Male in affair

[Amethyst68]

I wonder how much of it is the fear of being seen as the bad guy if the truth comes out.  If you force your wife to be the one who finally leaves for good you control the narrative maintain your image with your children, family and friends etc. 

[Gumbeaux41]

It will happen soon if she keeps fussing EVERY time I talk to her. Main reason I am there is financial reasons. Everyone, she is not like this just these last 2 years, she has been like this for a longggg time. It has gotten worse these last 2 years because I am standing up for myself. One thing I did learn thru all this is there are kind women out there that arent all about themselves, and that do not think the sky is falling every damn day. And not negative, negative, negative. I learned this also from talking every day almost to a friend that was going thru his divorce. Just tonite, she called me and asked about dinner because she is hungry, I am still on the road for work and she has been home 2 hours already. This is really wearing me down and yes if this stays the same I will have no choice but to leave to maintain my sanity. And remember she did cheat on me in 2004, and i went thru a world of s***. Kinda wished i would have left then actually.

[BaileyB]

14 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

Main reason I am there is financial reasons. Everyone, she is not like this just these last 2 years, she has been like this for a longggg time. 

The flip side of that coin is that you have tolerated this for a longggg time. That’s on you.

My partner was in an unhealthy marriage and stayed longer than he should have stayed. He thought about staying until his child graduated - the lawyers advice, the longer you stay, the longer you will pay. In more ways than one... Something to thing about. 

[pepperbird2]

On 9/16/2020 at 9:37 AM, Gumbeaux41 said:

This is something I have been dealing with for a long time. The affair and talking with a friend (guy) friend that I trust has made me realize that I deserve better. I got woke up this morning to being fussed at about my job and how horribe of a husband I am. Then when I said I am tired of being fussed at all the time I was wrong again. I was told why cant i just hold her and console her when she has anxiety. Well it is kinda hard when I am trying to defend myself.

 It's like you're both stuck on the proverbial hamster wheel and need to get off.
Being honest would be a good first step- it may be hard, but in a way, it would set you both free.

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

 It's like you're both stuck on the proverbial hamster wheel and need to get off.
Being honest would be a good first step- it may be hard, but in a way, it would set you both free.

Respectfully, “being honest” isn’t coming back to this board to complain about her behavior and how poorly she treats you. It’s about really considering how you have contributed to the situation and owning your own decisions, including your decision to stay in this unhealthy dynamic for so many years...

There is no shame in saying, I’ve tried but this just isn’t working... the shame is in staying in an unhappy marriage and unhealthy marriage because you are afraid of making another decision... 

Edited September 17, 2020 by BaileyB

[pepperbird2]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Respectfully, “being honest” isn’t coming back to this board to complain about her behavior and how poorly she treats you. It’s about really considering how you have contributed to the situation and owning your own decisions, including your decision to stay in this unhealthy dynamic for so many years...

There is no shame in saying, I’ve tried but this just isn’t working... the shame is in staying in an unhappy marriage and unhealthy marriage because you are afraid of making another decision... 

This makes so much sense.
OP, if you have  positive feelings for your wife and yourself, really think about whether what you are doing is making either of you happy. Sometimes, love means walking away.

[lifeoflies]

Sorry bud. This is what happens when you play with married women. Good luck to you. Look at the positive. You get to enjoy the bittersweet feeling of not having what you want. 

[Bonifidelifelover]

On 4/16/2020 at 7:47 AM, Gumbeaux41 said:

Long time lurker first time poster. I probably know the answers to the questions I am going to ask from reading the forms but I think writing is helping me. I will try to cut my story short as it is long. I have been married for 26 years and have 2 kids in college. In 2004 I caught my wife in a full blown 2 year affair. I approached her and she admitted to everything and I we decided to stay married. At that same time I had started an emotional affair with a former co worker, we will call her Michelle.

