Married and sleeping with Co-Worker

[MrsAnonymous]

Hi all, 

My husband and I have been married for 20 years. During our marriage, my self esteem has gone down and I didn't feel wanted at times. I've met this amazing man at work. He's funny, compliments me, amazing sex and I just feel so wanted being around him but I know what I'm doing is wrong.

Any other women on here cheating and can give me advice on how to overcome my feelings for this new man.

Thanks

[ElecLibre]

Hi! Unfortunately getting over someone you are still attracted to is hard enough, without adding the fact that you have to see them every day! Usually if I need to get over someone I write a list of reasons why it's not a good idea to pursue this, and what I have to lose (in your case, your mariage). It also helps to cut all contact, it's so difficult in the beginning but with time you get used to their absence and it gets easier..

[MrsAnonymous]

2 minutes ago, ElecLibre said:

Hi! Unfortunately getting over someone you are still attracted to is hard enough, without adding the fact that you have to see them every day! Usually if I need to get over someone I write a list of reasons why it's not a good idea to pursue this, and what I have to lose (in your case, your mariage). It also helps to cut all contact, it's so difficult in the beginning but with time you get used to their absence and it gets easier..

I can't get over him! I look forward going to work because I'll see him......

If you don't mind, have you ever cheated on your husband?

[ElecLibre]

2 minutes ago, MrsAnonymous said:

If you don't mind, have you ever cheated on your husband?

No, I'm currently single but sleeping with a married man. In the past I have cheated on my long-term boyfriend at the time. 

I totally understand that exhilarating feeling of looking forward to seeing someone and grabbing onto every second of attention you get from him. From my experience and from what's generally posted on this board it gets difficult fast. If you choose to pursue this affair you have to be really in touch with your own emotions and accept that you'll always come second place in his life, especially after the initial passion phase fades. Working with him will become harder especially if he decides to end it some day. You have to decide if it's worth the pain and heartache that you will feel inevitably somewhere down the line.. or the other option would be to consider a change of job. If you really enjoy your job I would highly recommend you to take the upper hand and end this on your terms, sooner rather than later. Just my two cents

[Buckeye2]

29 minutes ago, MrsAnonymous said:

I've met this amazing man at work. He's funny, compliments me, amazing sex and I just feel so wanted being around him but I know what I'm doing is wrong.

What you’re doing is wrong because it’s not fair to your husband.   Divorce him (tell him about your boyfriend or not).  Set your husband free and free yourself of guilt.  Embrace your new wonderful life and enjoy it.

Either that or ask your husband for an open marriage.

[stillafool]

I agree just seek a divorce.  Your husband will never give you what you're getting from the man at work but can create those feelings with another woman.  Let him go.

[Bryanp]

How would you feel if the roles were reversed? You need to check for STD's as well.

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, MrsAnonymous said:

Any other women on here cheating and can give me advice on how to overcome my feelings for this new man.

I'm not a woman, but if this is your goal I'd strongly advise you to end this ASAP. The reason is your feelings are likely to intensify and may eventually become limerence. This is an involuntary mental state of "being in love" and is similar to addiction in many ways. In fact cocaine addiction apparently activates many of the same brain circuits involved.

If you find yourself thinking of him constantly, feeling intense longing/starting to cry a little when you think about him, or feeling "dreamy", all of those are very bad signs.

Here's a quote from someone I'm pretty sure had limerence. You DON'T want to end up like this, it's mental torture. Cut this off now...

 

On 1/9/2020 at 2:32 PM, Madd_hatter said:

I know.. but it’s so hard to let him go, emotionally. I feel like I love him in my heart, in my mind and in my soul. It feels so real. Limerence, obsession, whatever it is, it’s strong and it feels like i have no control. I’ve told my therapist. I’ve even recently told my closest girl friends who already knew but didn’t know it was still this strong...stronger even. He’s all I think about. I can not, absolutely cannot get him out of my head. It’s driving me insane. I want him so so badly.  

 

[schlumpy]

5 hours ago, MrsAnonymous said:

my self esteem has gone down and I didn't feel wanted at times. I've met this amazing man at work. He's funny, compliments me, amazing sex and I just feel so wanted being around him.

Please understand that your husband feels exactly the same way you do. He also would like amazing sex and someone interesting to talk to that makes him laugh just like he remembers. He also deserves to be wanted.

