Navigating COVID

[OatsAndHall]

My GF and I have been together since last November and we had a strong relationship up until the last week. We haven't seen each other in five weeks which has been hard but we've been talking over the phone and using Facetime to stay connected. I miss her terribly but I continually try to find ways to make it easier between us as well as reminding myself of the bigger picture; we'll see each other again in five weeks. I'm a teacher, school will be out, and I only risk infecting myself. And, our state hasn't gotten hit too hard and we're already on the down slope for this.

However, as this has gone on, it has worn on her more and more. As such, she has grown more negative and reactive to the situation. If she's had a bad day at work, I will be bombarded with texts talking about how hard being apart is, how she hates it, etc..etc.. That is all I will hear when we talk on the phone on those nights as well. It's all extremely negative, it's hard for me to handle and it makes me anxious. I've been the more proactive one between the two of us throughout our relationship but I'm irritable, edgy and frustrated with a lot of things right now. I can't consistently be the "rock".

At first, I would do my best to reassure her and get her to look at the few silver linings in this situation. But, the veracity and frequency of her bad days have kicked up significantly and nothing I say  or do helps. A few weeks ago, I told her that I was sorry that she was struggling so much and that I am struggling too. But, I asked her to PLEASE try and look at the bigger picture because I'm not doing very well emotionally right now. I have been in almost complete isolation alone for five weeks (as have many people, I'm not special) but it is taking it's toll on me. I felt bad as she's always been able to vent to me but her rants about all of this impact me in a seriously bad way.

One Monday, she had spent the day on another tirade about how difficult this is, how much she's struggling, etc..etc.. I kept trying to steer the conversation towards something positive but to no avail. When we talked on the phone that night, it got worse. I told her that we just needed to start making plans for what we'll be doing five weeks from now and have a light at the end of the tunnel.

Her response:

"Five weeks is such a long time! We had a hard enough time just seeing each other on the weekends, how am I going to do five weeks!! I am lonely, miserable and I hate this!"

My response:

"Alright, what shall we do then? Do you want to break up? Because that's what I am wondering, judging by the way you talk. I've done every thing I can to give us some hope in this situation but I can't keep this up. I've asked you to try and find some way to help us get through this but you won't and it is driving me crazy. Neither of us is in a good place right now so we either need to get our sh-t together or we need to end it."

She back tracked immediately and stated that she never wants to break up but that she's just struggling. I told her that I know she is struggling but she needs to recognize that I am too and that the consistent, negative, doom n' gloom conversations don't help anything and that I literally can't take it. The last few days have been better; she apologized for not heeding my requests to try and limit the negativity and be more proactive.

But, at the end of the day, I am left wondering two things: if she's going to hold onto this and if this is a snapshot of our potential future together. She has become so reactive with this whole thing and, although I know these are unprecedented times, I wonder if that is how she is going to handle thing any time life isn't so smooth.

[Fletch Lives]

I don't think you should give up your relationship for this emergency. Go and see her if you can.

[OatsAndHall]

As an aside, before anyone gets on a social distancing rant about my 5 week timeline, keep these things in mind:

1. My family has completely quarantined themselves until this over. They're aging, they have health issues and I won't be seeing them for the foreseeable future. They're going to stay on shut down well into the summer.

2. In five weeks, my gf will literally be the only human contact I have. At this point,  I work almost completely from home (I have to go to the school here and there), I have my groceries delivered and I don't leave the house outside of that.

 

[OatsAndHall]

2 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

I don't think you should give up your relationship for this emergency. Go and see her if you can.

Honestly, if I were able to work completely remotely from home, I would think about it. But, part of my work as a teacher involves touching packets that go out to kids and families. No matter how much I wash my hands or use gloves, I could infect a lot of people. She's a nurse at a private clinic that does a lot of tele-medicine, refuses to see COVID cases and screens for them religiously. But, she's still in a health care setting and it's just not safe.

