DO SOMETHING to get her back. And I recognize the futility of that, and also that it is unfair to her. But I just don't get it. I don't get what this guy has, why she pulled the plug, why this had to end. It's absolutely crushing me consistently everyday, no matter how hard I try to reason with myself and no matter how long I stay off social media. The heart wants what the heart wants I guess. 

Edited August 25, 2020 by rayj83