lifeoflies Posted April 18, 2020 Share Posted April 18, 2020 I am holed up in an AirBnB because I am divorcing my wife of 31 years and i am forced by the virus to socially distance. Actually the social distancing has been a breeze as i have been doing that for years. I took particular interest in this forum. I cheated. several times. I'm not sure exactly when my marriage began to deteriorate but my cheating 2 decades before certainly didn't help. we didn't discuss it other than my having to describe everything in detail (dates, times,where,what). after a month or so it got back to "normal". hell, i certainly didn't want to talk about it! ....fast forward ...we live like room mates..no sex..i feel that her resentments began to eat at her. then in the last 3 years we descend into what I can only describe as madness. I had no choice but to leave. so i have been pouring over this site trying to understand this. emotions were not expressed in my family. i read about so many hurt people trying desperately to hold on to something, anything. the pain inflicted on the women here is sad. the emotions are raw. i am shocked by the cruelty of some of the cheating men. i am saddened by their questions that clearly show how clueless they are to the ways of men. I am sad that smart articulate women get sucked in the men and women who try to help are genuinely helpful and wise. some of them take a more "tough love" approach but if you read carefully, they don't generally skimp of the "love" part. Thank you for reading 2 Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted April 18, 2020 Share Posted April 18, 2020 What kind of advice or support are you looking for? Interesting how you are sympathetic to the women who have been cheated on yet cheated on your wife. Do you know why you did? From what I've seen and read, usually the affair needs to be discussed in order for the other partner to process it and make an informed decision about the marriage going forward. So, I guess it isn't surprising that sweeping it under the rug eventually led to a disconnect or resentment on her end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
texasgreeneyes Posted April 18, 2020 Share Posted April 18, 2020 lifeoflies - Are you still cheating now or did you meet someone new recently? Link to post Share on other sites
MadlyDeeply Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 Welcome to LS how are you feeling? Have you been doing a lot of reflecting? Do you regret how you have been during your marriage, did you love your W? Do you want to change now as a person, can you see yourself being a honest partner to someone in the future? Will you have ic, sounds like you may have a lot of problems from your childhood that need addressing? Why are you shocked by the cruelty you must have been like that too being a serial cheat or was you somehow different? Your right about the help on here, most people are amazing with there advice, just depends if your ready for it. My mm is a serial cheater, has been m for 35 yrs but has been unfaithful all his life but claims now I'm the woman for him, he has finally found what he has been looking for! Just waiting for lockdown to end, then we got to decide best way forward for everyone involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Difficultstuff Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 I'll echo the posts above: it's not very clear what you're looking for in posting here, and it'd help if you said that. Also, you describe yourself as having cheated several times, but then say you're 'shocked' at the men described here and 'saddened' at the women who've fallen for them - how does that relate to your experience as a cheater? I find it hard to know what sort of response you're after... But I recognise you are expressing appreciation for those who are in difficult places, and that you are divorcing after a very long marriage. I assume that that is quite a big deal, and wish you the best going forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Nats_16 Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 @MadlyDeeply what makes you think MM is going to come up trumps. I am in a similar situation and I am trying to figure out what is true and what is not. Link to post Share on other sites
peaceminusone Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 18 hours ago, lifeoflies said: so i have been pouring over this site trying to understand this. emotions were not expressed in my family. i read about so many hurt people trying desperately to hold on to something, anything. the pain inflicted on the women here is sad. the emotions are raw. i am shocked by the cruelty of some of the cheating men. i am saddened by their questions that clearly show how clueless they are to the ways of men. I am sad that smart articulate women get sucked in the men and women who try to help are genuinely helpful and wise. some of them take a more "tough love" approach but if you read carefully, they don't generally skimp of the "love" part. Thank you for reading Hello and welcome. From your post, I gathered that you just wanted to let out the words that had been circling your thoughts for a while. God knows, how long you've had to keep it in you. Would you like to talk more, about it? If emotions were suppressed in your family, did it make you an aloof man? Or do you use this to serve as a basis for the cheating that you've done? Maybe you are guilty now and just wanted someone to know here, that you are. I think it would help you more, if you can confess this to someone IRL. Whatever the reasons were, that lead you to cheating, are all in past. A lot of people who read this, who have been cheated or your wife, will resent you for that. But I think, acknowledging your wrong, is the first step towards forgiveness. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 I'm sure you have some valuable info for people on here, having been through it yourself. I agree with you that it is amazing how much rope women will give a man, trying to hold onto him. And what good can come of that? You're a living example of the inevitable deterioration of the relationship. You may even have grown past the point where you would cheat on her or someone, but the damage was already done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lifeoflies Posted April 19, 2020 Author Share Posted April 19, 2020 22 hours ago, healing light said: Interesting how you are sympathetic to the women who have been cheated on yet cheated on your wife. do you mean surprising? i am a human being. i feel empathy. i know what i did. it was wrong. it doesn't define me. i cheated for the reasons most men cheat Link to post Share on other sites
Author lifeoflies Posted April 19, 2020 Author Share Posted April 19, 2020 3 hours ago, peaceminusone said: From your post, I gathered that you just wanted to let out the words that had been circling your thoughts for a while. God knows, how long you've had to keep it in you. Would you like to talk more, about it? no thank you, but thanks for offering. i would prefer to read more. yes, i am grateful to have been able to express this. you guys are very wise people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lifeoflies Posted April 19, 2020 Author Share Posted April 19, 2020 im ok with people who were cheated on being angry with me. i understand that. i think maybe it helps them to have someone to vent at. my behavior was terribly wrong. had i been honest about my feelings, i could have avoided hurting her. i do think my affair 20 years ago, broke her. i was wrong. i want to live what's left of my life in happiness. all my sins do not require me to suffer endless penance, does it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lifeoflies Posted April 19, 2020 Author Share Posted April 19, 2020 3 hours ago, peaceminusone said: Maybe you are guilty now and just wanted someone to know here, that you are. no, that's not it. of course i felt guilty at the time. i don't feel guilty anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lifeoflies Posted April 19, 2020 Author Share Posted April 19, 2020 21 hours ago, texasgreeneyes said: lifeoflies - Are you still cheating now or did you meet someone new recently? yes. i am cheating. and yes, i've met someone. curious that you could ask that question. why? i know i am going to be savaged by some. i have been in an abusive relationship and am getting out. i have been in contact with a woman far away and i want to be with her. this woman has nothing to do with my divorce but she has been kind to me. I am in an emotional affair, yes. i have good reason to leave my wife. the woman i am talking to has helped me. can you imagine a man being abused? why did i put up with it? its complicated but i did. seriously....men dont let themselves be hit, right? why am i here? i really cant say for sure but i promise not to overstay my welcome Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 23 hours ago, lifeoflies said: I am holed up in an AirBnB because I am divorcing my wife of 31 years and i am forced by the virus to socially distance. Actually the social distancing has been a breeze as i have been doing that for years. I took particular interest in this forum. I cheated. several times. I'm not sure exactly when my marriage began to deteriorate but my cheating 2 decades before certainly didn't help. we didn't discuss it other than my having to describe everything in detail (dates, times,where,what). after a month or so it got back to "normal". hell, i certainly didn't want to talk about it! ....fast forward ...we live like room mates..no sex..i feel that her resentments began to eat at her. then in the last 3 years we descend into what I can only describe as madness. I had no choice but to leave. so i have been pouring over this site trying to understand this. emotions were not expressed in my family. i read about so many hurt people trying desperately to hold on to something, anything. the pain inflicted on the women here is sad. the emotions are raw. i am shocked by the cruelty of some of the cheating men. i am saddened by their questions that clearly show how clueless they are to the ways of men. I am sad that smart articulate women get