Not sure how to handle things with my daughter, 19

[SincereOnlineGuy]

1 hour ago, chillii said:

 

Thankfully l found my thread l was just about to start a new one.

Well , whole new issues , man , here l was thinking we were on easy street from here.

The new thing is , l don't really know how to handle well, anything right now. Thing is she's dropped the courses she started and admittedly they weren't really her anyway.  But now because of covid the gov is paying them to do nothing atm.

Well she decided to have a gap year just before this came in and it was a good idea she just wasn't sure , but so now it's all just friends and social media all night , meeting new boys the last one ended , disappearing sometimes for days , driving all over the country side day and night partying with friends, nicks out for an hour somewhere doesn't end up coming back for 2 days, man the worry of where she is and doing and all the driving, the idiot loser friends she's hanging with , non of them work or have a license or car so she's the taxi , man.

l suppose ex and l were just as bad , probably worse , and we came good and got through it , the worry is killing us.

l'll have to come back and finish later , just not sure how to handle it all though. She's living with me atm , when she's home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So she's getting a decent income courtesy the government, and she's been a teen on the go for plenty of life so far... only now she has the rare combination of money to afford things, AND time to devote to things.

 

IF ONLY we all knew how much to be immediately worried about Covid concerns... it would be easier...

But OUTSIDE of the very real worry that she may get or transport Covid to others...  this rare and finite time in her life where she is 'free', AND when she can afford to enjoy life a bit, (particularly as you earlier said she is in a 'gap year')...   just seems too tempting to pass-up.

 

IF it came to be that she and friends wanted to take a trip 3 or 4 states away...   and it was decided (by reasonable common sense) that she should DRIVE, rather than have the group fly there, it would still be within reason as an 'idea' held by a group of young people who (are probably far more out-of-routine in Covid times than most of us older people).

 

I still don't sense that this daughter of yours is far enough from the mainstream for us on Loveshack to identify major concerns.

[chillii]

Well , known much worse , but still , known much more careful too.

And yep they've already taken off interstate , twice actually  . Yep we use to do it , but although l partied pretty hard , l'm male and l was still careful and aware , grew up in a huge city and knew the ropes , always got myself home or kept safe . Still , plenty of girls did too , l know, and l knew some that got into big trouble and worse as well.  l don't know how much say l get at 19, not much l guess , so l try to work on trust and good will , she's basically a great girl , and very smart , but a bit naive and that fkhead bf actually dumped her , which really knocked her one .

l've had to pick her up after a night as guest at the cop shop twice so far . One they found her alone, still drunk , locker in her car 6am, an hour away from home, her phone on the ground 100mtrs away from the car. The using friends left her there and went home , 90kl away.  The other time she was driving down the wrong way on a one way road , drunk, with 6 user friends in the car also drunk at 4am.

So yeah , l worry ,  a little , yaknow.

And now she's found this bloody tinder , l didn't know we even had it here but ex tells me yep , we do. well she's been meeting new guys and disappearing for 3 days a time, just found out today she's been up town in an expensive hotel the whole time with another one, didn't answr any of my messages , could've been in a ditch .

So yeah , a touch concerned no need to sense anything that writing was all over the wall. So they're my worries, just didn't get to putting them down here yet , well my new worries. this wk , hate to think of next.

And she's been carzy manic with overload , she's blown all her savings, 6k , when she is home she's still awake when l get up in the morning , she's up on all these chat things all night. Came home 2 days ago after disappearing 3days, gave me a kiss , went looking for something next minute cars gone again haven't seen her since. well she finally came home to sleep , 4 in the afternoon , she was up all night and still hadn't slept , l found out, 4mins later she was gone again and driving 120kl,  hadn't slept at all , none, in over 2 days, up to town to another friend. that was a few days ago / Heard from her this morning thank God ex and l were worried sick

So yep , bit concerned and really dunno just how to slow her down a bit , especially in the boy department.

Edited June 18, 2020 by chillii

[chillii]

She's a classy girl , and incredibly smart., well she was.  l know many of us live our youth God knows ex and l did, hate to think what we put our parents through, l had powerful motor bikes and use to disappear for days , wks, whatever, and doing God knows what at 17 , but then l moved out of home soon after so they saw very little still , at 14 l was often gone a wk ata time , no calls, nothing, poor parents.

