Married and sleeping with Co-Worker

[Emilie Jolie]

26 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Personally, I'm not going around encouraging people to have affairs in the first place. I also try to take a lighter touch when tinkering with the unpredictable chemistry of other people's lives, instead of attempting to force my views on them.

Many people in this world fall into the trap of attempting to apply principles they strongly believe in situations where they don't work particularly well. No one sitting behind a keyboard gets to experience the inherently unpredictable "consequences" that a specific WS may be foisting upon their BS, children, AP, OBS and their children, and others. Just because things worked out for the best, or at least "ok" in one situation has little bearing on the next.

I think I'm pretty open-minded as far as trying to understand why people go down that road; that's where the complixity comes in, imo. It happens, it's more of a dealbreaker to some than it is for others, and that's fine; it's a compatibility thing like any other, and I totally get why some couples want to work past it. The not telling part is, in actual fact, a question of ethics; the consequences of your actions are out of your hand, that's part of the risk you take when you cheat. 

MrsAnonymous doesn't really seem to be eaten up by this moral dilemma at this moment in time so I suppose the question is moot for this thread.

[mark clemson]

@DKT3  A fair point, and (IMO) the chances of "uncontrolled" discovery is one more risk to be weighed, along with (IF one is going "secrecy") how much plausible deniability one may have. The risk may be minimal, but unless the AP died or something it will not be zero.

I see an undiscovered as a lot like dynamite. Sure we say "the dynamite blew up your house" and that's true. It's also true that it didn't blow up your house until someone lit it (however that happened) and people store andtransport, etc explosives every day. To be fair, if ordinance exploded at the rate affairs are discovered, we'd probably be handling it very differently.

Edited April 24, 2020 by mark clemson

[lifeoflies]

I knew this topic of telling/not telling would be controversial.  Thank all of you for engaging with me.  For many of you with old or fresh wounds, my comments might have seemed clueless.  the situation under consideration was a bit different from most.  If my experience with infidelity had been as the BS, i might feel differently.  I have no idea how painful it was for you.  I was not making light of it.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

There can be selfish reasons to tell, such as guilt, as well as unselfish ones.

Telling can blow up lives, impact children, etc. Your children being raised 50% of the time by a stranger (whose personality you have ZERO control over) may end up being a high price for them to pay for you to "live your principles", esp. since you've already violated them. To be fair, you already took that risk when you had an affair.

We had (and I kid you not) a thread here where a BH literally ran off, joined a motorcycle gang, and became a cocaine addict.

"Consequences" cannot easily be controlled with precision by those who would put them into play.

FWIW, I remember this thread to which you refer. Took him many years to get his life back on track but he was still struggling..

[Buffer]

On 4/22/2020 at 7:47 AM, MrsAnonymous said:

 

 

Ms Anon,

How is BS and children doing?

buffer

[BaileyB]

17 hours ago, lifeoflies said:

you say its about giving important information that they need for the best decision.  I agree that the information is important but is it important for him to get it from you?  why?  consider how this information will affect him. 

I know i wouldn't want to know.  he's going to get his feelings hurt big time.  he's going to think about you with this guy every day.  he will never get over it. 

if he finds about it later from another source, i can assure you he wont be sorry you didn't "fess up" earlier.

That’s your opinion. I disagree. 

I personally wouldn’t care who told me, I would just want to know so that I could make informed decisions for myself and my children. 

Dare I say it, I would actually respect my husband more if he came to me with truth and honesty. To me, that shows some integrity and perhaps, even some remorse. Yes, I would much rather hear it from my spouse than a third party. 

In much the same way that a parent would rather hear about the house party their child throws when they are away from their child, not the neighbours... It usually goes much easier on the child if they are honest and take responsibility for their actions than if they don’t disclose the offence and they are discovered in another way, or they are outed by another person.

[oldtruck]

On 4/24/2020 at 12:15 AM, lifeoflies said:

thank you for your viewpoint. 

you say its about giving important information that they need for the best decision.  I agree that the information is important but is it important for him to get it from you?  why?  consider how this information will affect him. 