I felt myself falling for her but she cut it off at that time. We both went on with our lives with no contact. Fast forward to 2018 I reached out to Michelle on FB and we connected. Well this is where it gets interesting. We started a full blown affair, the same as everyone else cant get her out of my head, leaving our spouses, yes she is married. In Jan 2019 she kicked him out and filed for divorce, I left my wife for a week then went back. She took him back and then again she kicked him out. I moved out again for a month and we were together sneaking around.

Then out of the clear blue she text me that he was going back home and it was over. I broke down and went home, wife was very helpful but didnt know what the issue was, she just knew I was upset. I was home for 2 days and Michelle calls and says she messed up and should not have done that. From that point on she kicked him out and let him back several times. I never left because I felt she didnt know what the hell she wanted. this went on thru the holidays. We were supposed to get an apt together in Nov 2019 but I had a transition in work so this was put on hold.

In March of this year she made up her mind and got her own apartment. She moved in on Saturday and we spent a few evenings together. On Wednesday we were together and the next day I was going to tell my kids I was leaving. Well Wednesday night after I left she went to her moms and said she had to go to her house to bring her daughter something. Well she did not txt that night and ended up staying at her house. I then told her to get lost, and she moved back home on Saturday. So one week in her apartment. We started talking again and I could tell she was pulling away.

One night 2 weeks ago I told her to leave me alone and play with someone else emotions. She then blocked me from everything and had no contact, until today. She caught me passing by her house and unblocked me last night and sent me a message to stop passing. We are txt this morning casually about work etc. 

Everyone always talks about the woman's feelings but not about the mans feelings.

What do I do, I have feelings for her tremendously, and cannot get her out of my head. 

 

 

Wow this seems like an extreme game of codependency going on, that age mostly can’t break for some reason. 

[Bonifidelifelover]

On 5/20/2020 at 6:34 AM, BaileyB said:

Indeed, all this angst over a woman who by all accounts, is an absolutely terrible choice for a relationship partner. 

Yeah but despite that, the heart wants what the heart wants in this situation. Heart has no brain that’s for sure 

[Bonifidelifelover]

On 6/25/2020 at 10:46 AM, Gumbeaux41 said:

Well I want to be honest on be here, yes I stumbled and talked to her. I said that is one of the hardest things to do. I told my friend earlier this morning that I felt the affair was dying, well it is dead. Trust me I wish I could have just turned a switch off to be done.

I‘M so curious tho! How if she blocked u, u blocked her the only way was to leave her a voicemail, did u guys reconnect??? No contact I thought was going great?? 

[Gumbeaux41]

I have not been in contact with MIchelle. She has moved on and I am trying to move on and put all of that behind me. The problem I am having is my wife is having a hard time with me leaving. She thought that if I came back it would be enough for her but she is really having a hard time. She says she cannot find the love in her heart for me and is constantly telling me how she doesnt know if she can do this. She says I broke her when I left and with the things I told her. She doesn't know if I love her and she does not trust me, even thought she tracks me on my phone all day long. Guess I am just venting. Seems like I am right back to the point in my life with here where I was before when I looked for someone to fulfill my needs. The difference now is my job sucks and I am making 1/3 of what I used to which makes it more difficult. 

[mark clemson]

If she only wants you back when you're leaving then she isn't happy either but can't deal with the prospect of divorce or of being alone. This may be a situation similar to narcissistic "hoovering" or Drama Triangle dynamics. Guess you will eventually need to make a firm decision one way or the other. Practical matters can have a big impact, but things change and may improve. You could consider talking to a lawyer and seeing what a divorce might actually look like for your jurisdiction/situation. Many will give free half hour consults and you can talk to more than one.

While I don't advise people to divorce, it's just noting a fact to say that not every marriage should be saved either. IF you end up divorcing, heading to negotiation sooner rather than later is probably wise in terms of stress, time, and costs. However, that's not always possible depending on how the spouse feels about things.