Ex she moved an hour away for work at 17 , rented a house , started life and partying but with her job and responsibilities too though. Guess at 17 her parents had no idea at all what she was doing, or much earlier anyway l guess, mine didn't .

Point is , mine at just turning 19now , l';m just not sure. But ex and l both are crazy with worry, mainly all the driving she does and in what state she's in doing it. But the tinder thing is a real worry too. Ex says she is sleeping around, a bit, l was kinda dreaming it wasn't that far.

3 wks ago she disappeared 4days, knew what town she was in , 200kl away up the coast , turned out though she was staying at 2 guys place in their 40s, she didn't even know them before.

Edited June 18, 2020 by chillii

[chillii]

She also got drunk one night in her room and sent out this live stream , l couldn't bring myself to ask ex what she did on it but thank God ex got he to delete it, not sure how long it was up for. at least a few hours. Ex said it was so bad she couldn't watch it.

[nospam99]

She 'lives' with you, right? How long has this period of 'fun activity' been going on? Does she ever drop in on your ex? Most important, is she willing to spend however little time with you when she's with you to talk about your concerns about the risks she's taking?

[chillii]

A few mths ago now, we've had lots of talks but l try not to over do it that usually works best with her. lt is getting through slowly l think. We get nice time together at home when she is home and live together really well, often go places and stuff too but not much the last few mths so l wanna make more of that for a start. She helps with renovations a bit as well, she's happy to it's just catching her at home but that settles her down a lot when she does. See's her mum all the time , we're doing our best together.

Had a good talk to my sister tonight who's just gone through almost identical with hers , hers is a year older and thankfully she's given me some good ideas too l'm hoping will help.

Edited June 18, 2020 by chillii

[nospam99]

Can the cop shop keep her for more than one night? Give her a chance to fully sober up AND think about the consequences ('natural consequences' is a 'thing' in US parenting strategies). Before doing that I'd suggest warning her about 'next time'.

Other natural consequences:
Since it seems she wasted a lot of money, hold back on funding some of her adventures.
Has she been cited by the police for DWI or DUI? (Driving while intoxicated of under the influence)_

[chillii]

We don't fund anything that was her savings and also courtesy of the gov covid handouts.

Actually yeah that was one of the times, and l asked the cops actually if they should maybe keep her in another day l was thinking the same though it'd break my heart but he said nah def' not l think you should pick her up straight away and l was really glad l did. But a next time and they do have to hold her longer, pray there's not one though.

She's had plenty of warning by us and them too now , really hoping something sinks in.  Next time she loses her license and keys too so no more chances and that alone should help.

Anyway she finally got home again, another chat then l dropped it later she did my tarot cards and we planned a wkend away next week so we're exited about that, hoping it helps. Wanna just spend more time with her too sooo, we see.

 

Edited June 18, 2020 by chillii

[preraph]

At her age I was hitchhiking when I ran out of gas money. Wound up in jail a couple of times on charges that couldn't stick because one of them was just they hauled in everyone who was in a bar for no reason. The other was a narc left the joint on the counter of the bar I worked at. I yelled at him don't leave that here. 

 

Not that I wasn't smoking pot mind you. 

19, her brain is not fully developed to predict consequences. She sounds worse than I was but not by a whole lot. Like you I always had common sense grounding me. I was careful in my own way. She's not because she's passing out on the car and things like that. 

 

Her stimulus money needs to run out and until it does I don't think anything is going to change. but being completely broke and your parents being set up enough not to give you any money and catching you if you steal something to get money should slow her down quite a bit. She will at least have to come home more regularly to get food and sleep. I used to show up at my parents house when I really wasn't even living there and bring a room full of my girlfriends with me to crash after doing psychedelics. 

 

I think it's great you let her get a little taste of jail time or whatever that was. She really will end up in trouble if she continues getting caught with a DUI or driving without a license and it is just a big spiral downward. 

 

So let's hope the government money runs out soon. And she's too old to get an allowance. So you just let her deal with that. It won't change her mindset much, but it will slow her down and put a damper on her getting drunk or high and driving. If that car is in your name, and she gets a DUI or loses her license, I would just sell the car.

