Bf lied to me, I broke up, he wants a second chance.

[Anna888]

Hello everybody. I was in a loving relationship with this guy for 1 year and 3 months. I'm 24, he's 29. We never really had a fight, we had a lot in common and similar goals.

In September he moved to another country to study, and I would too soon, as I would have a job interview this February in the same town. That's when everything fell apart.  I came to visit him a few days before the interview. I completely trusted this man, and would never snoop around his stuff but one thing made me to do exactly that. As we were facetiming with his parents on his phone, he was recieving multiple messages from a Ukrainian girl he never mentioned. After the facetime he said it was his classmate and was asking something about school on Instagram.  It seemed odd to me, but I didn't react. 3 days have passed, he left his phone at home every day he went to work but I didn't check trough his messages until the fourth day. I felt really bad about doing it but something felt fishy.  That's when I found out he's been texting that girl since November, friendly but flirty. She knows about me and she told him he's like a big brother to her. They wrote about nursing school, exchanged memes but also talked about sexual stuff, what they like, what he would want to do (with me). 

The most shocking thing I found out is that they went out 1 time (in a group of friends) but later he spent the night over at her place, alone with her. And nothing happened.  (This is what he wrote to his friend, he was kinda bragging that he could have f***ed her but didn't.  And I assume if they had sex or anything else he would brag about it to this friend). I thought he was alone with a male friend that night, and slept there,that's what he told me but now I know the truth.

The second thing is, he went to a library to study with her (again, he told me that day he was studying with his male friend), and later they went out drinking again and spending the night at her place. 

I was completely devastated,  I was never jealous,  I never forbid him to have female friends as I too have a lot of male buddies. He wouldn't lie to me if there wasn't something to hide. He haven't had sex with her, or fooled around,  the only reason I believe that are the messages,  which seem friendly from her side, he was giving her a fair share of compliments though. I believe he only didn't cheat because she wasn't that interested, but that's obviously what he was aiming for.

I immediately got diarrhea, almost threw up,  I think I had a mini panic attack.  I managed to pack all my stuff, waited for him to come back from work  and I left him, the day before my job interview. He confessed he went out with her behind my back, when I asked why he did It he said he thought I would be mad if he had female friends because his ex was a jealous freak, which made no sense because he has female friends and  I never said anything about that. He apologized, started crying and asked me to stay the night over so he could explain himself and ask for a second chance. He truly was remorseful but I couldn't.  I left,  he even followed my bus on his bike to ask me again not to leave on the train station. 

Now it's two months since the breakup, and I'm heartbroken. I really love his family and until I found all that out i really thought he was the kindest person,  I could easily imagine myself marrying him,  there were no red flags, he didn't cheat on his previous partners (at least that's what he said) and everyone only had good words for him. That's what makes this so hard, I still believe he's a good person even though he betrayed me.

I got a dozen of messages saying how he can't believe he screwed it al up, apologizing, etc. He deleted his Instagram and blocked her on WhatsApp the day I left him.  I haven't answered his messages until a few days ago. He wanted to come to my country to talk to me but due this corona situation it's impossible and he asked me if we could speak on the phone, and I agreed because the last time I didn't hear him out the last time we saw each other. 

He really sounded sincere.  He told me that was the biggest mistake of his life,  he hates himself for doing it to me (knowing that I was cheated on in my last relationship). He broke down telling me that It eats him up causing me such pain. I asked 100 questions and he answered, in detail. He said he didn't touch her but he did like the attention of talking and flirting,  that he was feeding his ego, was acting like a teenager and knew what damage he had done. He knows what he had now he has lost it.  

I know he is honest now saying that he wouldn't ever do it again, but there is no guarantee. 

I know some people will say he didn't technically cheat,  but to me everything you wouldn't do in front of your partner is cheating, and he crossed a line big time. Maybe he didn't cheat only because I caught him on time. 

I don't know why, but after the phone call I really don't think he would do it again, he even told his parents everything,  they are devastated.  

This is the first time something like this happened, he was a great boyfriend till I found out. Maybe I could forgive him  but trusting again would be hard.

Do you think this was a one time thing? Do I give him a second chance just to be sure? 

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted you to know all the details so I could get more honest answers. Thanks in advance. 

And sorry for bad spelling,  I'm not a native English speaker.

 

Edited April 16, 2020 by Anna888

[schlumpy]

9 hours ago, Anna888 said:

I know he is honest now saying that he wouldn't ever do it again, but there is no guarantee. 

 

Your language skills are nothing to apologize for. I had no problem following your thoughts.

