ExpatInItaly Posted August 30, 2020 Share Posted August 30, 2020 10 hours ago, Noproblem said: this girl is a gemini and she might come back again, because they have crazy on/off relationships Gemini here. I have to defend my fellow Gems and let you know that your generalization is not true. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 30, 2020 Share Posted August 30, 2020 On 4/14/2020 at 7:48 PM, rayj83 said: she refused to want to work with me on it by seeing my therapist or seeing a couple's therapist. She's convinced relationships in their first year at least should be more free and easy and not have any issues. Few people really want to get involved with anyone with ongoing mental illness. That is the bottom line and most realise that "love" does not conquer all and that "love" is not enough. These were not one off events for you. By you own admission you have suffered from depression since you were a teenager and have been in therapy for years. Maybe she thought she could handle it, but realised it was beyond her, when she saw at first hand the depth of your depression. Ordinary lay people can't be expected to deal with such serious events. She was scared, many people would be the same. Your attempt to self medicate with alcohol did not help either. Women at her age are looking for men that will be good husband and father material, you were nothing like good husband and father material, so she bailed and found a better specimen. This will be a recurring problem for you if you do not take your mental health in hand and try to sort yourself out. I know it is not easy but at the moment you appear to be wallowing in self pity. Stop it. She is NOT coming back and you need to accept it and get on with the rest of your life. No-one died here. Your gf left and found a new love, it happens all the time, everyone here has been there. She was not special, she was just some woman... You get up, dust yourself off and get on with it... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rayj83 Posted August 31, 2023 Author Share Posted August 31, 2023 (edited) Hi all. I can’t believe it has been 3 years since I’ve posted about this. in any event I did find out after she dated a number of different guys over the past few years since things ended with me that she is now engaged as of two weeks go. despite trying everything at my disposal, I still have not let go. But finding out about that really hurt as it crystallizes the permanence of her ever reconsidering a return or a rekindled romance, as unlikely as that may have seemed to you. I wish I could make the pain and rumination and self flagellation stop - but I can’t. I don’t know much about the guy other than they dated for just over a year before getting engaged. I wish I could sit here and be happy for her but I’m probably just even more gutted than ever. Edited August 31, 2023 by rayj83 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 On 4/14/2020 at 12:28 PM, rayj83 said: This means a lot to me, thank you. Why am I not doing the right things and moving on? I guess I feel so guilty about ruining this. I understand maybe the right partner would have been by my side, but if i Hadn't have made some of the mistakes in my past that lead to me being emotionally volatile in those moments, I'd very likely still have her. And it's hard right now to see how I'm going to meet someone that I feel such a spark/connection with, in spite of her not wanting to be with me. I've been dating for a long time and that is VERY hard to come by. How much counseling have you done to address the issues you have? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rayj83 Posted August 31, 2023 Author Share Posted August 31, 2023 3 minutes ago, S2B said: How much counseling have you done to address the issues you have? A lot. I see a psychiatrist at least once a week. I’m on medication. I’ve worked as hard as I can on this (and my other issues). Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 (edited) 2 minutes ago, rayj83 said: A lot. I see a psychiatrist at least once a week. I’m on medication. I’ve worked as hard as I can on this (and my other issues). A psychiatrist isn’t going to help you talk through loads of your emotions. They usually prescribe medicine that masks/alters your emotions. have you seen a psychologist regularly? it’s possible - since things haven’t drastically improved in 3 years you should search for new help. Edited August 31, 2023 by S2B 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rayj83 Posted August 31, 2023 Author Share Posted August 31, 2023 (edited) 3 minutes ago, S2B said: A psychiatrist isn’t going to help you talk through loads of your emotions. They usually prescribe medicine that masks/alters your emotions. have you seen a psychologist regularly? it’s possible - since things haven’t drastically improved in 3 years you should search for new help. I’ve tried a couple of psychologists/psychotherapists but nothing helps. The regret - especially about this woman - is unrelenting. As much as I desire to I can’t let it go. I’m meeting regularly now with a new psychologist too. How will it click that I’m able to move on and see a future without her and freeing myself from the shackles of the consequences of my other mistakes? Edited August 31, 2023 by rayj83 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 It appears you are highly affected by your emotions. I stead of focusing on this gal - I suggest focusing on getting your emotions in a balanced way. you’ve handed the gal too much of YOUR power! Learn how to take YOUR power back and to stop handing it to others/circumstances! have you dealt with the regret you have with your mother? That needs to be resolved since it affects you so deeply. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 I'm sorry to hear you're still stuck in this cycle. May I ask how you manage when other areas of your life go wrong? Normal things like like a friend who starts to distance, or a job which didn't work out. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted September 1, 2023 Share Posted September 1, 2023 Have you been keeping tabs on her/stalking her all these years? Have you watched her every day? You clearly have because you seem to know everything that is going on with her. This is seriously unhealthy OP and extremely obsessive to the point where I think you are too far gone to help. You haven't allowed yourself to move on at all. You haven't allowed yourself to let go and accept that she doesn't want you. She is engaged and happy and you need to completely remove her from every aspect of your life before you end up in serious trouble. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rayj83 Posted September 1, 2023 Author Share Posted September 1, 2023 13 hours ago, JTSW said: Have you been keeping tabs on her/stalking her all these years? Have you watched her every day? You clearly have because you seem to know everything that is going on with her. This is seriously unhealthy OP and extremely obsessive to the point where I think you are too far gone to help. You haven't allowed yourself to move on at all. You haven't allowed yourself to let go and accept that she doesn't want you. She is engaged and happy and you need to completely remove her from every aspect of your life before you end up in serious trouble. I agree with everything you've said. In spite of all the efforts, I just can't seem to let the situation or her go. I've tried "removing her" from my life (eg: blocking social media, not talking about her) but that doesn't work. I cannot let go. And I think this girl - as opposed to the other girls I've dated/been serious with who also were hard to let go - is particularly hard to let go because she was not only very special and beautiful and charming, but losing her represented something more than that - it meant that my other issues (psychological, addiction, etc...) pushed her away and contributed to her leaving. That part makes it hurt extra hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rayj83 Posted September 1, 2023 Author Share Posted September 1, 2023 On 8/31/2023 at 7:13 PM, basil67 said: I'm sorry to hear you're still stuck in this cycle. May I ask how you manage when other areas of your life go wrong? Normal things like like a friend who starts to distance, or a job which didn't work out. I tend to react in a similar manner, but the degree is not as severe and certainly the length of time I stay pissed off/disappointed is not as long as this one. For example I've been fired from a job before, or done something wrong to a family member. It stings, I beat my self up over it, but somehow I'm able to move forward. Something about this girl, this situation, is driving me insane. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 3, 2023 Share Posted September 3, 2023 How did you find out she is engaged? And that she dated a number of guys after breaking up with you? Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted September 3, 2023 Share Posted September 3, 2023 On 9/2/2023 at 12:56 AM, rayj83 said: I cannot let go. So you're just going to keep tabs on her for the rest of your life? Watch as she gets married and has babies with her husband? Then what? You say you have tried removing her from everything but obviously you haven't tried hard enough, or even at all. I honestly don't know what to suggest because you are not going to end up anywhere good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rayj83 Posted September 3, 2023 Author Share Posted September 3, 2023 7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: How did you find out she is engaged? And that she dated a number of guys after breaking up with you? We have a couple mutual acquaintances and people just say things about her sometimes. But sometimes I’ll ask them. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 3, 2023 Share Posted September 3, 2023 What is the addiction you mentioned? Link to post Share on other sites
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