 

how can you be so sure he needs it? 

how will the knowledge help him to make the best decision? how about NOT forcing this guy into a decision, in the first place? 

I know i wouldn't want to know.  he's going to get his feelings hurt big time.  he's going to think about you with this guy every day.  he will never get over it. 

if he finds about it later from another source, i can assure you he wont be sorry you didn't "fess up" earlier.

Go and sin no more

because time after time the BS finds out 10 - 30 years later.

their brain screams that the life they lived was on a lie.

only if they had found out before they had kids with the WS.

only if they had know their child was an OC.

only if they had found out years ago when they were young enough to start their

lives over with a new faithful spouse.

and, you ask why the BS needs to be told. the WS was brave enough to cheat

then they can be brave enough to tell their BS. worse then cheating is condemning 

their BS to live their life based on lies.

[MrsAnonymous]

I'm f***ing pregnant, I can't believe it's come to this

[Dimjo9]

20 minutes ago, MrsAnonymous said:

I'm f***ing pregnant, I can't believe it's come to this

U have to tell your H & the OM.. time to start a new life with Him.. hear what the OM will say !! 😭

[Buffer]

Congratulations?

I take it it isn’t your husbands. It sounds like a terrible situation to be in. Most likely it will be the OM’s due to the hook ups at work, on the road and at his place. Do you think you will be able to convince hubby he is the child? Might be a hard sell, he already suspect’s. Please don’t deceive him of that.

I think now you may have to tell husband you are pregnant. And start making plans to move out. I can’t see your BS wanting to take on the responsibilities of another mans child. As well as maintaining a house and the children already there.

I believe you should still have access to the adoptive children, but looking after a new born and paying support to BS. Things might get a bit tough, most likely OM will have to help making those payment. 

You will be tied to OM for the next 18 years. Regardless of which way you go. Please start taking care of yourself, you are now looking after two. Be honest with all.

One day at a time.

Buffer

[DKT3]

7 hours ago, MrsAnonymous said:

I'm f***ing pregnant, I can't believe it's come to this

Why don't you believe its come to this? This is an example of the delusional shortsightedness that infects the minds of people in affairs. 

If you stick your hand in a fire its going to burn you, if you drink a bottle of vodka you will get drunk. If you have unprotected sex with a man not your husband you get pregnant.  No shocking news, no surprise. Affairs always lead to chaos, always. The only variant is how far reaching the chaos is. 

Edited April 30, 2020 by DKT3

[BaileyB]

I’m not surprised. It seemed the logical next step...

[pepperbird]

10 hours ago, MrsAnonymous said:

I'm f***ing pregnant, I can't believe it's come to this

I can't tell you what to do, but if you decide to have this baby, you NEED to tell your husband.
I'm not saying that out of consideration for you, your MM or even your husband. I am ONLY saying this out of concern for your child. It is absolutely heartbreaking for an adult to find out the man that raised them, isn't their biological father. Please, please PLEASE don't do that to someone.

[preraph]

Hello, it's 2020.  Birth control has been around for 60 years.  

[GoldenR]

Jumped the shark with that one. 

[MrsAnonymous]

I can't believe this mess I'm in, I'm done with this affair and wish I stayed loyal. I'd give anything to have things back to what they use to be. That other men just told me he's been thinking and he doesn't truly love me. I going to have an abortion but what do I tell to my husband 😥 this man manipulated me and just used me for sex!

[Buffer]

Sorry it has come to this.

3 hours ago, MrsAnonymous said:

I can't believe this mess I'm in, I'm done with this affair and wish I stayed loyal. I'd give anything to have things back to what they use to be. That other men just told me he's been thinking and he doesn't truly love me. I going to have an abortion but what do I tell to my husband 😥 this man manipulated me and just used me for sex!

Unfortunately if you feel he manipulated you for sex then, really didn’t you think that was possible? Some here advised this.

Again the considerations you have to take into account are, your grandchildren, your betrayed husband, your unborn child and the workplace. Each are going to weigh heavily on you but one you cannot ignore is your unborn. Your body your choice. Hubby will need to know as he may be needed to help you after the medical procedure. Also he needs to know the state of his marriage. 
good luck to you, please tell him. The longer you wait the harder it will be for him to accept. You will need him.