Yes, as you aware, there are no guarantees and I see his damage control is working on you and making you doubt yourself as the anger and shock dissipate.

Whether you take someone back or not is a personal decision. A second chance is not out of the question if through his actions he can restore your trust in him. Usually that involves a sacrifice on the part of the cheater.

It's up to you to decide how much he has to bring to the table before you take him back. Make the price too high and it will destroy what is left of your relationship but if the price is too low then he the odds of him cheating again will be high.

You have to put all the practical and emotional variables into a relationship formulae that will give you the desired outcome.

Has he offered you unfettered access to his phone and all his media? Will you demand couples counseling? 

[Anna888]

36 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

Has he offered you unfettered access to his phone and all his media? Will you demand couples counseling? 

Thank you schlumpy for your kind answer.  

No, he hasn't offered that, (yet) but he did send me screenshots of everything I asked about. But I see your point, because that's the only way to restore trust after this incident. 

I wish we could go to couples counseling but we are living now in different countries, I just finished Uni and as soon as this Corona situation stops, I'll go find a job in that country because that was my plan even before I met him. In that case it would be an option.

[d0nnivain]

He did not cheat but he did lie. . . & it was a slippery slope.  His behavior was not OK.  A one time screw up, OMG I kissed somebody while drunk at a party I could get past once because that may not happen again but lying is too easy to do again, especially in an LDR.  

Only you know whether you think he's sincere.  If you do forgive him this once, that is OK. But if he does it again you'd be a fool to ever trust him again.  

[Anna888]

Yes, it would be a lot easier to forgive a single drunken kiss than months of chatting and all the other stuff. That's exactly what I was thinking. I know I'm the one who has to make a decision. Thanks a lot for replying, it helps me to see a second opinion. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I would not give him another chance, no. 

He has shown you that you can't trust him. And he didn't stop on his own volition. He stopped because you caught him. You yourself said that intent to cheat obviously there; he was putting himself in the position to have sex with her. And yes, it probably would have happened had you not stumbled on this.  Therefore, the problem isn't necessarily this specific girl but his overall lack of investment in you. He isn't cut out for commitment and monogamy at this point in his life. 

I would personally be done. He's not who he pretended to be. Sorry. 

[preraph]

This just reinforces my belief that with a lot of guys, if their gf isn't right there with them physically, they will cheat because of 1) long distance and more importantly 2) because they're not likely to get caught because of being long distance.  I believe he was trying to.  Like you said, he was flirty with her.  She probably just wasn't interested that way.  

Trouble is if you take him back, and you get married, let's say he takes a traveling job sometime or has to go to a business convention, he already knows you'll take him back, and if he was tempted enough (like men often are at conventions - someone always hires a hooker to entertain), he'd probably do it.  I'm sure he's remorseful, but being remorseful doesn't stop any of them from doing it again if the right situation presents herself. 

Look, I can't tell you.  I mean, maybe he'll be a great husband, but you'll never be able to trust him when you're not with him.  And honestly, I'm 67, and most guys I've known, young or old, will cheat in some manner they justify, no matter what their relationship status, with the right opportunity.  

Here's one instance that made me just throw my hands up and give up on thinking there were faithful men you could trust.  My favorite aunt and uncle been married for decades.  They were both such attractive people.  Lived in small towns.  He was very unusual because he just bent over backwards doing things for her.  For a man from his generation (WWII), it seemed like he did most of the housework.  They both had jobs.  Anyway, he was just so loving to all of us relatives and such an above and beyond gentleman, and he just worshipped his wife.  

 

So when he was probably 60 or 65, he visited a miscreant relative who was about the same age, but getting dementia, and had turned into an alcoholic after his divorce.  This guy always had a party going and young people who wanted free booze (it was very poor up there) would hang out and it got very degenerate.  I had been there anytime I went up that way to see my mom.  Anyway, so my uncle apparently got drunk enough that the alcoholic relative basically just foisted one of these young women on him for a BJ and she got a ways into it before he kind of realized what was going on and then was horrified with himself (or that's his version).  He knew it would get out because of mutual relatives, so he had to confess to his wife.  I was very disappointed to hear my sainted uncle had fallen, truly.  He was a role model.  He still is, but just goes to show under the right circumstances, men will be tempted to cheat.  You know, he didn't have to be up there drinking to begin with and participating.  He could have left when things got loose.  But part of him wanted to do that or he wouldn't have.  My aunt made him never take one drink ever again, and he did that.  

