Male in affair

[Amethyst68]

I still think you should give serious thought as to whether you want to remain married. You actually left your wife for another women twice and have been continuously on the point of leaving only waiting on this woman to give you the ok.

It's not fair on your wife and family, oh they may not know about it but believe me I wouldn't be surprised if your wife was aware that something was amiss. You may have been with your family physically but not actually with them 100%. They deserve better.

 

[stillafool]

On 4/16/2020 at 9:37 PM, Gumbeaux41 said:

I Am I mad at my wife for having an affair on me, at this point it does not bother me. 

To be honest, I would like to consider swinging with my wife, I think it would spice things up for us. Not so much for me to be with someone else but for her. 

If you haven't gotten over your wife's affair and no longer care why don't you just divorce then she will definitely have someone else of her choosing?  She may not want to swing with you but have her own relationship.

[Gumbeaux41]

While I read and understand what the both of you are saying, I am trying to reflect and do the right thing to save my marriage. I would have never thought in a million years that stopping an affair would be so difficult. I think I am having a harder time getting thru this that when I found out that my wife cheated on me. 

[Gumbeaux41]

So as I am laying in bed this morning thinking of Michelle I wonder what goes thru her head with all of the back and forth. When we started talking again 2 weeks ago she told me how much she loved me like she never has loved me and missed me so much etc. and to not give up on her. Well during some of our conversations it came out that her family had been inviting her husband to do things behind her back when they were split. Her family (mom and dad) said they were not going to stop inviting him because he was like a son to them. She said they never did that when here sisters left their husbands and do not know why they are doing that to her. I told her no man that gets with her, either me or anyone else will be ok with that going on. So needless to say we talked for about 2 weeks and she told me she couldn't do this any more and she has to make things work at home. So i guess she will be ok staying with someone who gets drunk every night and treats her likes s***. I will miss the relationship we had, talking every day and just having someone to talk to without being judged. 

Ladies maybe you can give me your perspective on what is going on in her head so I don't have to try to figure it out.

 

[Gumbeaux41]

Another thing she has not deleted nor blocked me on the app we were talking on, nor has she blocked me on FB, but we are not friends on FB.

[assertives]

On 5/1/2020 at 8:49 PM, Gumbeaux41 said:

I told her no man that gets with her, either me or anyone else will be ok with that going on.

To be fair, it isn't your place or any other man that gets with her to be ok or not ok with her parents deciding to form/keep a relationship going with their son-in-law whether she and he has divorced him or not. Her parents can decide they want a relationship with him though. 

As for what she's thinking about choosing to make things work with her husband, I'd say for some people pressure from the family to stay married is a pretty formidable force. Fear from being cut off by family is very real. Similarly, that pressure from family can also work in making them stop seeing someone too. Instead of wasting time wondering what's going on in her mind, why not spend that time and energy working on your own marriage or ending it if you have decided either way you no longer want to remain married? Once you have settled your own affairs, you may just find clarity in whether you want to continue seeing another man's wife long-term if she never leaves.

[preraph]

Her parents are doing that this time because they now realize he's the only stability in the marriage for the kids.  

[Amethyst68]

Quote

I am trying to reflect and do the right thing to save my marriage. 

This is directly contradicted by the the quote before.

On 5/1/2020 at 1:49 PM, Gumbeaux41 said:

So as I am laying in bed this morning thinking of Michelle I wonder what goes thru her head with all of the back and forth

If you truly wanted to work on your marriage that's what you'd be directing your thoughts towards. Oh it may not be where they may initially go but you would redirect them to your own marriage, your wife and family. Instead once again all your mental and emotional energy is going on your MW.

Why are you staying in the marriage? It's obvious you're not actually present there.

[stillafool]

On 4/29/2020 at 11:36 AM, Gumbeaux41 said:

While I read and understand what the both of you are saying, I am trying to reflect and do the right thing to save my marriage. I would have never thought in a million years that stopping an affair would be so difficult. I think I am having a harder time getting thru this that when I found out that my wife cheated on me. 

The only thing I see you reflecting on is this OW.  I hardly think opening your marriage up for "swinging" just so your wife can have sex with someone else is working on saving your marriage.  You can save your wife's time, energy and years of her life by letting her go so she can be with a man who loves and wants only her.  You seem very selfish.