 

Sorry you're having to worry about all this. The sooner she finds something she likes to do whether it's school or work, the sooner her focus will move away from just partying. I started getting more organized and making sure I was fit for work in the morning after I got a job working in a record store which I thoroughly loved and that became the center of my life. Hope she finds something.

 

[chillii]

Hey Preraph , thanks for that.

Yeah it's that common sense thing was scary , l got into all kinds of stuff from 12-13 onward and then later much more dangerous with my bikes, speed. But like l told her if l was righting myself off drunk somewhere or partying l also stopped if l had to ride or drive or knew l still had to get home or somewhere to sleep or friends or whatever. No saint and got around still drunk or stoned plenty but not too far gone to not be able to focus and stay safe driving or riding and we;ve had a few talks about that . She was surprised to hear me of all people , pretty wild , still held onto the senses enough in situations to look after myself or friends and l hope it got through a bit. l was really glad later too about the cops but tell ya when we got the calls that part was not good , not good at all but thankfully she was ok.

This bloody gov money goes a few mths yet yeah l want that gone too and l'm starting to hate this gap yr idea now wish she was just bloody working between or getting into something now. Top it off covid still has most shut down here and l hear you about your job . She is thinking about all that but trouble is wants to go into an online business with her art rather than a job which we're dreading not for now anyway but some of that money she at least spent on more art stuff and a decent computer and programs she needs for that and she's thinking about a business course too. Being an ex artist myself though l know how hard and lack of structure the life can be and l wish for a few yrs she'd just work or get back to uni or something for now.

l left to back pack round the country for 18mths at 19 and later ex and l traveled and lived all over for 10 yrs so that's in her blood and she wants to take off too, hate the thought of that buttttt, a lotta people do it for sure nothing unusual , just wish it was someone elses haha.

Edited June 19, 2020 by chillii

[preraph]

Well I had the bike stuff too. I had the earliest trail bike ever made when I was 12. I was out in the country on it and didn't get hurt. then I got a bigger trail bike when I was a little older and then I rode police bikes to do motorcycle escort on my days off from the record store in my later twenties and that was real dangerous. Plus I grew up in the muscle car generation and drove like a bat out of hell most of my life. And when young I drove in every condition imaginable. 

 

Never did pass out behind the wheel though and that's concerning. 

 

Sad to hear the money is going to last a bit longer. Wait it's too bad she can't be convinced to put some of that money away for school or something. Wouldn't hurt her to pay a little rent. even if she got mad and moved out she'd have to pay somebody something and that be less money for her to get in trouble with I guess and maybe a place for her to get high instead of driving around doing it. 

 

There's no reasoning with most nineteen-year-olds though. 

 

My best friend's family are all trying to do art. My friend got paid for it for the first time after getting her teaching degree and is teaching elementary art. Her son I guess wants to do graphics but his only had one job and that was at a grocery store and I don't think he's working now because of covid.  And now she's got her daughter interested in it, which I was kind of disappointed because her daughter had all kinds of aspirations to do science and even law enforcement before she rolled her into an art school. I'm real glad your daughter is thinking about getting a business degree because she will need that. And it looks good on a resume. 

 

At least she still got some interest in school and or work. Just be sure she's on birth control so her whole life doesn't get derailed because she gets accidentally pregnant.

And now I'm a little worried about you because of her going out and exposing herself to covid and then coming home.

 

You know this whole world will be better off as soon as we can all get back to work and our routines because we're getting in an awful lot of trouble being idle and getting paid for it. 

 

[chillii]

Yeah we mostly made it through just gotta hope l guess end of the day it's up to her, she is doin much better . l've done a business course too and it's pretty heavy stuff so that'll help get her focused again too when the time comes. Suppose your right a lot of idle time and minds right now all over l guess ha , l wish . Well l'm enjoying my time actually but l'm renovating and stuff too and gf has some probs and then my d but eh still can't complain. We're pretty well normal here so she can get out to all over the damn place but a lot of things and unis and business are still closed though none the less. But we haven't had a case within a 180kl radius for 12 wks now l just heard on the news so hopefully we're pretty right and thanks for that.

She was saving really well we keep nudging her so here's hoping . The boys hmm, unfortunately she's absolutely stunning l'm just gobsmacked sometimes but so they's gonna be liking my girl and there's not much l can do about it haha, grits teeth but yeah she's covered.

