Author Gumbeaux41 Posted June 26, 2020 Author Share Posted June 26, 2020 I don't know if I should say in this forum but I have issues again with my wife. I called her this morning asking her about her week and how yesterday went and she immediately went to fussing. My step mom wished her happy birthday thru me and she fussed and said "I am the only one in the family that she doesn't send a card to" and you dont care how that makes me feel or take up for me. She then goes on to fuss that I am not going meet her half way on her way back Sunday and spend the night. I cannot because I have a meeting Monday morning for work that I have to be in, she thinks I should get out of it which I cant. I also asked her to go camping for the 4th and she fussed because I picked the wrong place. Last night while we were txt I told her that I missed her, and she asked if I really missed her and I said yes. Well this morning she said to me, "think about how I felt when you left me bieng in the house alone with you telling me that you didnt love me when you left". I told her that I have been listening to the 5 love languages, she told me "Well you should have listened to the book the counselor told us to listen to but you didnt". This is what I get constantly from her, and yes I have been getting this long before my affair years before. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 Quote Last night while we were txt I told her that I missed her, and she asked if I really missed her and I said yes. Well this morning she said to me, "think about how I felt when you left me bieng in the house alone with you telling me that you didnt love me when you left". Yet you've been back in contact with your MW, comes across as two faced at least. What was going to happen if she was all in this time? Your wife would be left for the 3rd time? It's no accident your wife is having mental health issues. Oh they may have started off with FOO problems but they've definitely been increased and compounded by the years of your gas lighting her with regards to your affair. This woman deserves the truth. I have no doubt she's difficult to live with, people with mental health issues often are, but don't downplay your part in all this. Your wife's questions show she knows something's been going on, you're fooling yourself if you think otherwise. I think you want to divorce but for some reason you want your wife to make the decision. Then you can say, it wasn't me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted June 26, 2020 Author Share Posted June 26, 2020 I actually just want her to appreciate what she has in life and quit thinking the world is out to get her. Her 87 year old dad lives next door and I hear him talk the same at times how he had bad luck, etc in life, so I know where she gets it from. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 5 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said: I don't know if I should say in this forum but I have issues again with my wife. She sounds extremely controlling at this point. Possibly she has a lot of anxiety and attempts to deal with it by clamping down on every little thing? You'll have to decide whether you think telling her about your affair is likely to help with this, or with your relationship generally, and probably whether you want to stay in it as well. While it certainly does NOT justify your affair, it sounds like she's been driving you away since long before that started. Sometimes there really are no "good" options, unless perhaps she can get effective help for her issues. It seems to me like you tried to put a band aid on a bad situation overall. Now you're most of the way back to square 1. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 The phrase that comes to mind is “your wife is a lot of work.” As I have said before, I would have very little tolerance for that kind of behavior. Honestly, I’m struggling to understand why you would want to stay... Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 It sounds like she is just one of those unhappy glass half-full people. Does telling her you notice that she always complains have any effect? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted June 26, 2020 Author Share Posted June 26, 2020 You are both correct and why do I stay, hell I dont know other than financial reasons. If I point out she always complains, she would say it is my fault she is complaining, because I didnt talk to her the rt way, pay her enough attention, looked at her wrong etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 What if instead of focusing on what's "wrong" with your wife, and shoring up resentments, you take a good long hard look at yourself and ask what YOU could be doing differently to change the situation? We can't change other people. But we CAN make a difference in a situation if we take control and responsibility for our part. You're not going to maintain NC with your OW if you keep focusing on your wife's faults. Michael Jackson, for all his faults, was on to something when he wrote "Man in the Mirror." 