Completely heartbroken and devastated

[Calmandfocused]

Op, you’re stuck in the “if only”. An unhealthy place to be. 
 

You’re placing massive emphasis on the fact that you showed vulnerability in the relationship. Everyone in a healthy relationship is able to show vulnerability without being rejected by their partner. Vulnerability is not weakness. You have a distorted perception of yourself and hence are blaming yourself ... unjustifiably. 
 

irrespective of how well you “jived” , the fact is that this woman could not cope with emotions that are a natural part of human existence. You cannot be happy all the time, neither can she. The truth is she can’t handle being in relationships full stop. 
 

she is not the “prize” that you believe her to be. You are not 100% at fault as you believe that you are. 
 

Bring her down off that pedestal. Look at this objectively and work towards acceptance that no matter what you “did” it wouldn’t have worked. 
 

 

[rayj83]

8 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Op, you’re stuck in the “if only”. An unhealthy place to be. 
 

You’re placing massive emphasis on the fact that you showed vulnerability in the relationship. Everyone in a healthy relationship is able to show vulnerability without being rejected by their partner. Vulnerability is not weakness. You have a distorted perception of yourself and hence are blaming yourself ... unjustifiably. 
 

irrespective of how well you “jived” , the fact is that this woman could not cope with emotions that are a natural part of human existence. You cannot be happy all the time, neither can she. The truth is she can’t handle being in relationships full stop. 
 

she is not the “prize” that you believe her to be. You are not 100% at fault as you believe that you are. 
 

Bring her down off that pedestal. Look at this objectively and work towards acceptance that no matter what you “did” it wouldn’t have worked. 
 

 

Thanks for this. I know I have to stop blaming myself. I just feel the vulnerability I showed was so excessive and scary no woman would want that. But maybe I’m not thinking about it clearly. Like I said, I was branded as being too sensitive for her, and a lot was coming to the surface emotionally from my bouts with some serious addictions and serious depression in my late 20s. THe regret, shame and fear/anxiety around my debt from those addictions just crippled me at times in a state of being very depressed and like I said unable to go into work. But that was the exception, not the norm. I do feel people around her confirmed her view that I was too unstable and just too risky to invest more with.

I have to keep moving forward to acceptance. I know the “if only” mentality isn’t health. But even though I still have time, being 33 and knowing how hard it is to meet someone where there is chemistry (because there was a lot of chemistry there), it feels daunting and scary. Especially because I’m still struggling with loneliness, the regret/shame, etc... I’m in therapy dealing with it as best I can though. I’m trying as hard as I can to move forward and move on. But yeah, a part of me is like “unless and until she reconsiders or comes back, I can’t move on”. If she had just left because we didn’t click or something, I’d move on easier. I’ve had that happen in the past. It’s just about how this all happened - her assessing my ability to be a long term stable partner based on my moments of intense depression/sadness when those emotions surfaced. I scrambled to explain - saying I was dealing with regulating my emotions better. But that just scared her even more. Maybe the right woman would have seen that as a guy who was owning the issues and dealing with. She wouldn’t even see a counsellor or come see my therapist to get better insight (something she suggested we do) because in her world everything should be light and fun and easy, especially within the 1st year. She said if we were married or engaged, maybe she’d ride the wave with me. 

[elaine567]

On 4/14/2020 at 7:33 PM, rayj83 said:

She had gotten out of a recent intense relationship, and has a history of being with guys and then pulling the plug pretty quickly from what she told me at the time. 

You were her rebound.
She is a girl who I guess has some  commitmentphobe traits, hence why she pulls the plug early. It all gets too much for her so she gets out.
She was never in this for the long haul.
The last thing the commitmentphobic want or need is "serious""and there are few things more "serious" than a SO experiencing an emotional/psychological melt down.
That is scary for most but to a commitmentphobe it was the end.
She tried to stick in there as you were so upset but she saw no future and her gut was telling her to RUN, which she eventually did.
You need therapy to get over this girl as your response to the loss is not normal. 
You need to resolve to do the best you can to improve your mental health.
Learn to develop some emotional resilience.
 

[Calmandfocused]

Op, if you hadn’t have shown vulnerability the outcome would have still been the same. 
 

if she does come back, I’d bet money on exactly the same thing happening again.
 

Botton line : She doesn’t “Do” relationships, nothing you do/ don’t do will change that. 
 

You’ve got to change your way of thinking. Your self worth/ value is dependant on whether or not she returns and there lies a serious issue. No one determines your value or worth. Address this with your therapist. 
 

