Lying husband

[heartbrokenwife]

I am a 31 year old woman. I grew up in a family with a dead beat dad who was alcoholic and had no job. My mother put me through college along with my scholarship. I finally made it outside my home country and studied my masters with a scholarship thinking my life would be better now.. somehow its not that..

During my studies, I met a guy. He is a nice person but was suffering from severe depression. I helped him with therapy and even supported him during his studies for almost all our relation.. 7 years.. I thought it will get better but it never did. He has time and again lied to me regarding completing his studies which he has not. he even wrote a fake thesis document to show me that he is doing it.. All with a nice acknowledgement too.... Anyways, I kept finding his lies every 6 months when the graduation never happened....I also married him 2 years back. I don't know what made me forgive his lies.. He keeps telling he is afraid if losing me. I gave him the ultimatum that i want a divorce if he cannot support me at this point. Finally after 7 years of supporting him, he decided to call it quits at studying and looking for work to support me. But i found put that he was just doing a part time job without telling me so have some money to support himself.. though it may be good.. he still lied to me..  He says he was afraid I will be angry that he doing part time instead of searching for a job.. I don't even understand it at this point..I don't know if I can trust him at all anymore..I have asked for separation to really think about my life and if I want to be in the marriage. It breaky my heart to know all these 8 years is for nothing.. He wants one last chance and is trying to find jobs.. But i have lost all faith in him and l do not trust him..

Worst part is no one in my family knows anything about this.. i hid it all from them thinking I can work it.. I don't even know where to start with them now when i tell about the separation.. 

 Is my life meant to be miserable? Sometime I find myself sitting and crying thinking its maybe my fault.. I see people all around me happy and think I don't know why life is so unfair...I am just lost..

[preraph]

You know you're hiding it because you know everyone in your family and all your friends would tell you to leave him.  Honestly, you can't stay with a liar like this.  Who cares if he's afraid of losing you?  Don't let him guilty you or by that statement, make you think you mean all that much to him.  He's lying to you and proving otherwise by his actions.  He doesn't have it in him to be that dedicated to you.  Dependent on you more like.  

 

Kick this loser out of your life and find someone better.  You've come so far only to choose a deadbeat.  I think you know where that came from since you brought up your father.  As people, we often choose someone like the one who abandoned us or was a deadbeat because it would make us feel so much better if we could fix them!  It would be almost like you could fix your dad, which ship has clearly sailed.  You've got to stop letting this childhood trauma make you choose men like this.  Don't choose any that need fixing.  Choose one you like as is on all the important points.  Good luck.

[schlumpy]

It's so tricky with other cultures. Love is defined differently and the fear of family pressures are so different.

You put yourself out for someone that has what sounds like clinical depression. For some people depression is sporadic or cyclical but for your husband it sounds permanent. Depression does drain away much of your drive to move forward in life materially. I'm sure you know this.

Have you considered that your husband isn't suited for a professional career and might be much happier in the trades, selling insurance or considering his lying, even politics? Would that be acceptable or would you see a stigma?

I think it's not good that he isn't contributing at least half of the income. You stated you want him to support you. Does that mean you want him to allow you to stay home while he works? Perhaps raise children. That's fine if he wants that too.

Where does he see himself in the workforce? What would he consider satisfactory employment? Have you ever had this conversation with him? And if his choice of employment was not on your approved list, would that be a deal breaker? Would that point towards divorce?

One more thing to think about.

You are at the point of ultimatums and divorce if he does not comply. Eight wasted years to wave in his face. Let's say that tomorrow something magical happens and he wins the lottery or inherits a fortune from a lost uncle who had stock in a South African diamond mine. He is now fabulously wealthy and does not need to work.

Would you still want a divorce? He still isn't working. He has lied and you indicate that is the problem here. The lack of trust still exists. Would you change your mind about him completing his studies or would his ability to support you allow your love for him to return?

I support your decision to let him go. I just want you to be honest with yourself on the reasons for doing so. 

[preraph]

Then he'd be out buying himself an even better looking woman.  

[heartbrokenwife]

22 hours ago, preraph said:

You know you're hiding it because you know everyone in your family and all your friends would tell you to leave him.  Honestly, you can't stay with a liar like this.  Who cares if he's afraid of losing you?  Don't let him guilty you or by that statement, make you think you mean all that much to him.  He's lying to you and proving otherwise by his actions.  He doesn't have it in him to be that dedicated to you.  Dependent on you more like.  