Edited October 30, 2020 by mark clemson

[Gumbeaux41]

This may belong in another forum but I am leaving it here as my complete story is here. This is the current situation, I am at a current job where I make 1/3 of what I made in the past, my current job in February will be going to 100% commission. I am currently looking for another job and have been looking for several months. Almost every day I am getting fussed at by my wife for the situation that we are in. She wakes up around 3 in the morning with anxiety and starts fussing at me saying she is worried and attacks me for the situation that we are in. She tells me that I am not doing enough, basically calling me lazy because I am not looking in other cities. She wants me to look in other towns and live by myself to get us out of this situation. I look all over the place for opportunities but there is not much out there. 

When she started this morning at 3 am I asked her to please stop, please stop. She got pissed and started fussing which started a fight. She believe that she can tell me whatever she wants and I should be understanding and compassionate with no matter what she tells me. She can holler and degrade me and I better not raise my voice. I should hold her and tell her it will be ok. I understand that I should be understanding to her feelings but this is all the time. I am trying and looking every day. She talks like I do not have a job at all and I sit at home every day and do nothing, which is not the case at all. I work every day, look for another job every day, come home, cook, repaint the inside of the house and she sits on the couch because she is a teacher and her job is hard.

So this morning (Sunday) she woke up at 11, came out dressed and left. I have been up applying for jobs, cooking, and preparing to continue painting. She got in her car and left, turned off the tracking app that she made me put on her phone and left. She then called me and fussed more at me for not being understanding to her feelings. She says she wants to "feel" loved and cared for and she is lonley. Which I understand we all want that however I get nothing from her but fussing. She says she is burnt the f---ck out. 

This has been the story of our marriage, I have to bend over backwards to try to make her happy. She hates herself and feels that she is never good enough. Well I get the brunt of that having to make her happy. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

1 hour ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

This has been the story of our marriage, I have to bend over backwards to try to make her happy. She hates herself and feels that she is never good enough. Well I get the brunt of that having to make her happy. 

A person doesn't get happy because another person gives them happiness. Your wife looks to you as if you are God, who alone can make people happy. You were the first and the third man she has looked to, to provide her with something no man can provide a woman. The OM your wife had an affair with was the second man.

If you stay together, unless she has a drastic change in her idea of the source of happiness, this is your lot. You have to decide if you want to continue to live this way or not.

Both of you work. Although you make only 1/3 of what you used to make could you move out and find an inexpensive place to live? You might find with the pressure of your wife off your back you'd be able to devote more energy to finding a more financially suitable job.

Editing to add: I doubt your wife will leave you because if she does she'll have no one to blame and to vent to. She needs someone to accuse so that she doesn't have to take blame for her own unhappiness. If she takes blame, then she has to do something about it and she doesn't know what to do about it at all.

Edited November 8, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[Gumbeaux41]

We do have some rental property but I have all of them rented out. I have a camper on some property that I am thinking about going to.  Have never heard back from her today except to b**** at me.

[gamon]

On 9/10/2020 at 9:13 AM, Gumbeaux41 said:

On the day she went to the dr, she got so mad, she started txt me and I recieved 145 txt that day. Tellng me everything I have ever done wrong, how horrible of a person I am, etc etc, yes 145.

You need to seriously consider updating your cellular data plan.

[LivingWaterPlease]

4 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

We do have some rental property but I have all of them rented out. I have a camper on some property that I am thinking about going to.  Have never heard back from her today except to b**** at me.

Hopefully your camper has a bathroom and heat. Sounds like a plan except you should check with an attorney (or on the internet about laws of your state) first to see if there would be a legal problem with just moving out. I'm not sure if it could be considered abandonment and work against you. I have no idea of the laws in regard to separating from a spouse, these days.

Also, maybe if a renter moves out think about moving in yourself! Lucky you to have that possibility!

[Gumbeaux41]

I know this probably should be in another forum but my story is here. Now my wife is arguing with her sister over who is going to do things for Thanksgiving. Her sister does not understand that "she" is having a rough life. She doesn't trust her husband, doesn't have money like she used to, daughter is mean to her, not close to her sisters and dad any more, and she is not important or valued by anyone.  And it is all because of ME. I just got the text.

