Married and sleeping with Co-Worker

[Dimjo9]

On 4/20/2020 at 2:15 PM, MrsAnonymous said:

Thanks for your responses

I can't get over this new man, I want to stop this but as soon as we talk all I want to do is be alone with him.

We ended up having sex at work and I had the use the morning after pill because I was so turned on, I didn't care we weren't using a condom.

My husband suspects something and I do want to end this with the other man but I've never felt this feeling before

Does this man truly love me? 

He tells me he'll do anything for me and a queen deserves to be treated better. I hope he's not just feeding me this for sex..... I so confused and unsure if what I get from him is real or still it just fade away after a while

Your OM gaslighted & sweet talk u for the adult fun.. The repercussions & results not worth a nickel or dime.. Everything u work with ( career & family ) will be gone soon..

Confess to your H & let him do what’s right & due him.. Your family will be so hurt but they will move on.. if OM is married try spilling to his wife or partner.. wait for his reactions..😭

[lifeoflies]

On 4/17/2020 at 7:30 PM, Amethyst68 said:

IMHO I don't think you want or are ready to stop the affair. The tone of your posts suggest you're nowhere near ending the affair.

I hope I'm wrong, if I am you need to go fully NC, including getting a new job asap and telling your husband the truth of what's been going on.

why tell the husband? 
he has a right to know? 
if she tells him, the marriage is probably over.   If she does the NC and gets a new job maybe things will work out, especially if she's contrite in her heart.  Yes, i know many of you want to know the truth but what would the truth buy this poor guy?  it's actually selfish since it will only assuage her quilt and crush this man.  she feels better by doing the right thing and he feels like a chump and ends up worse.  if i were her man, i would walk away and not look back

Edited April 24, 2020 by lifeoflies

[DKT3]

42 minutes ago, lifeoflies said:

why tell the husband? 
he has a right to know? 
if she tells him, the marriage is probably over.   If she does the NC and gets a new job maybe things will work out, especially if she's contrite in her heart.  Yes, i know many of you want to know the truth but what would the truth buy this poor guy?  it's actually selfish since it will only assuage her quilt and crush this man.  she feels better by doing the right thing and he feels like a chump and ends up worse.  if i were her man, i would walk away and not look back

It's not about guilt,  it's about giving someone important in your life the information that they need to make the best decision for them in what kind of life they want to lead.  The selfish thing is making unilateral decisions and thinking you know what's best for others.  Cheaters are shown themselves incapable of making decisions with thier families best interests in mind.

[lifeoflies]

22 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

it's about giving someone important in your life the information that they need to make the best decision for them in what kind of life they want to lead

thank you for your viewpoint. 

you say its about giving important information that they need for the best decision.  I agree that the information is important but is it important for him to get it from you?  why?  consider how this information will affect him. 

 

how can you be so sure he needs it? 

how will the knowledge help him to make the best decision? how about NOT forcing this guy into a decision, in the first place? 

I know i wouldn't want to know.  he's going to get his feelings hurt big time.  he's going to think about you with this guy every day.  he will never get over it. 

if he finds about it later from another source, i can assure you he wont be sorry you didn't "fess up" earlier.

Go and sin no more

[Dimjo9]

1 hour ago, lifeoflies said:

why tell the husband? 
he has a right to know? 
if she tells him, the marriage is probably over.   If she does the NC and gets a new job maybe things will work out, especially if she's contrite in her heart.  Yes, i know many of you want to know the truth but what would the truth buy this poor guy?  it's actually selfish since it will only assuage her quilt and crush this man.  she feels better by doing the right thing and he feels like a chump and ends up worse.  if i were her man, i would walk away and not look back

The OM is highly probable to tell her Husband especially if she will dump him.. This is male ego.. She's in a point of no return.. Either continue & enjoy it as long as it takes, or confess !!

[Guildford]

Even if Anonymous does end the affair and change jobs,  her husband will still suffer.  She has said that he is suspicious, and if she does not come clean he will be going through a great deal of pain for years to come.  He has a right to know.

[pepperbird]

10 hours ago, lifeoflies said:

why tell the husband? 
he has a right to know? 
if she tells him, the marriage is probably over.   If she does the NC and gets a new job maybe things will work out, especially if she's contrite in her heart.  Yes, i know many of you want to know the truth but what would the truth buy this poor guy?  it's actually selfish since it will only assuage her quilt and crush this man.  she feels better by doing the right thing and he feels like a chump and ends up worse.  if i were her man, i would walk away and not look back

The man the OP is fooling around with could very well be sleeping with a string of other women. The OPs husband has every right to protect himself.
Its just another part of the crap sandwich BS get handed. Having to go to the doctor to ask for an STD panel and why. That being said, it's a lot better than finding out one has an STD but not how or why.

[pepperbird]

9 hours ago, lifeoflies said:

thank you for your viewpoint. 

you say its about giving important information that they need for the best decision.  I agree that the information is important but is it important for him to get it from you?  why?  consider how this information will affect him. 

