Male in affair

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Amethyst68 said:

I really don't get how people don't see how you have gas lighted your wife about your affair so much that it has contributed so much to the mental health issues you continually post about.

Yeah, but are these mental health issues a result of the affair that she knows nothing about, or were they pre-existing? That is the question. 

While I do believe that she must have some idea that something has been going on... given some of the things that have been shared (and given, we have one side of the story), I find it difficult to believe that some of these mental health issues were not pre-existing/related to personality. I can think of a lot of betrayed spouses on this board who were angry, and very hurt, by their husbands behavior but they still sound much more reasonable and had better self control than this woman.

[mark clemson]

I don't know about mental health, but certainly issues of being a difficult partner. The two may be related, dunno.

 

On 6/26/2020 at 6:45 AM, Gumbeaux41 said:

This is what I get constantly from her, and yes I have been getting this long before my affair years before.

 

Of course, we are only hearing one side of the story. But, one side only is how it generally is around here.

[pepperbird]

8 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

Bailey, I agree with you, it has caused some resentment for her because of that. I dont think I have ever stood up to her from the beginning. Again if I say anything to her that hurts her I have to hear about it for weeks. To be honest cheating for me was wrong but this is the exact reason that I sought out to others. I feel like I am in the same position I was in before I cheated except my wife does more around the house. 

I;m not trying to take a shot at you at all when I say this, but it sounds to me like you're having a lot of trouble seeing this situation from her point of view.

You might want to try this exercise. It's kind of like the old debate tactic of arguing for the other side ton try and understand their reasoning.

Try putting yourself into her. position.  Not just the typical "walk a mile in her shoes" bit, but the whole kit and caboodle. Turn off your perspective-it has no place in this. Just look at the situation form her point of view alone.
Looking at your marriage from her point of view, how do you feel? Why would she  have all these negative feelings? If you were her, and you only based your answers on her experiences/perceptions, would you say she's  been treated well by you being your wife?
Now, add to the equation how you have had at least two affairs, openly admit on here you would have left if the conditions were right and the reasons you stayed was your OW balked.
Keeping all that in mind, can you honestly, hand over your heart, say that you did your part in creating a marriage where your wife could feel happy and safe? I don;t see how you could if you had one foot out the door all that time.

This is what you're up against in trying to sort this out. It doesn't sound like your were fully "there" for a very long time. That's had a very negative effect on her, and she doesn't even know why.
 

[Amethyst68]

15 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Yeah, but are these mental health issues a result of the affair that she knows nothing about, or were they pre-existing? That is the question. 

While I do believe that she must have some idea that something has been going on... given some of the things that have been shared (and given, we have one side of the story), I find it difficult to believe that some of these mental health issues were not pre-existing/related to personality. I can think of a lot of betrayed spouses on this board who were angry, and very hurt, by their husbands behavior but they still sound much more reasonable and had better self control than this woman.

I don't know, I just don't buy him, I don't buy the whole calm measured demeanor.

I think he's never got over his wife's affair and that's ok but what's not ok is his behaviour after. The leaving twice and coming back is almost torture, I've asked what reason he gave and never got an answer but I bet he's got his wife bending over backwards so he won't do it again, thinking she's to blame.

There's also a pattern to his posts, he comes on complaining about his wife's controlling ways, her bad behaviour and then sneaks in that he's been back in contact with Michelle. We'll see if it happens again, of course now that I've brought it up it who knows.

As I said I think he owes her the truth and they need to talk frankly about their marriage. From an outside view they're toxic but couples like these seem to go on forever.

[Gumbeaux41]

Her insecurity issues have always been there. Nothing I do is good enough to make her happy. I am a firm believer there is nothing I can do, within reason, to make someone happy if they are not happy with themselves. She lays in bed and says she hates herself, and thinks back to anything and everything in the past, how she messed up in life and how bad her life is, (which it is not, she is on her 4th trip this summer btw.) She suffers with depression and is on medication that she takes daily. I can remember when we were dating looking at the way her mom treated her day and I said to myself I would never put up with that. Well she is not as bad as her mom but she is like her in a lot of ways. Her mom was really mean and treated her very bad when she was younger. She had to move and go love with her sister, wife is the youngest of 5 and her dad was always working out of state so the mom was home alone most all the time. 

