single and truly content?

[despairingbuttrying]

At 36, I'm still very much single and not even come close to being engaged or having kids.  I can't help but feel a failure.  I have a stable job (for now) but it's not really a career, failed at relationships due to a few abusive ones which have wrecked my confidence over time.   

Despite battling self pity and hopelessness, I am trying my best to stay positive and continue to pray that I will meet someone but I've been single for so long now it feels illusive. I'm always getting the short straw it seems - always happening for people around me but never for myself.  Nearly all my friends are with partners, engaged or married. I'm grateful I have my health, a job, food to eat and a place to stay, but an entire lifetime without love and sex is a depressing existence and soul destroying, and one that will eventually lead me to a complete breakdown as I feel as I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life alone and dying alone. 

Something that has always confused me is when I hear stories of many people finding "the one" or finally meeting when they're not looking or least expect it because they're content in their singleness.  I really wish this could be me as well but I don't think I've ever been truly content.  Is it possible to be content and still suffer in loneliness?  I think there is an extra urgency for myself as well because I feel entitlement due to waiting for so long and having had more than my fair share of bad luck and mistreatment but I know life, especially relationships don't work that way.  I realise it's not too late yet and there is still time for me to have a family, enjoy a happy marriage but I was voicing these same exact fears, worries and thoughts, 5 years ago, 10 years ago.  The only difference is I was less scarred and emotionally exhausted than I am now.

[Ellener]

I think despair and self-pity and hopelessness unfortunately give off a 'vibe' which repels rather than attracts others. Whereas enjoying life and having fun even alone is attractive- that's why people say they meet someone when they least expect it. 

Deal with your scars and emotional exhaustion? Before you have the breakdown you feel is coming.

[Happy Lemming]

25 minutes ago, despairingbuttrying said:

Something that has always confused me is when I hear stories of many people finding "the one" or finally meeting when they're not looking or least expect it...

I knew this one guy who was a very successful salesman, he told me the key was "Always be closing"...

You want to find someone... always be trying.  You go out, talk to people, talk to everyone, always be chit-chatting.

I met my present long term girlfriend at an apartment complex pool.  Swam up to her and just started "chit-chatting", then asked her out for drinks later that night. 

Make it a habit to always be engaging, outgoing, approachable and chit-chatting with all manner of people.  Practice makes perfect.

I've dated A LOT of women and I've met them all in "Real Life". Some at bars & restaurants, some at stores (while in line), too many places to list... basically everywhere. Just talk to people, if they are interested... you'll know.  If they keep the conversation going, invite them for a drink or coffee.

As far as being single... I'm 54... never been married, never will get married.  I'm having too much fun and it ain't over yet!!

[preraph]

I had a friend about your age.  He really didn't find dates easily, wasn't attractive physically and was also a bit of a compulsive collector and a little OCD.  He sur eilled women working up the nerve and even that got a little creepy, I have to say.  He had a very good job, made good money.  

 

Anyway, he did go out to see music and he actually played bass in a band a bit earlier on, which still didn't get him the women, unfortunately.  He had an affair with a married one for awhile, but that was about it.  I think she and the hubby had kind of an open marriage.  

 

Anyway, so he did get out and about and he liked to go dancing to oldies or things like that.  And he had his obsessive eye on one woman who went to those too and was just focused on her, when one not his type (he always went for slim, brunette, approachable looking -- and this one was big and buxum and blond and outgoing as all get out.  Anyway, he literally was about to just treat her like she was in the way of him pursuing that one he thought he liked, but she wasn't taking no for an answer and made him dance and was just so outgoing and overwhelming, really, that she just married him and they've been together about 25 years now I guess.  She already had kids and they had no kids together.  He's never said one harsh word about her, so I'm assuming happily married and they're building a house now.  

