Male in affair

[Gumbeaux41]

Long time lurker first time poster. I probably know the answers to the questions I am going to ask from reading the forms but I think writing is helping me. I will try to cut my story short as it is long. I have been married for 26 years and have 2 kids in college. In 2004 I caught my wife in a full blown 2 year affair. I approached her and she admitted to everything and I we decided to stay married. At that same time I had started an emotional affair with a former co worker, we will call her Michelle.

I felt myself falling for her but she cut it off at that time. We both went on with our lives with no contact. Fast forward to 2018 I reached out to Michelle on FB and we connected. Well this is where it gets interesting. We started a full blown affair, the same as everyone else cant get her out of my head, leaving our spouses, yes she is married. In Jan 2019 she kicked him out and filed for divorce, I left my wife for a week then went back. She took him back and then again she kicked him out. I moved out again for a month and we were together sneaking around.

Then out of the clear blue she text me that he was going back home and it was over. I broke down and went home, wife was very helpful but didnt know what the issue was, she just knew I was upset. I was home for 2 days and Michelle calls and says she messed up and should not have done that. From that point on she kicked him out and let him back several times. I never left because I felt she didnt know what the hell she wanted. this went on thru the holidays. We were supposed to get an apt together in Nov 2019 but I had a transition in work so this was put on hold.

In March of this year she made up her mind and got her own apartment. She moved in on Saturday and we spent a few evenings together. On Wednesday we were together and the next day I was going to tell my kids I was leaving. Well Wednesday night after I left she went to her moms and said she had to go to her house to bring her daughter something. Well she did not txt that night and ended up staying at her house. I then told her to get lost, and she moved back home on Saturday. So one week in her apartment. We started talking again and I could tell she was pulling away.

One night 2 weeks ago I told her to leave me alone and play with someone else emotions. She then blocked me from everything and had no contact, until today. She caught me passing by her house and unblocked me last night and sent me a message to stop passing. We are txt this morning casually about work etc. 

Everyone always talks about the woman's feelings but not about the mans feelings.

What do I do, I have feelings for her tremendously, and cannot get her out of my head. 

 

 

Edited April 18, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[stillafool]

If you guys want each other why do you continue to return to your spouses every time?  Why don't you both move out, get your own places, date and be together and if a problem between you arises start seeing other people?  Why go back to unhappy marriages?

[Starswillshine]

This is an extremely toxic situation. For your, for her, and for your spouses. I feel most for them. 

Basically, get your head out of your rear. She isnt a catch. And neither are you. Divorce your wife. Ditch this woman. And fix yourself. 

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, stillafool said:

If you guys want each other why do you continue to return to your spouses every time?  

Very good question. There is nothing stopping the two of you from being together.

I don’t just feel for your spouses, I’m trying to understand why they continue to take you both back... This is an increasingly toxic situation, in both your marriages and your relationship with this other woman.

But seriously, at this point I wouldn’t consider her a very good risk. She says one thing and does another. Feelings aside, you don’t really want to trust your future to this woman, do you? Let’s not even consider the fact that she has shown you what she thinks of monogamy and honesty, she doesn’t know where she is going to be sleeping on any given night... 

I’ll say to you what I say to a lot of women on this board... I’m sorry that you have been hurt, but you need to raise your bar as it relates to your life partner. And, get yourself some counselling because you have made some epically bad decisions here...
 

Edited April 16, 2020 by BaileyB

[notmyfinestmoment]

Hi Gumbeaux41,

Welcome to the board....  

While I was not in the exact same situation (I was an Divorced OW with a MM), I can empathize with your situation.   My xMM and I were together a little over a year and were in love (the typical amazing connection like no other).  He wanted to have a future together, but could not bring himself to pull the trigger after 3 different feeble attempts over the course of a year to have the "I'm not in love with you" conversation with his wife.   Each time, the indecision would cause me to step away.   I think even if he had found the courage to leave, he would probably follow the same pattern your MW has taken (keep going back).   Leaving a marriage is difficult, even in the worst of circumstances.  Also if the spouse wants to work on the marriage, many feel that they should at least try.  And lets not forget about the guilt you feel when your kids are hurt when the family is not the same anymore (while many people exiting a marriage can live with hurting their spouse, many can't live with the hurt the kids experience when going through the process of a divorce, so that causes a lot of "pause" as well).   You are both caught in a lot of indecision and will continue to hurt one another (and your spouses) until you break the cycle.

