preraph Posted April 16, 2020 Share Posted April 16, 2020 You have got to stop letting your penis do the thinking, man. I can see you're remorseful, but just wait until you're old and ill and see how sexy you feel and how it feels to find out the spouse doesn't care if it makes you miserable, if you're uncomfortable or whether you can derive any pleasure from it. If you stay with her, you have got to just not ever hint about sex again. If she starts feeling better, maybe she'll feel more like it, but you need to not bring it up. Knowing how ill she is and in pain, and being suspicious she's cheating, that's nuts. And don't be expecting her to service you. Take care of yourself. It's a loss, yes, but it happens eventually to most people. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted April 17, 2020 Share Posted April 17, 2020 17 hours ago, basil67 said: Have any of those affairs involved someone who was chronically ill? Who knows. I have chronic pain and still enjoy intimacy with my wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author manfool Posted April 17, 2020 Author Share Posted April 17, 2020 Good for you.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted April 17, 2020 Share Posted April 17, 2020 15 hours ago, elaine567 said: oh dear... Sorry... just calling it like I see it. Why should he have to leave? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 17, 2020 Share Posted April 17, 2020 His wife is not your wife. He has admitted his mistakes, he doesn't need to leave, he needs to try and sort this out IMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted April 17, 2020 Share Posted April 17, 2020 The way I read it she is not in love with you. Her feelings have changed. She used your fumbling detective work as an excuse to dump you. That way she doesn't have to lay the real reason out on the table. Never confront unless you have irrefutable evidence. Your problem is that you are trapped by your feelings but don't worry she will scour those feelings right out of you as you hang around waiting for the end. You will end up a hollow shell. She has told you how she feels now you have to push through the mind fog and accept it. Go to the chump lady's website and look up the 180. It's a program that over a period weeks or months will help you detach from feelings so you can make good decisions for yourself and your children. Your first step is to see a lawyer and find out what the legalities are. Your only real option at this moment is to protect yourself and your kids. It doesn't matter any longer if she cheating or not or if she sees you as an impediment to the life she always wanted. She wants out and what you are doing is not going to change her mind. Your only chance is to demonstrate to her what he life will be like without you. The risk is that - she may like it. Go to counseling by yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 17, 2020 Share Posted April 17, 2020 (edited) The way I see it if she let's you stay you will have to do all the work as it relates to the kids, housework, meals, laundry, etc., and not complain in order to not upset her. Invest in porn if you have sexual needs and don't ever bring sex up to her again so she doesn't get stressed out. Stop trying to give her affection because she isn't interested, especially in your love notes. Try to leave her alone as much as possible so she doesn't get aggravated and enjoy the time with your kids. You might consider prayer to help you get through. Good luck. Edited April 17, 2020 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 18, 2020 Share Posted April 18, 2020 21 hours ago, usa1ah said: Who knows. I have chronic pain and still enjoy intimacy with my wife. And I'm sure you know that we don't all react to illness in the same way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted April 18, 2020 Share Posted April 18, 2020 3 hours ago, basil67 said: And I'm sure you know that we don't all react to illness in the same way. Wow I really didn’t know that. Really, your calling me out on this. What ever. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted April 18, 2020 Share Posted April 18, 2020 I don't think there is much to do. You can't leave her now that she needs you the most. You have to have a serious conversation where you apologize for everything and inform her that you understand your mistakes and that you will change from now on. Stop bringing up everything of the past and focus on the now. Be there for her, ask her if she needs anything, be a loving and caring father and husband and be there emotionally to deal with her illnesses. Let the time do some healing. And for god's sake, stop pressing her (and anyone for that matter) for sex. I'm not sure you realize how frustrating it is to be sick and the other person thinking about their own SUPERFICIAL needs. Lack of sex won't kill you. And still there are other ways for you for that matter. Either way, just be a supportive husband and pray she is healthy soon and that all this worry will be a bad nightmare soon. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 This is such a difficult situation for both of you. It sounds like she has been dealing with pain and the after-effects of surgery for some time now. That would make anyone feel that sex is not their greatest priority. You mention she has a high pain threshold though, so if that was the case, then she would have bounced back quicker than most. However, we cannot know what pain others experience. I can completely understand you want the intimacy back, love and affection at least and some understanding that you are missing out because she is feeling unwell. However, there is a lot more to feeling ill than the pain and the consequences of surgery or other treatment; there is the emotional aspect of being in the health system, of waiting for appointments, not being taken seriously at times, going to appointments and not getting an explanation, tests and more tests, while you worry and still suffer. It sounds like you have done your best to support her with the private health insurance. It can still be a long saga for anyone needing a diagnosis and treatment. Why it doesn't happen faster, I do not know. I know that in the UK, this kind of to-ing and fro-ing can go on for years as the system really does not work well for patients. We need one-stop diagnostic centres - it may be the same for you wherever you are based. I suppose what I'm getting at is that not only is she suffering but she is probably frustrated and angry with the health system for all the waits and uncertainties involved. She must be very worried about lumps - something like that can be serious. I think she has lost interest in sex with you, for whatever reason - health or simply boredom with a long-term relationship - and you are sensing it is not just about health. She is probably feeling very unsupported by the health system at the moment and unfortunately, you are getting it in the neck because of that. If you are ill, the pain and distress accumulates and there can be deep anger and frustration at the lack of help and support. Once someone has lost sexual interest in their partner, it is hard to regain that. It means the relationship as a whole has changed. If there is any chance of retrieving this though, I think you should try talking with her about her feelings about the whole process. Let her express her anger and upset about her journey through the health services. Show her you do care about that. She may realise that you are not the one to 'blame' in her distress. However, she may just be shutting off now because she has had a lot to cope with. It sounds like you have done your best to support her, which is fantastic and really you can do no more. Maybe you both need to talk about love and whether it still exists between you. Fundamentally, that is what really matters. If her feelings have changed such that she does not think she loves you any more, then you need to look again to moving out of this relationship. Many do help their exs when they deal with illness; it does not mean you have to live with them though or stay in a romantic relationship if this one is making you unhappy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author manfool Posted April 23, 2020 Author Share Posted April 23, 2020 Well quick update, she has made it clear she can’t get over the errors I have made. The atmosphere is spiralling and the contempt she has for me is growing. We are not working so I am sorry to say we have decided I should move out as soon as I can🤬 I won’t give up on fixing this though, hopefully some time and space will heal🤞 1 Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted April 24, 2020 Share Posted April 24, 2020 Once it gets to the point of resentment and contempt, I don't think the relationship can survive. Even if you ultimately not break up, things aren't going to be the same again. I'd say focus your energy on working on how to co-parent well for the sakes of your children. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted April 25, 2020 Share Posted April 25, 2020 On 4/23/2020 at 5:47 PM, manfool said: Well quick update, she has made it clear she can’t get over the errors I have made. ........ I won’t give up on fixing this though, hopefully some time and space will heal🤞 Unfortunately... you need to think about moving on. The longer you keep you mind in the state that things can be fixed... the longer the hurt and pain will linger. She doesn't want it to be fixed, and if you try... it will push her deeper into that resentment. Focus on the next steps, and your life without her. I'm truly sorry for what has happened. I've been there... you will heal, and come out the other side OK. Link to post Share on other sites
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