 

Kick this loser out of your life and find someone better.  You've come so far only to choose a deadbeat.  I think you know where that came from since you brought up your father.  As people, we often choose someone like the one who abandoned us or was a deadbeat because it would make us feel so much better if we could fix them!  It would be almost like you could fix your dad, which ship has clearly sailed.  You've got to stop letting this childhood trauma make you choose men like this.  Don't choose any that need fixing.  Choose one you like as is on all the important points.  Good luck.

Or I am afraid they will call me a loser for loving and supporting him. I am thinking will I ever be able to lover and respect him again.. I know he is sick and depression is real but I am tired of being his support system too..

[preraph]

And in reality, even HE will lose respect for you.  That's the problem.  And you'll lose respect for yourself.  He sounds like a mess anyway.  I mean, we all have some redeeming qualities, but why hitch your wagon to someone who needs this much fixing?  It's above your pay grade and it's better to find someone you can trust more and be happy with.  

[heartbrokenwife]

21 hours ago, schlumpy said:

It's so tricky with other cultures. Love is defined differently and the fear of family pressures are so different.

You put yourself out for someone that has what sounds like clinical depression. For some people depression is sporadic or cyclical but for your husband it sounds permanent. Depression does drain away much of your drive to move forward in life materially. I'm sure you know this.

Have you considered that your husband isn't suited for a professional career and might be much happier in the trades, selling insurance or considering his lying, even politics? Would that be acceptable or would you see a stigma?

I think it's not good that he isn't contributing at least half of the income. You stated you want him to support you. Does that mean you want him to allow you to stay home while he works? Perhaps raise children. That's fine if he wants that too.

Where does he see himself in the workforce? What would he consider satisfactory employment? Have you ever had this conversation with him? And if his choice of employment was not on your approved list, would that be a deal breaker? Would that point towards divorce?

One more thing to think about.

You are at the point of ultimatums and divorce if he does not comply. Eight wasted years to wave in his face. Let's say that tomorrow something magical happens and he wins the lottery or inherits a fortune from a lost uncle who had stock in a South African diamond mine. He is now fabulously wealthy and does not need to work.

Would you still want a divorce? He still isn't working. He has lied and you indicate that is the problem here. The lack of trust still exists. Would you change your mind about him completing his studies or would his ability to support you allow your love for him to return?

I support your decision to let him go. I just want you to be honest with yourself on the reasons for doing so. 

Hi Schlumpy, 

you are right. it is very tricky. I feel I am disappointing my parents too. They won't be happy I decided to support someone like him. They will see him as a loser. I don't.. I know he sick but he is not a loser.. He is a good man who is very insecure with abandonment issues. I don't want to say he is bad just because I want out... 4 years ago I told him to quite his studies and find a job as I felt all his problems are financial. He is getting calls now for job but I cannot get over the fact that he did not prioritize me over his master thesis and parents. I suffered all these years for nothing. I don't know what he is good for as he never worked in his life.  

All I wanted from him is to be honest and an equal partner in all. I don't care about what kind of job as long as it is legal, decent and makes him happy. But my problem is he is trying it too late, after I gave him an ultimatum.. I did not need any ultimatums to give up my dreams for him. I did that because he needed me and I loved him. My problem is he never thought I am important enough to start working on these things earlier. I am not unable to forgive the past anymore... 

I make a 6-figure salary, so I do not need the money from him. I have been supporting us financially and can continue to do so. I just don't want to anymore. I don't want to be a stay at home mom. Even If I decide to have kids I will continue working as I love my job. I want an equal partner, a confident individual and somebody who strives to keep doing better and somehow who will make a good partner and a good dad. It felt like he was all that when I met him.. When the depression was diagnosed ( I insisted he needs to go to doctor as I saw the symptoms), I did not want to leave for that. I wanted to work through it together with him. The problem is I feel only I have been working on the relation. 

So even if he wins a lottery and gets rich overnight, it would only sort one of issues I have with him not the rest. The lack of trust and respect. To get this right, I will want him to come clean to his family and tell them I am his priority. I am tired of being last in line. When he sorts his s*** out, then I can see if I feel anything.

Hence the separation. I  am using this time to think about us and marriage and see what I want. 

Sorry it took a wile to write. I needed to think it through and put my thoughts clearly. 

[heartbrokenwife]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

And in reality, even HE will lose respect for you.  That's the problem.  And you'll lose respect for yourself.  He sounds like a mess anyway.  I mean, we all have some redeeming qualities, but why hitch your wagon to someone who needs this much fixing?  It's above your pay grade and it's better to find someone you can trust more and be happy with.  

