Male in affair

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

I want an honest answer, what am I supposed to do when she calls me at work between the text, and gives me a laundry list of how her life sucks, how I didn't do anything special for her bday, I didn't plan an all inclusive trip for us 2 yet, my parents didn't send her a card, her mom was mean to her, our daughter is mean to her,, and this is the reason she gets depressed. 

Honestly, if my partner did this I would tell him that we will talk about this later and hang up the phone…

And if it continued when I got home, I would stop it right away. There need to be boundaries in a relationship. There also needs to be love, and appreciation, and both partners need to have a giving spirit, etc… But, I am not his dumping ground. He does not get to call me at work and give me his “poor me” story - that just absolutely does not happen. I would never do that to him, and I expect the same courtesy in return. If this was my everyday experience, I would not be with him. And no, a “good weekend” does not make up for this kind of behavior. 

Look, if your wife was like this before you married her then she may actually be this miserable of a person. We don’t know. All we can do is take your word for it but if this really is how she behaves, I don’t know how you make it through the day never mind want to stay married to the woman. 

1 hour ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

She is unhappy with herself, always has been as long as I have known her. It has been very difficult to stay with someone like that. I just don't know if most other people are like that.

No, they are not. I’ve posted before about a two men in my life - both had wives that were truly miserable people in much the same way that you describe. Both stayed, both raised three kids, and when the kids left home they left their marriages. They struggled with the decision in much the same way that you do. It took courage, and it was not easy. But both found love with two wonderful women and realized that no, not all women are like this. Just like all men don’t stay out all night with the boys, or play video games, or have affairs. 

The fact remains, if you want more for your life - you have to have the courage and the strength to make a different decision. For years, it sounds like you have done little more than made each other miserable… if it hasn’t changed by now, it’s not going to change. So you need to decide - are you going to stay and complain or are you going to say “Enough! This isn’t working…” 

In this moment, it seems that you are content to stay and let her take her anger, or frustration, or insecurity, or whatever else you want to call it out on you. You post a litany of complaints, as if you need justification for feeling the way that you do… What are you looking from us? Are you looking for compassion? Poor you, this must be very difficult. Or do you want validation? You are a good husband and you don’t deserve this kind of treatment. Or, are you just settled into the role - hoping to win the award for longest suffering husband… he who lasts the longest wins? 

Seriously, we have had this discussion before on this board. The infidelity in your marriage complicates the relationship, but all women are not like this and if you don’t want to live this way - you don’t have to. Nobody forces you to stay married to this woman. 

Edited June 29, 2021 by BaileyB

[Prudence V]

14 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

she is definitely insecure, he mom treated her very poorly and she holds on to it until this day. She is so insecure when in public she comes off as being a b****, but I know that it is the insecurity, however it looks really bad to the other person. She is unhappy with herself, always has been as long as I have known her. It has been very difficult to stay with someone like that. 

@Gumbeaux41 what you type here and elsewhere about your wife reminds me very much of my H’s XW. She was also a WS - and he also subsequently went on to have an A (with me) after taking her back when she begged and pleaded and promised to change… The behaviours you describe are all very familiar. It is, unfortunately, a bottomless pit, as my H found out. Nothing will ever be enough, or good enough, and it will always be “your fault”. 
 

The A showed my H that relationships don’t have to be like this, that not all women are like his XW (or your W) and that he had a choice. He could stay in misery, or leave and have a shot at happiness. He left, and we’ve been happily married now for a long time. 
 

You have a choice, too. You can stay in misery, or you can leave and have a shot at happiness. Yes, you might take a hit financially for a while, but you’ve struggled before (earning 1/3 of your income) and you got through that; once you cut your losses with this woman who is a colossal financial (as well as emotional) drain, you will soon regain your equilibrium financially. If that’s what you want. Perhaps you prefer living in misery because that is what you’ve become used to? But it is still a choice.
 

If you choose to stay in misery, then just accept it and deal with the consequences, which are that this is never going to change and that you might get a nice weekend here or there, but the rest of it is going to get worse and worse over time as nothing you buy her or say to her or do for her will ever fill that gaping hole of need in her soul. 

