Crying over someone I left

[Irmaa]

Hello, A few years ago I broke up a dating relationship with a Christian man. he treated his parents really well. And me too. He truly adored me. He was in his thirties and me in my late twenties.  Now, years later. I find myself single and looking back if I made the right choice or if I was not accepting of people. He IS MARRIED NOW and since he got married 4 years ago  I did not hear from him. The other day, he contacted me to ask me how me and my family were doing with coronavirus. I live in EUROPE, he lives in the STATES, where I lived for some time and, where he is from. Now, after writing to me, I have had inner turmoil, I have shed many tears. I feel as if I could have been more accepting of someone who was madly in love with me. and I would be married now to someone who was really happy to meet me. He said he loved me for my values, yet at the same time said a couple of comments that made me feel uncomfortable. Please, what I sam going to say is true. I am saying because I am not kidding and I feel like I could not share this with my closest ones, it is too embrassing for me to speak my heart. 1. This man was great to me always, THAT IS WHY I HAVE BEEN CRYING FOR 10 DAYS. So I am trying to think of the things that AT THE TIME made me break up after almost 1 year. I would like you to tell me if they were reasons that make you cringe or that he was simply a man. I must tell you I was very innocent. 

 

·         A couple of months after meeting, when I first saw his house he told me he wanted to give me a back massage (not in a sexual way, he remarked) But I felt uncomfortable with that massage under the clothes (in the back only). I felt somehow uncomfotable. Am I too prudish?

·         one day he told me if he could touch my breasts to see if I had breast cancer (some months later)

·         one day he told me: I have very good intentions towards you (and we surely had them because he wanted to marry me and also believed in waiting until marriage although he messed in the past he was commited now) so I do not understand this comment : I have very good intentions, If I had wanted to rape you, I could have done that. /(would it be like a woman saying: I have good intentions, if I were just going after your money, i would have already taken it from you?) OF COURSE HE WAS NOT A Rapist , this comment was just a random one. He had never raped a woman, ok? On the contrary. 

·         one day I was getting out of the car and he told me: watch out your little butty (when locking the door)

·         He told me one day to a lake and told me to get in my swimming suit, he did the same. Then he said: this is me, do you like it? I guess because we met online on a Catholic site so we both were marriage oriented and you want to make sure you are really attracted to the person? I felt somehow uncomfortable but I also think he was being practical?

·         One day we were passing by a red light district and he told me: this is where men come to fulfill their fantasies.

·         One day he told me a very dirty joke and I told him I was bothered by it and he told me I should laugh.

·         He tried to cope me, put his hands under my clothes and underwear, not to arouse, just to get a grope- It was pleasant because I liked him but at the same time I know it was not right. 

·         He told me if we get married I want to be open to having intimate relationships, even if I do not feel like it (not if I am sick). I understand you do this out of love for the other but I guess I was a bit taken aback by the statement.

·         There was a woman from his past that he told me he could not reveal me who she was to respect her privacy. The thing is that she was one of her best friends. But I know for sure they did not have an contact except if they see each other at Walmart, but it was a person he wanted to keep her privacy because they had an extramarital affair 5 years before we met as she has having a bad marriage. This situation made me very anxious and doubt of myself. Yet I knew he was TOTALLY INTERESTED IN ME.

I guess like I ask this to some people will think I a way too Prudish. Is it normal to feel uncomfortable with this comments when a man is so serious about marrying, so much in love with me? was I too prudish? Should have I been more forgiving with his past? Will God punish me? Will I be able to love forward? His writing to me know has triggered old feelings again, made me question whether I was a bad person or not for leaving him after 8 months of dating. I look back and I see a man who truly adored me and wanted to give me all and I turned it down.I feel as If I I could have been more accepting and I kind of regret the decision I took, although at the time I was better as friends I appreciate your thoughts. THANK YOU

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Edited April 17, 2020 by Irmaa

[stillafool]

Actually he sounds kind of creepy.  You mention a lot about how much he cared for you but you don't say if you were in love with him.  I think if you weren't you would have just settled if you had ended up marrying him.  Maybe you are sad that you are still single and looking back at past opportunities which is normal.  Give yourself time to meet a man you love to marry.

[Irmaa]

1 hour ago, Irmaa said:

 I appreciate him much more as time goes by and you look backwards and You realise. I was much younger and thought there would be someone better for me, and the one that glimpsed my mind turned out a fraud after meeting him after,  and now I see better because I have not been treasured like him, nobody looks at me or if they do they have ghosted (1 person). A woman wants to be cherished and he did that to me. That is why his message hit me hard. 

 

 

Edited April 17, 2020 by Irmaa

[stillafool]

Well if he is now married and contacting you in another country he isn't so great.  He may be cheating on her and that could be you.  You probably dodged a bullet.

[preraph]

Oh, my God, he sounds HORRIBLE!  What about this stuff you wrote makes you LIKE him?  He gave you a breast exam????  That is unbelievable.  This guy is a complete creeper.  And he's now doing things behind he's wife's back like contacting all his old gfs, probably hoping for some nude photos.   That comment about he could have raped you is a big red flag!!  THAT was in his brain before it came out of his mouth.  You need to grow up and block this guy instead of trying to make him into some ideal you passed on.  Anyone who wouldn't pass on a guy who gave her a breast exam really needs help.  

[Difficultstuff]

I think you made the right choice.

You say that he was 'great to you always' but then list a lot of things that made you uncomfortable.

Maybe some of those could be interpreted differently in the context of a relationship. It's not uncommon to maybe be flirty or suggestive with someone you're seeing. But a lot of how you describe it does sound 'creepy', as someone else said. I'd add 'sleazy', too, however much he may have said he loved you.

I don't think you were too prudish. I think you probably knew deep down that he wasn't right for you, and acted on that.

Maybe you haven't quite resolved your feelings for him. Certainly the current situation is making a lot of us think about things that have happened in the past, or people who we once had feelings for but who are now distant. So maybe that's happened to him, and now to you.

But I don't think you were a bad person, or that you won't find someone in the future. You just need to get over this little hiccup and keep living your life. I'd suggest not being in touch with him again, as it obviously has upset you. And especially because he's both married and on a different continent.