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

And it is all because of ME.

It's easier for it to ALL be because of YOU than for it to all be because of HER, I would think. C'est la human emotions.

[Gumbeaux41]

Tell me if this is normal. This weekend wife family came down for Thanksgiving. All the girls went out on Friday night to eat. While out wifes niece who is 35 has way too much to drink and starts cursing out my daughter and telling her all kind of ugly things. Well my daughter gets mad and goes to the bathroom and starts fussing about her mom (my wife) because she thought she told the niece everything, well my wife heard daughter in the bathroom talking about her. Well that is the background, so Saturday morning wife starts in on me about daughter being disrespectful everything else my wife doesn't agree that our daughter does. Well daughter (who is 23) shows up at home and we have a talk with us 3. Wife says she is disrespectful and lazy etc etc etc. Daughter says that she is mad because of the way my wife nags her, forces her opinion down her throat and basically talks down to her. (Daughter is absolutely correct about this) Our daughter is disrespectful also I agree with my wife on that but dauther was trying to tell her why she is not nice to her mom. Well after all of this daughter finally leaves. NOW my ass gets chewed out from my wife. She tells me how I dont take up for her, dont discipline my daughter (who is 23). Well wife falls into the poor me routine and says how she hates life, she sucked as a mom, wants to die, etc. etc. She gets mad at me because I am not being sympathetic, or caring to her when she is down, this eventually leads to an argument and she tells me to leave, she also tells me that I messed up she and her daughters relationship and if I mess it up again, she will kill me. Well I didnt leave and woke up Sunday and stayed inside to try and console her. We had a discussion and she said she always felt not good enough. She said that she felt that way in high school and now she feels that way again because of our relationship and the relationship with her daughter. I told her I think she needs to go talk to someone and she started fussing again so I dropped it. 

Question is, What do I do with this? Is this normal behavior for a 51 year old woman? Am I wrong in thinking this is not normal, I have been dealing with this for YEARS.......

[mark clemson]

It's a bit late for disciplining your daughter.

It sounds like your wife could use therapy.

Whether you want to stick around for more of this is, of course, ultimately up to you.

[pepperbird2]

please ignore this-posted to wrong thread

Edited November 30, 2020 by pepperbird2

[Gumbeaux41]

Well I am here again, I am getting woken up from her almost every morning around 4am by her. She says she is not happy and I need to be more caring, sympathetic, and affectionate to help her. She says she is feeling herself drifting apart from me like she did in 2004 when she cheated on me. She says that I can never say that I didnt know what to do to make her happy because she constantly tells me (mentioned above). She says she will not be in a loveless marriage and have just a roomate. I can say that lately I have not been trying to have make love or have sex with her. I am also burnt out on constantly hearing how I need to change to make her happy. I also hear that she really wants a wedding band (has a really nice wedding ring) to match. She is not happy with any old ban, she has to have one to match the ring. She says I know how much she has been asking for that and I never bought one for her so that is telling her that she is not important. 

I know this sounds like a broken record, the good news is I got a new job making good money again 

[FMW]

Seriously - go see an attorney, figure out the financial pieces and get a divorce.  

You know how you don't like the way she is always negative and complaining and blaming others (mainly you)?  At least here on this forum, you've become the same.  

Stop complaining, take action, and GET OUT.  

I was married for 23 years, I'm a woman but I'm the one who lost money in my divorce, through my retirement plan, losing money on the home we owned together, and paying off joint credit card debt that was completely his expenditures on his girlfriend on the side.  The financial hit sucks, but I've never for a second regretted getting out. 

It's not easy, but it's 1000 times preferable to living a  miserable life with all your assets untouched.   

[Gumbeaux41]

FM thanks for the reply. I mainly come here to vent I guess and to find out if anyone else has had to deal with a situation like this. Is this normal for people to be acting like this and the other part that I wonder about is if I were to leave her and meet someone else will the next person be the same. So basically I am trying to find out if all women are like this..