One day at a time.

Buffer

[GoldenR]

6 hours ago, MrsAnonymous said:

I can't believe this mess I'm in, I'm done with this affair and wish I stayed loyal. I'd give anything to have things back to what they use to be. That other men just told me he's been thinking and he doesn't truly love me. I going to have an abortion but what do I tell to my husband 😥 this man manipulated me and just used me for sex!

Ok....I'll play. 

And if he HAD said he loved you?  Then what?  You would have left your family to be with him? 

[pepperbird]

7 hours ago, MrsAnonymous said:

I can't believe this mess I'm in, I'm done with this affair and wish I stayed loyal. I'd give anything to have things back to what they use to be. That other men just told me he's been thinking and he doesn't truly love me. I going to have an abortion but what do I tell to my husband 😥 this man manipulated me and just used me for sex!

Until you stop that  mindset, you be stuck right where you are.
This didn't happen to you you. You decided to make it happen. You don ;t get to cry "he manipulated me!" just because you;re female and got caught, quite literally, with your pants down. Blaming it all on this OM is a sure way to an unhappy life.
You've got a lot of fires to put out right now, but once that's done, you might want to consider why you even lit the match in the first place.

[Bittersweetie]

1 hour ago, pepperbird said:

Until you stop that  mindset, you be stuck right where you are.
This didn't happen to you you. You decided to make it happen. You don ;t get to cry "he manipulated me!" just because you;re female and got caught, quite literally, with your pants down. Blaming it all on this OM is a sure way to an unhappy life.
You've got a lot of fires to put out right now, but once that's done, you might want to consider why you even lit the match in the first place.

Yes, exactly. An affair is a choice that you made, that I made. And affairs have consequences...consequences that I dealt with, and that now you are dealing with. Take full responsibility for your actions and choices. Will it be easy? Heck no but it is the adult and honest thing to do. Good luck.

Edited May 1, 2020 by Bittersweetie

[mark clemson]

Your story does seem to be quite the object lesson. And in only seven posts, too.

I suppose those who may read it will indeed be able to learn and take heed from your story and not have unprotected sex on video or similar in an affair with the office philanderer. So there's at least that for you to take comfort from.

Let's hope that your husband doesn't find out next and divorce you, leaving your life in shambles. That would be most unfortunate.

MM holding the video over your head as some sort of threat/leverage would also be a possible negative outcome here.

It's really too bad.

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, MrsAnonymous said:

I can't believe this mess I'm in, I'm done with this affair and wish I stayed loyal. I'd give anything to have things back to what they use to be. That other men just told me he's been thinking and he doesn't truly love me. I going to have an abortion but what do I tell to my husband 😥 this man manipulated me and just used me for sex!

I know this is hard but this man did not manipulate you because you knew exactly what you were doing.  As far as sex is concerned you both used each other.  It's just that you fell in love with him but he didn't with you.  Tell your husband the truth that you fell in love with a guy at work.

[pepperbird]

op,

it's time to do the right thing. It;s not about whether or not you're a bad person, the MM is a bad person or anything else. yes, you made some bad choices, but that doesn't have to be your whole life.
-why did you decide to get involved with this guy in the first place?

- what were the justifications you gave yourself to make it seem okay? do you feel they were valid at the time, or did you think they were flimsy? do you still feel they are there?

-what will you do to keep this from happening again in the future?

[LynneVicious]

You have to begin with some introspection and understand why you had an affair, instead of just claiming he manipulated you. That’s a cop out and you know it.

Use this as a learning experience. What it ‘should’ do is cause you to look within yourself and how you wound up in your current predicament. You made some terrible choices. And you need to own them. That’s part of learning and growing as a person. 

If you’ve already decided to terminate the pregnancy, then I believe you’re making the right choice for you. The mm’s words and actions should tell you everything you need to know.  Now you need to be honest with yourself. And your husband. 

[BTDT2012]

Did the morning after pill fail?