Male in affair

[FMW]

1 hour ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

I am trying to find out if all women are like this.. 

Of course not!  If you do choose to end your marriage, make sure to pay attention to how the new women you meet react to things, their general world view.  Negative, complaining people are easy to spot.  Avoid those, there are plenty of women with positive attitudes that want to share joy with the men in their lives.   

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, FMW said:

Negative, complaining people are easy to spot.

This is the worse.  As soon as this happens - exit stage left.

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

I wonder about is if I were to leave her and meet someone else will the next person be the same. So basically I am trying to find out if all women are like this.. 

You will never know if you stay and never take the risk. 

But no, not all women are like this. I know several men who have left marriage like yours only to discover a much healthier relationship, with a kind and loving partner.

The thing is, you really do teach people how to treat you. So, you may find yourself in another relationship like this if you don’t learn to assert yourself and set some boundaries in a relationship. 

[Amethyst68]

I love how everybody puts no blame at all on the OP for the situation in his marriage. 

The wife had a short affair year years ago,  I'm not excusing that but he decided to stay.  The OP had a years long affair, left twice for his MW without telling his wife why and then going back when the MW refused to leave her husband, still without telling his wife. Going by his posts here I have no doubt at all where he put the blame for leaving and that he only went back because he had no where else to go. 

Also if you look back at this thread there's a pattern of him posting complaining about his wife and then confessing to be back in contact with his MW again. That's only stopped in his last couple of posts. 

It's no surprise the wife is feeling mentally fragile, she's been gaslighted in the extreme. 

I've said from the beginning this situation is unhealthy for both parties. I don't think he'll ever be honest but maybe divorce give them that needed separation. 

[DKT3]

Truth is a large percentage of marriages never resolve infidelities.  They just coexist.  Op stayed because it was easier than leaving.  He hasn't been committed to the marriage or his wife since. 

I'm not saying that makes it right, but its understandable how someone gets there. 

We have had countless threads here that the BS leaves the marriage 5, 10, 20 down the road. We had one where he admitted his wife was a model wife for 20+ years after her affair but he still wanted out. 

Simply staying doesn't mean its good or even ok, just means they didn't leave.  

He is responsible for what he has done,  but many understand how he got there.

[mark clemson]

No doubt there's plenty of blame to go around on both sides. She's still making him miserable, and he apparently makes her miserable too. Not too hard to do the math here. What can you say, they'll tolerate each other until one or the other can't anymore, unless/until one of them can figure out an effective way of rebuilding things.

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

they'll tolerate each other until one or the other can't anymore, unless/until one of them can figure out an effective way of rebuilding things.

Or one of them finds the courage to end the pain. 

[mark clemson]

Yep.

[Amethyst68]

22 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

No doubt there's plenty of blame to go around on both sides. She's still making him miserable, and he apparently makes her miserable too. Not too hard to do the math here. What can you say, they'll tolerate each other until one or the other can't anymore, unless/until one of them can figure out an effective way of rebuilding things.

Not at all, the only thing that annoys me is that he takes no blame at all for the situation his marriage is in and the majority of posters here support that narrative.

From my first post on this thread, which was many months ago I've advocated divorce as the best way forward for both of them. 

[mark clemson]

Fair enough. 🙂

[DKT3]

1 hour ago, Amethyst68 said:

Not at all, the only thing that annoys me is that he takes no blame at all for the situation his marriage is in and the majority of posters here support that narrative.

From my first post on this thread, which was many months ago I've advocated divorce as the best way forward for both of them. 

The marriage is done, neither of them are interested in divorce so its the marriage they have made an agreement on at least silently. 

My main problem is his wife likely believes this is all a result of her affair.  Now I'm a strong believer that affairs this long dont go unnoticed,  especially with the wife being cheated on and doubly so because she herself was unfaithful.  If I had to bet, I would bet she knows.

[Gumbeaux41]

She doesn't know about the affair but she says she thinks I was talking to someone else. I also do take the blame for my part in our marriage, however I do know that I am a good person and take care of her very well with the exception of not being sympathetic. I do agree that I should have stood up for myself a long time ago and she has learned how to treat me the way she does. 

I can promise this that if we ever get a divorce I will NOT talk with any lady with a negative vibe. I will find someone that is happy in their own skin and happy with life, that is a fact. 

BTW this morning I was told that she "is now feeling the same way she did in 2004, she wants someone to tell her that she is good and pretty and ok" then she said "do I have to make that any more clear"? then walked out the house. I take that almost as a threat. Thoughts?

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

BTW this morning I was told that she "is now feeling the same way she did in 2004, she wants someone to tell her that she is good and pretty and ok" then she said "do I have to make that any more clear"? then walked out the house. I take that almost as a threat. Thoughts?

If everything else was normal it would sound like she is asking directly for you to be more complimentary, romantic, etc, with her. But I don't think everything else is even particularly close to normal here.

If her affair started in 2004, or thereabouts then presumably it was a threat.

Part of a man being "loving" to a woman is her being "lovable". If she's a constant b*tch (for whatever reasons) it's not likely to happen and/or be sincere. The converse is of course true as well. I haven't read back, but it sounds like this conversation would be a good opener for marriage counseling, if that's possible for you guys. I think you're not going to do well at this point without a "referee".

[amygirl908]

On 1/21/2021 at 5:34 PM, Amethyst68 said:

The wife had a short affair year years ago

I actually think her affair was longer than his, 2 years if I remember correctly. Not saying he didn't contribute to where things are now, but I don't think she's completely innocent in this either.