Ok, maybe there were a few things that you did that were a bit “full on” for such a young relationship. Learn from that and take it with you for future relationships. 
 

However, I repeat the relationship wouldn’t have lasted anyway. You could not and cannot control that, therefore you need to let go. 

So you’re single and 33? So what? You’ve got plenty of time to sort your mental health out AND find a partner, settle down and achieve any other life goals you may have. 
 

This woman did not just cause your life to end. Your whole life is ahead of you. 

[rayj83]

Thank you all so much. 

I know this might not be the best thing for me, but is there any chance she would reconsider and come back? I don’t see it given I was told just a few weeks ago she doesn’t want to be in communication anymore. If we both grew and changed? What can I do to get her back? Anything?

Edited April 26, 2020 by rayj83

[Difficultstuff]

2 hours ago, rayj83 said:

Thank you all so much. 

I know this might not be the best thing for me, but is there any chance she would reconsider and come back? I don’t see it given I was told just a few weeks ago she doesn’t want to be in communication anymore. If we both grew and changed? What can I do to get her back? Anything?

As has been said before: Do not contact her. Give up all hope. No, there is nothing you can do now except learn from and grow from the experience and become kinder to yourself. 

[assertives]

15 hours ago, rayj83 said:

is there any chance she would reconsider and come back?

Truth is nobody really knows. Perhaps not even she herself. But that doesn't mean you should hang out in the wings and put your life on hold waiting for her. You are better off letting go and moving on. The change you talk about will only happen when you let go and move on and live your life. It cannot happen if you stay stuck and hoping. When you do grow and change, you may also find that you don't really want her anymore, and realize that she wasn't that good a fit for you after all. You may also learn to accept that there some things in life that just isn't meant to be.

[rayj83]

Hi all. I found out she’s got a new boyfriend. I’m just devastated. He seems super positive and light and fun. I don’t know him at all though. I feel like she just saw me as depressed and dark and disturbed. All my negative qualities that were momentary. I’m so dejected. I can’t breathe. I know I need to move on but I can’t and this is killing me and making me feel so inferior. I feel weak. Like I’m not a man and couldn’t be the stable, positive partner she wants. 

i can’t focus on work and just am so freaked out. I can’t take this anymore. And feel like I have to reach out even though I know I can’t. My therapists can’t seem to help me to move on and I’m just freaked out. 

Edited May 29, 2020 by rayj83

[Difficultstuff]

Sorry you're going through this. What you're feeling is completely natural. I know it's tough and, believe me, I know exactly how it feels. Every single word you say.

You've just had a bit of a shock and it's throwing you back into all the difficult feelings and thoughts. And you're someone who feels this stuff deeply. 

Not gonna tell you it's easy to handle, but reaching out here is really wise. You probably can't see it now but this is all part of the process of letting go and moving on. It's exhausting but you are moving on even if it doesn't seem like it.

Go very easy on yourself today. I know the tendency is to believe that what you're thinking about everything is true - but that's not necessarily the case. Feel what you feel, accept it, cry if you need to, but take some time out if you can. It will pass.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time, OP. That discovery had to hurt something fierce. 

Two questions before I respond further: how did you find out she has a boyfriend, and how do you know he seems positive and fun?

[rayj83]

Don’t know for sure but it’s all over social media in terms of them hanging out, liking each other’s posts. Even when I tried to reach out for the last time 5-6 weeks ago and was told not to contact her anymore - I mean I felt she wouldn’t do that unless she was with someone. I don’t know. 

This guy just seems like the life of the party  from watching his social media - fun, light, jovial. A jokester. I watched all these videos he’s posted and he’s like in sales an entrepreneur. Super extroverted and fun. Everything I wasn’t in those moments  

[rayj83]

3 hours ago, Difficultstuff said:

Sorry you're going through this. What you're feeling is completely natural. I know it's tough and, believe me, I know exactly how it feels. Every single word you say.

You've just had a bit of a shock and it's throwing you back into all the difficult feelings and thoughts. And you're someone who feels this stuff deeply. 

Not gonna tell you it's easy to handle, but reaching out here is really wise. You probably can't see it now but this is all part of the process of letting go and moving on. It's exhausting but you are moving on even if it doesn't seem like it.

Go very easy on yourself today. I know the tendency is to believe that what you're thinking about everything is true - but that's not necessarily the case. Feel what you feel, accept it, cry if you need to, but take some time out if you can. It will pass.

I don’t want to move on. I want her. 

[rayj83]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time, OP. That discovery had to hurt something fierce. 

Two questions before I respond further: how did you find out she has a boyfriend, and how do you know he seems positive and fun?