[Blind-Sided]

10 minutes ago, OatsAndHall said:

I am left wondering two things: if she's going to hold onto this and if this is a snapshot of our potential future together. She has become so reactive with this whole thing and, although I know these are unprecedented times, I wonder if that is how she is going to handle thing any time life isn't so smooth.

That is the real question.  My exW... when she went nutz... started blaming me for things from when we were dating 20 years prior.  Unfortunately... there's no way to really answer that question.

I'm sorry you and her are feeling so isolated. These are unprecedented times, and it's hard to say what the outcome will be with any relationship.  (Being cooped up with someone all the time isn't good either)

[OatsAndHall]

@Blind-Sided

A part of my issue is that she's not that isolated; she goes to work every day. They have two-three family member get togethers here and there. I know work has sucked for her because they're running on a skeleton crew and she's busy. But, good Lord, at least she has some interaction with reality.

[SumGuy]

21 minutes ago, OatsAndHall said:

...

She back tracked immediately and stated that she never wants to break up but that she's just struggling. I told her that I know she is struggling but she needs to recognize that I am too and that the consistent, negative, doom n' gloom conversations don't help anything and that I literally can't take it. The last few days have been better; she apologized for not heeding my requests to try and limit the negativity and be more proactive.

But, at the end of the day, I am left wondering two things: if she's going to hold onto this and if this is a snapshot of our potential future together. She has become so reactive with this whole thing and, although I know these are unprecedented times, I wonder if that is how she is going to handle thing any time life isn't so smooth.

A positive spin she is not treating you like out of sight, out of mind.  If anything, she is reacting this way because she really misses being with you.

I get how it is, this is one of those hard situations where if you can be there to hear (not even solve) just hear her negativity she will love you for it; be a strong heart, her rock.    If she bats down and attacks every positive or in perspective statement you make then that is something to bring up.

I'd say yes, this is how she responds to extreme stress, and not necessarily unusual.  The good news is she appears to have listened to your words and is working to control her reactions, so sounds like she is reasonable and you can have a fair argument/disagreement.   This is also how you respond under extreme stress, so keep that in mind.   

[Ruby Slippers]

I started dating someone in November, it was on and off, and we're off again as of last weekend. While the circumstances didn't help, our problems go beyond that to things like communication.

Certainly, this is a rare, unique situation that can be difficult to deal with emotionally.

But I'd definitely be concerned with her behavior, as it gives you a glimpse of how she handles stress and curve balls in life. If you want to try to see this through, I'd let her know she needs to find other places to vent, rather than dumping all the negativity on you. Friends, family, a counselor, someone at church. Some organizations are offering free counseling right now. You can't be her only outlet for negative emotions. It's not healthy or productive for either of you.

Myself, I have my emotions about it all, but try to make the best of it and stay positive. The times my ex was directing negative energy at me, I made it clear that while I was open to listening, commiserating, and so on, I wasn't going to be taking on his negative energy because I need to keep things positive so I can stay strong.

Edited April 17, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[elaine567]

My guess she gets herself all wound up, then she transfers all that worry and distress via her texts onto you.
She no doubt feels better once she has done that, but you are left all upset and "crazy" as you are now shouldering all the problems, hers and yours.
You are there for her, but there is no-one there for you.

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, OatsAndHall said:

Because a) no one is "going without" around here because I use the service and b) I'm not going to go roam around our unsanitary, small town grocery store that everyone is using as a hangout.

 

The grocery stores seem to have become a sort-of masked-and-gloved hangout don't they...

[OatsAndHall]

4 minutes ago, Ellener said:

The grocery stores seem to have become a sort-of masked-and-gloved hangout don't they...

 

No masks or gloves at our small grocery store...They stopped providing wipes for the carts too.  People aren't taking it seriously even though we have 5 cases in town.

Edited April 17, 2020 by OatsAndHall

[Ellener]

Glad you're staying away from the store then. 

I'd say people show their real selves ina crisis, and you are getting to see a lot of offloading or whining...five weeks really isn't that long and if you were married there would be lots of situations things might be challenging for way longer than that.

You sound like you have the patience of a saint!