Anyway she is very demanding, wants what she wants, NOW and gets pissed if it doesn't happen and is very verbal about it. We used to go to counseling but the counselor was always on her case about how she acts. Like texting me 152 times in 2 1/2 hours while I am at work for example. She definitely has a good heart and trys to please everyone else but gets upset when it is not returned. She gives our 23 year old daughter HELL, always on her case. I can relate because my daughter is like me and she treats us both the same. She is slowly pushing her away. On the other hand she treats my son like a saint.

I am really trying to open up to her and tell her how I feel. I have let things go on for so long it may be a challenge. 

I am not trying because Michelle went back. In the beginning when I came home she begged me to leave my wife and I couldn't. I felt like I could not trust her if we were together that she would not go back. That does not mean I don't miss her because I do, I miss our friendship, someone to talk to and not be criticized and analyzed. 

[Gumbeaux41]

Ameth, I like your candidness, however I am the calm one, rational one. I have always been, I have been pulling the majority of the load in this marriage for YEARS. I can promise I do more than the majority of men out there. Since I left she has finally gotten out her chair and started helping in the house. For example, she is a teacher at home all day right now, I work all day come home, then I have to cook. The clothes are usually piled in the laundry room, however she has been better at that. I used to come home and all she did all day was sit in her chair and play on her phone. Now we have an grand daughter (4) so she takes care of her now, which I understand is demanding. 

My problem is I think I have always let her have her way, and always said whatever you want and never stood up for myself. That is my issue I am working on, so we will see how she handles that. 

 

[Gumbeaux41]

And no I did not tell her about Michelle, I told her I was not happy in the marriage, which I have not been for years. I told her that I had been waiting for the kids to graduate before I left which was the honest truth. However even with Michelle, I could not find it in me to leave. Now Michelle is not in the picture and I am trying to make changes for the better. We will see in time if it is with her or not, because if the root of her issues do not change, the poor me routine which I have been hearing for 20 years does not change I will have to make a change. Yes financial reasons are a big issue for me which I guess is an issue for most people. 

[Hrgirl915]

I appreciate your perspective. Kuddos to you for having the strength to end the affair. It may have sparked some excitement within you that had felt somewhat dead, but it did not sound like a healthy situation overall. The push pull behavior is emotionally draining. As for your marriage, it is easy for people to judge. Perhaps your wife still feels guilt from her affair? Maybe that is why she is so negative regarding herself. Life is very complex. I don’t advocate that people stay in unhappy situations because life is so short. Hopefully with Michelle out of the picture, you’ll be able to focus on your marriage, what you want and what means the most for you to work towards in the end. 

[Gumbeaux41]

Well we have been fighting quite a bit lately. She was sick with pneumonia for several weeks and went for a checkup at the dr. I was working and she got extremely upset because I did not come home for lunch the day she went to the dr and check up on her. She merely went to get her antibiotics refilled. WELL all hell broke lose after that. She is now saying she will not love every day waiting for me to leave. She wants someone who showes her love and that will take care of her if she is sick. On the day she went to the dr, she got so mad, she started txt me and I recieved 145 txt that day. Tellng me everything I have ever done wrong, how horrible of a person I am, etc etc, yes 145. So I made an apt with our counseor myself and went talk with him. Frankly he was shocked and said we are in a toxic relatioship that is not good for either of us and I need to do something. He basically said I need to leave her, either temp, or permanant. Well i got home and discussed some of what he said with wife. She got mad and told me to leave. I didnt and we are talking now. I basically hear EVERY how she doesnt know if she can live with someone who.told her he doesnt love her(me a long time ago) and the anxiety of thinking I will leave again. Now to add to it, I have taken a substantial pay cut due to the economy and financial issues are not.helping. 

[mark clemson]

It doesn't sound like there are any easy answers for you. FWIW, from what you post I agree with the comments of your counselor.

[BaileyB]

Your counsellor confirmed what we have been trying to tell you... This is a toxic relationship, what the two of you do to each other is not ok, and Why either one of you would ever chose to stay in this marriage is beyond me...

[Gumbeaux41]

Anoother thing, I have not talked to Michelle (xAP) in quite a while but for some reason I have been missing her terribly lately. The only thing I can think of is her bday was 2 days ago on the 9th. I am good for a while not missing her then it becomes almost unbearble how bad I miss her. Does anyone else experience this?

[Azincourt]

Quote

Anoother thing, I have not talked to Michelle (xAP) in quite a while but for some reason I have been missing her terribly lately. The only thing I can think of is her bday was 2 days ago on the 9th. I am good for a while not missing her then it becomes almost unbearble how bad I miss her. Does anyone else experience this?

 

Nope.

When I get dumped, I just shrug it off.