So let him know that he is now in an open relationship so he that he can once again enjoy connubial bliss. Or are you too selfish to consider it?

[usa1ah]

Why don’t you be a sport and give your husband a divorce. That way he can find a woman that feels that way for him that you feel for your coworker.

[Guildford]

Can you tell us why you feel this loss of self-esteem?  Has your husband contributed to this loss of self-esteem and how is your marriage generally,  your affair not withstanding?  You need to evaluate your whole marriage and your relationship with your husband.  After that you need to discuss this whole situation with your husband.  It is nice that you look forward to going to work every day.  Most people don't enjoy their job that much.

[Buffer]

Hi young lady BS here, has your OM seen you at your worst, stressed, period, hung over, etc?
No, he only sees you when you are at your best. You dressed more sexy for work, grooming for him. With a quick catchup you most likely rush to the restroom to tough up your make up and or hair  

Also pushed hubby away, Denied him sex and other things, assuming that you have re written the marriage so to justify your conscious actions unfortunately to cheat. 
Just get tested for STDs and D hubby. Tell him you are over the marriage and have a new beau. Also let him know that you are STD free but he should be tested. 
one day at a time 

Buffer

[GoldenR]

I feel sorry for your husband.  You're playing him for a chump.  

[BaileyB]

16 hours ago, MrsAnonymous said:

Any other women on here cheating and can give me advice on how to overcome my feelings for this new man.

Are you prepared to do the hard thing - to go no contact with this man, find a new employer if you can not avoid seeing him at work, and tell your husband such that you create some accountability for yourself. Because, that’s what you will need to do to be truly successful in ending this affair. 

Feelings aside, they are unlikely to go away. But, you can make decisions that prioritize your marriage - if that is what you want for your life.

If you are not prepared to do these things, you should really divorce your husband. It’s not fair to him to continue in your affair, getting your needs met elsewhere while keeping the comfort and stability of your marriage. Most men don’t take kindly to their wives having sex with other men, I’m sure he’s not the perfect husband (none of them really are), but he deserves more than this...

[pepperbird]

op,
I understand why you felt a desire to be with this guy because your marriage isn't exactly a great place to be. The thing is that what you are doing will have long term consequences for you and your family. If it doesn't mesh with your own values system/ values, it can also really negatively impact you, eroding your self esteem even more.

Just my experience, but usually, people don't do things for no reaosn. You could have been attracted to this guy but not start sleeping with him. Instead of just filing that attraction away in your mind as a passing feeling, why did you choose to act on it? Why did you choose to enter the minefield that is an affair? What made the risk worth it to you? What was he providing to you that your spouse isn't? Do you think your husband will ever be able to provide it to you?  If not, why?

I'm asking this because part of your "recovery" from the  affair, if you want to view it that way, can be doing some work on yourself. You're not a terrible, irredeemable person, forever labeled a cheater-you're a human being, and human being screw up sometimes. They key is to learn form it and move forward. What that will look like will be something you will have to decide.

 

[Blind-Sided]

I've never cheated on any one... but I've been cheated on.  That same love you feel for your OM is probably the love you H feels for you.  So do the right thing, and file for a divorce.  I will say this... your co-worker may not see things the same, once you are honestly available. 

[Dimjo9]

23 hours ago, MrsAnonymous said:

Hi all, 

My husband and I have been married for 20 years. During our marriage, my self esteem has gone down and I didn't feel wanted at times. I've met this amazing man at work. He's funny, compliments me, amazing sex and I just feel so wanted being around him but I know what I'm doing is wrong.

Any other women on here cheating and can give me advice on how to overcome my feelings for this new man.

Thanks

Cheating destroys relationships, no matter how careful you are soon u will be caught.. “what is done in darkness, will go into the light”.. u come clean & tell your H.. after whatever he’s decision accept it.. 

[Amethyst68]

IMHO I don't think you want or are ready to stop the affair. The tone of your posts suggest you're nowhere near ending the affair.

I hope I'm wrong, if I am you need to go fully NC, including getting a new job asap and telling your husband the truth of what's been going on.

[MrsAnonymous]

I want my husband to be like this man I'm having an affair with.

It's such a thrill every time we text, send pics and meet at his house.

I'm with my husband because we've adopted 3 of our grandkids and they need the both of us. 

