Is he really over his ex and ready to commit? or am I too insecure to trust?

[jcruz]

2016
MARCH- I met this guy in a family vacation (will refer to it as SAFE HAVEN) just 3hrs away from home. Each time I went to there back in 2016,  I would just pass by where he worked (beach restaurant), and chat with him for a while. I'm a natural social butterfly, so meeting new people it's VERY easy to me. While he was in his shifts we would just talk about my lifestyle in the metropolitan area, about his being in the coast, my goals and his as well. It was a very reciprocal thing, but no flirting included from my side. For the 3rd visit we already added each other in instagram and snapchat. That same year my 2yr long relationship with my ex was failing, went through cheating and humiliation.

2017
SEPT- When I went to the Safe Haven I had recently broken up with my ex after holding a year of domestic violence, so naturally I would visit his work place to distract myself (0 intentions) and I noticed a change in body language but like when you detect a f***boy, you follow me? He was a little bit flirtier, cockier, etc. When I get back home, I started to look him up in FB because it felt fishy to me and realized he HAD A GF. When he tried to flirt with me through social media, I would ALWAYS bring up his partner and made him understand that I wasn't that kind of girl. Either he RESPECTED ME and treated me as a friend or forget about it. He understood my boundary and we kept talking through social media, where he would ask me for advice regarding college, business or relationship wise and I gladly offered him my knowledge expecting nothing in return.

2018
MARCH- I decided to celebrate my bday in the SAFE HAVEN with my friends, and told him that was a good chance for me to meet his gf (which he had already expressed how jealous she was, towards me and every other female, stupid me gave him advice on how to handle that). I met her, told her how much he talks to me about her whatever, anything to make her feel secure that NOTHING was going on between us, the truth. Then, I proceeded to invite them after their shifts to the apartment I was staying because I was having a get together. She denied and then when he got off the shift he told me she was waiting for him so he just wished me a great bday and left.
 
APRIL- A month later his gf writes me trough IG explaining that she felt insecure and wanted to know if anything happened between us. I was honest told her no, and explained the times he tried to flirt but I made him VERY aware I didn't like it because I respected their relationship and myself.

MAY- He writes to me saying that he will block me because he wanted to make his relationship work, she didn't like me (hurt because I'm very likeable) and asked him to stop having communication with me. I understood, advised him not to, it was unhealthy but respected his decision.

JUNE- He unblocked me, said he was sorry and I continued to listen to him and advise him.

OCT- He did the same thing because she asked for it AGAIN. At that point I felt mad and taken advantage of, so I blocked him everywhere because I knew he was going to come back.

2019
APRIL- I came in differently, I stopped being everyone's therapist, because I finished healing my damn past. I went on a road trip for a friend's birthday and there was a stop, guess where... yup, in the Safe Haven. VENGEFUL ME KNEW, I had to go to his restaurant because I wanted him to apologize to my face. Just so my mind could have peace knowing that he acknowledged I was a truly great friend and that he was selfish using my friendship to fix his emotional damage and not even care for mine as much as I did with his. Well, he did apologize and I let that grudge go. But f***ing lucky me, he was now starting the breaking up process in his toxic relationship. I added him on social media, and just helped him out but not with the same intensity I used to. I gave him the words I wanted to hear when I was on my abusive relationship. Then we hung out for my "post" bday a week later outside of his job, nothing obviously happened, I was no one's rebound. I was distant though, I was tired of carrying his emotional burden because I noticed he was codependent.

JUNE-  he invited me to a party in MY AREA, I accepted but reluctantly, I really thought I was going to come up with an excuse to ditch him, but when I did, it was too late, he already drove 3hrs. with his friend to my area. I didn't even allow him to pick me up. After that he went back to the coast, I continued with my life, but we talked over social media, and left him VERY clear he needed time alone to heal and fix himself.

AUG- As this process went on, he came back to my area with his friend to hang out. I was slightly drunk so when we were saying goodbye I kissed him lightly. I apologized, explained it to him, made it clear to him again that he needs time alone. Communication continued the same, I get to know him better, he is hardworking, full time student, has very clear goals, funny, has initiative and was respectful to me, but still mentioned his ex not in an insulting way but in a hurtful way. He knew that there were some boundaries he shouldn't even try with me.
 
DEC- I start to talk to him in more of a daily basis, because he ALWAYS wrote to me first even though I would ignore his messages for DAYS.

2020
JAN- When I came back from my new years overseas vacation I visited him in the Safe Haven, because my inner f***girl (which wasn't interested in sex but do play with his hopes) also dedicated herself (from Aug to Dec) to sell him dreams and hopes of me going back to the coast to visit for another casual hang out. I kind felt guilty so I passed by surprised, he seemed genuinely happy. So 2 weeks after, him and my bff planned a "surprise" visit were I lived. I really got shocked that he drove the 6hrs for just a 3hr visit.

FEB-  I agreed to start dating but I always chose the dates to be in MY area just to actually prove if he really is committed as he mentioned in the surprise visit. He has NEVER missed one, or put a "but" nor arrived 5 mins late.

April- Fast forward to today, he listens to me, for my bday due to quarantine we couldn't spend my bday together but still he sent me gifts, we facetime every time, BUT occasionally he still mentions the hurtful things his ex did to him. I'm scared he might go back with her and well block me again...

AM I to insecure? is he ready?

[schlumpy]

10 hours ago, jcruz said:

AM I to insecure? is he ready?