 

So I'm curious.  These abusive women you ended up with, did they pick you or did you pick them?  I would usually tell someone who is having a real hard time dating to stop focusing on the ones they are most attracted to and just go out and be active and keep their eyes only on any who stand near them or are friendly at all, throwing a glance or smile or say anything to you, rather than working on ones who don't.  However, if these abusive ones are picking you out, then you're attracting them some way and will have to stop letting women choose you and be more proactive yourself. 

[an0nym0us123]

I think the only way to be 100% content with being single is when its 100% your choice. 

If its not and it clearly isnt then there will always be moments when you feel totally left out. 

Unfortunately when we are not seen as a catch to whom we are looking to attract, it will result in total rejection and indifference.

For many of us there is no one out there, just the way it is. The way i cope with it is to make myself extremely busy and work on expanding my business which gives me something to work towards. 

Effectively running down the clock till no longer around. 

 

[Foxhall]

well you have still plenty of time,

Its taken me until 39 until Ive met someone who I think is marriage material, I had a lot of dates for a while not going anywhere, no guarantee this one will work but it might.

the first thing is meeting people, I like happy lemmings approach there, but lets face it that is a difficult one to pull off if your low in confidence.

try online dating, try meet up groups, join activities you are interested in, even virtual groups in the current climate,

be happy to make friends even, if they are not interested in you- they might introduce you to some friend who might be,

I had got to the stage where I says I am happy single but was still trying to meet women, having a few female friends I think helped me when I did finally meet that woman who was happy to go more than friends.

 

[chillii]

Well , one thing l'm realizing with stories l've heard people l've known and going through divorce myself late 40s and thinking it's all done now ha, how wrong was l , but it looked that way for a long while first , is that it's never done.

Heard of 70 and 80yrs olds finding their love , marrying, all types of people all types of pasts and everything in between.

[despairingbuttrying]

Thanks for your replies.  

I do sometimes think that perhaps it's not me or her but just how it is. Sometimes life doesn't work out for some people and not everyone gets what they want no matter how hard they try and even more so with something like this because when it comes to love, dating and relationships, so much is out of your control. I just hope that I will feel fulfilled to the point where I can tolerate and accept that I may be alone, and not end up marrying someone just for the sake of it, just so I will have achieved my goal of finally getting married.

" I think the only way to be 100% content with being single is when its 100% your choice. "

This remark stuck with me and logically this makes sense.  That's why priests and celibate monks probably have peace with this because it is what they have decided in their mind and heart.  Perhaps they still struggle but they are content because they have made that promise to themselves for a lifetime.  

As I said this desire for a partner, a gf, marriage has been such a deep-rooted dream for me since I can remember, is it possible that this is like a personality trait? I recall my older brother got married around 31 and he had this same obsessive like yearning! Difference was though is that he never had a gf his whole life. It consumed him until eventually it did happen for him, albeit being semi-arranged (I'd take that right now for sure) and the fact that he has a high paying job (so that helped as well). So perhaps this is some strange family trait or am I over thinking this and I'm not much different to millions of other single people who simply want to fulfil their natural, God-given desires.

[Woggle]

Build up your own life and women should come. Having your own life is a very attractive quality.

[Juha]

Preaching to the choir my friend.  

Unfortunately life is not fair and relationships are all about timing and luck.

I have been totally content with not having a special someone but now that I am older

I am not content at all with it.  

 

 

As you get older it gets more and more difficult to find something/someone for that special relationship

 

[Juha]

10 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

I knew this one guy who was a very successful salesman, he told me the key was "Always be closing"...

You want to find someone... always be trying.  You go out, talk to people, talk to everyone, always be chit-chatting.

I met my present long term girlfriend at an apartment complex pool.  Swam up to her and just started "chit-chatting", then asked her out for drinks later that night. 

Make it a habit to always be engaging, outgoing, approachable and chit-chatting with all manner of people.  Practice makes perfect.

I've dated A LOT of women and I've met them all in "Real Life". Some at bars & restaurants, some at stores (while in line), too many places to list... basically everywhere. Just talk to people, if they are interested... you'll know.  If they keep the conversation going, invite them for a drink or coffee.