Don’t know for sure but it’s all over social media in terms of them hanging out, liking each other’s posts. Even when I tried to reach out for the last time 5-6 weeks ago and was told not to contact her anymore - I mean I felt she wouldn’t do that unless she was with someone. I don’t know. 

This guy just seems like the life of the party  from watching his social media - fun, light, jovial. A jokester. I watched all these videos he’s posted and he’s like in sales an entrepreneur. Super extroverted and fun. Everything I wasn’t in those moments  

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, rayj83 said:

Don’t know for sure but it’s all over social media in terms of them hanging out, liking each other’s posts. Even when I tried to reach out for the last time 5-6 weeks ago and was told not to contact her anymore - I mean I felt she wouldn’t do that unless she was with someone. I don’t know. 

This guy just seems like the life of the party  from watching his social media - fun, light, jovial. A jokester. I watched all these videos he’s posted and he’s like in sales an entrepreneur. Super extroverted and fun. Everything I wasn’t in those moments  

Ah. This is what I was afraid of, for you. 

Your therapist can't possibly help you move on if you're not helping yourself. Watching their social media is serving you no purpose other than perpetuating the self-loathing inner monologue you have going on.

In some ways, you probably needed to know that she has moved on so that you don't harbour false hope. But now that you know she's with someone else? It's time to block her and this guy so you don't continue to torment yourself. 

[rayj83]

29 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Ah. This is what I was afraid of, for you. 

Your therapist can't possibly help you move on if you're not helping yourself. Watching their social media is serving you no purpose other than perpetuating the self-loathing inner monologue you have going on.

In some ways, you probably needed to know that she has moved on so that you don't harbour false hope. But now that you know she's with someone else? It's time to block her and this guy so you don't continue to torment yourself. 

I know. But even when I do I end up unblocking again. I can’t control it. And the guys seems to have everything I was lacking (unwavering positivity, fun, goofy, etc), at least in those moments of utter despair I was in. Makes it sting even more. 

[Difficultstuff]

3 hours ago, rayj83 said:

I don’t want to move on. I want her. 

OK, I hear you. Wanting her isn't helping you out much at the moment, though. Nothing I can say to take that away, just that, again, it's not unusual. Also not unusual to be blocking and unblocking or comparing yourself to him. But I've got to agree with @ExpatInItaly that it's only going to hurt you more if you don't stop. It's a brutal thing to go through, but many, many people have been in this situation before you, and you've just got to ride out the process.

[rayj83]

2 minutes ago, Difficultstuff said:

OK, I hear you. Wanting her isn't helping you out much at the moment, though. Nothing I can say to take that away, just that, again, it's not unusual. Also not unusual to be blocking and unblocking or comparing yourself to him. But I've got to agree with @ExpatInItaly that it's only going to hurt you more if you don't stop. It's a brutal thing to go through, but many, many people have been in this situation before you, and you've just got to ride out the process.

What can I do to get her back? I know there’s nothing. But I want her back so badly it’s just killing my soul. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, rayj83 said:

What can I do to get her back? I know there’s nothing. But I want her back so badly it’s just killing my soul. 

That ship already sailed, Ray. 

It's going to hurt for a while, but you will get through it. You have to start being your own biggest supporter, which means cutting off all social media avenues with her and her boyfriend. You can control it; don't tell yourself that you can't. Yes, it will take a lot of willpower but it can be done. Unless and until you do that, you're only making this worse for yourself. 

[Difficultstuff]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That ship already sailed, Ray. 

It's going to hurt for a while, but you will get through it. You have to start being your own biggest supporter, which means cutting off all social media avenues with her and her boyfriend. You can control it; don't tell yourself that you can't. Yes, it will take a lot of willpower but it can be done. Unless and until you do that, you're only making this worse for yourself. 

I agree with all of this. Yes, that ship has sadly sailed. 

If you use reddit, maybe have a look at r/ExNoContact. You'll find a lot of people, men and women, going through very similar things and learning how to cope day by day, as well as a lot of advice and practical support in the links. No miracle cure, but a lot of support there.

What you can do now is go easy on and take care of yourself. Accept you feel like hell - that's OK, but you won't always feel that way.

[rayj83]

Thanks for the suggestions all. I know you’ve all said what you’ve had to say. I’m just really stuck in a place that I’ve never been. I mean crying fits all day long almost every day? I think all the negative stuff I’ve done in my life is coming to a head. Losing her and the realizing and having to come to terms with the fact I can’t get her back - well that is just pushing me over the top. I will try post on that reddit. I feel like a total abject failure. I just don’t understand why this drove her away and imagine her happy life now with the kind of guy she wanted. 