She needs some serious help. She is searching and looking to fill whatever void she has and she's been doing it for a long time. Of course we only have your side of the story but it sounds like she is unable to find contentment in her life. You could be making 10x as much as you're making now and she would likely still be complaining about something. Until she does some soul searching and work on herself this will continue. I don't understand people who send hundreds of text messages. I actually have two friends with SOs that do this. We will be out to dinner and all night their phone is blowing up and it happens almost every single day.

This situation in its entirety is SOOOO TOXIC... Do yourself a favor and get out of it. It's not like you have young kids - your daughter is grown, but neither of you trusts the other person and staying together isn't doing anyone any good.

[Gumbeaux41]

So I get home from work this afternoon. She is watching our grandaughter(5). I tell her how my day was, do a few things around the house tnen ask them if they want to go grab some Chinese. She gets all mad because I didnt call esrlier and ask her out on a date. She had in her mind that she was thinking i was going to call earlier so now she is mad and starts and argumenr in front of grandaughter.  I said all she had to do was say sure and get in tbe car. But it is a poor me fest again. How do you go on a date with a 5 year old.

[BaileyB]

12 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

BTW this morning I was told that she "is now feeling the same way she did in 2004, she wants someone to tell her that she is good and pretty and ok" then she said "do I have to make that any more clear"? then walked out the house. I take that almost as a threat. Thoughts?

Wash, rinse, repeat. 

11 minutes ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

So I get home from work this afternoon. She is watching our grandaughter(5). I tell her how my day was, do a few things around the house tnen ask them if they want to go grab some Chinese. She gets all mad because I didnt call esrlier and ask her out on a date. She had in her mind that she was thinking i was going to call earlier so now she is mad and starts and argumenr in front of grandaughter.  I said all she had to do was say sure and get in tbe car. But it is a poor me fest again. How do you go on a date with a 5 year old.

Wash, rinse, repeat. 

[pepperbird2]

On 1/21/2021 at 10:27 AM, Gumbeaux41 said:

FM thanks for the reply. I mainly come here to vent I guess and to find out if anyone else has had to deal with a situation like this. Is this normal for people to be acting like this and the other part that I wonder about is if I were to leave her and meet someone else will the next person be the same. So basically I am trying to find out if all women are like this.. 

Most aren't.

Looking back, what attracted you to her in the first place? Was she always like this? If not, what changed? Does she even know what changed?
 

[snowcones]

Look, I've seen couples who have no infidelity issues suffer from this same thing.  They are just miserable together and stay because it's easier than leaving.  If neither of their affairs happened, they still would be acting and feeling this way. And he in particular will still stay in the marriage, because most men don't leave, not until she leaves him.  Which will probably be the case whenever and however way she gets there. And then he'll be scarred for life divorced man who is jaded and never able to love again.  It's all so common.

 

[Gumbeaux41]

Hello everyone, my story is above, which is a long one. However I have a new question. I have not been in contact or spoken with OW, I am over her, however I still think about her on occasion. The question is, I seem to have lost my libido and I am not really interested in having sex with my wife. I had more sex with my wife when I was having the affair than now and it is all me not wanting or trying, (well she -wife doesnt try either. Has any one experienced this. I am in my early 50s btw.

[Poppy47]

On 5/21/2020 at 10:52 PM, Gumbeaux41 said:

Thank you Lurker and Not, you both shed some light on things. Additonal question/comment. I went to block her on fb last night but she beat me to it, so that is done. Maybe someone can comment on how can she go from talking like normal, to the next day, telling me she cant meet for lunch with and blocking me with absolutely zero explanation. However that wss my plan to go to NC but I was going to let her know.  I just dont understand how or why she does that???????

It seems to me that you are still playing games with each other.  There is no indication that you want to stop seeing her at all.

You are the only one who is control of your willpower and you will continue to see her until you really resolve to cut off all contact with her forever.  I was in an EMR very long term.  I never really wanted to break it off or never see him again. Finally, when it got too much to bear I simply cut him out of my life and have never seen him or communicated with him since.

Poppy.

 

[Gumbeaux41]

Poppy,

The above quote is from last year. 

[Gumbeaux41]

Good morning everyone. Well we just went out of town for Wifes BDay and had a great weekend together. She is always telling me that she feels insecure and she feels like I don't love her and I am only staying because it is easier. Honestly I don't think about leaving and enjoy being at home, UNTIL she starts nagging and fussing. Example, This morning out of the blue she text me she is resentful that I didn't buy her a wedding band. She has a really nice wedding ring just not a band to go on the side of it. She had one but it wasn't good enough so she has been wanting one for 3 years. She thinks that since I didn't get one it means I don't love her.  Also some friends invited us to go eat this weekend for a surprise bday party for his wife that is turning 50. Well got the "see he plans everything and surprises his wife, "I" have to plan everything myself fell sorry for me that is ongoing this morning.   Forgot to mention that we just got a complete new living room set 1 month ago because she wanted one. So we got one.. 

I am REALLY tired of all of this, which I am sure she is tired of b****ing about me being cold and not having any soft, loving, caring feelings, I quote.

 

[Gumbeaux41]

The non stop txt are back on. "I am having anxiety, you dont say anything to make me feel better, you are cold, I am lonely," and she is supposed to be working and so am I. 

[BaileyB]

You chose this for yourself. 

[Gumbeaux41]

Because I choose to stay?