Edited June 19, 2020 by chillii

[preraph]

I'm glad you're out of the covid-19 situation. That's a big relief. 

 

Girls with good Daddy's like you don't tend to get in as much man trouble as ones without. it's so important to give them the message that they are worth something so they don't just settle for any old guy. Guys that age are expert liars. Makes it even harder because girls that age don't want to believe that. 

[Atwood]

Hi, 

I don't know anything about parenting so I don't have any specific advice about what would be best. However, I am a woman in my early twenties, and you remind me a lot of my dad. I just wanted to say that your ability to stay relatively calm when you talk to her and to not try and control her is probably doing you a ton of favours and it makes sure she doesn't pull away. All I know from my younger years is the more my parents tightened the reins, the harder I yanked away. Eventually they recognised this too, and the best thing you can do is to offer a loving and supportive sanctuary for them to come back to. And asking for her to keep you updated about her safety when she's away from home is reasonable too!

I also wanted to second preraph. Always make sure you instill in your daughter that caring, respectful men exist and she does not need to put up with anything less. The best advice I ever got was "Don't just fall for a guy because he calls you beautiful and special. You already know that and don't need him to tell you. That is not the criteria! Have higher standards than him telling you what you already know!"

 

Keep doin a good job n_n

Edited June 19, 2020 by Atwood

[chillii]

Thanks for that those, appreciated . The guy thing, tough one , she brushes off anything you say or says she knows but nope she doesn't . l keep thinking of myself from12 13 parents had no idea what l was doing might not see me for 5 days . As l said l was a pretty scary kid and either robbing places, gangs, partying way too hard for my years but at 17 though l wanted out, mates were locked up , some killed , or a mess. l was too clever but l knew luck wouldn't last. Point is , 17 and l wanted to change me and l did. Met a girl too l was with 3 yrs and although we still did a lot of shyt , it was much milder compared . Later when we split late19, l want off again , not because of splitting it was just more of the cycle . 23 l was still in one peace and calmer and l wanted to be things and started my business, 5 yrs and l was actually quite wealthy , bought property nice cars.  So from a street rat to that. 

l know she'll turn too , she's always known who she is and we raised her with big belief in herself no matter what whoever said or did and even at 10 she could walk away from all the crap at school the other girls went through knowing damn well who she was, But at the moment and the latest is she sounds and acts like a drugo, and 100 people have asked her if she is , including me and her mum and cops. She's started talking like trash and slurred and hanging out with even more so , but she's so much more than that always has been , she's a mile above it , l dunno why she wants to degrade herself and act the way she is. It's from the losers she's hooked up with well if she likes them so be it but she doesn't have to be them this is the first time ever anyone has ever influenced her and away from who she is. She comes home after being with them days and that's how she is , day or two at home and she starts to show her  true self again, then she off and back to them. 19 l dunno why she's letting it happen and from losers to boot, yaknow. l knew at 17 , l changed y life right there, she's always been so strong about who she is so strange how she's gone backwards at 19 first time in her life, Why now , yaknow ?

Anyway , thanks for the words , this makes me sick having to talk like this and about our sitch right now , and l have found and spoken to now a parent help advisory thing we have here now too.    And yah , as you guys have said , ove and support and reassurance , guidance, trying anyway , not that it seems to be helping at all tbh but l do believe , eventuality it will be there later. .

 

 

 

 

 

Edited June 22, 2020 by chillii

[chillii]

Saddest thing is she's always been different and had so much class, even from 4 or 5 people even friends always treated her differently , really respectfully , and adults would notice her , comment , admire her, now she's letting herself be like this . l don't get why the change in who she is for the first time ever. Sure if she must hang out with them , but be who she always was , not this . 19 seems like she should be more self assured than ever especially around the type she's hanging out with.

Edited June 22, 2020 by chillii

[nospam99]

My 'troublemaker' is male, 26 now, and, hopefully, past the crazy stuff. His sitch was that he wanted to be 'accepted'. The straight, serious kids in high school and college didn't accept him. So in order to by accepted 'somewhere' he fell in with the druggies and petty (nonviolent ... I think) criminals. Then, since they were the ones who accepted him, he continued to hang out with them for a couple of years after college. He got a straight, serious gf and I think her 'positive influence' has had a lot to do with him 'settling down'.