What I would suggest is that you both go NC.   I don't say that lightly....I have been in it for 3 months and it is pretty horrible (I still think of him frequently each day), however, it is the only way to give yourself the space and time to think clearly to make sure you are both doing this for the right reasons.   One of both of you may realize that your marriage is worth saving.  If that is the case, you will  have to process the grief of losing the relationship (and I won't lie, it is really painful) or you may both decide you are both what each other wants (that won't be an easy process either, but I have seen some that make their way through it).   Either way, taking a step back and making some decisions without each other's presence usually seems to be the best route to take.

Keep posting, we will be here to help you navigate through this.

Edited April 16, 2020 by notmyfinestmoment

[pepperbird]

Op, are you still angry at your wife for cheating on you?

Edited April 16, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[BaileyB]

Good question, particularly considering that this appears to have started as a revenge affair. 
Still, it would seem that he is more focused on his OW and the pain that she is inflicting at the time. His wife, at this point, seems to be little more than a backup plan... 
 

Edited April 16, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Amethyst68]

Does your wife know you've been leaving every time for the MW and then going back? Does she even know about the affair?

It sounds like you're over your marriage one way or another and should end it, it's really not fair to your wife to yoyo back and forth leaving every few days. 

I know she had an affair but by the way you write it sounds to me that your EA was at the same time, not an RA but I could be interpreting that wrong. Did the two of you do the necessary work to repair your marriage or just rugsweep?

I think you you need to go NC with the MW and then have a talk with your wife.

[mark clemson]

I agree with those above pointing out that the situation you describe is toxic for everyone involved.

If you "cannot get her out of your head" you may have limerence (you can look this up, e.g. on Wikipedia) which will probably eventually fade - several months, up to about 3 years tops for normal people.

Not quite sure what you should do in the meantime, but your current situation sounds pretty much like insanity. Ending it, if you are able, would probably be wise.

[Gumbeaux41]

I have text her today and talked to her. It was casual and I got to tell her what I was feeling when I told her to get lost. We got caught up on each others lives and she text me this afternoon if I could see her tomorrow for lunch, so I am going visit with her at lunch tomorrow. Yes I know I will get reprimanded for this on here which I already have from a friend of mine. 

Also neither spouses know what is going on. I have not been going back and forth to my marriage, she has I left twice once for a week and once for a month. 

Am I mad at my wife for having an affair on me, at this point it does not bother me. 

To be honest, I would like to consider swinging with my wife, I think it would spice things up for us. Not so much for me to be with someone else but for her. 

[texasgreeneyes]

18 minutes ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

I have text her today and talked to her. It was casual and I got to tell her what I was feeling when I told her to get lost. We got caught up on each others lives and she text me this afternoon if I could see her tomorrow for lunch, so I am going visit with her at lunch tomorrow. Yes I know I will get reprimanded for this on here which I already have from a friend of mine. 

Also neither spouses know what is going on. I have not been going back and forth to my marriage, she has I left twice once for a week and once for a month. 

Am I mad at my wife for having an affair on me, at this point it does not bother me. 

To be honest, I would like to consider swinging with my wife, I think it would spice things up for us. Not so much for me to be with someone else but for her. 

Out of curiosity, had your wife ever said she wanted to swing? My Ex-H wanted that--and I will say it is not a good thing if one party is even remotely hesitant!

Also, do you want to be with your OW? Or do you just want to go meet her tomorrow and see what happens? It's not clear to me if you want to stay with your wife, be with the OW, or if you're just not sure what you want!

[Gumbeaux41]

Texas, yes my wife has expressed interest in the swinging part. I want to see the OW today so we can talk and I can figure out what she wants. We have not been able to actually talk since everything happened. What do I want, I can honestly say that I am not sure at this point, I know it sounds crazy but that is one of the reasons I put everything down here, so I can hear opinions and re read what I type. 

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

 

12 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

Am I mad at my wife for having an affair on me, at this point it does not bother me. 

To be honest, I would like to consider swinging with my wife, I think it would spice things up for us. Not so much for me to be with someone else but for her. 

 

Well with this virus circulating I don't think swinging is a good option.  It's better to divorce that way you and your wife can have sex with whomever you want whenever you want without worrying about infecting others.

[elaine567]

23 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

yes she is married. In Jan 2019 she kicked him out and filed for divorce, I left my wife for a week then went back. She took him back and then again she kicked him out.