[mark clemson]

19 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

Mark, she is definitely insecure, he mom treated her very poorly and she holds on to it until this day. ... I just don't know if most other people are like that.

No, most other people aren't like that. Nobody's perfect either, so that something to keep in mind. But this sounds "worse than usual" to me at least, a lot worse in fact.

It sounds like her issues are pretty deeply rooted and would require serious therapy (with a skilled therapist) to work though, if that's even possible. Not sure if that's something she'd even be interested in considering.

It also sounds like you are possibly both co-dependent. While I'm not going to advise you to stay or leave, I DO get the sense that she won't let you go easily, which presumably won't make it any easier if you do decide to leave.

Edited June 30, 2021 by mark clemson

[Starswillshine]

I wish we could hear the other side of this story..... 

Gumbeaux, your wife is not here, you are. We cannot control your wife's behavior. You cannot either. If you want to change anything, you have to rely on yourself. Either leave... or work on yourself and figure out how to make it better. What actions are contributing to her behavior? Is there anything you can fix to be a better husband? You did LEAVE her for ANOTHER WOMAN... what actions have you/she done to remedy the hurt from that? What actions have you/she done to remedy the hurt and betrayal from HER affair? How does she FEEL love? How do you SHOW it? Do those things line up? Do you love her? Are you IN LOVE with her? Do you actually want it to get better and live a happier life OR do you want to b*tch and complain and live a miserable existence? 

What can YOU do to make it better? And maybe that better is simply divorcing. That is ok, too. I did it because I didn't like the person I became because of HIS actions. 

[Gumbeaux41]

Stars, I agree with you on what I could do better. The thing is I don't know if I have it in me to do things better. I am fine with her and we get along great when she is not complaining about how her life sucks, she hates herself, she is lonely, etc. I find it VERY difficult to be compassionate when this happens. Yes I did leave, (she does not know about the other woman) and I came back. However since I have been back she does very little to help the relationship, and wants me to CHANGE. When she starts all of the poor me it just pushes me away definitely not makes me want to get closer. BTW this has ALWAYS been an issue between us, not just recently. I feel like do everything and she sits back and wants to be treated special. Our son just moved out last month and we have the house alone. Things were fine up until this week, and I knew it would be an issue when we were invited to a friends bday party this up coming Friday. I just waited for it to be brought up, and it was, along with everything else that I have done or didn't do for the last 25 years. I really think I messed up early and never set boundaries and tried to do everything for her. Never stood up for myself when she would call and text me at work 187 times in one morning to tell me all the poor me stuff. YES 187 txt in 4 hours.  I should have shut that down early but I try to avoid conflict. One thing I did realize that all women are not like this, I know that another relationship will have issues of its own but if someone does not like themselves it seems there is nothing another person can do to make them happy.

 

[Starswillshine]

So you rather just be miserable? So you are just here for us to tell you that you are right and your wife is a horrible human being? 

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

I am fine with her and we get along great when she is not complaining about how her life sucks, she hates herself, she is lonely, etc.

Based on what you share, this is a common occurrence. It’s like saying that I sleep well except when my partner snores - but he snores every single night! And still every night you go to bed hopeful, and every morning you wake up tired. At some point, you need to accept that this is how it is and make a different decision - to sleep in the spare bedroom…

32 minutes ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

However since I have been back she does very little to help the relationship

You left her for another woman and then came back to her when it didn’t pan out… what do you expect her to do???? Do you expect her to welcome you with open arms and dedicate herself to pleasing you and healing your relationship? No, that is your job…

32 minutes ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

BTW this has ALWAYS been an issue between us, not just recently. I really think I messed up early and never set boundaries and tried to do everything for her. I should have shut that down early but I try to avoid conflict.

Possibly, very true. 

You do try to avoid conflict as evidenced by the fact that you come back time and again painting a bleak picture of conflict and infidelity and you have yet to file for divorce. What needs to happen for you to decide you are done making each other miserable? Are you seeking permission to file for divorce? Kindly, you don’t need to offer any more examples of her outrageous behavior - we have all agreed that it is outrageous and told you that you would be very justified if you decided to file for divorce. 

