Not sure how to handle things with my daughter, 19

[chillii]

Hi people .

l'm not sure how to , well , actually not sure of anything, with my daughters situation right now.  lot of women in ls and they were all 19 once too right , well l dunno.

She's been at a real loss this last yr or two , she's out grown most of her old friends , finished school and hasn't decided on uni yet so it's been hard for her to meet new people , friends , and she's started going out with this guy 7mths ago , but really , it's a nothing too. l know she's just at a loss and wants the company , she likes him of course but even admits herself lately she can't see it going very far or as a long term thing and she's worth way way more than he'll ever be and that's not a dad talking it's just who she is. She's very smart very pretty has a lot of big dreams, extremely talented and there's much she wants to do in life , his just a country boy works in a supermarket and wants nothing more.

l mean yeah , of course she does care for him and yeah she sorta needs him to right now and as we all know that's a bad reason to be with someone but l dunno , these times and periods we all go through growing up , even after growing up. But l feel so helpless . And to top it off he doesn't really seem that into it either and l'm worried she's just a convenience for him even more than him to her . We've talked about everything a bit but she's at such a loss right now there's hardly any friends for the first time in her life she's confused about what she wants to do she's lonely but there's really no new outlets for her right now , l just feel really bad . Haven't let on of course but l can see what's happening.,

l hate seeing her in where she's at but l don't know how to help or if it's even my place to try or if l even could anyway. On the bf thing l feel like saying look just bloody dump this guy darlin for a start. But if l even did and she actually did she'd be at an even more loss so l think well on that just stay out of it , let it run it's course , we all went there.

Scuse the rant , but l really don't know much of how to anything right now or if it's all even any of my business with her at 19 , but  l just hate seeing her where she's at.

Any thoughts or tips appreciated.

 

 

[chillii]

 

Hmm, that's weird , was really hoping someone might have something , ahwell.

[basil67]

My daughter is 20.  Honestly, as frustrating as it can be, we just have to let them ride through their own journey.  But be there with love and advice when they open up to us.

[chillii]

 

Well thank you Mrs bas.  And how's she been going how's the ride been for her have you seen any of the sort of things l'm saying or , l know l'm a softy but it's so hard seeing your kids struggle isn't it . But yeah , l guess so. l mean l wasn't that close to my parents in these kind of ways although l realized later in life , if l did talk them about things along the way they would've been more than happy to listen and talk , advise . l often wished l did , later on.

But they never really interfered or said anything otherwise , mum use to say the odd thing about one of my gf's or mates , but that was about it.

Thanks for that.

 

[FMW]

It may be that what your daughter and her boyfriend have in common is not really knowing what they want to do with their lives, not uncommon at that age.  In that case, they may both be just kind of coasting and hanging out with each other along the way.    

I think right now maybe just encourage her to figure out what she wants to do career-wise, whether that requires a two or four year degree or other training.  Is she working right now?  Even if she doesn't know what she wants to focus on for the long term, working might give her inspiration, or at the very least give her confidence in herself to try something new.  And that in turn might inspire her to move on from the current boyfriend if he's really not good for her.   

[chillii]

Thanks for that FM and yeah l do see things your talking about.

lt's a real shame she was all so full enthusiasm when she finished yr 12 and chomping at the bit to get stuck into something new, she started one course but realized it was a pretty hasty choice . Although she felt backed into a corner with enrollments coming round so fast and all , and she worked straight out of school for those few mths in between too and it all got too much she had no time left and got very very stressed and pressured.

So she dropped out of that one as they only pay for one course here so you've gotta try and make it count and the right choice, so she didn't wanna waste that on this one. Ex and l hope now with some time out what she'd really like to do just comes to her in time, the pressures off now especially with the lock downs everything.  But it having some real direction there she's genuinely into and exited about would really really help for sure and probably get her back on track. poor thing seems so lost lately , it's hard to see.

She's very very artistic and talented art wise but thinks she'd more like to do her own thing with her art rather than go into some career with it , but really that's the only area she's genuinely interested  in so she's becoming a bit stuck.

Edited April 17, 2020 by chillii

[basil67]

There is a theory that after all the stress of year 12 that a gap year is what's needed while they take a breather and work out what's next.   Perhaps this is where she's at?  

But not even those who were academic can sometimes need time out.   My nephew was not academic and flunked year 12.  He spent a couple of years working in pubs, earning loads of money working late shifts.   After a couple of years, he decided to be an electrician.  Was dedicated in the course and at work, now has his ticket and is doing really well.  