A woman  who is cheating on her husband, feels the need to kick him out when she feels like it
I know there are two sides to every story but she sounds very hard-hearted and not a very nice person.

Edited April 17, 2020 by elaine567

[Amethyst68]

13 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

I have text her today and talked to her. It was casual and I got to tell her what I was feeling when I told her to get lost. We got caught up on each others lives and she text me this afternoon if I could see her tomorrow for lunch, so I am going visit with her at lunch tomorrow. Yes I know I will get reprimanded for this on here which I already have from a friend of mine. 

Also neither spouses know what is going on. I have not been going back and forth to my marriage, she has I left twice once for a week and once for a month. 

Am I mad at my wife for having an affair on me, at this point it does not bother me. 

To be honest, I would like to consider swinging with my wife, I think it would spice things up for us. Not so much for me to be with someone else but for her. 

Really? You're going to meet with your OW in person with all that's going on just now? I don't know where you live but since most of the western world has some sort of lockdown or quarantine situation going on I'm going to assume you know just how irresponsible this is and that just you just don't care about the very real possibility you could be putting your wife and family's lives at risk. Selfishness in the extreme.

Also leaving twice and going back and still talking to the OW is exactly going back and forth to your marriage and your wife! What else would you call it? It's also taking advantage of her as she doesn't know about the affair. Would she have taken you back both times if she had known, or at least without conditions including full NC with OW?

 

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

Really? ...

FWIW, ditto all of that post.

[texasgreeneyes]

8 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

Texas, yes my wife has expressed interest in the swinging part. I want to see the OW today so we can talk and I can figure out what she wants. We have not been able to actually talk since everything happened. What do I want, I can honestly say that I am not sure at this point, I know it sounds crazy but that is one of the reasons I put everything down here, so I can hear opinions and re read what I type. 

How did your talk go with your OW today? I totally get the wanting to write it all down somewhere part-- it's tough to figure it all out when you're trying to juggle a lot in general.

[Gumbeaux41]

Well our meeting went well. We are talking again and I promised myself that I would keep my distance, however I am all in again. I had made up my mind that I was going to break it off with her today, we were supposed to meet for lunch. Well she cancelled on me and we can't meet. This put me in a tailspin and I am having a rough day. The problem I am having is I can talk to her in a way that I never could talk to my wife. I wish I could talk to my wife like I can her but I cannot due to the backlash I get from her.

[Amethyst68]

Do your wife a favour and just leave for good. You're messing her about, all your energy is going on your OW and you wonder why your wife is not all in?

Your wife deserves the truth but it's obvious you're not going to give her that, you've already left her for the OW twice only go back because the OW ditched you. It's clear it's already happening again. The only people who deserve better here are your wife and the OW's husband!

[Gumbeaux41]

Ameth, I understand what you are saying. A lot easier said than done. I really want go give up OW and get my head screwed back on right. I am remembering back to our NC how I was less stressesed. 

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

The problem I am having is I can talk to her in a way that I never could talk to my wife. I wish I could talk to my wife like I can her but I cannot due to the backlash I get from her.

Find yourself a counsellor. It is a much more responsible way to find the support you seek, than another woman. 

[Gumbeaux41]

Well we were supposed to meet for lunch on Friday but she had to cancel. I was going to tell her i cant do this anymore. It is mentally draining and nothing will ever change. So we changed to meeting on Monday, today. This morning I recieved a txt from her saying she cant do this anymore. I tried to call but she blocked me, but we did txt saying how it is the right thing to do, and for each of us to work on our marriages. 

[Gumbeaux41]

So I guese now the fun begins trying to get her out of my mind.

[mark clemson]

That can be the hardest part, actually. Takes a lot of time for neurons to adjust. Months not weeks if it's limerence, and often even for regular "break up blues".

Making contact impossible, if that's possible, will probably help somewhat.

Time outside in nature (boost serotonin), socializing (as much as is safely feasible right now, boosts dopamine), "cute" stuff and acts of kindness (boosts oxytocin), exercise (boosts endogenous opiates). Music (impacts mood), TV, work, "keeping busy", new interests and hobbies (all distract).

Build a new mental life for yourself that doesn't revolve around this person. It sounds easier than it is actually, but definitely something you want to do as much as possible.

[Gumbeaux41]

Yes I agree it ia very difficult, I have tried several times before. I feel that I am in a different place now, as I know she will never leave and I could not trust her if she did. I have started taking my depression meds again to help me get thru this. It is already a struggle but with time it will get better.