32 minutes ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

The thing is I don't know if I have it in me to do things better.

Well then, you can put a stop to this tomorrow. If you are not prepared to do what is required to heal this, then you should file for divorce.

You are responsible for yourself and you only control yourself. But, to heal this relationship you both need to be invested. You both need to develop some healthy boundaries in this marriage and if this is something you have never had - it’s going to be very difficult to start now. 

Edited July 1, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

So you rather just be miserable? So you are just here for us to tell you that you are right and your wife is a horrible human being? 

It absolutely does feel like all he wants is to be told that you are right and your wife is a terrible human being. He is seeking validation, not advice. The dutiful husband, long suffering and willing to endure…

[Gumbeaux41]

Well I guess I can say that you are all right, I am not accustomed to divorce, did not come from one. I am having a difficult time coming to grasp with it but, every time something like this happens it just pushes me a little further to divorce. 

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

Well I guess I can say that you are all right, I am not accustomed to divorce, did not come from one. I am having a difficult time coming to grasp with it but, every time something like this happens it just pushes me a little further to divorce. 

To be fair, it’s not a decision to be taken lightly and it’s not a suggestion that is made carelessly. But given the history of infidelity, and the level of conflict and resentment that you describe (for both partners), it is definitely something to consider. What is the benefit of staying together if you are going to continue to make each other miserable for the rest of your lives… 

[Gumbeaux41]

Hello everyone, i have not been on here in awhile. I dont know where else to post this, my story is on here. To get caught up, my affair is over, no contact, done for a year now. I am good with that.  My issue is I am really trying to work things out with my wife and we get along good, however I am not sexually attracted to her like I used to be. She does nothing to help the situation by coming on to me, and I dont try anything on her so it just gets worse every day. So we are having a dead bedroom syndrome. I am  a very sexual person and can think of all kinds of things to turn me on but she does none of it, in her mind it is my job to intiate and make it happen. That is problem 1.

Problem 2 is she is out of town with friends for the weekend and I am at home. I had a good day and ran across a friend of mine late this afternoon and he mentioned that he had cooked and asked if I wanted to eat. I said sure and ate with he and his family then left and went home, 1 hr max, no big deal in my mind. Well my wife txt and asked what I was doing and I told her the same situation. She then informed me that I quote "If you dont go to his house when I am home then dont go when I am not home, It makes me look bad".  Well the reason I dont go when she is home is because she is home... I dont go spend time with my friends is because she doesnt like the gf or wife, etc.  I on the other hand I want her to have friends and enjoy her friends, I DO NOT get that in return. I get told something whenever I talk to them or go by their house. I know this does not tell the whole story but this really rubbed me the wrong way. 

My story is above, and I am really trying but this really gets under my skin. I don't know if other men think of leaving their 25 year marriage, and I read it is mainly the women that leave.  I am having a really hard time with all of this. What she did tonite may seem minor to someone else but it is one more thing that makes me think WTF am I doing here. 

Thoughts?

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I haven't read you're entire thread, but from what I did read, I think your wife is a total trainwreck. I can't understand why you are still there putting up with all her manufactured chaos? She's not right in the head. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear. 

I mean, exactly WTF are you doing there?

[BaileyB]

She is a total train wreck. 

I can’t actually believe that you continue to have the expectation/complain that she would/doesn’t initiate sex. First, you cheated on her. Second, who wants to have sex when there is this much conflict in a marriage? 

[Xerad]

On 4/16/2020 at 9:47 AM, Gumbeaux41 said:

What do I do

Being dumped once or twice by the same person happens, I guess, but what you're doing is called volunteering.

[Gumbeaux41]

I have not been on this site in a year, today is August 23, 2022 and I decided to look at it tonite. What is weird I can retype the feeling I had a year ago in my post from August 21, 2021 because I feel the exact same way a year later.  Crazy!!!

[MilaVaneela]

2 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

I have not been on this site in a year, today is August 23, 2022 and I decided to look at it tonite. What is weird I can retype the feeling I had a year ago in my post from August 21, 2021 because I feel the exact same way a year later.  Crazy!!!

