suffering

[Quokka]

Hi everyone,

So while I try to not sound like a crazy person. I may come off as one. I haven't done anything actually crazy but my own head is causing me to feel great pain and suffering. I probably need a therapist but I am a 23M college student who is unable to recieve medicare or any kind of single payer health care currently so I am reaching out here. I hope this is okay!

I know some of you will go through my old posts and that's okay, you should! I am just having the hardest time currently. I miss my ex-girlfriend and I feel like nothing can replace the love I once felt. I have done all of the things "they" suggest to do. I've nearly underwent every change possible in hopes to help my process of moving on. I've dated other women, I've changed my outlook, I've become a better person (in my own terms), I've started working out, picking up new hobbies being music, I've started going to college to focus on a career as nurse. I could go on and on. But, for some reason I cannot get over my ex.

I'm starting to feel like there is something wrong with me. Like there HAS to be something wrong with me at this point. It's one of the worst feelings I have ever felt. I have women currently talking to me trying to get my attention but I cannot make myself feel anything for them and I really really try! I promise I do. Yet, when it's just me, alone in my room all I can do is think about my ex and the times we had shared. Most of the memories I have come from my teenage years. 

Brief history: We met when I was 16 and she was 18. She lived on her own (wealthy parents). I was immediately drawn to her. I could tell you exactly what she was wearing to this day. I never believed in love at first sight but I know I was immediately infatuated with this woman. She was with a woman at the time which I was totally okay with, I just wanted to get to know her more. One day they broke up and we had already been speaking casually in terms of friendship and she invited me over. From there, a friendship blossomed. We were inseparable. We did everything together to the point where we lived with each other. We did acid for the first time together, and that is the first night that we slept with each other and from then on out it was me and her. If I was ever into trouble, I could call her and she would be there and she would call me and I would do the same. For example, she wrecked her car drunk and called me crying and I came to pick her up because she had ran from the scene as her car was unable to operate anymore, I took her home and put her in bed and proceeded to tell her it would all be okay. Fast forward two years later and I wrecked my vehicle drunk and I called her and she did the same exact thing for me. I'm not condoning drinking and driving by any means but simply trying to convey that we had each others backs in terrible situations.

Eventually, we had a fallout as most couples do. She had cheated on me on a trip out of town and I no longer trusted her, we tried to make it work but she didn't put in the necessary work to recover from it. I was working so hard to put both of us into a home. working 60+ hours a week. I literally thought this was the woman I was going to settle down with and have children with. I thought I had forgiven her but my jealousy arose with every movement she made. Every time the phone would ding I would have something similar to PTSD. This led to our downfall and inevitable breakup.

Currently, as it stands she is engaged to another man. I caught her talking to him while we were trying to make things work. They have been together for 9 months and got engaged on month 5! I found this baffling. Me and her had continued communication and physical contact while they have been together, she has even left their home to spend nights at a mutual friends just to be able to hangout with me. We have hung out, spent nights together on the couch, etc. But no physical contact other than hugging. Me and her current friend are also best friends as I got to know her from knowing my ex. The reason we are friends is because in her friends words "If you had f***ed her over it would be different but, she f***ed you over and you did nothing to her or me so we're friends"

Today, I received a phone call from her friend saying that her and her fiance had come over to hang out and that it was so awkward for every party in the room. Her friend said she didn't even know her anymore because the fiance seemed so "controlling". I asked if she saw any signs of abuse and she said no. So I said well what do you think this is? And she replied "I don't know, but they are definitely not going to work out". Right now, it seems she is entirely up her fiances ass and holding onto every word yet, 2 months ago we were on the couch sleeping together while he laid in bed on his own. 

My emotions are tied. I love this woman. Her best friend says they are not going to work out and knowing her best friend, she will do anything in her power to prevent a potential marriage. Not that she would intervene in the case of, but she would definitely make the case of why they shouldn't get married. In knowing all of this I feel so tied. Her friend believes I should prepare myself to not become a rebound in the case that they do break up.

TLDR; I love this woman, I cannot move on, I am best friends with her best friends, her current engagement is a sham, and I am currently hanging on to every word and sign that she may come back. I don't want to live like this anymore but do not want to live in a world without her in it.

Dislcaimer: I never stalked her and I still do not. So do not confuse my infatuation or inability to move on with stalking because I do not allow myself to engage in that type of behavior. I realize this woman has every right to do whatever she wants to do with her life but her actions and her current relationship all point to failure and we have a long history.

[Ellener]

You are very young. Who do you lean on for support? 

There's a free online volunteer counselling service Seven Cups of Tea and your college probably has inexpensive resources for support too, look into them.

 

[d0nnivain]

You are not crazy but you aren't doing everything to get over her.  You aren't even doing anything. 

Step one:  stop all contact.  Seriously.  Unfriend / unfollow on all social media.  Block her # in your phone.  Delete her email & block that too.  Tell all mutual friends you do not want any info about her. 

Step two grieve the loss of what you had.  It's OK to cry.  Tears are cathartic.  You lost something.  You thought this was forever & it wasn't.  You worked hard to make it something but it ended.  That hurts.  Stop thinking there is something wrong with you because you are upset.  It's part of the process. 

Step three: purge.  Box up all the stuff, the mementos, the gifts, the pictures etc.  Delete all cell phone & computer photos.  If you can't delete save them to a thumb drive & throw that in the box.  Tape up the box really well. .. . like obsessively crazy well.   Put the box in the attic or in the back of the most inaccessible closet.  

Step four:  keep yourself busy.  In lock down that is hard but zoom with your friends; throw yourself into your school work; take an on line not for credit class; exercise as much as you can in your house; take a walk if it's safe to do so; just move.  It will help. 

If you still feel awful reach out to one of the many on line FREE mental health services that have popped up.  I'm sure your school is offering something.  

Somewhere in here you also have to recognize that she is not a good person.  She's a cheater.  Let that sink in.  She is cheating on her FI with you.  That makes her scum.  When you see her in that light it should be easier to let go of her.  

Hang in there.  

 

 

[Irmaa]

I believe with this Coronavirus going one we are dweling even more in our thoughts, in our pasts.  The fact that it was you who broke up with her makes it even more difficult for you. It is always easier when someone breaks up with you, ghosts.. I mean you get over quicker, at least in my case. But also, you experienced those feelings after her cheating and that is the way you reacted because we react differently. You can´t change who you were then, nor you shouldn´t, but maybe you would take things differently now. In any case, think honesty, the fact that she cheated on you maybe could help you in your healing journey! and see things clearer.