Why will he lose respect for me? Havn't I done everything and more? I think I am scared of the future. Everything feels like a mess now.. 

I am also scared that even if we get back together, he will lie again or find a job, earn money and throw this phase in my face and say ha look even I earn money and I am the boss now.. 

He has never been vindictive or abusive but I have learnt in the last 8 years that you can never know someone fully..

 

 

[schlumpy]

You have demonstrated the clarity I was looking for and I do fully support your decision. If he can't meet your expectations and your clearly defined objectives, then you will have to move on. Eight years is a long time for you to keep hoping. I wonder if he will spend as many in regret. 

[heartbrokenwife]

1 hour ago, schlumpy said:

You have demonstrated the clarity I was looking for and I do fully support your decision. If he can't meet your expectations and your clearly defined objectives, then you will have to move on. Eight years is a long time for you to keep hoping. I wonder if he will spend as many in regret. 

Thank you Schlumpy.. I don't know if he will. But I feel I will regret not doing this earlier. Maybe he would have tried harder earlier. But too little too late..

I am clear on my objectives but it doesn't mean I am not afraid of the future.. It seems like I am starting from scratch and that is a scary concept.. Not finding somebody who gets me is even worse.. But I do not want to stay back in an unhappy marriage because of all these fears.

 

 

[preraph]

1 hour ago, heartbrokenwife said:

Why will he lose respect for me? Havn't I done everything and more? I think I am scared of the future. Everything feels like a mess now.. 

I am also scared that even if we get back together, he will lie again or find a job, earn money and throw this phase in my face and say ha look even I earn money and I am the boss now.. 

He has never been vindictive or abusive but I have learnt in the last 8 years that you can never know someone fully..

 

 

He may lose respect because you would sit still for this, because you don't respect yourself if you stay.  He'll know he can walk all over you.  And yes, there are plenty of men who will be worse if they make money.  I have a friend whose man lords over her when she wasn't working and was raising kids and didn't want her to work because he didn't want to have to do anything or lose that power.She's working now and it's some better for her, for sure.

[heartbrokenwife]

23 hours ago, preraph said:

He may lose respect because you would sit still for this, because you don't respect yourself if you stay.  He'll know he can walk all over you.  And yes, there are plenty of men who will be worse if they make money.  I have a friend whose man lords over her when she wasn't working and was raising kids and didn't want her to work because he didn't want to have to do anything or lose that power.She's working now and it's some better for her, for sure.

No I told him to be an adult and sort out his issues and I need my space for the next few months to sort out what i want clearly.

[emprosnet7]

I am trying to put my self in your shoes, suppose I was married to a wife that was a failure professionally or could not get a job but I could support us financially, would this be a big deal for me? It would not,  it would be my pleasure to take care of her. 

How is your sexual relationship with him? Are you satisfied ? 

The big issue as I see it the luck of trust and it seems to be concentrated on his job failures. Would you be satisfied with a man at home doing housecleaning and without kids? Or you have plans for a big family where you need two people working full time and being equal partners? 

 

 

[heartbrokenwife]

13 hours ago, emprosnet7 said:

I am trying to put my self in your shoes, suppose I was married to a wife that was a failure professionally or could not get a job but I could support us financially, would this be a big deal for me? It would not,  it would be my pleasure to take care of her. 

How is your sexual relationship with him? Are you satisfied ? 

The big issue as I see it the luck of trust and it seems to be concentrated on his job failures. Would you be satisfied with a man at home doing housecleaning and without kids? Or you have plans for a big family where you need two people working full time and being equal partners? 

 

 

No I would have been happy to have him at home any may be have a kid and he takes care of it. In fact I have spoken to him numerous times on it. Told him if health is an issue, then be a stay at home husband. I told him I do not mind that nor do I care what the society has to say about it. I would have done it happily as I did not want a big family. May be one kid too... that's all. He always said.. no i have my dreams and will somehow finish studying and finish my masters and work. It never happened.. 

My only issues is the lying for all these years and the fake life I had to live because of it. I had to lie to everyone because of it. I hate that.

[emprosnet7]

40 minutes ago, heartbrokenwife said:

No I would have been happy to have him at home any may be have a kid and he takes care of it. In fact I have spoken to him numerous times on it. Told him if health is an issue, then be a stay at home husband. I told him I do not mind that nor do I care what the society has to say about it. I would have done it happily as I did not want a big family. May be one kid too... that's all. He always said.. no i have my dreams and will somehow finish studying and finish my masters and work. It never happened.. 