[smackie9]

She needs to stop watching the news. When I stopped watching the news and listening to it on the radio and replaced it with music...guess what...the stress went away.

Yesterday I was finally able to purchase toilet paper...funny it really made my day lol.

Edited April 17, 2020 by smackie9

[Interstellar]

She needs girlfriends or a priest or a shrink  to vent her frustrations to. You’re her romantic partner which is why your interest is going down. You can’t be with a Negative Nancy all the time and have that not affect your interest level. Flip the situation and if you were doing the same thing to her she’d lose interest in you as well. She’s complaining over five weeks? Believe what you’re seeing now and it won’t get better once you get hitched or stayed together for the next fifty years. 

[OatsAndHall]

@SumGuy,

I certainly appreciate the fact that she's missing me as I'm missing her; this is something that we've both conveyed to one another. Within our relationship, I've been the "rock" as I'm just not very reactive and I let her vent about a lot of things without providing unwarranted, unsolicited advice. I've told her that I am able to continue on in that capacity but to a point. I can listen to her vent on occasion but I can't handle the frequent and angry reactivity that she is showing right now. And, I've told her several times how frustrated I get when she ignores my attempts to look beyond the next five weeks. I hate that it took me laying down the gauntlet and saying "Look, if you can't handle it then we shouldn't be together" in order to get this (hopefully) turned around.

And, yes, you're correct, this is showing how we all handle things under extreme stress. She's been reactive while I've done the opposite; I've tried to shut myself down emotionally to everything but the most important aspects in my life. The media? I don't know what that is anymore. My students aren't doing their work? Oh well, send an email to Mom and Dad. Mom and Dad are p-ssed that their kid is expected to do something while school is closed? Oh well, mark the kid's assignment "missing" and forward anything from Mom and Dad to the boss. The boss wants me to call Mom and Dad? Nope; everything in writing and I've already emailed them.  The rest of the staff are angry and edgy? Oh well, I have a job to do and I'll stay away from them.

[FMW]

These are certainly unusual and stressful times we are in right now.  But I believe that how we handle it really does show a lot about how we handle stress and disappointment in general.  Things are amplified right now, but who we are stays the same. I think it's smart to pay attention to how she's handling this.  

[Foxhall]

Its a good opening post this , gives a picture of the type of thoughts a lot of people are wrestling with at this time,

sounds good that you both are at least speaking to other about your current insecurities,

your concerned will you have an awful lot to deal with if her anxieties continue going forward, 

who knows perhaps you will not be keen on dealing with that, but I think it is better to get all out on the table, get to know each other properly and you will be able to decide whether you are compatible or not,

so in that regard you are getting things out on the table

give it another few months id say.

 

[Gr8fuln2020]

I feel that  her frenzied and escalation is not just because of the times. Honestly, most people I know are not behaving in this manner. Most are taking things as they come, reasonably expressing their frustrations and trying to inject as much humour as possible while seriously dealing with this pandemic. It doesn't sound like she is socially isolated, but simply apart from OAH. I wonder if she is as 'frustrated' with others she sees on a daily basis?

Personally, I would not be encouraged by her missing me SO much. I would find her inability or unwillingness to divert to something more positive troubling. BUT, she did apologize and temper her feelings. Maybe she just needed a period of serious unloading/venting???

 

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, OatsAndHall said:

...if this is a snapshot of our potential future together. She has become so reactive with this whole thing and, although I know these are unprecedented times, I wonder if that is how she is going to handle thing any time life isn't so smooth.

Agree with much of what's been posted above.

I think this IS a snapshot of your future relationship, at least in stressful situations. You are her emotional steam valve. I suspect many relationships are like this, I am my wife's when she's had a bad day, but it's normally at a very tolerable level for me. Not always, though, depending on how I'm feeling. She gets that if I walk away without saying anything it's time for her to stop. Doesn't happen often, but sometimes...