Maybe it would be helpful to steer your daughter towards a crowd of 'good' kids and a 'good' bf. Easier said than done because the friends parents approve of aren't 'cool'.

[chillii]

Yeah right . Well that's what we've been trying to do for 6mths now. She would've called this crowd losers herself 6mths ago. The split with the ex bf really knocked her badly such was the timing.

She has got some real friends but their at uni or working and right now she's on this gov hand out and these types are also and so they're around. So l suppose that's brought it on too someone to hang out with. Never seen her change for anyone though let alone these types.

Edited June 22, 2020 by chillii

[chillii]

Ah well , all this worrying is really taxing and getting no where anyway. Maybe l just keep doing what l have been and let nature take it's course. We all go through many changes especially around those years no matter who we were before , l know she's a bit lost right now and and figuring things out sooooo, maybe it's just time..

Edited June 22, 2020 by chillii

[Ollie180]

5 hours ago, chillii said:

As l said l was a pretty scary kid and either robbing places, gangs, partying way too hard for my years but at 17 though l wanted out, mates were locked up , some killed , or a mess. l was too clever but l knew luck wouldn't last. Point is , 17 and l wanted to change me and l did. Met a girl too l was with 3 yrs and although we still did a lot of shyt , it was much milder compared .

Me too man! Went right off the rails at 14/15.. then at 17 decided I wanted better - and changed my life...

...I don’t think who I was deep down ever changed I just got a bit lost! 

You know who your daughter is deep down right, and that hasn’t changed, I would think like you, and me, and so many others she’ll see the light and come back to who she is on her own!

 

I get why you’re worried though mate.. I think it’s worse actually when you’ve been there a bit yourself.. you can imagine the dangers a bit more.....but at the same time you’re probably the best person to talk to her too!

[chillii]

11 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

Me too man! Went right off the rails at 14/15.. then at 17 decided I wanted better - and changed my life...

...I don’t think who I was deep down ever changed I just got a bit lost! 

You know who your daughter is deep down right, and that hasn’t changed, I would think like you, and me, and so many others she’ll see the light and come back to who she is on her own!

 

I get why you’re worried though mate.. I think it’s worse actually when you’ve been there a bit yourself.. you can imagine the dangers a bit more.....but at the same time you’re probably the best person to talk to her too!

 

Thanks for that mate but hmm, not sure she is who l knew lately , ex says the same doesn't recognize her. l do know she's still as smart as hell underneath though unfortunately it's taking a back seat lately.

But yeah your not wrong it's scary because l know too well how things go , one thing though these kids she's with aren't bad kids or into much nothing like l knew, just drinking n partying so at least that's something spose l should be thankful .

 

 

 

 

 

[chillii]

Ex had lunch with d yesterday and and was saying again she doesn't recognize where's a beautiful proud so smart and dignified d gone  , it's just sad . These damn kids she's hooked up with . l know the parents of two and they're ok people. Her main friends parents are different but they're still together and their d still lives at home. She's not working or uni or even driving though . That was one of my d's heap of friends growing up , they'd come and go but atm it's together. l haven't seen her in yrs but looked after them all over wkends and holidays back it the day a 100 times. She had friend troubles though none of the others liked her much she'd fall back onto d until d would have other crowds or bf then they wouldn't see each other again a yr , 2 or 3 , so she's back for now . My d was always the stronger more independent didn't need her , she was just around d was much closer to others. Haven't seen her though they meet at her house or uptown but l dunno why now at this age d is letting her of all people influence her.

Ex hates her they've had bad run ins , hates her parents . But they are together at least and have a cosy family home and life , so l dunno how this one is the way she is but she seems to be the main setting my d off. l dunno wtf tbh. D was never even that into her. You fall back to people when no one else is around l know butttt.