I’m going to ask this as gently as possible. If your wife is so horrible and your marriage unbearable… why not end it? I know, I know, “it’s not that easy” but- people do it every day. I was in an abusive marriage and it became unbearable so I got out.
 

I don’t want to cast blame on you but spinning your wheels and doing nothing whilst sighing over how awful your marriage is and how trapped by your horrible crazy wife is not productive or helpful to you. Your wife does sound very difficult and unstable from what you’ve told us here so why keep putting up with it? Do you enjoy the drama and chaos and being a martyr to the situation?

 

I understand that there can be mental hangups and such in a situation like this but… much like therapy, you only get out of anything in life what you put into it. Are you waiting for her to leave? Do you expect someone to come along and just fix the whole mess? I’m not trying to attack you, just to understand where you’re coming from and maybe help you think a little. 

[BaileyB]

12 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

What is weird I can retype the feeling I had a year ago in my post from August 21, 2021 because I feel the exact same way a year later.  Crazy!!!

Not really. You’ve tolerated this situation for a long time, it’s not surprising that you find yourself still in the same situation. 

Edited August 24, 2022 by BaileyB

[pepperbird2]

On 8/21/2021 at 11:38 PM, Gumbeaux41 said:

Hello everyone, i have not been on here in awhile. I dont know where else to post this, my story is on here. To get caught up, my affair is over, no contact, done for a year now. I am good with that.  My issue is I am really trying to work things out with my wife and we get along good, however I am not sexually attracted to her like I used to be. She does nothing to help the situation by coming on to me, and I dont try anything on her so it just gets worse every day. So we are having a dead bedroom syndrome. I am  a very sexual person and can think of all kinds of things to turn me on but she does none of it, in her mind it is my job to intiate and make it happen. That is problem 1.

Problem 2 is she is out of town with friends for the weekend and I am at home. I had a good day and ran across a friend of mine late this afternoon and he mentioned that he had cooked and asked if I wanted to eat. I said sure and ate with he and his family then left and went home, 1 hr max, no big deal in my mind. Well my wife txt and asked what I was doing and I told her the same situation. She then informed me that I quote "If you dont go to his house when I am home then dont go when I am not home, It makes me look bad".  Well the reason I dont go when she is home is because she is home... I dont go spend time with my friends is because she doesnt like the gf or wife, etc.  I on the other hand I want her to have friends and enjoy her friends, I DO NOT get that in return. I get told something whenever I talk to them or go by their house. I know this does not tell the whole story but this really rubbed me the wrong way. 

My story is above, and I am really trying but this really gets under my skin. I don't know if other men think of leaving their 25 year marriage, and I read it is mainly the women that leave.  I am having a really hard time with all of this. What she did tonite may seem minor to someone else but it is one more thing that makes me think WTF am I doing here. 

Thoughts?

 

Sigh….

Just divorce already. Yes, that means to some, you are going to be the “bad guy” for being the one to pull the plug, but as the saying goes, everything comes with a cost.

 

As it stands right now, you take little responsibility for your actions and continue to blame your wife for them. Until you stop that, your marriage is a sham. You insinuate that she, somehow, made you cheat because she diid/ didn’t do x, y or z, when the truth is, you did this all yourself. 

 

You say she doesn’t want to sleep with you? To be frank, why would she? Sex is often about intimacy, and right now, she may not feel close to you at all. That has to be earned. You treat her like a toy that should have no feelings that you can just put in and off the shelf when you need her.why would she have any interest in being close to you ? If she does, she stands the risk that you’ll cheat on her again. In her shoes, how would you feel? What would you want? Would you be willing to make yourself vulnerable, knowing you can’t trust her? 
That’s asking her to take a huge risk, and right now, the only “ data”she has to go on is that you cheat. Building back that trust and intimacy is going to take a long time, and being frank again, you come off as if you are staying with her out of spite or what she can give to you, There’s very little indication you care about her.

[pepperbird2]

12 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

I have not been on this site in a year, today is August 23, 2022 and I decided to look at it tonite. What is weird I can retype the feeling I had a year ago in my post from August 21, 2021 because I feel the exact same way a year later.  Crazy!!!

Honestly, that says far more about you than anyone else.

