BaileyB Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 (edited) Yes. You say that you enjoy being at home until she starts fussing, and then you proceed to post four different examples of how she is demanding, entitled, disrespectful, self important, etc… She complains to you, you complain to us, and nothing changes… if you stay, you chose this for yourself. Edited June 29, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 7 minutes ago, Gumbeaux41 said: The non stop txt are back on. "I am having anxiety, you dont say anything to make me feel better, you are cold, I am lonely," and she is supposed to be working and so am I. 2 years ago you left your wife for another woman... you only went back to your wife because this woman went back to her husband. Your wife is broken due to your actions. Either you work with her or you divorce her. She is telling you what she needs. Of course she has anxiety, you straight up left her. It was 2 years ago.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 5 minutes ago, Gumbeaux41 said: Because I choose to stay? Yes. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 1 minute ago, Starswillshine said: 2 years ago you left your wife for another woman... you only went back to your wife because this woman went back to her husband. Your wife is broken due to your actions. Either you work with her or you divorce her. She is telling you what she needs. Of course she has anxiety, you straight up left her. It was 2 years ago.... This. But how she is behaving is not appropriate either. She is punishing you, and you allow it. It’s not a healthy or happy situation for either of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 3 minutes ago, BaileyB said: This. But how she is behaving is not appropriate either. She is punishing you, and you allow it. It’s not a healthy or happy situation for either of you. It's definitely a dysfunctional relationship caused by the actions of both of them. I don't know how anyone could live like this. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 11 minutes ago, Starswillshine said: It's definitely a dysfunctional relationship caused by the actions of both of them. I don't know how anyone could live like this. I wouldn’t want to. It has to be very unhappy for both partners. She may have chosen to take him back but it doesn’t give her the right to punish him every day for the rest of her life. He is literally paying for the discretion - in wedding rings, living room furniture, and by way of her many other demands - surprise parties, words of affection and affirmation, etc… Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 9 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I wouldn’t want to. It has to be very unhappy for both partners. She may have chosen to take him back but it doesn’t give her the right to punish him every day for the rest of her life. He is literally paying for the discretion - in wedding rings, living room furniture, and by way of her many other demands - surprise parties, words of affection and affirmation, etc… I don't disagree, what he types here seems quite absurd. It is possible she is looking for all signs that he loves her and won't leave her. And she is wanting him to prove it. He isn't in a manner that makes her feel reassured... if I were either of them, I would be out the door. If after 2 years, I am still riddled with anxiety, I'm out. If he feels miserable with her demands, I would be out, too. Seems no one really wants to work to actually fix the issue and they chose to stay. Double whammy. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 While I can appreciate that if you are involved with this woman, you are hurt that she has been messing you about, I am more concerned that you seem oblivious to how much you must be hurting your wife. You seem totally uncaring about her situation even though she cared for you when you returned from your break from the relationship. Admittedly, your wife had had an affair in the past so I guess, from your point of view, there was an element of revenge there. Either way, your relationship with your wife seems so rocky now that it is likely you will hurt each other more by staying together. You seem to be in a very messy situation. Your affair partner does not seem to want you full time and is unreliable to say the least. You need to end it with her or you will have more and more of this until she dumps you for good. She is just not committed to you. I think this affair has messed with your head to the extent that you cannot see anything clearly. Once you have ended things with this woman, you can start to heal from the affair and find your feet again. At the moment, you seem to be in a whirlpool of emotion and chaos which is bound to be affecting those around you too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted June 29, 2021 Author Share Posted June 29, 2021 Spider, the affair is ended has been for almost a year, don't talk to her any more nor care to. The issue I am dealing with is my wife.. Always wanting something from me to make her happy, well at least that is what it seems like to me. This is not new either, this has been from the beginning. I am so tires of hearing how I am a horrible communicator, she is lonely, she doesn't feel loved by me and is scared that I leave her. What really confuses me is we had a Wonderful time this past weekend out of town just the 2 of us. And one more thing, regarding sex, I have to do ALL the work, she puts for little to no effort at all. Just ranting I guess, Everyone says to leave, well it is not quite that easy for me to do that, but it is a thought. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 6 minutes ago, Gumbeaux41 said: And one more thing, regarding sex, I have to do ALL the work There are no words… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted June 29, 2021 Author Share Posted June 29, 2021 There are no words… Bailey, please elaborate Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted June 29, 2021 Author Share Posted June 29, 2021 So she just called and I knew this was coming, I am getting fussed at because I didnt plan anything special for her bday. Her friends husband planned a party and invited everyone to a the supprise bday party. She had to "Plan" this past weekend and she booked the room. Well she always looks and looks for the room and we booked it. Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpernickel Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 (edited) Can you just take the plunge, just once, and do what she yearns for so much? Just plan an impromptu dinner, surprise her.....and buy her that darn wedding band.....just make an effort..... Try doing that for a few weeks and see if she appreciates it. If she keeps complaining, well then I guess she'll never be 100 % happy. But at least you will have tried. Edited June 29, 2021 by Pumpernickel Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted June 29, 2021 Author Share Posted June 29, 2021 You know I will do just that. I will buy the ring, and I do plan impromptu dinners, that is something I try to do at least once a week. I bend over backwards to try to make her happy in those regards. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Gumbeaux41 said: You know I will do just that. I will buy the ring, and I do plan impromptu dinners, that is something I try to do at least once a week. I bend over backwards to try to make her happy in those regards. Of course you will, because you always do… and next week, it will be something else. You cheated on your wife and you stay together and make each other miserable only because neither of you has the courage to make a different decision - and then you expect her to be loving and giving in bed? What’s more, according to you she does little more than demand and complain about quite literally everything but somehow you expect her to “give” when you have sex. It’s perhaps not in her nature, and it’s definitely not something she is willing to do post-affair. Given everything else you have complained about, I find it difficult to believe that you don’t understand why this woman offers little more than duty sex…The fact that she has sex with you at all seems to me a bonus - I don’t know that many women would with all the hurt and all the conflict in this relationship. Edited June 29, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpernickel Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 She had her own affair, though. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but it’s not like she’s the victim here ….. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 Gumbeaux, what do you want as your end goal? A happy marriage? Or just tough it out in your marriage and be miserable? If you want a happy marriage, sometimes, it takes being a bigger person, loving that person in the way they want to be loved (see: love languages) and not how we want to be loved DESPITE them being a jerkwad. Basically, be the best husband in the world, take her cues, and give her all the things she wants (I mean, don't do financially stupid things). Throw everything into the marriage and her. And if she doesn't come around, then divorce her. If you just don't even care about the state of your marriage and you just want to hate on your wife, then divorce her. I would give this advice to your wife as well, but she isn't the one posting her. You have both contributed to the hurt here. She seems to want some grand gestures to feel secure. Or she is just a miserable person period. Decided what your end goal is... and then do all you can to try to get there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted June 29, 2021 Author Share Posted June 29, 2021 Stars, I agree, It is just very difficult for me to do these things at times when all i hear is poor me, poor me, poor me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted June 29, 2021 Author Share Posted June 29, 2021 I want an honest answer, what am I supposed to do when she calls me at work between the text, and gives me a laundry list of how her life sucks, how I didn't do anything special for her bday, I didn't plan an all inclusive trip for us 2 yet, my parents didn't send her a card, her mom was mean to her, our daughter is mean to her,, and this is the reason she gets depressed. All of this is after, she last week went get a massage, facial and nails done. Had a great weekend us 2. Then Sunday we get invited to a bday party for a friend of ours, and all this s*** gets thrown in my face, because I never did that for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 Is she really this miserable of a person or are you only focusing on the negatives? Because your mind is on your OW? Are you really actually trying to save your marriage or are you just sticking around because your OW went back to her husband? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted June 29, 2021 Author Share Posted June 29, 2021 I have nothing to do with OW, or any other person. What I have typed is the absolute truth. She is basically saying to me that I am not, soft to her, I am direct and to the point. She needs to be ta-ta'd for lack of another term and that is not me. I wish she would just appreciate what she has in life, as she needs for NOTHING, wants for A Lot. Always comparting to what this one has, what he does for her, etc. etc, I constantly hear, well he did this for her, I am always being compared to everyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 Is it possible that she is extremely insecure and so doesn't feel comfortable unless she can "control things" by complaining and creating issues where there needn't be any and thus keeping you off balance and in "placating her" mode? She can only feel secure when you're rushing to please her and/or compensate. Something like that? Not sure if that's the case, but consider. Sometimes half the battle is seeing what the problem actually is, so that you can then try to figure out what appropriate steps to address the actual issue might be. And sometimes that calls for a pro, not sure whatever is going on here can actually be well addressed by a partner. A husband is, ultimately, NOT a therapist. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted June 29, 2021 Author Share Posted June 29, 2021 Mark, she is definitely insecure, he mom treated her very poorly and she holds on to it until this day. She is so insecure when in public she comes off as being a b****, but I know that it is the insecurity, however it looks really bad to the other person. She is unhappy with herself, always has been as long as I have known her. It has been very difficult to stay with someone like that. I just don't know if most other people are like that. One thing I did learn when I strayed is the OW was nothing like her it that, well nothing like her at all actually. OW was not materialistic at ALL. I am sure she had some issues that would have gotten under my skin, as we all do. This is not about ow she is done, but about my wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 31 minutes ago, Gumbeaux41 said: Mark, she is definitely insecure, he mom treated her very poorly and she holds on to it until this day. She is so insecure when in public she comes off as being a b****, but I know that it is the insecurity, however it looks really bad to the other person. She is unhappy with herself, always has been as long as I have known her. It has been very difficult to stay with someone like that. I just don't know if most other people are like that. One thing I did learn when I strayed is the OW was nothing like her it that, well nothing like her at all actually. OW was not materialistic at ALL. I am sure she had some issues that would have gotten under my skin, as we all do. This is not about ow she is done, but about my wife. Actually is all about the OW. You keep comparing your wife to the OW. This is a large problem and I can bet your wife feels it too! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted June 29, 2021 Author Share Posted June 29, 2021 Stars, You are wrong on you assessment. As I mentioned I have nothing to do with OW, nor do I want anything to do with her. I was just saying that I did realize that there are other women out there that are not as needy and as materialistic and happy with themselves. I did learn that form having the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
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