 

Now, all that said, not sure, because the aunt might have had an affair sometime herself.  We'll never know.  She did have a married friend who became her bf after the uncle's death.   The guy seemed totally gay to me, so not sure what was up there, but they had a lot of fun together.     Again, we'll never know.  

 

Thing is marriage, if it lasts a long time, that's a lot of times you'd have to be worried; but pragmatically speaking, you really have to worry anyway, because I believe most will do it under the right circumstances.  So six of one, half dozen of the other.  So yeah, if you stay, make some conditions, but remember there are always second phones if they really want to and computers at work.  

[Anna888]

Wow. I have no words. I wonder if there even are people who haven't cheated/been cheated on. The older I get, the more stories like this I hear. Thanks for your replies, and for the story. It really hit me hard. We people are just animals I guess. 

He has offered me unlimited access to all his social media and he even purchased some self help books so I guess that's a good start. I guess I would still worry with a different parter as you said. I'll give it some time and evaluate his actions and see how I feel.

Thanks again for all your honest replies 

[healing light]

I wouldn't give this cheater a second chance simply because a lot of people end up cheating. 

He consciously lied to you for months on end. That's not like some accidental oopsies moment. Not that losing your cognitive faculties at a party and banging one out feels much better to the betrayed partner, but what this man did was intentional. He was trying to make this happen for a while; that would bother me more than two co-workers who got closer and closer by circumstances where they couldn't avoid each other and before you know it.... No, this guy sounds like he was actively trying to create opportunities for it to happen and I believe you're right in your assessment that it would have had she been more interested or less opposed knowing he had a girlfriend.

It sounded like he was looking to cheat rather than having fallen into it.

[Mystery4u]

From everything you have posted... it sounds like he was just really enjoying the attention. The question is why he needed attention from another woman, why was the attention from his girlfriend not enough for him?

As mentioned he did not cheat per se, but he did lie to you. Whether that's something you can forgive only you can answer. Everyone will have their own different view.

Personally if my girlfriend did something similar, I don't think I would be able to trust her again. And without trust, there is no relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, healing light said:

He consciously lied to you for months on end. That's not like some accidental oopsies moment. Not that losing your cognitive faculties at a party and banging one out feels much better to the betrayed partner, but what this man did was intentional. He was trying to make this happen for a while; that would bother me more than two co-workers who got closer and closer by circumstances where they couldn't avoid each other and before you know it.... No, this guy sounds like he was actively trying to create opportunities for it to happen and I believe you're right in your assessment that it would have had she been more interested or less opposed knowing he had a girlfriend.

It sounded like he was looking to cheat rather than having fallen into it.

All of this, exactly. 

I would personally never be able to trust this guy again. There's a deeper issues with honesty and integrity here, and his ability to lie and deceive would place him firmly in my rear-view mirror. 

I realize easier said than done, OP, when your heart was invested. Only you can decide if you want to bother investing it further in someone who was clearly not invested in you. 

[kendahke]

Self-discipline is one of the hardest things for a lot of people to master, as they believe that if they're feeling lonely due to a girl/boyfriend or spouse not being in close proximity,  them alleviating their boredom/need for attention/horniness in the moment is a right they're entitled to and is way more important that respecting the esteem of the relationship.

While he may be repentant right now, it's only because he got caught doing something he had no business doing. The way in which he proceeded illustrates the fact that had you not taken a look at his cell phone, this would still be going on behind your back.

Quote

they went out 1 time (in a group of friends) but later he spent the night over at her place, alone with her. And nothing happened.  (This is what he wrote to his friend, he was kinda bragging that he could have f***ed her but didn't.

Ask him: if you did the exact same thing to him behind his back and hid it from him, would he be keen on giving you a second chance? (Most likely, his bravado would say "yes", but that's because he's in damage control mode, but the true answer is "not 'no', but 'hell no'").  The fact that he didn't go through with it isn't the issue: it's the fact that he put himself in that position that he was entitled and in the right to do this in the first place, which speaks to how he really views your relationship now that it's long distance: you're not there and he's got needs. Not once did he consider how his behavior would have made you feel until after he was busted.

Not everyone is cut out for LDR's. They do well in close proximity relationships because it's easier for them to get attention/their needs met when you're only 15 minutes away.  Once that logistic changes to one of you being in a whole 'nother country, a less disciplined person is going to revert to being the only thing that they can be: their true selves.

The thing is now, you'll never know if what he's telling you is the truth and the quest you'll have to launch yourself onto to constantly be checking up on him is going to age you before your time. Don't squander your youth like that. Find a guy who's got self discipline and doesn't need to chase other women behind your back then lie about what he's doing. Lies never stay buried.