As far as being single... I'm 54... never been married, never will get married.  I'm having too much fun and it ain't over yet!!

This is great advice but with how the world is now meeting in real life is much less likely and more difficult

with how dating has morphed than years ago

[Juha]

7 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

I think the only way to be 100% content with being single is when its 100% your choice. 

If its not and it clearly isnt then there will always be moments when you feel totally left out. 

Unfortunately when we are not seen as a catch to whom we are looking to attract, it will result in total rejection and indifference.

For many of us there is no one out there, just the way it is. The way i cope with it is to make myself extremely busy and work on expanding my business which gives me something to work towards. 

Effectively running down the clock till no longer around. 

 

Pretty sad but also true for many people...

[Juha]

 

One suggestion I would give is if you are having trouble finding someone and are feeling negative about it

is to not do online dating.

That is unless you want to destroy whatever confidence you have left about dating and finding someone.

Online dating will tear you apart and make you fell 1,000 times worse than you feel now

[DarrenB]

I'm only 21 myself but I know for a fact that you are not life-bound to being lonely and single at the age of 36 onwards. Heck, people don't even find their soulmate in their late 40's/50's but still manage to have countless relationships, flings but also enjoy time of solitude.

Having a partner may not necessarily even help you with your feelings of self-pity and hopelessness, could even worsen it dependent on the circumstances - as you've already expressed this by saying it's happened in previous relationships.

If you haven't already, I would personally recommend building on a bunch of friendships first and potentially progressing into something further down the line. There is no rush yet.

[littleblackheart]

OP - I'm 45, single and truly content. I was single and truly content before my marriage too.

The one time I felt miserable and lonely was in my marriage.

So 'being in a relationship' in itself is not always a good thing - that's worth remembering!

A warning: any potential partner worth their salt will be strongly put off by the feeling of 'entitlement' you say you have so the first step is to work on that. There are so many things you can do at this time to be of service to others; you could perhaps get involved in your community to help those who are less fortunate? I don't want to trivialise your feelings of loneliness, but you need to try and find a way to keep things in perspective. If you got to see how many struggles other people face, this could open your eyes to how fortunate you are in other regards (especially if you are in good health). 

[Happy Lemming]

9 hours ago, Juha said:

This is great advice but with how the world is now meeting in real life is much less likely and more difficult

with how dating has morphed than years ago

If you are speaking of the coronavirus pandemic, yes "meeting in real life" right now is impossible and is "on hold" until life gets back to normal. Do I know when that will be... no clue; but it will happen.

If you are talking about meeting people in "real life" prior to the pandemic, then I disagree.  I've met plenty of women I could have easily dated (last year), but I'm in a long term relationship (for now).  I wasn't really trying to date, just being social and chit-chatting with people as I went through my day.  I think its a skill you develop with practice.  After many years, (for me) it just comes natural to make a comment, ask a question and start a conversation with a stranger (while out in public).

In my opinion, on-line dating is for the meek and scared who don't have the courage or skill set to talk to women in "real life".  Anyone can hide behind a screen or phone and tap out "this or that".  Women are attracted to confident men who aren't afraid to approach them and have the ability/intelligence to start a conversation and keep it going.

I've never had a problem dating or finding a woman to date...  Always be closing!

[Juha]

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

If you are speaking of the coronavirus pandemic, yes "meeting in real life" right now is impossible and is "on hold" until life gets back to normal. Do I know when that will be... no clue; but it will happen.

If you are talking about meeting people in "real life" prior to the pandemic, then I disagree.  I've met plenty of women I could have easily dated (last year), but I'm in a long term relationship (for now).  I wasn't really trying to date, just being social and chit-chatting with people as I went through my day.  I think its a skill you develop with practice.  After many years, (for me) it just comes natural to make a comment, ask a question and start a conversation with a stranger (while out in public).