[OpenBook]

Go easy on yourself! And her too. I was cheering you on as I read your OP. You communicated with her! Clearly and straightforwardly! about the effect of her venting & unloading has on you. And she heard you and acknowledged you! And you miss each other! I see a lot of positive signs about this relationship through what you've posted. Give yourselves a break. It's stressful what we're all dealing with. Keep being honest with her, but temper it with the love you feel for her. And it's not up to you to fix everything! Very common among men to feel compelled to provide a solution, while all she wants is a sympathetic ear to listen to her. So sweet. You're both trying in your own way. I think you're actually doing great! This social isolation crap isn't going to last forever (thank God). We will all eventually go back to our normal, dysfunctional lives. 😃

Edited April 17, 2020 by OpenBook

[gamon]

I think you need to be more understanding about how your girlfriend is being affected by this completely unexpected unprecedented global crisis that will change life for all of us in one way or another.

 

 

[chillii]

Yeah it's all a bizarre world and situation right now for sure , everyone's way out of whack. But there's also a lot in her general nature here too , she's not very strong and a bit on the me me side of things too , but you now all that.l'd actually back of with the helping her through it a little by the sounds of it myself , she's gotta toughen up a bit and get herself through it as well and be there for you too, it can't all be on you. Mind you that also might backfire and she spits the dummy even more so

l dunno , l don't get a lot of the relationship problems floating about just from a few weeks of this so far . God we're quite often apart mths at a time as her place was 12 hours away when we met and she still has to come up and back atm. You would not believe what she went through to visit last time in the middle of all this , my wonder woman haha, not even a complaint. Yeah of course we miss each other when she's up home and there's all kinds of disappointments but we actually just keep growing mostly even when she is up home, our longest stints been 4mths apart but we support each other through it. Mind you , we can't keep it going forever it's been nearly 2yrs of it but we both know that and once her legal problems are sorted up home we have our plans .

Not sayin it's easy being apart but your lady should be able to handle this without having a damn break down.

Edited April 18, 2020 by chillii

[preraph]

No. The real test would be if you two were stuck together and then you know if you were going to make it if you got married or live together or something. But just getting through a period of not seeing each other isn't a good litmus test. However it is one of those things that you can gauge how a person handles bad situations that I always talk about that you need to know before you marry someone. 

 

She gets real stressed and then she puts that on you when you are already carrying enough stress. still that's not as dire as someone who just say abandons you when you're ill or has a tantrum like a five year old when they have a flat tire.

 

Tell her she needs to liking it to people whose spouses go in the military. They have to buck up and be brave and not cause their military spouse further worry. Maybe there's even an online book you couldn't recommend to get through being a military wife. If she's not working at home, maybe she needs to get online and see if there's anything she can volunteer to do just to keep her occupied and give her a purpose. 

You know I am used to working at home most of the time and being alone most of the time though I frequently go out to lunch and kind of socialized then. but I have that kind of predisposition where I do pretty well alone. I have my dog. I probably would really be going nuts if I didn't. But even someone like me is a little bit stir-crazy and gets a little bit worried and gets too focused on the virus or the news and gets out of sorts a little bit. So I'm kind of the ideal person for this but most people are not and there are some people out there having meltdowns. 

 

Just try to stay calm and try to keep her calm and try not to have any kind of big blowout through this stressful time. We have something that the other big historical crises didn't have. We have the ability to communicate still. We can pull someone up and look at their face if we want to. There was a lot of letter writing that went on during the wars and during the depression. We have it a little easier than that. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

It seems to me this is part of who she is and will probably be when stressed. She can change over time but it will take awhile. I couldn't be with someone who doesn't have a positive outlook on life. You just have to decide if it's something you can live with in the longterm. 

I do think people act/talk the way they do because of who they are, not necessarily because of the circumstances they find themselves in.

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

I do think people act/talk the way they do because of who they are, not necessarily because of the circumstances they find themselves in.

It's true, I'm a right Pollyanna...and that gets on some people's nerves when they just want to complain/vent and I don't particularly want to hear it.

It's general compatability I guess; sounds like she needs someone cheerful around to steady her. Maybe it's the first 'awful' thing to have happened in her life too if she's young, and it was all pretty shocking the first few days to accept what was happening.