[BrinnM]

I’m not surprised. Things like that don’t usually change after such a long time. Too much resentment has built on both sides, and you guys don’t even like each other. 

[mark clemson]

I'm not going to advise you to leave, but multiple years seems like a long time to be unhappy in a marriage.  People slowly change over time and it's possible one day your wife will become easier to live with. However it's ALSO true that people "turn corners" in life and become so different from their prior "selves" that there's simply little comparison or commonality between "the person you married" and who they are now. Waiting for things to turn around may mean many years of add'l unhappiness, and things MIGHT never improve to a point where you can be happy. Some people turn into "Karens" and stay that way (and that goes for men as well as women).

If you've attempted to "work on" her and/or the marriage and it simply isn't having an effect, well, it would seem then that the situation speaks for itself. That leaves the decision about what to do about it (if anything) in your court.

Edited August 24, 2022 by mark clemson

[Myabee]

On 8/21/2021 at 10:38 PM, Gumbeaux41 said:

I am not sexually attracted to her like I used to be. She does nothing to help the situation by coming on to me, and I dont try anything on her so it just gets worse every day

Hi. I have also not read your entire thread. This part stands out to me as being a very big issue. While it's typical for a sex life to wane some after 25 years, it seems in this zero intimacy exists. Too me it aounds as if you are really afriad of change and the D words scares you. You have two choices, be up front with her kindly suggesting you are a man with sexual needs it simply start the divorce process!  What is the point of staying in a dead marriage? 

[Gumbeaux41]

Well this weekend we got into an argument and she wants me to leave and she wants a divorce. My question is should I leave my house?  This is the trigger that happened this weekend. She has Covid (she has cold like symptoms, mild flu, first day only)  got it last Thursday and I have been trying to keep my distance. I have not slept in the same room, sleeping in another bedroom to not be too close to her. Friday night in the middle of the night she txt, she is sad, and lonely and I do not answer as I am sleeping. I wake up pass by her room and went to the kitchen to make coffee. While there I am putting things in the dishwasher and he hollers at me, "You couldn't ask me how I was doing or tell me good morning". I really thought she was sleeping and was going to make the coffee for her. Well that was the start. She said she was up all night and she got dressed and went to the walk in clinic, I asked her where she was going she said, IF I would have cared and talked to her I would know her plans and left. 

She left and I went outside and worked outside, she got home, I went inside and she immediately started fussing about how she had to go to the DR by herself again and I am never there when she needs me. I walked out the house to avoid arguing. She later txt me "what time will I be able to talk to you" I said about an hr or so, was finishing up my outside chores. Went inside and she said how horrible of a person I was and she wanted me to leave the house and she wants a divorce because I cant take care of her in times of need.  Then asked me to get her meds and pick her up some soup, which I did. Came home and put together some soup and things kinda calmed down. 

Sunday came and I woke up asked how she was doing and I went to Church. Called on the way the way home and asked if she needed anything and she wanted donuts so I picked them up. Got home and fixed us both soup. THEN I asked her what spoon she wanted for her soup, and she said I ought to know what spoon she uses, and she doesnt want the soup on a tray, and how I don't know her, how horrible of a husband I am etc. I listened and she eventually fell asleep, I went outside to make a box for a statue she bought, while making the statue she txt me but I didn't see the txt. When I saw the txt 10 min later she said "I need ice water" so I stopped what I was doing went inside and said I coming, I am washing my hands, she said "too late" I got my own damn water.  Then It started all over again and she told me how uncaring, cold and heartless I was all thru the night while trying to get me to leave the house. Said I should be begging her in tears for her to not make me leave. I said I was not leaving last night and she said she needed a time. I said this afternoon I would leave, but I am not sure if I am going to leave.

[mark clemson]

20 minutes ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

. My question is should I leave my house? 

Talk to a family/divorce lawyer in your jurisdiction about that, as if there's really going to be a divorce doing this can have serious implications in some jurisdictions.

[Gumbeaux41]

I agree I am going to tell her I am not leaving, with the intent of talking to a lawyer first. She is under the impression she can kick me out of the house by calling the cops. From what I read in Louisiana only in the case of domestic violence, protective order etc. Which there is none.