He should be. You certainly spent enough time grooming him.

[stillafool]

I can't believe you've spent 4 years trying to get this guy.  I would think you'd have another bf by now and left this guy and his gf in your rear view.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, schlumpy said:

He should be. You certainly spent enough time grooming him.

That was my first thought, too. 

OP, for someone who says that you "made him understand that I wasn't that kind of girl," you certainly spent a long time being exactly that kind of girl. The sense of entitlement in your post is something else. 

To answer your question, you have a reason not to trust him. He showed you he was willing to get too close to someone else (you) while he was in a relationship. You just might wind up being the worried girlfriend in this case, while another woman who's "not that kind of girl" get her hooks in him.

 

[d0nnivain]

You are both broken,  You wanted him for 4 years even though you deny it.  You wouldn't have kept this up for so long if you didn't want him all that time.  The way you write about it shows how important getting him has always been to you.  Now that you have him you think it was easy to lure him away from his GF & you fear he will do to you what he did with her, have an EA on the side. 

Since you have been official he's been a good guy.  Stop letting your paranoia get the best of you but do keep your eyes open.  

[kendahke]

19 hours ago, jcruz said:

I met her, told her how much he talks to me about her, anything to make her feel secure that NOTHING was going on between us,

Pro tip:

No woman wants to hear that mess from another woman who's orbiting her man.

Quote

A month later his gf writes me trough IG explaining that she felt insecure and wanted to know if anything happened between us.

But f***ing lucky me, he was now starting the breaking up process in his toxic relationship.

Their relationship wasn't toxic until you came to town and meddled in it.

And he only used that term to justify him emotionally cheating on her with a willing you---any woman whose partner's behavior places her in that position would react the exact same way she did.  You'll find out.

But what goes around comes around.

That's why you're worried.

 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

You are full of drama, and you played a key role in the failure of his relationship. As soon as you found out he had a girlfriend, you should have ended contact--especially after you became aware she didn't want you in the picture. I'm willing to bet despite your "we're just friends" phoniness (you wanted him for yourself), she could see right through you. Are you proud of what you've done??

[Amethyst68]

You sure played the long game here. You made sure the GF knew exactly who you were and how much of a stake you had their relationship.

Not that kind of girl? Really?

Congratulations! It took you 4 years but you've ended up exactly where you wanted to be...

[lifeoflies]

On 4/16/2020 at 5:35 PM, kendahke said:

orbiting her man

I have never heard that expression before.  "orbiting women" ...it's better than saying sneaky manipulative
women.

[kendahke]

9 hours ago, lifeoflies said:

I have never heard that expression before.  "orbiting women" ...it's better than saying sneaky manipulative
women.

it's used a lot around here to describe beta guys who try to use the friendship route for trying to machine their way into a relationship with a chick already in a relationship.

I didn't feel it necessary to belabor the point.

Edited April 23, 2020 by kendahke

[lifeoflies]

28 minutes ago, kendahke said:

it's used a lot around here to describe beta guys who try to use the friendship route for trying to machine their way into a relationship with a chick already in a relationship.

thank you.  "orbiting', "machining" ,"bread crumbing" .  a whole new vernacular used to describe these guys and their behavior. 

God knows we deserve it let me just state that up front. 

I'm trying to imagine this nasty guy "breadcrumbing" an "orbiting"  woman in preparation for "machining" his way into a "relationship".

[lifeoflies]

41 minutes ago, kendahke said:

I didn't feel it necessary to belabor the point.

to the informed reader your description is efficient.  thank you

[JTSW]

You caused the breakdown of their relationship for your own selfish gain.

 

[kendahke]

9 hours ago, lifeoflies said:

I'm trying to imagine this nasty guy "breadcrumbing" an "orbiting"  woman in preparation for "machining" his way into a "relationship".

You've got it wrong... that's not how it works. They don't want the relationship with someone they've put in the friendzone.

The rejected person in the friendzone is the one orbiting and trying to manipulate their way into a relationship, like the OP in this thread.

[lifeoflies]

2 hours ago, kendahke said:

You've got it wrong... that's not how it works. They don't want the relationship with someone they've put in the friendzone.

The "friendzone".  Yet another word in the language of deceit.  Maybe i am still confused. To be perfectly honest, a man who is cheating on his wife isn't looking for a "friend".  If anything the "friendzone" is  a temporary position.  If i get the term "breadcrumbing" correct, I would imagine the "friendzone" is a form of "breadcrumbing".  Why have a "friend" who can get you in so much trouble with your wife?    Unless its a FWB (you guys know what that is), but a platonic friend?  No way.  my parrot is my friend.  A married guy better not have "friends",  it's simply not worth the risk.  I assume orbiting isn't a passive state.  orbiting is a calculated effort to a guy know she is available.  the "friendzone" is not a place a man would think up.  A true female friend is actually very rare and, if you can manage it, the best friend to have.

[preraph]

Yeah, that was a long game of manipulation to position him where you wanted him.  Hope you aren't also lying to yourself about your motives.  Obviously you were not just interested in friendship with this guy and certainly not with his girlfriend.  She was a smart cookie and, like most women, can see right through manipulations like these, whereas men want to believe it's all legit because it's so good for their egos.  They choose not to see how much lying and manipulation they are party to.  

[JTSW]

In answer to your question, No, he's n it going to get over his this over night. 

You would be wise to back off and leave him alone after you caused so many problems for him.