When I get cheated on, I just shrug it off.

When I get rejected, eh, you know what I do, take a guess!

Life's too short to be wasting any seconds on someone that isn't a good fit for me, and honestly, you'll get over it in time.  Either the pain and the sorrow will gradually vanish until it's gone, o you'll meet someone else and Michelle will be just someone you used to know.

Edited September 11, 2020 by Azincourt

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

 I am good for a while not missing her then it becomes almost unbearble how bad I miss her. Does anyone else experience this?

Sounds like you might have limerence. Make it impossible (or as close to that as possible) to contact her and your brain may start to "leave you alone".

[Bittersweetie]

8 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

Anoother thing, I have not talked to Michelle (xAP) in quite a while but for some reason I have been missing her terribly lately. The only thing I can think of is her bday was 2 days ago on the 9th. I am good for a while not missing her then it becomes almost unbearble how bad I miss her. Does anyone else experience this?

In the time immediately after my d-day, I thought about xAP a lot and wondered why. I didn't want to be with him, so why was I thinking about him? I realized I was doing it as a mental escape from the current situation at that time. Could it be you are thinking about her to escape what you are currently going through?

[Gumbeaux41]

You know I never thought of it this way, that could be exactly what I am doing, and not even aware that I am doing it. 

[BaileyB]

She is obviously your coping strategy of choice. It would be only logical that you would focus on her when things are not good in your marriage. It appears to be a pattern...

[Hrgirl915]

I think your current stressors are causing you to miss a place of comfort in Michelle. The escape from reality. Just remind yourself that reigniting that situation would not help you in the least.

[Gumbeaux41]

My wife is constantly reminding me how horrible of a husband I am. When we go to sleep at nighr, she wakea up in the middle of the night, and first thing in the mornimg. And shs wonders why I dont talk to her in a sweet voice, why i am not all lovey dubby.  Because I am constantly getting beat up. This morning she said she is trying to figure out how she can leave. I came sit with her tonite and rubbed her arm. She asked me why are yoi doing this, you said you dont love me and your actions show it. It is kinda hard to be caring and compassionate when I am constantly being bashed.

[BaileyB]

Have you considered the counsellors advice in any way? 

Edited September 15, 2020 by BaileyB

[Milly May June]

Honestly, your wife senses something is very off and she is reacting. Do your self and your wife a big favour. Tell her about your previous affair and own your choices (so she knows she is not crazy for sending something is off), separate for a period to evaluate what you both want moving forward.  This dance of resentment, anger and hostility you have towards eachothet is not healthy. 

[Gumbeaux41]

This is something I have been dealing with for a long time. The affair and talking with a friend (guy) friend that I trust has made me realize that I deserve better. I got woke up this morning to being fussed at about my job and how horribe of a husband I am. Then when I said I am tired of being fussed at all the time I was wrong again. I was told why cant i just hold her and console her when she has anxiety. Well it is kinda hard when I am trying to defend myself.

[Amethyst68]

Your actions have shown you will walk out on her without a second thought. You've done it twice and she's probably making herself I'll waiting for the next time. 

Your situation is a consequence of your own actions.  You chose to cheat and now you get to live with the result. 

It's time to be honest with your wife, once she knows the truth her anxiety will be so much better. 

[Milly May June]

Op, What are the reasons you choose to stay with your wife? Why do you not choose to leave this marriage? You are both suffering in this limbo and you both deserve something else then what you are giving and getting in return. I guarantee you that your wife can sense something is wrong and she is lashing out on you in an unhealthy way. It is not healthy and it is cruel of how you treat each other. There must be a reason why you are still with her. What is it? Is it love for her or fear of being lonely or loosing your family and security? Is it co-dependancy? Be honest with your self. If you love your wife then let your IC know and plan on how to move forward. If you are staying for selfish reasons, man up and leave the marriage. Give your wife the oportunity to start a new life. Life is short to be misrable. But whatever you choose please disclose your affair. Own your choices to cheat. Not telling your wife is cruel and takes away her ability to make a choices about her future. At the very least tell her so she knows she is not being crazy by lashing out.. I can bet money on she already suspects. 

[mark clemson]

On 9/14/2020 at 8:29 PM, Gumbeaux41 said:

My wife is constantly reminding me how horrible of a husband I am. ... This morning she said she is trying to figure out how she can leave.

Given all you've written, if it were me, I would take this seriously and be prepared for it to happen. I think she no longer knows how to be happy with you. If you've left twice and come back to her, she may be thinking that may happen again soon anyhow.