Having sex with this man is so amazing. I've never been so sexual towards someone and never been satisfied by man the way he has

What I'm doing is wrong but it so feels like it's worth it. I can't get this man out of my head. 

Hopefully my husband changes and becomes more like the man I'm seeing.

My greatest fear is this is only fantasy and not real. 

Edited April 18, 2020 by MrsAnonymous

[Amethyst68]

2 hours ago, MrsAnonymous said:

I want my husband to be like this man I'm having an affair with.

It's such a thrill every time we text, send pics and meet at his house.

I'm with my husband because we've adopted 3 of our grandkids and they need the both of us. 

Having sex with this man is so amazing. I've never been so sexual towards someone and never been satisfied by man the way he has

What I'm doing is wrong but it so feels like it's worth it. I can't get this man out of my head. 

Hopefully my husband changes and becomes more like the man I'm seeing.

My greatest fear is this is only fantasy and not real. 

You need a reality check and fast!

You think this man is going to hang around and help raise 3 children that aren't his? It's not very likely.

Of course everything's wonderful and the sex is great when you're sneaking off to meet him. It's not real. You've got no responsibilities, no commitments, no arguments about money, the children, laundry, shopping, cleaning not to mention a thousand and one other things that annoy us in day to day life.

Quote

Hopefully my husband changes and becomes more like the man I'm seeing.

So your husband needs to find himself an OW and start an affair? You should let him know immediately so he can start looking! SMH  It's not your husband that needs to change -it's YOU.  

BTW I hope you're actually not meeting him at this time. That you're actively putting your husband and children's lives at risk just so you can have sex with your OM. I'm  pretty sure there will be quarantine or lockdown procedures in place where you live, so you know the dangers. It would be extremely selfish of you  endanger your family's lives by meeting him but going by the content of your posts I wouldn't be surprised to hear it.

I know not everyone agrees with what I'm going to say next but you need to tell your husband. You're already risking his life by meeting the OM during this pandemic, this man deserves full knowledge of what's going on in his own life he can make a fully informed decision on what to do next, he also needs to go for full STI testing.

[Buffer]

Hi MrsA 

Sorry but unfortunately yes it is just a fantasy. Hubby will never be like the AP. How can he? He isn’t a person who knowingly cheats with a married woman. If it is just sex, teenage sexting and unicorns land, it will come to a thump when caught. 
You could ask hubby to dress like the POS, bang you like POS, even send him sexting picks and messengers like POS. But that would raise his suspicion. Just how will the three adopted children feel when you break hubby’s heart 💓? 
I understand you are in a fog, thinking of only what is between your legs. But not one thought for the children that you have taken onboard. As a parent or grandmother it is your actions right here and now that steers them through life decisions. I notice you never mention your feeling for hubby or the children. Only POS. 
Again please leave D and let him and the kids find a spouse to love and support them. You move in with teen lover boy. sorry but it is just a fantasy fog. Please can you do anything Say IC or a sex therapist for BS? That might help him be like POS. He also could go out meet and bang another married woman. Then he would be like POS. 
One day at a time
Buffer

Edited April 18, 2020 by Buffer
Spelling

[GoldenR]

You want your H to be like your boyfriend, and I'm sure he wants to be married to someone that's loyal and doesn't have sex with the first guy that looks her way. 

Neither will ever have what you want. 

Divorce him.  

Edited April 18, 2020 by GoldenR

[DKT3]

6 hours ago, MrsAnonymous said:

I want my husband to be like this man I'm having an affair with.

It's such a thrill every time we text, send pics and meet at his house.

I'm with my husband because we've adopted 3 of our grandkids and they need the both of us. 

Having sex with this man is so amazing. I've never been so sexual towards someone and never been satisfied by man the way he has

What I'm doing is wrong but it so feels like it's worth it. I can't get this man out of my head. 

Hopefully my husband changes and becomes more like the man I'm seeing.

My greatest fear is this is only fantasy and not real. 

What do you need to change into? A wife

[Blind-Sided]

6 hours ago, MrsAnonymous said:

1) I want my husband to be like this man I'm having an affair with.

2) It's such a thrill every time we text, send pics and meet at his house.

3) I'm with my husband because we've adopted 3 of our grandkids and they need the both of us. 