 

how can you be so sure he needs it? 

how will the knowledge help him to make the best decision? how about NOT forcing this guy into a decision, in the first place? 

I know i wouldn't want to know.  he's going to get his feelings hurt big time.  he's going to think about you with this guy every day.  he will never get over it. 

if he finds about it later from another source, i can assure you he wont be sorry you didn't "fess up" earlier.

Go and sin no more

Sorry, but this is "cheater logic"- what you don't know won't hurt you?

If the BS here finds out in any other ay than from her, I can assure you he will loathe the OP and likely never, ever be able to trust her again. He may even be physically ill at the sight of her, and you know why?
Because every time she laid next to him, every time they talked, every minute they spend together is an opportunity for her to have told the truth. Every time they made small talk, pillow talk or communicated at all, she could have told him. Instead, she actively made the choice to continue lying to him over and over and overt and over and over and over ad nauseum.

In his shoes, do you think you'd be "oh thank you honey for lying all that time to protect me" or do you think he would feel "how could you lie like that to me all this time? What else are you lying about?" Especially here where there's a chance a video of he shenanigans may come to light.Right now she has a golden opportunity to come clean before he finds out another way. At least, she can apologize and have it mean something- "sorry I hurt you", not "sorry I got caught".

[pepperbird]

8 hours ago, Guildford said:

Even if Anonymous does end the affair and change jobs,  her husband will still suffer.  She has said that he is suspicious, and if she does not come clean he will be going through a great deal of pain for years to come.  He has a right to know.

This is the type of situation where gas lighting often comes into play. That can be a total mindf#ck.

[Amethyst68]

10 hours ago, lifeoflies said:

why tell the husband? 
he has a right to know? 
if she tells him, the marriage is probably over.   If she does the NC and gets a new job maybe things will work out, especially if she's contrite in her heart.  Yes, i know many of you want to know the truth but what would the truth buy this poor guy?  it's actually selfish since it will only assuage her quilt and crush this man.  she feels better by doing the right thing and he feels like a chump and ends up worse.  if i were her man, i would walk away and not look back

I'm betting you've a history of cheating by your response. No BS would ever give reason this out but a WS would go for this easy out every time. Oh and don't bother giving the argument that it's actually harder because the cheater's dealing with all the guilt their own. No-one really buys that but other cheaters.

Edited April 24, 2020 by Amethyst68

[Emilie Jolie]

11 hours ago, lifeoflies said:

why tell the husband?

Because it's the right thing to do. That's all.

Apparently MsAnonymous is not in the mood for acting like a respectful marriage partner, though.🤷‍♀️

[mark clemson]

@lifeoflies as you can see, there is more than viewpoint on the "tell" issue.  I view it as a case-by-case decision to be made by the WS with many factors to consider.

Keep in mind that, generally, if a WS tells there can be advantages. After all "coming clean" shows, among other things a sincere interest in accountability, which may help the BS get past what they have done. I suspect that often it doesn't matter, particularly for wives telling husbands, but no doubt SOMETIMES it does.

For this particular OP, I'm not sure it matters. This is just my guess, but it sounds to me like discovery is coming sooner or later anyhow. I doubt many men could get over the video thing, although I suppose you never know.

[stillafool]

On 4/20/2020 at 5:15 PM, MrsAnonymous said:

We ended up having sex at work and I had the use the morning after pill because I was so turned on, I didn't care we weren't using a condom.

I didn't know Grandma's needed the morning after pill.

[TestyTestospherson]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I didn't know Grandma's needed the morning after pill.

Veering off-topic, yet I suppose if a woman were to have a child at a young age--let's say first child at 18, and then 18 years later, that child has children, grandma might only be in her 30s.

[stillafool]

On 4/18/2020 at 2:10 AM, MrsAnonymous said:

Hopefully my husband changes and becomes more like the man I'm seeing.

I hope you know that your husband wishes you would change and become a more exciting sex partner as well.  He probably also wishes you would dote over him the way you do this man.  Don't think your husband doesn't look at other women wishing he could do the same thing you're doing with this man.  You aren't the only one in your marriage that is starved for good sex and affection.  When one partner is no longer feelin it neither is the other one.  Tell him the truth and ask for an open marriage so he can get some too.  Would you mind if your husband gets a side girlfriend?

[lifeoflies]

46 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

@lifeoflies as you can see, there is more than viewpoint on the "tell" issue.  I view it as a case-by-case decision to be made by the WS with many factors to consider.