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

10 hours ago, chillii said:

Hi people .

l'm not sure how to , well , actually not sure of anything, with my daughters situation right now.  lot of women in ls and they were all 19 once too right , well l dunno.

She's been at a real loss this last yr or two , she's out grown most of her old friends , finished school and hasn't decided on uni yet so it's been hard for her to meet new people , friends , and she's started going out with this guy 7mths ago , but really , it's a nothing too. l know she's just at a loss and wants the company , she likes him of course but even admits herself lately she can't see it going very far or as a long term thing and she's worth way way more than he'll ever be and that's not a dad talking it's just who she is. She's very smart very pretty has a lot of big dreams, extremely talented and there's much she wants to do in life , his just a country boy works in a supermarket and wants nothing more.

l mean yeah , of course she does care for him and yeah she sorta needs him to right now and as we all know that's a bad reason to be with someone but l dunno , these times and periods we all go through growing up , even after growing up. But l feel so helpless . And to top it off he doesn't really seem that into it either and l'm worried she's just a convenience for him even more than him to her . We've talked about everything a bit but she's at such a loss right now there's hardly any friends for the first time in her life she's confused about what she wants to do she's lonely but there's really no new outlets for her right now , l just feel really bad . Haven't let on of course but l can see what's happening.,

l hate seeing her in where she's at but l don't know how to help or if it's even my place to try or if l even could anyway. On the bf thing l feel like saying look just bloody dump this guy darlin for a start. But if l even did and she actually did she'd be at an even more loss so l think well on that just stay out of it , let it run it's course , we all went there.

Scuse the rant , but l really don't know much of how to anything right now or if it's all even any of my business with her at 19 , but  l just hate seeing her where she's at.

Any thoughts or tips appreciated.

 

 

I don't get  this at all.

 

It isn't like the usual LS thread which begins with some rub  of some sort.

This sounds like two very normal, very decent, and very respectable human beings... both at a stage in life where they are just crafting their skills  with regard to relationships.

Nothing has hit the fan  (that you mention in your first post)...  so nothing is shoving anybody toward a make it or break it  moment.

Furthermore, everything in most environs is on hold right now due to the virus.   So it is further a terrible time to try to wrench her away from this guy for NO discernable purpose.

 

A country boy working in a supermarket  is quite a nice encounter for many a person meandering through the backroads of society and needing supplies, directions, or some other odd-seeming thing.  

 

Any chance that Corona virus has afforded you too much time with idle thought?

 

You want the 19yo daughter to be surrounded by good/favorable vibes as she's learning her way through adult relationships.  As soon as (your impulses are in charge of her romantic life) you will quickly opt for whatever is behind door number 2 and perhaps invite in a can of worms  you'll never forget.

 

You don't want her to stop right now and be wooed too early by someone who by age is ready to marry and start a family.  Her genetics may be fine for that but she'll be better off if she just lives a normal, young life for a while first.

It is even OK if she "can't see it going very far".   She IS learning about people (and more importantly, about herself ) all the while...

 

 

 

Edited April 18, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy

[chillii]

Ahh, great story and yep , exactly right , l was 23 before l got anywhere but then l stumbled over a business opportunity and finally had something l could get stuck into and the interest it.

But hell yeah , year 12 bloody intense isn't it , she wanted to have a gap yr originally. that was her plan , and really l think on all that , it's all she needs and things in that regard will pan themselves out. She originally didn't even wanna start any course this yr , afraid she just got herself into a bit pressure though and, well. But yeah on that front , she'll probably just go back to the gap year now and l think it's what she needs.

Only trouble is , that dosn't intro any new people and friends and she's also really lost in that stuff too right now , maybe she should try some bar work too haha. Well , when things open up again.

 

[chillii]

12 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

I don't get  this at all.

 

It isn't like the usual LS thread which begins with some rub  of some sort.

This sounds like two very normal, very decent, and very respectable human beings... both at a stage in life where they are just crafting their skills  with regard to relationships.

Nothing has hit the fan  (that you mention in your first post)...  so nothing is shoving anybody toward a make it or break it  moment.

Furthermore, everything in most environs is on hold right now due to the virus.   So it is further a terrible time to try to wrench her away from this guy for NO discernable purpose.

 

A country boy working in a supermarket  is quite a nice encounter for many a person meandering through the backroads of society and needing supplies, directions, or some other odd-seeming thing.  

 

Any chance that Corona virus has afforded you too much time with idle thought?