[somanymistakes]

It's not "doing the right thing" trying to save your marriage - it's doing the easy thing, trying to find a way for you to have everything you want with as little cost to yourself as possible.

Doing the right thing starts with being honest. Tell your wife what you've done and how you feel. Work on what happens next together. Maybe what happens next is she throws you out, maybe what happens next is she wants to go to swingers parties, but she can't make any decisions if you're lying to her.

[Beca L]

3 hours ago, somanymistakes said:

 

It's not "doing the right thing" trying to save your marriage - it's doing the easy thing, trying to find a way for you to have everything you want with as little cost to yourself as possible.

 

Never heard it said so clearly and concisely before. WS should always be honest with their BS, let them decide what happens going forward. They are in the dark atm. Don’t they deserve the truth ? Behaviour has consequences and if you and your OW behave in a certain way towards your BS then you should be prepared to face the consequences. You shouldn’t both be cake eaters. 

[mark clemson]

Or, as an alternative, you could end the affair and never mention it. There are significant risks to you, to her, and to your marriage either way, so suggest you think about whether to do this very carefully. There are also substantial potential benefits to telling, aside from those mentioned so far, that go along with the risks involved.

If you do tell her, consider consulting a lawyer first, just so you know the impact the affair might have on any divorce settlement. The chance of a divorce is high, so that's something you'll want to know.

There's no way to exit an affair that is both completely ethical and completely risk-free.

[Gumbeaux41]

Well I am here again. I am talking with Michelle but I really want to stop. This push pull crap is driving me crazy. I have expressed to her on numerous occasions these last 2 weeks that we will never be more than what we are now. I don't think I could ever trust that she would never go back to her husband if we were to get together. Today she told me "are you sure you would want to start over" and that I have a lot to lose, she has basically nothing financially to lose. She thinks that would bother me in the long run. I am coming to the point that I have to let her go as much as I "THINK" she is what I would want. The problem is I am having a very difficult time letting her go. I REALLY wish I could just say go on and be on your way but I am having a hard time. She is also talking a different tune now that she has in the past, like she wants us to just cheat and stay how we are. Well I am not good with that, I have to make a decision and stick with it. The decision has to be to let her go, but HOW do I do it is the question.

[BaileyB]

 

17 minutes ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

I have to make a decision and stick with it. The decision has to be to let her go, but HOW do I do it is the question.

If you had a friend who came to you with this question, what would you tell him to do?

[notmyfinestmoment]

The letting go is the hardest part.  And that is a long, painful process, sometimes too painful for some which is why everything starts back up again.  NC seems to be the way to the other side from everything I have read.  I am in that process now and even at 4 months out , the sadness/missing him is still a part of every day life.    

I know you love each other, but unless something changes (ending your marriages), you will be stuck in this painful place of push/pull.   And that decision has to come without each other present otherwise you will never get clarity.  When you don't give yourself that time (and not just a couple of weeks), that is when flip-flopping can occur and it makes everything worse.   

So the question was how to let her go...distance and time.   And it is really, really hard.     

[Amethyst68]

This is not an honest woman, this is not a faithful woman. What on earth makes you think she's going stay with you?

I still think you should set your wife free regardless of what you choose to do, she doesn't deserve any of this.

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

This is not an honest woman, this is not a faithful woman. What on earth makes you think she's going stay with you?

Indeed, all this angst over a woman who by all accounts, is an absolutely terrible choice for a relationship partner. 

[Gumbeaux41]

Thanks for the comments and opinions, I absolutely agree with you both about her not being a trusting partner. Well as it has happened in the past, we were supposed to meet up for lunch and I was going to tell her that I am not doing this any more. I called her this morning and she did not answer, then called 15 min later and was blocked. I txt her if we were still on for lunch and she said "I cant". Well I then text her what I was going to tell her that I am not doing this any more. and for her to work on her marriage because that is obviously where she wants to be. 

Another thing she told me these last few days is about her husband how he is doing things different, more attentive, etc.etc. I said well he is trying, isnt that what you want. She said no he wants him to be his old way so it would not be so difficult if she were to leave, which I think is bulls***.

I know this will be tough but I have got to do this for my own sanity. BTW both of our anniversaries are on the same day, this Friday, just different years being married but the exact same day.

[Amethyst68]

You obviously spend more time thinking about her husband than your own wife......