Anyway at least d is still very good hearted , she'll share anything or offer you her last . Comes in for chats when she does get home it's usually late l'll b in bed on the pc or something she'll come in curl up and we catch up or if l was asleep l'll go in see her in the morning and we talk. She's still her in those ways we've always done that back to when she was little , it's just the way she's talking and acting and living, so trashy for who she really is inside, the d we've always known. She's still extremely intelligent she has a very high iq and it is still in there even though the laymen would never now it right now.  Just dunno why she's throwing that and her class and ways out the window right now . Although like her daddy she has always loved a good time too haha , she also has my curse,

Hate having to describe things in this way now , but we just don';t now how to help her un trash atm and start looking after herself again and being the admired strong one among her friends again instead of all this now.  Although she is taking in some of my tips , like don't over do it if your the one driving , always remember you need to get home safely so you need to stop well before that. Or if your in what could turn out an unsafe situation or around people you might not be able to trust then go very very lightly keep your wits and smarts about you and an exit just encase, just very simple things like that that kept me safe in a million situations  back in the day. And stay the fk away from drugs thy aren't safe and you have no idea what they've given you. But which she just wasn't doing any of before but she is now and proudly tells me of different times and stuff where now she's just stopped or took charge or said no or thought ahead. So at least that's something and was the first worry. She's also letting me know more where she's going with who or staying or drops me a quick text , so made some progress,

She's also happy to help round the house or with jobs only trouble is she's out the door to the next thing so it's pinning it down to do stuff that's the thing.  Effg messy as hell round the house though, workin on that , without much luck.

Anyway

 

Edited June 23, 2020 by chillii

[chillii]

Well , they say a wks a long time in politics right , same with fathering haha.

Anyway pleased to say we're getting there and she's seeming much more her old self bit by bit just lately . We've reached some nice old ground in the way we use to get a long too and that's been coming back too atm which has made a huge difference. We use to get a long so easily , just an ease and l'd been thinking if l wanna get anywhere we need to find that again so l've toned it right back and tried not to worry too much , just get back to just enjoying us again more. lt's made a big difference already and she's been helping out more round the place , letting me know where she's going and taking more care and we've just been us again chatting away whenever she is around instead of hassles , l can see with that she's been thinking about things and stuff ex and l have been trying to say. Never could get anywhere pushing too much with her , just lost the knack for awhile there .

Anyway , we see l guess .

Edited July 1, 2020 by chillii

[Ellener]

On 7/1/2020 at 9:52 AM, chillii said:

Well , they say a wks a long time in politics right , same with fathering haha.

In England a few years ago Tony Blair addressed the nation the night after his son was arrested for 'drunk and disorderly'...he said 'I thought this PM job was hard...'

On 7/1/2020 at 9:52 AM, chillii said:

if l wanna get anywhere we need to find that again so l've toned it right back and tried not to worry too much , just get back to just enjoying us again more. lt's made a big difference already and she's been helping out more round the place

I agree. I went through all this with my son, age 19 was a nightmare!

Five years later he just finished his degree and last week when I was lonely he visited two days to cheer me up and bring me a new computer. He doesn't want to hang out with his mum! he was just being kind.

What better life skill could I have taught him by my values?

On 6/23/2020 at 6:43 PM, chillii said:

d is still very good hearted , she'll share anything or offer you her last .

See!

Got to let them make their own mistakes and just be there for them. A dear friend we raised our kids together now has two grandbabies from  her 'problem son' she did not particularly want...but she's not lonely or purposeless! Life is fun too in a way she didn't foresee. They all got closer.

I remember someone saying to me years ago when I was working with children and families, 'just have to hold on to a child.' 

The best thing I think I gave my son is 'it's never the end of the world, even if it feels like it...' Of course he didn't know it would be the end of my world if something dreadful happened to him or he was suddenly gone; I'll let him learn that from his own kids.....

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

 

[chillii]

Thanks for that Ellener , and l'm really happy for you and there you go he;s a good man nice goin. Weird though , here l was thinking my work was done this yr , gf and l were even thinking about moving interstate or somewhere. d was meant to be sharing a house and in uni ovr in another city for the next few yrs , and she was all grown up and l can do my thing, ahh, so l was thinking 6mths ago. l must've forgotten what 19s like haha.

Anyway she's still a sweetheart , just a partying one buttttt, she's going to whether l like it or worry myself sick or not right, l sure did , poor parents. She never did go well with too much pushing though and l'm so pleased we're finding our niche again , and l'm finding my sanity again too haha.  All that worrying was def' no good, and right when l thought l was free as a bird. Today she says she's buying my clothes from now on , bloody funny. Not bc l have bad taste or anything but l just hate shopping lately, always have but lately it's worse.

 

Edited July 3, 2020 by chillii