My only issues is the lying for all these years and the fake life I had to live because of it. I had to lie to everyone because of it. I hate that.

I think that first you should decide if you want a kid or not because you are 31 years old.

You had "a dead beat dad who was alcoholic and had no job". You are repeating this pattern with your husband who I assume is not alcoholic though. 

If you don't want a child because of what happened to you it is understandable. I don't think he is the right candidate for a father.

I assume he was lying to you because he doesn't want to lose you.

You put the pressure on him to get a job etc.

Also there is the issue of what the society thinks, that a man cannot be supported financially by a woman. If you don't care about this stereotype and you release your pressure about his job, he will stop lying to you.  You have to tell everyone how the situation is and that you don't care. And you must forgive his lies so far and start fresh.

[heartbrokenwife]

22 minutes ago, emprosnet7 said:

I think that first you should decide if you want a kid or not because you are 31 years old.

You had "a dead beat dad who was alcoholic and had no job". You are repeating this pattern with your husband who I assume is not alcoholic though. 

If you don't want a child because of what happened to you it is understandable. I don't think he is the right candidate for a father.

I assume he was lying to you because he doesn't want to lose you.

You put the pressure on him to get a job etc.

Also there is the issue of what the society thinks, that a man cannot be supported financially by a woman. If you don't care about this stereotype and you release your pressure about his job, he will stop lying to you.  You have to tell everyone how the situation is and that you don't care. And you must forgive his lies so far and start fresh.

That's not true. I already told him 4 years ago he doesn't need to work and I do not care about him working as long as he can be healthy and be with me. I told him he can be a stay at home husband. He was the who said no I can do it and continued working. So no, me telling him all is ok is not going to fix this as I have tried it. I did not put the pressure to find any job and that doesn't justify the lying. I even told him multiple times, do not lie. I can take that your unemployed but I cannot take the lying in a relationship. 

The baby was a choice for me. I would be happy to have one but not unhappy if I do not have one either. But right now I am taking some time off from this to see if I want this at all..

[schlumpy]

When do you plan on pulling the trigger heartbroken?

[emprosnet7]

7 hours ago, heartbrokenwife said:

That's not true. I already told him 4 years ago he doesn't need to work and I do not care about him working as long as he can be healthy and be with me. I told him he can be a stay at home husband. He was the who said no I can do it and continued working. So no, me telling him all is ok is not going to fix this as I have tried it. I did not put the pressure to find any job and that doesn't justify the lying. I even told him multiple times, do not lie. I can take that your unemployed but I cannot take the lying in a relationship. 

The baby was a choice for me. I would be happy to have one but not unhappy if I do not have one either. But right now I am taking some time off from this to see if I want this at all..

Just a question between us and you may answer if you like.

Have you ever lied to him ? It does not matter what, have you ever about anything?

[Marc878]

I’ve seen this before. He’ll probably never change. You’ll get tired of the lies. That won’t change either.

Get out now before you waste more time and life you can’t get back.

Cut it off quick and never look back. There is nothing there for you.

[heartbrokenwife]

16 hours ago, emprosnet7 said:

Just a question between us and you may answer if you like.

Have you ever lied to him ? It does not matter what, have you ever about anything?

No I have told him everything until this day. My boy friends to past relationships to my passwords. I believe in complete transparency between couples

[heartbrokenwife]

12 hours ago, Marc878 said:

I’ve seen this before. He’ll probably never change. You’ll get tired of the lies. That won’t change either.

Get out now before you waste more time and life you can’t get back.

Cut it off quick and never look back. There is nothing there for you.

Do you think there is any chance he'll change? Sometimes I feel like I'm hoping for it.. but my head knows it's not happening...

[Marc878]

14 minutes ago, heartbrokenwife said:

Do you think there is any chance he'll change? Sometimes I feel like I'm hoping for it.. but my head knows it's not happening...

Not much from what I’ve seen. The future is more predictable from past actions.

Once someone hits their mid twenties their character is set. They maybe able to control or manage it for a time but tend to revert back.

While you can never be 100% certain your best bet is past and current behavior.
 

I think you know the answer already but are trying to be sure. Hopium will keep you bound if you let it.

Trust is huge. Once lost very tough to get back.

Edited May 10, 2020 by Marc878