 

You want the 19yo daughter to be surrounded by good/favorable vibes as she's learning her way through adult relationships.  As soon as (your impulses are in charge of her romantic life) you will quickly opt for whatever is behind door number 2 and perhaps invite in a can of worms  you'll never forget.

 

You don't want her to stop right now and be wooed too early by someone who by age is ready to marry and start a family.  Her genetics may be fine for that but she'll be better off if she just lives a normal, young life for a while first.

It is even OK if she "can't see it going very far".   She IS learning about people (and more importantly, about herself ) all the while...

 

 

 

 

Ha , your probably bloody right actually l'm probably just thinking on it too much .

Ex has been on my ass about him too actually , she just feels it's such a waste for her butttt,,, yeah ! Not like they're getting hitched.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 18, 2020 by chillii

[chillii]

ps , but dEf' not too much time in idle thought ha , l wish. Nothings changed for me l'm busier than ever right now but hopefully when l finish these last jobs l need done, l 'm really , really , looking forward to some time off.

[preraph]

For what it's worth, most 19 year olds are pretty lost. I think it's important to still try to steer the ship towards her taking some classes. That will pretty much take care of the boyfriend. Don't think you can really dabble in that. She'll quit him eventually. Also make sure she is equipped with birth control pills or something whatever they're taking these days. because that's what you don't want to happen with a boy she's not going to stay with. 

 

And kids at that age are always real responsible and can be disorganized and forgetful. 

 

So I think you encouraged her to at least take a couple of classes and that will put her back in with her age group.. just community college. She doesn't really have to know what her major is yet. It's pretty much two full years of general studies before you get to that. 

 

If school has been hard for her at all, then maybe you just encourage her to take not a whole full time schedule. or if she shown any inclination to get a job waitressing or something like that, then she could still take a couple of classes around that and between those two she would meet a lot of people and be busy and not have time to just get in trouble if she is so inclined which I certainly was at that time, but that's me.

 

 

[chillii]

Thanks for that preraph,

Are they , yeah right. l know l was myself too till 23. ex on the other hand , her mum , went straight into nursing at 17, done it ever since.

She'd rather work part time than study bs as she calls it so she'll probably end up just getting some more work for awhile l'd say. She's that damn bright and very talented , really hope she finds something she loves one day.

ps , tbh though , we're both feeling it's time we just butt out for awhile now , we've been trying to help right through on all fronts , without pressure l mean don't get me wrong , she was putting enough of that on herself for awhile there,.

Edited April 18, 2020 by chillii

[contel3]

I wouldn't worry about the boyfriend, she just needs someone around for the moment and will probably outgrow him once she's in a better place….

Maybe you can encourage her to just do something. One of my friends found his calling when he volunteered at a hospital after a year of unemployment. His parents told him it was ok he didn't know what to do as long as he wasn't sitting at home doing nothing. Another discovered his love for plants while gardening for neighbors. One is now a doctor, the other a biologist. As long as you get the ball rolling it doesn't matter where you start.

 

[chillii]

Ahhh great stuff contel thx for that.

Truth be known l'm fine if she does nothing for awhile she deserves a rest and l really think she just just needs some time , no pressure , 11 and 12 were hell she worked that hard , and then straight into a summer job.

l'm worrying too much .

Edited April 18, 2020 by chillii

[preraph]

I would still encourage her with any classes only because she doesn't know what she wants to do, and by taking some classes, she might find something she is interested in for the future.  The problem with letting them sit around and rest is they do lose track of their friends and get even more lost that way.  Friends will point you to careers and jobs, so you need to stay involved with them for those and just companionship reasons. 

[mrs rubble]

Google "what job suits me? quiz" Our government has a website that is designed especially to help school leavers decide on what to do next, it asks a load of questions and rates your interests and calculates what would be a good fit, it also tells you what you need to do to get into the particular fields and where courses are available.

I wouldn't worry too much about the boyfriend, that will run it's course if they're both not really into it.

It's very normal for a 19yo to be unsure about their future, my youngest son is 21 and he's considered everything for law school to joining the army, but has been working in a supermarket since he left school, he got a management position when he was 19 and now he's started a butchery apprenticeship! Who knows what will be next.

[Ellener]

She sounds wonderful, I don't think you should worry too much.

My boy is 24 and only just grew up.

 

[chillii]

 

Thanks very much for those , it's all really helped me to get things into perspective and lighten up .

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I have a 19 year old daughter, too.  She sounds similar to your daughter except she and her boyfriend absolutely adore each other, and although he does currently work in a supermarket, he has big plans to become a corporate attorney.  His plans are bigger than hers :).