Notice how there was not one word about her in there?

[Gumbeaux41]

I spend more time thinking about her, which is what I am trying to stop.

[Amethyst68]

My advice still stands tell your wife. I think you won't, not because you love and/or want her but simply because you want a safe, soft place to land until your OW gets bored playing happy families again and comes back to you for a quick fix.

Oh I think she's shown you're not the one she'll leave for but you'll do for a little bit of fun until he shows up or she gets a better offer.

[lurker74]

A couple of things. First, and I am thinking about saving a copy of this so I can paste it in every time I read one of these (that's not meant to be dismissive, just that there is a common thread to nearly every affair), is...

Your feelings for your AP and hers for you are lies.

That isn't to say they are conscious lies but that they are lies of dimension. Your relationship with Michelle has all of the good parts and none of the banal parts. You have an exciting, emotional connection, sexual tension, sex, and drama. Don't discount drama...the excitement of emotional turmoil and the eventual relief from it when you decide that "this time" it will work out is like a drug. But you don't have the boring things like who cleans the kitchen, who pays the bills, whether or not your kids are dating reasonable people, who's getting the oil changed. You don't have 20+ years of shared history where you get SOOOO tired of her not cleaning the drain in the shower or she gets grossed out by you clipping your toenails in the kitchen. How are your spouses supposed to compete with that? How is the rest of your life supposed to compete with that? So, like any drug, you have to learn to accept that the relationship is a lie because it's only two dimensions. A photograph is not a person...it is a flat representation of a person, just as your relationship with Michelle is.

 

Here's the second thing, and it's related to the above. Affairs by their nature create a push pull based on the constant stress, relief, delay response. You are stressed about sneaking around but also stressed about the need to see her. You see her and get this amazing relief from the stress in the form of a massive hormone hit. You come down from that stress and now you delay your actions that would lead to resolution because when we relieve stress, we take away energy. Just like a long day at work leads to a glass of wine, Netflix, and falling asleep on the couch instead of going to the gym, getting out to meet with your AP, banging, and returning "home" saps your energy. That goes for her too. It becomes an endless cycle.

That is why the only reliable solution to affairs is to end them. End them, remind yourself it's a lie, and then focus on your marriage, either fixing or ending it. If you end it, you begin - only begin - to have the strength to decide whether this person is someone with whom you want a real relationship. 

[notmyfinestmoment]

I just wanted to add that no one on this board knows your AP, so remember that when judgment of her character is being made by strangers.   For whatever reason, she is not ready to make the decision to leave and move forward with her life (either with you or on her own).   As you know marriages are complicated and if leaving were that easy, well than this board would be significantly smaller.   So maybe just look at it that way.  She just isn't ready to make a permanent decision, otherwise it would have happened.

Both of you can a breather and figure out what you really want.   As hard as NC is, I think it may be necessary in this case.    I don't say that lightly either.  I am in NC and it is really hard (brutal at times), but I was in a similar situation where he thought he could do it and when it came down to it, the reality of it made him pause.  As hard as letting him go has been, not being caught in his indecision is one of the things that brings peace in some moments.   

[Gumbeaux41]

Thank you Lurker and Not, you both shed some light on things. Additonal question/comment. I went to block her on fb last night but she beat me to it, so that is done. Maybe someone can comment on how can she go from talking like normal, to the next day, telling me she cant meet for lunch with and blocking me with absolutely zero explanation. However that wss my plan to go to NC but I was going to let her know.  I just dont understand how or why she does that???????

[BaileyB]

29 minutes ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

 Maybe someone can comment on how can she go from talking like normal, to the next day, telling me she cant meet for lunch with and blocking me with absolutely zero explanation. I just dont understand how or why she does that???????

This is a woman who has left her husband/changed her mind and gone home time and time again... she kicked her husband out of the house and filed for divorce, only to take him back and then kick him out again. She left her marriage and got her own apartment, stayed for a week, and then went back to her marriage. Is this kind of behavior/decision making not typical of what you know from past experience? I don’t know why she does this, but it seems to be a pattern for her - impulsive decision making, flip-flopping, unstable behavior. 

You really need to let go of the fantasy you have created about this woman and look at the reality here - she has a pattern in relationships that is difficult to understand, but is clear as day...

Edited May 21, 2020 by BaileyB