3 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 Quote I actually just want her to appreciate what she has in life and quit thinking the world is out to get her. Would this be the husband who is currently lying to her? The one who was back in contact with his OW this week? The one that when given specific homework to do from MC ignores it for something else? NB I'm not saying the book you got isn't worthwhile but it should be in addition to what your MC had given you. You walked out on your wife for another woman, twice. The only reason you're with her now is because your MW picked her BH both times. The fact your wife is talking about the time you left and how it made her feel means she knows there's more going on about you leaving than what you've told her. Did you put it all on her, her behaviour, her mental health issues? I wonder why she doesn't feel safe, feel secure? You say she doesn't know about your affair but she obviously knows something's not right in her world and is trying to control the situation around her. Again, this woman has been living with gas lighting from you for so long now she probably doesn't know the extent she's doing it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted June 27, 2020 Author Share Posted June 27, 2020 So this morning I get a txt from her fussing at me because I took her dad out to eat last night and I didnt check with her. I told her that this is the second morning she is fussing at me. Since I said that now she anxiety and she said I ruined her day. Now she says she is sad. She said she was communicating and I call it fussing. Well I cant say ANYTHING mean, negative, etc or I she says she gets "sad, anxiety, etc" and I get endless txt from her. I really dont know what to do, I am one who holds things in then lets it out all at once when we argue, but the reason I do that is because of what I just typed above. She says I need to learn how to communicate, I suck at it. Well that is exactly why I dont communicate with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted July 20, 2020 Author Share Posted July 20, 2020 I am still on this thread but the situation is different now. I have not talked to Michelle for almost a month now. I am really trying to work things out with my wife. However the main thing that I originally wanted to leave her for is coming back up. She is very insecure from when I left, which is understandable and I am trying to do everything to make her comfortable. She lays in bed and brings me leaving up every night, then again around 3 or 4 in the morning. Well last night she actually said what I have been thinking for years, she said her main problem is "she doesn't like herself". This has been the main underlying problem for the majority of our married life. I had to quit talking to my friends because she thought their wife was prettier than her, they had more money, etc.etc. WHAT do you do to help someone who doesn't like/love themselves. I feel like anything I do is never enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted July 20, 2020 Share Posted July 20, 2020 It's a very cruel thing you're doing. You're letting your wife blame herself for you leaving the marriage, twice - when the truth is you left her for another woman and wouldn't be with her today if the MW hadn't stayed with her husband! It's an almost perfect example of gaslighting which is a form of emotional abuse as described by a domestic abuse website. You continue to break NC with this MW and you last did it when your wife was away just over 3 weeks ago while complaining here about your wife's controlling behaviour. I've said it before, your wife obviously knows something is going on subconsciously and it's having an effect on her conscious mental health. Living with you must be exhausting for her. I don't know if you're doing it unintentionally to punish her for her affair, maybe it was a dealbreaker for you and you didn't realise it. If so you should just leave. Either way she deserves the truth. Your wife needs to work on liking herself, maybe getting an IC she clicks with with help. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted July 22, 2020 Share Posted July 22, 2020 On 6/27/2020 at 3:40 PM, Gumbeaux41 said: So this morning I get a txt from her fussing at me because I took her dad out to eat last night and I didnt check with her. I told her that this is the second morning she is fussing at me. Since I said that now she anxiety and she said I ruined her day. Now she says she is sad. She said she was communicating and I call it fussing. Well I cant say ANYTHING mean, negative, etc or I she says she gets "sad, anxiety, etc" and I get endless txt from her. I really dont know what to do, I am one who holds things in then lets it out all at once when we argue, but the reason I do that is because of what I just typed above. She says I need to learn how to communicate, I suck at it. Well that is exactly why I dont communicate with her. Why do you stay with her if you are this unhappy and you're making her unhappy too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted July 22, 2020 Share Posted July 22, 2020 (edited) On 7/20/2020 at 11:59 AM, Gumbeaux41 said: I am still on this thread but the situation is different now. I have not talked to Michelle for almost a month now. I am really trying to work things out with my wife. However the main thing that I originally wanted to leave her for is coming back up. She is very insecure from when I left, which is understandable and I am trying to do everything to make her comfortable. She lays in bed and brings me leaving up every night, then again around 3 or 4 in the morning. Well last night she actually said what I have been thinking for years, she said her main problem is "she doesn't like herself". This has been the main underlying problem for the majority of our married life. I had to quit talking to my friends because she thought their wife was prettier than her, they had more money, etc.etc. WHAT do you do to help someone who doesn't like/love themselves. I feel like anything I do is never enough. you're angry at her for being "controlling" or that you had to quit talking to a friend who has a prettier wife because she thought you might stray. Turns out, she was right. I really think you two shouldn't be together. You can't forgive her and she can't trust you. Do you really see yourselves ever being happy? Edited July 22, 2020 by pepperbird 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted July 24, 2020 Author Share Posted July 24, 2020 I am sure I will be fussed at for what I am about to type but I need to vent. I am blocked from Michelle FB but I did look at her profile today and she changed her profile picture last night to a picture of her and her husband posing looking soo happy in front of their house. Well that messed with me more than I thought it would. I in turn changed my profile picture to one of me and my wife today also just in case she happens to look at mine. Yes it is childish but I don't care, I am in a f'd up mood, I guess I do miss her somewhat. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted July 25, 2020 Author Share Posted July 25, 2020 My wife informed me that she read when a man marries for looks and not for their soul they will never be satisfied. She said that she feels I married her for her looks not her soul. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 26, 2020 Share Posted July 26, 2020 On 7/21/2020 at 9:11 PM, pepperbird said: Why do you stay with her if you are this unhappy and you're making her unhappy too. I agree. Why don't you leave your wife so you both can find happiness. It's clear it's never going to work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted August 1, 2020 Author Share Posted August 1, 2020 Pepper you mis understood. I had to quit talking to my male friend because my wife thought his wife was prettier than her.... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 1, 2020 Share Posted August 1, 2020 (edited) 15 minutes ago, Gumbeaux41 said: Pepper you mis understood. I had to quit talking to my male friend because my wife thought his wife was prettier than her.... Gumbeaux, that doesn’t make it sound any better... Too much what under the bridge here. Your wife is chronically unhappy and she does not trust you. That said, she doesn’t even know about your affair and she is still taking her anger and unhappiness out of you in a way that is not productive and very unhealthy. There is a very unhealthy dynamic in this marriage. It would really be best to separate and call it a day... Edited August 1, 2020 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 1, 2020 Share Posted August 1, 2020 On 6/27/2020 at 2:40 PM, Gumbeaux41 said: She said she was communicating and I call it fussing. You seem quite dismissive of her. You married her so you need to figure out how to minimize the conflicts and brushing her off chronically probably isn't the way. Since communication is this poor marriage therapy to start a dialogue may help. You may think her communication is nonsense and at times it may be, but to her it's not so try to listen an hr or so a day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted August 1, 2020 Author Share Posted August 1, 2020 Bailey, I agree with you, it has caused some resentment for her because of that. I dont think I have ever stood up to her from the beginning. Again if I say anything to her that hurts her I have to hear about it for weeks. To be honest cheating for me was wrong but this is the exact reason that I sought out to others. I feel like I am in the same position I was in before I cheated except my wife does more around the house. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 1, 2020 Share Posted August 1, 2020 2 minutes ago, Gumbeaux41 said: To be honest cheating for me was wrong but this is the exact reason that I sought out to others. I feel like I am in the same position I was in before I cheated except my wife does more around the house. Oh, don’t blame your cheating on your wife. There was always another choice - you could have divorced her and found a better relationship with the woman of your choice. If you haven’t ever had a backbone in the relationship and stood up for yourself, that is your fault. It is your responsibility to exercise some boundaries in a relationship such that your wife doesn’t just walk all over you at her will... Sorry to be harsh, but don’t allow yourself to go down this path. It’s the same conflict avoidant thinking that got you into a very one-sided marriage, and got you into an affair... if you don’t like the way she treats you, you have a voice and you don’t have to stay... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted August 1, 2020 Author Share Posted August 1, 2020 Bailey, I totally agree with you. I am not blaming cheating directly on her, I know it was all me. I am really working on speaking my mind with her when I feel in and not holding it in and exploding. It is not in my DNA so I find it difficult, but it has to happen for us to be able to move forward, or I will be here a year from now saying the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 1, 2020 Share Posted August 1, 2020 5 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said: To be honest cheating for me was wrong but this is the exact reason that I sought out to others. I feel like I am in the same position I was in before I cheated except my wife does more around the house. You attempted an external bandage, what you actually need is more a marriage-internal medication (or, while this is NOT a recommendation, to leave). Probably MC could help with that, although you'll have to decide whether to come clean about the affair if/when you do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted August 1, 2020 Share Posted August 1, 2020 (edited) I really don't get how people don't see how you have gas lighted your wife about your affair so much that it has contributed so much to the mental health issues you continually post about. Again, you left her twice for another woman and only returned because your MW did not leave her husband. You went back not because you love her but because you don't want to be alone. What reason did you give for walking out and then for going back? I would put money on the fact that your wife has a gut feeling that something is going on, she may not be ready to confront you yet but don't be too surprised if it happens. I do agree you should divorce but that's because I think your wife deserves to be treated better. Edited August 1, 2020 by Amethyst68 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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