Edited April 22, 2020 by kendahke

[miranda561]

On 4/16/2020 at 4:17 AM, Anna888 said:

Hello everybody. I was in a loving relationship with this guy for 1 year and 3 months. I'm 24, he's 29. We never really had a fight, we had a lot in common and similar goals.

In September he moved to another country to study, and I would too soon, as I would have a job interview this February in the same town. That's when everything fell apart.  I came to visit him a few days before the interview. I completely trusted this man, and would never snoop around his stuff but one thing made me to do exactly that. As we were facetiming with his parents on his phone, he was recieving multiple messages from a Ukrainian girl he never mentioned. After the facetime he said it was his classmate and was asking something about school on Instagram.  It seemed odd to me, but I didn't react. 3 days have passed, he left his phone at home every day he went to work but I didn't check trough his messages until the fourth day. I felt really bad about doing it but something felt fishy.  That's when I found out he's been texting that girl since November, friendly but flirty. She knows about me and she told him he's like a big brother to her. They wrote about nursing school, exchanged memes but also talked about sexual stuff, what they like, what he would want to do (with me). 

The most shocking thing I found out is that they went out 1 time (in a group of friends) but later he spent the night over at her place, alone with her. And nothing happened.  (This is what he wrote to his friend, he was kinda bragging that he could have f***ed her but didn't.  And I assume if they had sex or anything else he would brag about it to this friend). I thought he was alone with a male friend that night, and slept there,that's what he told me but now I know the truth.

The second thing is, he went to a library to study with her (again, he told me that day he was studying with his male friend), and later they went out drinking again and spending the night at her place. 

I was completely devastated,  I was never jealous,  I never forbid him to have female friends as I too have a lot of male buddies. He wouldn't lie to me if there wasn't something to hide. He haven't had sex with her, or fooled around,  the only reason I believe that are the messages,  which seem friendly from her side, he was giving her a fair share of compliments though. I believe he only didn't cheat because she wasn't that interested, but that's obviously what he was aiming for.

I immediately got diarrhea, almost threw up,  I think I had a mini panic attack.  I managed to pack all my stuff, waited for him to come back from work  and I left him, the day before my job interview. He confessed he went out with her behind my back, when I asked why he did It he said he thought I would be mad if he had female friends because his ex was a jealous freak, which made no sense because he has female friends and  I never said anything about that. He apologized, started crying and asked me to stay the night over so he could explain himself and ask for a second chance. He truly was remorseful but I couldn't.  I left,  he even followed my bus on his bike to ask me again not to leave on the train station. 

Now it's two months since the breakup, and I'm heartbroken. I really love his family and until I found all that out i really thought he was the kindest person,  I could easily imagine myself marrying him,  there were no red flags, he didn't cheat on his previous partners (at least that's what he said) and everyone only had good words for him. That's what makes this so hard, I still believe he's a good person even though he betrayed me.

I got a dozen of messages saying how he can't believe he screwed it al up, apologizing, etc. He deleted his Instagram and blocked her on WhatsApp the day I left him.  I haven't answered his messages until a few days ago. He wanted to come to my country to talk to me but due this corona situation it's impossible and he asked me if we could speak on the phone, and I agreed because the last time I didn't hear him out the last time we saw each other. 

He really sounded sincere.  He told me that was the biggest mistake of his life,  he hates himself for doing it to me (knowing that I was cheated on in my last relationship). He broke down telling me that It eats him up causing me such pain. I asked 100 questions and he answered, in detail. He said he didn't touch her but he did like the attention of talking and flirting,  that he was feeding his ego, was acting like a teenager and knew what damage he had done. He knows what he had now he has lost it.  

I know he is honest now saying that he wouldn't ever do it again, but there is no guarantee. 

I know some people will say he didn't technically cheat,  but to me everything you wouldn't do in front of your partner is cheating, and he crossed a line big time. Maybe he didn't cheat only because I caught him on time. 

I don't know why, but after the phone call I really don't think he would do it again, he even told his parents everything,  they are devastated.  

This is the first time something like this happened, he was a great boyfriend till I found out. Maybe I could forgive him  but trusting again would be hard.

Do you think this was a one time thing? Do I give him a second chance just to be sure? 

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted you to know all the details so I could get more honest answers. Thanks in advance. 

And sorry for bad spelling,  I'm not a native English speaker.

 

I believe once a cheater, always a cheater (he had those intentions). It takes a special kind of person to think that kind of behaviour is acceptable. Should you take him back? No way. Remove from all social media, block and delete number and move on.

Sorry. 

Edited May 11, 2020 by miranda561