4) Having sex with this man is so amazing. I've never been so sexual towards someone and never been satisfied by man the way he has

5) What I'm doing is wrong but it so feels like it's worth it. I can't get this man out of my head. 

6) Hopefully my husband changes and becomes more like the man I'm seeing.

7) My greatest fear is this is only fantasy and not real. 

I know 3 women going through want you are doing.  Since I'm not the guy who they are involved with, I can see the truth from the "Outside"... and you are a blend of all 3 of them.  So here's the truth. I just had to add numbers to make this easy...

1) He probably was at one time.  But like a shiny penny... it fades over time unless YOU do something to make it shine. And the #1 issue is YOU ! You have focused on someone else, and you will NEVER See your husband as that shiny penny ever again.  This is the true reason the saying "The grass is greener" was developed.  And once you get to the "Other side" you will finally see the truth of your actions, and that the grass may not be green at all. (More on that in #7)

2) I'm sure it is.  It's like getting a new car.  You are happy with all the new features... but eventually, the normal, daily wear will make it less fun.

3) Who cares.  They may "Need you"... but you have already abandoned them. (mentally)

4) Sure it is.  He does things your husband never did... I'm guessing. (everyone is different) Even my new GF says how great this is.  Her last SO wasn't very active... and I was kind of deprived from my exW. So I was ready to act like I was 18 again in bed.  But you have to remember... for a female... sex, and the pleasure it brings is 90% mental for a women. (assuming your H doesn't have a medical issue)  AND... because you have already turned your brain off toward your H... then it will never be good.

5) It's not.  The fall out will happen once you are found out.  Your H will kick you to the curb, and now legally... he won't have to help you financially. Many of your friends will judge you... and your family probably will too.  I'm starting to guess the reason my exW went with the abuse story, and tried to spread it around is because she wanted to make herself look good and cover her affair.

6) He's not the one who needs to change... YOU ARE !!!!!  If you have a problem with your H, and he is a "Good guy"... then talk with him, and work with him.  But at this point, you don't really want to do that.  The reason I say this is... my one female friends had her OM kind of turn into an ass, and she decided to try to work with her H again, and everything was fine.  I even thought they were going to be OK... but as soon as her OM talked to her nice... her rings were off, and she was gone again. (Sad)

7) Your fear will come true eventually. The only reason it's fun is because of the anticipation. It builds excitement.  But I'm guessing that once you are found out... the truth will all come falling down on you.  Your H will REALLY never be the same, and if he's like most men... you will be gone.  And... after that happens... you will be sad, and the sex with your OM will not be so good, because it can be whenever you want. You will look for someone to attach to... and your OM will probably not be there for you. This is will become the truth of the "Grass is greener" syndrome. I'm guessing your OM won't really want you as his new GF. (Assuming he is actually single)  And when you are partly rejected from him... the fantasy will be totally shattered.  You will not be welcome in your current home... you will not be welcome in your OM's home... and you will may even be ostracized by your own family.

I know I've painted an ugly picture... but that's the truth of an affair. The only person who is happy is you.  It's like a drug "High"... eventually you will come down from it, and find yourself in a bad place. I'm sorry you have found yourself here... but that's the open truth to it.

Edited April 18, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, MrsAnonymous said:

I want my husband to be like this man I'm having an affair with.

Hopefully my husband changes and becomes more like the man I'm seeing.

My greatest fear is this is only fantasy and not real. 

Oh, this is pure fantasy... it’s an extramarital affair. The excitement of sneaking around and illicit sex pretty much guarantee that you build a larger than life perception fo this man and throw all your good sense out the window... you are sending him pics, for goodness sake. 

And darling, your husband ain’t going to change to become more like this man. People just don’t change in this way. Talk about fantasy.. Besides the fact that he doesn’t even know he is competing with this fantasy man, he has been with you so long and you live life’s daily stresses together... that kind of deep, abiding, long term relationship can’t possibly compete with the intense high of a new relationship, an illicit affair. 

No, the problem here is not with the husband, but with the wife. I feel badly for the grandchildren, if I’m correct in my assumption, their parents are no longer in their life if you are caring for them as their guardian. And now, their primary caregiver, the person they rely on the most in this world, is putting the stability and happiness of these children at risk, by her own selfish behavior. 

Edited April 18, 2020 by BaileyB