My daughter was/is not on the typical college track.  She still does not know what she wants to do when she grows up and is currently jobless thanks to quitting her job before the pandemic and now.....well, nobody is hiring obviously.  I did convince my daughter to take TWO online classes at the community college, so she started doing that this semester.  She's taking an English class and a religion class.  My hope is that she will continue once she sees that college isn't so bad......and maybe even transfer to a 4 year college.  She wants to do it all online, though.  She has no desire to go away to college.

Would your daughter consider taking some classes?

[chillii]

Heya co and thx for that.

l'll just straighten one thing out got nothing against him working in the local supe , hell l don't care if he retires there , l don't care if my d wanted to be a checkout chic as long as she's happy . lt's all just so not her though , that's my thing. A local country kid with no dreams to leave, be someone else ,do something, see something, just so not her , she's like me and her mum we've both seen and done a lot she despises that way and has talked about how much so for years , before him l mean. She's sooo talented , she's so much more than someone content living that, that was my thing but eh on all that , people are right , forget about it, there'll be other bf's. 

Anyway oh God yeah after all her stress she decided on one started it hates it now we're all closed down it's gone a bit online but she's dumped it. Best l think heart wasn't in it. She wants her gap year now , l think it's a great idea no pressure and her thing will come.

Edited April 22, 2020 by chillii

[SincereOnlineGuy]

IF the parents are the sharpest people around, and IF those parents have put the girl in schools where she is continuously challenged and doing very well academically, it may still, understandably intrigue her to be near to a country-boy grocery checker who is comfortable and happy with where he's at.

 

SOME of the steady urging of (indeed some very accomplished individuals) just goes over the top and beyond their comfort zone.

 

And much like anybody's pet at home...  if they have a steady routine of one thing, all day... and then on a random day they see something different...   

something different  begins to look quite appealing.

 

 

[chillii]

Nah , not her at all , and any kid is challenged in yr 12 , my sister who has more degrees than a god damn professor , matter of fact she is a professor too, said yr 12 is harder than anything at uni she's ever done. D had zero interest in it though she only sat through it to get the marks for courses later.

So do you have kids ?   But nope known plenty of parents and you wouldn't get much sharper or different than us let me tell ya or her either actually but we're not perfect of course and it's still full of lots of unknowns and mistakes for us too just like anyone else. And l know exactly what you mean l've met very old people that have lived such a life and admired them actually and l'd like her to be with someone that had that effect but l'm afraid he had the other, you didn't get that he wasn't even that into her either , which made it even more stunting to her and so not her worth, buttttttt anyway , don't blink or you miss it haha ,  that's done now she's dumped him.

She's having the gap year and getting into her art , minds racing and full of enthusiasm and plans, that's more like her. Trouble is she really admires my life and my art , l have a great lifestyle and have done a lot artwise and otherwise ,,,,, now ,,,, butttt, l dunno , l sound like my dad here advising me against going into art way back when, but l just wouldn't wish my life on her because although it is what it is now and has been at other times right through too, it's also been very hard at others and things normal people never know or live , l'd hate her to have a hard life. But art , is a very hard and usually moneyless life in what could be for a very long time , but, or maybe not. She's living with me mostly atm and l;m trying so hard not to influance her , we're so alike though.

 

Edited May 3, 2020 by chillii

[chillii]

The ironic thing now would be that if she does go into art she could actually use that steady hand of someone like the bf . Right person and a steady grounded partner can make a needed and very nice balance in the art world.

Edited May 3, 2020 by chillii

[chillii]

 

Thankfully l found my thread l was just about to start a new one.

Well , whole new issues , man , here l was thinking we were on easy street from here.

The new thing is , l don't really know how to handle well, anything right now. Thing is she's dropped the courses she started and admittedly they weren't really her anyway.  But now because of covid the gov is paying them to do nothing atm.

Well she decided to have a gap year just before this came in and it was a good idea she just wasn't sure , but so now it's all just friends and social media all night , meeting new boys the last one ended , disappearing sometimes for days , driving all over the country side day and night partying with friends, nicks out for an hour somewhere doesn't end up coming back for 2 days, man the worry of where she is and doing and all the driving, the idiot loser friends she's hanging with , non of them work or have a license or car so she's the taxi , man.

l suppose ex and l were just as bad , probably worse , and we came good and got through it , the worry is killing us.

l'll have to come back and finish later , just not sure how to handle it all though. She's living with me atm , when she's home.