[ExpatInItaly]

38 minutes ago, rayj83 said:

I feel like a total abject failure. I just don’t understand why this drove her away and imagine her happy life now with the kind of guy she wanted. 

You mentioned you are in therapy, so I am curious, what she/he has to say about this mindset you're looped in? 

 

[Difficultstuff]

1 hour ago, rayj83 said:

Thanks for the suggestions all. I know you’ve all said what you’ve had to say. I’m just really stuck in a place that I’ve never been. I mean crying fits all day long almost every day? I think all the negative stuff I’ve done in my life is coming to a head. Losing her and the realizing and having to come to terms with the fact I can’t get her back - well that is just pushing me over the top. I will try post on that reddit. I feel like a total abject failure. I just don’t understand why this drove her away and imagine her happy life now with the kind of guy she wanted. 

I think you're going through the very worst of it right now. A real 'dark night of the soul'. I know you often don't see a way out. But this is a journey you're on. It sucks, you don't want to be here, you wish it would go away and that you didn't have to feel like this. But here you are. All I can say is keep on facing it - but remember that you can get through. Other people have been through similar (not the same, you've got your own journey) and come out the other side. 

Yes, you feel you've failed. I know that feeling well. But it's just a feeling, and a signal for you to learn and grow and change emotionally - and growth comes with pain. It's a process, and it's not smooth or easy.

Eventually, hopefully, you'll be able to see all that 'negative stuff' slightly differently, not as proof of failure but just as ways you had of dealing with really difficult situations that were not entirely your responsibility. I think it's courageous of you to be facing this as honestly as you are doing here.

[rayj83]

47 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You mentioned you are in therapy, so I am curious, what she/he has to say about this mindset you're looped in? 

 

They’re trying to help me out of it. Providing some tools to try distract myself in healthy ways but I just don’t find it all that effective. I guess I have a stubborn mind. 

[rayj83]

6 minutes ago, Difficultstuff said:

I think you're going through the very worst of it right now. A real 'dark night of the soul'. I know you often don't see a way out. But this is a journey you're on. It sucks, you don't want to be here, you wish it would go away and that you didn't have to feel like this. But here you are. All I can say is keep on facing it - but remember that you can get through. Other people have been through similar (not the same, you've got your own journey) and come out the other side. 

Yes, you feel you've failed. I know that feeling well. But it's just a feeling, and a signal for you to learn and grow and change emotionally - and growth comes with pain. It's a process, and it's not smooth or easy.

Eventually, hopefully, you'll be able to see all that 'negative stuff' slightly differently, not as proof of failure but just as ways you had of dealing with really difficult situations that were not entirely your responsibility. I think it's courageous of you to be facing this as honestly as you are doing here.

Thank you. I appreciate that. But why can’t I just let go? I still operate under the belief that if I get her back it would all be ok and I could move on with my life. Why did I have to show this side of myself to her? Why couldn’t she just accept it was temporary? Why wasn’t I enough? Why can’t I do anything to get her back? I want her back so badly it’s killing me. There has to be a way. I can’t accept that “the ship has sailed”. I can’t accept she doesn’t want me. She was so in to me. So crazy about me. 
 

I keep thinking there’s got to be a way to change her mind. Get her back to where she was with me right up until all this happened. It’s not like we had a dysfunctional relationship. It was all growing and on a good course until I had this breakdown. So you can understand the self disgust and anger. And, again, seeing I’ve been replaced and she’s turned her self off to me forever. I just can’t accept it. I still hang on to the idea she’ll reconsider. And I want to reach out so badly. But what else can I say? I never got my shot at redemption to fix what went wrong. 
 

Nobody’s got a crystal ball. But will she ever come around? Every minute that goes by is another minute she’s connecting and bonding with him and I’m even more of an after thought. I still can’t believe she threw away what we had. She was very happy. All until the end. Because of my momentary low which convinced her I would be too unstable a partner. 

Edited May 30, 2020 by rayj83

[Difficultstuff]

'Redemption' is bulls***. And it's impossible for one person to come and make it suddenly all better. If you think they can you are very mistaken. As I've been saying, all the stuff you're feeling/thinking/writing about is very common and very natural. The only real answer to all your 'why' questions is that it happened so that you could learn more about yourself and grow into whoever you're supposed to be in the future - all the gifts and talents and qualities you already have, but put somewhere where they can be properly appreciated. The past is done. I think you've got enough integrity and common sense to understand that. The acceptance is - as I've said - a process. It's not about her anymore, it's about you.