no hugs in my family

[Delia]

Hello Everyone. I was wondering if it's normal to been in a family where no one ever shows signs of affection, like hugs and stuff?

 

I think my parents would've been affectionate to us (me and my sisters) when we were really, really little, before the age of 4 or 3, but I don't have any memory of them hugging us or us hugging each other or anything remotely close to being affectionate.

 

I just think we're abnormal or something, because when I'm with my friends' families or when I see people with their families, they seem normal, joking with each other, and all that.

 

I think because of this, I feel very uncomfortable being affectionate towards people, even my own friends, and hugs always feel contrived and unnatural for me. It's not like I'm a frigid, unfeeling person, but I'm just not used to it.

[JS17]

There's really no such thing as normal but you're far from the only person in the world that comes from a family that's not affectionate. Not everyone is comfortable with the touchy feely stuff...even if it's what they want. I agree with you in that I think it has a lot to do with conditioning and your upbringing. *hugs*

[helena abadi]

i came from a family where hugs n stuff didn't happen, and there wasn't much levity, and when i grew older, i felt it had profoundly hurt me. i have no memory of any affection from my mother. the first time she ever hugged when was when i was 18 and i had just come back from a 2 week stay in a psychiatric facility, after i had been admitted for a nervous breakdown, partly due to the ongoing harshness of our family environment. she has rarely hugged me since then. she's not affectionate. period. and hasn't changed.

 

hugs n stuff are essential expressions of tenderness. human beings need to be touched. it is well documented that babies who are cuddled and touched thrive better than babies who are sensorily deprived. one example of this is the situation of orphans in romanian orphanages, who were deprived of affection and touch. this lack affected their development profoundly.

 

no wonder you feel uncomfortable about expressing affection. you haven't had much practice, and it is not your fault.

 

i was determined to be different with my daughters, and i gave them heaps of cuddles and hugs when they were little, and still do. we had an occasional foot massaging and hairbrushing ritual which we still do. i was also into touch therapies such as reiki and massage. i think i wanted to get as far away froom my family's lack of nice touching, as i could. my sister found it more difficult to express affection with her children, but she eventually managed to make some headway.

 

i suggest you try a touch therapy course. it's a safe environment to learn about touch. it helped me a lot.

 

my family didn't joke around with each other much, either. they were not at ease with each other. there was too much tension, like walking on eggshells all the time, tempers that threatened to explode at any time.

 

all in all, a very constraining environment.

 

you are keenly aware of what was missing. some counselling would help you a lot. best of luck. let me know what you think.