BaileyB Posted June 22, 2020 Share Posted June 22, 2020 19 minutes ago, Gumbeaux41 said: I tried and did everything to try and make her happy, but what do you do when a person is not.happy with themselves You save yourself and leave them to their misery. Honestly. Link to post Share on other sites
rjc149 Posted June 22, 2020 Share Posted June 22, 2020 Christ I am never getting married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 22, 2020 Share Posted June 22, 2020 14 minutes ago, Azincourt said: Get back with your wife and keep dating your girlfriend. Marriages often need sexual variety or they grow stale, as it did with yours after 2 kids and 26 years of marriage. Bring in new life to your marriage, work your issues with your wife, and suggest to her to keep her lover with her still. That's what I would do if I was you. In other words, inflict more harm on the woman you are bending over backwards to try and make happy... There is no shame in saying, this simply isn’t working for me anymore... Sure, it will cost you financially and it will be difficult for you both emotionally... but consider what you could actually gain... your own integrity, your freedom, the opportunity to find a loving relationship... worth the cost, in my humble opinion. I’m afraid that what you are doing by staying is simply prolonging the misery... Link to post Share on other sites
Azincourt Posted June 22, 2020 Share Posted June 22, 2020 3 minutes ago, BaileyB said: In other words, inflict more harm on the woman you are bending over backwards to try and make happy... There is no shame in saying, this simply isn’t working for me anymore... Sure, it will cost you financially and it will be difficult for you both emotionally... but consider what you could actually gain... your own integrity, your freedom, the opportunity to find a loving relationship... worth the cost, in my humble opinion. I’m afraid that what you are doing by staying is simply prolonging the misery... What harm? His wife was sleeping with another man. Which means she wasn't happy with the ways things were going within her marriage, but she was still with him despite this lack of sexual lust felt for him. Why was she married to him still despite having another man in her life? Because she loves him. Is the guy supposed to end the marriage because she slept with another man, when she loves him and it's obvious he loves her too? But he also feels a very deep connection with that former co-worker of his. If he dumps her, if he stops pursuing her; he will be terribly hurt over the loss of this lovely lady. By keeping her in his life he won't feel like his world ended. He'll be happy and he turn he'll have the emotional strength and the heart-felt tenderness for his wife, the mother of his 2 kids. To make her happy. To make the marriage strong again. And in turn, she should keep the lover she picked up along the way. A divorce would demolish this family. It will make their kids weary of marriage and of long-term relationships because of the intense strain a divorce would bring upon the family. A marriage is for a lifetime, not just for when life is good and everything's peachy. That means being miserable for a bit so they can be happy with each other for the rest of their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 22, 2020 Share Posted June 22, 2020 (edited) 59 minutes ago, Azincourt said: Is the guy supposed to end the marriage because she slept with another man, when she loves him and it's obvious he loves her too? I don’t call this love. Edited June 22, 2020 by BaileyB 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted June 22, 2020 Author Share Posted June 22, 2020 Bailey, I agree with you. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 22, 2020 Share Posted June 22, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Azincourt said: A divorce would demolish this family. It will make their kids weary of marriage and of long-term relationships because of the intense strain a divorce would bring upon the family. A marriage is for a lifetime, not just for when life is good and everything's peachy. That means being miserable for a bit so they can be happy with each other for the rest of their lives. Have they been miserable “for a bit?” What signs do you see that allow you to believe that there is the possibility of future happiness... And what exactly, are they teaching their children about marriage by both partners having affairs and/or doing as you would suggest and continuing with other sexual relationships while staying married. Not to mention all the arguments, the failed counselling attempts... I’m sorry to be blunt OP, but what you are both doing to each other is not good. I do not believe that you want to hurt your wife, but that is what is happening when you stay in a marriage and have an affair. And by your own admission, she engages in behavior that has been very hurtful to you - and she has not been willing to do what is required to change. At some point, surely it’s wise to just say - no more. This just isn’t working. Edited June 22, 2020 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Beca L Posted June 22, 2020 Share Posted June 22, 2020 22 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I don’t call this love. I completely agree. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted June 22, 2020 Author Share Posted June 22, 2020 Wife is gone for a week. I have a little time to figure out what I want. Ultimately I want her to be happy and me to be happy, however it can happen. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 22, 2020 Share Posted June 22, 2020 I don't think what either of you is doing is abusive - but - she will never be happy. It's just not "her". It's nice that you've been supportive of her all those years (prior to starting to have affairs and trying to leave) and now again and giving it much more than a real try. But it won't work because you're not providing what she needs to be happy. You're just the emotional sounding board. Possibly what she needs is serious IC and a bit more financial/worldly success to "be content with" or some serious "zen/spiritual" overhaul to completely get over material success (and honestly I think that's not likely to happen). Is there some way she could get free or heavily subsidized therapy? That might help somewhat. Maybe a career change or job advancement if that's possible? IF you truly believe you'd be happier alone, then that's something you must factor in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted June 24, 2020 Author Share Posted June 24, 2020 Well wife is visiting with her sister and has been kayaking and had a great time yesterday. Well this morning I get a txt from her and she says "My mind never stops". I say maybe you should look at adjusting your meds and she sends this "I have had a lot happen in my life. Not sure there is a med that would shut off my mind and allow me to function" Trust me she has not had a hard life at all, I have been doing 70% of the relationship up until I left, since then she has stepped up. But again she is never satisfied. I get another txt "Its not about giving her the world, it is about making her feel like she is the only one in it". This statement is what she thinks I should do every single day. Am I missing something? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 24, 2020 Share Posted June 24, 2020 (edited) You had an affair and if you intend to stay together, you have a lot of work to do to rebuild trust and make amends. It’s not easy to come back from infidelity, but if she wants that to happen she need to invest in making that happen. Doesn’t sound like she is ready to do that yet. She needs to go to counselling. She is clearly struggling with a lot of different things - personally and related to your infidelity. I don’t know what medication she is taking, but medication usually works best when it is paired with counselling. But ultimately, you are not responsible for her happiness. She doesn’t understand that she is the only person responsible for her own happiness. At the end of the day, if she wants to feel better it will be because she has done what is required to find her own happiness. Edited June 24, 2020 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted June 24, 2020 Author Share Posted June 24, 2020 She has no clue about my affair. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 24, 2020 Share Posted June 24, 2020 (edited) Oh, sorry - I thought she knew. Well then, either her spidy senses are tingling or she has some pretty significant personal and/or mental health issues. To say that this kind of behavior is self absorbed and entitled is an understatement. I believe that she has shown little interest in counselling. Not sure what else you can do here except as we have previously discussed, leave her to her misery. You can’t bring her happiness if she is determined to be miserable. Edited June 24, 2020 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted June 24, 2020 Author Share Posted June 24, 2020 I am going to have to tell her that she has got to go talk to someone for her sanity and for mine. I cant keep going on like this, always trying to make her happy it is wearing me out. I know all hell will break loose when I tell her. And the sad part about it is also she treats our 22 year old daughter the exact same way she treats me, and when our daughter defends herself, I am SUPPOSED to fuss at my daughter. However I agree with my daughter 90% of the time. Wife is a teacher of Special Ed behavior kids and she talks to me and my daughter like we are her kids in school. Never talks to our son that way at all. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 24, 2020 Share Posted June 24, 2020 You both need to realize you still have marriages that are at least as important as this affair and neither of you really wanting to leave them and stop hurting your spouses. I don't know why both of them haven't kicked you both to the curb. You need to start caring about other people's feelings and not be so focused on your own. You're just wreaking havoc with all these people's lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted June 24, 2020 Author Share Posted June 24, 2020 Preraph, I am talking about me and my wife, not the OW. I have not talked to her in a while. I am not sure what you are referencing. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 24, 2020 Share Posted June 24, 2020 29 minutes ago, Gumbeaux41 said: I know all hell will break loose when I tell her. And the sad part about it is also she treats our 22 year old daughter the exact same way she treats me, and when our daughter defends herself, I am SUPPOSED to fuss at my daughter. However I agree with my daughter 90% of the time. Wife is a teacher of Special Ed behavior kids and she talks to me and my daughter like we are her kids. Never talks to our son that way at all. Well, I hope she doesn’t talk to her children at school the way you have reported that she speaks to you. That would be extremely disturbing to me if I had a child in her classroom. What does that tell you? Individuals tend to be very aware of who they can push, and who they can not. Your story reminds me of my aunt. She had anxiety and other mental health issues, but she was just an unhappy, controlling, and difficult person. For years, she took her unhappiness out on her family. As a child, I hated going to stay in their home because she was unpredictable, and it very stressful to be in her presence. My uncle stayed, but they fought like cats and dogs. Until the day that he said, I can’t do this anymore, I’m done. Truthfully, he left and returned to her. He eventually gathered the strength to leave for good, not an easy decision because the divorce was difficult and costly. But honestly, they are both happier people apart. They all have their own homes and some clearly established boundaries. I would say this family is healthier and happier apart than they ever were together... They seem to be closer and have better relationships. Just some food for thought... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 24, 2020 Share Posted June 24, 2020 (edited) 39 minutes ago, BaileyB said: As a child, I hated going to stay in their home because she was unpredictable, and it very stressful to be in her presence. Yeah, it was stressful to go into that home because you just never knew what to expect. I’m sure that there was a lot that I didn’t see, but she could be very controlling, demanding, and entitled. It was her way or the highway. Unfortunately, her husband was a similar personality. There was no sex in the marriage for years (a key reason why he left). I walked on eggshells in that home, but I know there was a lot of conflict between my aunt, her husband, and the children. It was not a peaceful or particularly happy home. It’s amazing how one person can create such a challenging dynamic in a family. Edited June 24, 2020 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted June 24, 2020 Author Share Posted June 24, 2020 Oh I definitely agree Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted June 25, 2020 Author Share Posted June 25, 2020 Well I have been talking to Michelle since Monday, and it has not been the same. Well I just got a txt from her that I have got to find a way to move from her and she from me. She said she is trying to work things out with her husband and she cant with me in the picture. Ironically I have been feeling the same and I just got the 5 love languages and have been listening to it this morning. As I was listening to it this morning I thought about Michell and I how the infatuation has faded, and how it lasts around 2 years and reality sets in. So we are done and I have got to get her out of my mind and focus on my family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted June 25, 2020 Author Share Posted June 25, 2020 I can honestly say this is one of the hardest things to do is to stop. I dont ever want to so this crap again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted June 25, 2020 Author Share Posted June 25, 2020 Dont want to ever do this again. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted June 25, 2020 Share Posted June 25, 2020 On 5/27/2020 at 6:14 PM, Gumbeaux41 said: I am over AP and realize exactly what you are saying about her. The issue now is about my wife not AP. Well so much for that quote. Your wife obviously acts the way she does for a reason. Look up gas lighting, you may not have admitted your affair but she's not stupid and knows something's going on, call it intuition if you will. Some domestic abuse charities call it the worst form of emotional abuse. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted June 25, 2020 Author Share Posted June 25, 2020 Well I want to be honest on be here, yes I stumbled and talked to her. I said that is one of the hardest things to do. I told my friend earlier this morning that I felt the affair was dying, well it is dead. Trust me I wish I could have just turned a switch off to be done. Link to post Share on other sites
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