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies to me comment on telling.  You've given me food for thought.  mark clemson's response most clearly identifies my opinion.  I realize many who post here have been cheated on and i respect your feelings.  I dont like being referred to as just another "cheater" but, those of you deeply hurt by this have every right characterize me any way you want.  i cheated twice,  20 years ago and now.  I am in the middle of divorcing my wife.  we should have divorced 20 years ago.  i wasn't courageous enough then.  I still think telling the BS is NOT always the best decision but i understand how many could differ

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, lifeoflies said:

why tell the husband? 
he has a right to know? 
if she tells him, the marriage is probably over.   If she does the NC and gets a new job maybe things will work out, especially if she's contrite in her heart.  Yes, i know many of you want to know the truth but what would the truth buy this poor guy?  it's actually selfish since it will only assuage her quilt and crush this man.  she feels better by doing the right thing and he feels like a chump and ends up worse.  if i were her man, i would walk away and not look back

No.  Why should her husband not know the type of woman he is married to?  Why should he live a lie?  Is that fair to him?  Doesn't he deserve a woman who actually loves and wants him too?  He needs to be tested for stds as well.

[lifeoflies]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I won't say it could never happen but I know damn well I wouldn't act on it.  That is the type of woman I am.

ok..thanks for responding.  I acted on it one time so you know what type of man i am?

Edited April 24, 2020 by lifeoflies

[Emilie Jolie]

Just now, lifeoflies said:

So you say.  IMO its much more complicated than that.  But..if you were cheated on or cheated with, i probably wont convince you.  remember, in the case i was referring to, the woman who is cheating has broken off contact and wants to move on with her husband. 

I've not been cheated on (that I know of) nor did I ever cheat. I don't have the mental energy for it, and I believe I have a sound moral compass. I know that stuff happens in life that you can't always control, and that human relationships are complicated, I know there may be situations  in which telling your partner might possibly be counterproductive under very limited circumstances (an unplanned ONS, perhaps?) but keeping it to yourself without any kind of soul searching is selfish, and a sustained affair (more than once) is a big deal to hide to your partner. 

Overall, I've not seen a compelling argument justifying not telling, because I'm a huge believer of actions ----> consequences chain of events.

With that said, Mrs Anonymous doesn't seem to be open to any kind of self-reflection at the moment 🤷‍♀️.

[mark clemson]

There can be selfish reasons to tell, such as guilt, as well as unselfish ones.

Telling can blow up lives, impact children, etc. Your children being raised 50% of the time by a stranger (whose personality you have ZERO control over) may end up being a high price for them to pay for you to "live your principles", esp. since you've already violated them. To be fair, you already took that risk when you had an affair.

We had (and I kid you not) a thread here where a BH literally ran off, joined a motorcycle gang, and became a cocaine addict.

"Consequences" cannot easily be controlled with precision by those who would put them into play.

[DKT3]

The only justifiable reason to not confess is a REAL fear of violence.  All other reasons are EXCUSES that should have prevented the affair from happening in the first place.  

[mark clemson]

Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Personally, I'm not going around encouraging people to have affairs in the first place. I also try to take a lighter touch when tinkering with the unpredictable chemistry of other people's lives, instead of attempting to force my views on them.

Many people in this world fall into the trap of attempting to apply principles they strongly believe in situations where they don't work particularly well. No one sitting behind a keyboard gets to experience the inherently unpredictable "consequences" that a specific WS may be foisting upon their BS, children, AP, OBS and their children, and others. Just because things worked out for the best, or at least "ok" in one situation has little bearing on the next.

[pepperbird]

1 hour ago, lifeoflies said:

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies to me comment on telling.  You've given me food for thought.  mark clemson's response most clearly identifies my opinion.  I realize many who post here have been cheated on and i respect your feelings.  I dont like being referred to as just another "cheater" but, those of you deeply hurt by this have every right characterize me any way you want.  i cheated twice,  20 years ago and now.  I am in the middle of divorcing my wife.  we should have divorced 20 years ago.  i wasn't courageous enough then.  I still think telling the BS is NOT always the best decision but i understand how many could differ

I'm  BS. my husband told me that he had cheated.
He wad deployed a couple of weeks later for almost a year, so I had LOTS of time on my own to consider what to do. I am very glad he told me because it gave me agency over my life. It also let me see I wasn't crazy, seeing something that wasn't there.

Each couple has to find its own way,  but I find extended dishonesty really troubling.

[pepperbird]

We're getting a bit off topic- not pointing fingers-I did it too🤣

Op, how are you doing today?

[DKT3]

22 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Personally, I'm not going around encouraging people to have affairs in the first place. I also try to take a lighter touch when tinkering with the unpredictable chemistry of other people's lives, instead of attempting to force my views on them.

Many people in this world fall into the trap of attempting to apply principles they strongly believe in situations where they don't work particularly well. No one sitting behind a keyboard gets to experience the inherently unpredictable "consequences" that a specific WS may be foisting upon their BS, children, AP, OBS and their children, and others. Just because things worked out for the best, or at least "ok" in one situation has little bearing on the next.

I get what you're saying,  but really it's not the real issue.  Confession isnt what breaks up families,  its what you're confessing that breaks up families.  Confession or not it's not really in your control.  The only thing you can truly control is how the BS finds out.