In my opinion, on-line dating is for the meek and scared who don't have the courage or skill set to talk to women in "real life".  Anyone can hide behind a screen or phone and tap out "this or that".  Women are attracted to confident men who aren't afraid to approach them and have the ability/intelligence to start a conversation and keep it going.

I've never had a problem dating or finding a woman to date...  Always be closing!

I see you live in the southwest, people are much different there than the northeast.  People are more friendly where you live than the northeast cities.

Here in the northeast many times when you try to engage with a woman when out and about at places it does not work here.

The women are much more guarded, jaded, edgy, closed off, etc    If you talk to a strange women here many will not engage and want nothing to do with a conversation...

It is different in other parts of the country, when I am down south the women are much more friendly, out going, happy to chat with you..

There I have much better success than the northeast

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, Juha said:

I see you live in the southwest, people are much different there than the northeast.  People are more friendly where you live than the northeast cities.

 

Yes... I now live in the Southwest, but I've been nomadic all of my adult life.  I've lived all over the United States (including the northeast and mid-atlantic states), never had a problem dating in those areas, either.

I will say one of the friendliest areas was North Carolina.  Don't ask me why, but everyone there was helpful and kind.

[OatsAndHall]

I wasn't truly happy with dating until I truly became comfortable being single. I've always been a bit of an introvert and enjoy my alone time but I initially struggled with dating, post-divorce, as it was a roller coaster for me. I was looking for the "one" instead of focusing on meeting women and just enjoying the dating scene. I was often frustrated and disappointed when something wouldn't work out as I  was really only dating because I was lonely. As I grew more comfortable being single, dating became more natural and more fun.

[Cookiesandough]

You pose a good question. I would describe myself as 'single and content', but I have a couple factors working in my favor. First, I have rarely become lonely for romantic or sexual companionship to the point it interferes with my well-being. I'm not saying I don't get lonely at all, it's just that spending time even platonically with the opposite sex satiates the desire and I can move on.  Secondly,  I was raised by a feminist that taught me that despite her happiness with my father and me,  she would be just as happy if I never married or had children, so I have never had that pressure that a lot of people face. I what I am saying is that if you can find contentment outside of being in a relationship largely depends on the individual. I have known people who seemed built for relationships and yes they could distract themselves with hobbies, friends, a pet, etc., but I don't think they really reach fulfillment without being partnered. But you can stay positive through this with the right perspective. Be optimistic that the right person is out there and it's just a matter of time. Believe and enjoy the moment. Appreciate the positives of being single until you meet someone. Who knows, you might miss it some day  Good luck!!

Edited April 20, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[OatsAndHall]

Pre "content being single dating": I had a wonderful, day-long date with a woman after talking for about two weeks.. We had a lot of fun together; hiking, went to dinner, saw a movie, etc..etc.. I was ecstatic as a) I was connecting with someone for the first time in long time and b) the feelings of loneliness just disappeared. But she sent me texts the next day basically tossing out a ton of "it's not you, it's me" reasons for not seeing me again. She ended up ghosting me..  I had only met this woman once but I was deeply hurt because those feelings of loneliness were amplified.. Many red-flags flew right over my head because I had been so focused on this woman being my "girlfriend". Had she contacted later, I would have jumped at the chance to see her, simply to alleviate my loneliness.

 

Post "content being single dating": I went out with a woman five times in two weeks and we had fun together. I enjoyed our dates, she was fun to hang around with and things were good. But, she completely ghosted me; we were supposed to meet up to watch fireworks on the 4th of July but she cancelled on me and then disappeared. She got a hold of me a few weeks later and apologized for "being busy" and I ignored the text. I had my wits about me because I was in a better place emotionally and I had kind of seen it coming; I knew she was multi-dating and I ended up on the Rolodex. I wasn't upset with her or the situation; I just wasn't going to see her again. I was happy being single and had gotten what I wanted from the dates; I met someone, we had fun together but it didn't pan out.