sucked in the men and women who try to help are genuinely helpful and wise. some of them take a more "tough love" approach but if you read carefully, they don't generally skimp of the "love" part. Thank you for reading Finally an honest man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lifeoflies Posted April 19, 2020 Author Share Posted April 19, 2020 7 hours ago, Difficultstuff said: I'll echo the posts above: it's not very clear what you're looking for in posting here, and it'd help if you said that. Also, you describe yourself as having cheated several times, but then say you're 'shocked' at the men described here and 'saddened' at the women who've fallen for them - how does that relate to your experience as a cheater? I find it hard to know what sort of response you're after... thank you. i addressed that in my post. "Reality Check" Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 (edited) 23 hours ago, lifeoflies said: I am holed up in an AirBnB because I am divorcing my wife of 31 years and i am forced by the virus to socially distance. Actually the social distancing has been a breeze as i have been doing that for years. I took particular interest in this forum. I cheated. several times. I'm not sure exactly when my marriage began to deteriorate but my cheating 2 decades before certainly didn't help. we didn't discuss it other than my having to describe everything in detail (dates, times,where,what). after a month or so it got back to "normal". hell, i certainly didn't want to talk about it! ....fast forward ...we live like room mates..no sex..i feel that her resentments began to eat at her. then in the last 3 years we descend into what I can only describe as madness. I had no choice but to leave. so i have been pouring over this site trying to understand this. emotions were not expressed in my family. i read about so many hurt people trying desperately to hold on to something, anything. the pain inflicted on the women here is sad. the emotions are raw. i am shocked by the cruelty of some of the cheating men. i am saddened by their questions that clearly show how clueless they are to the ways of men. I am sad that smart articulate women get sucked in the men and women who try to help are genuinely helpful and wise. some of them take a more "tough love" approach but if you read carefully, they don't generally skimp of the "love" part. Thank you for reading Thank you for posting. It can be really helpful to write things out, especially when you're feeling really confused. The only advice I can offer you is to use the time on your own ( away form your wife, social isolation) to do what it sounds like you have been doing. Taking stock. One point you raised that I think is extremely important is ( and I hope I understand this right) is the importance of properly dealing with an affair when a couple reconciles and not just rug sweeping. Also, and this is just my own belief but I feel that in a reconciliation, both spouses have certain tasks and responsibilities. One of the ones for a BS is to really be honest with themselves about whether or not they can get past the affair. It may take some time to figure that out, but what's the point in staying married if both spouses are drowning in pain they can't recover from? It sounds like you and your BS (soon to be ex-wife?) were just never able to find your way back to each other. Edited April 19, 2020 by pepperbird 1 Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 Hey lifeoflies, I really did just find it interesting, as if you saw yourself in a separate category. No judgment one way or the other, I don't know enough about your situation or why you cheated--I wasn't implying you weren't capable of empathy. Some partners are horrible, and yes, many of us know men can be abused. Your subsequent posts are coming off as a little defensive to me. We are trying to figure out how to help you, what you're looking for. Do you want to talk about the abuse you've been through? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lifeoflies Posted April 19, 2020 Author Share Posted April 19, 2020 3 minutes ago, pepperbird said: One point you raised that I think is extremely important is how ( and I hope I understand this right) is the importance of properly dealing with an affair when a couple reconciles and not just rug sweeping. Also, and this is just my own belief but I feel that in a reconciliation, both spouses have certain tasks and responsibilities. One of the ones for a BS is to really be honest with themselves about whether or not they can get past the affair. It may take some time to figure that out, but what's the point in staying married if both spouses are drowning in pain they can't recover from? It sounds like you and your BS (soon to be ex-wife?) were just never able to find your way back to each other. yes. "properly dealing with the affair" does not stop at the gory details, although i realize that it is an important component of healing. we did all that. it sucked. i wanted to put it behind me, get out of the hot seat. I was happy to let her forget about it. we didnt go nearly far enough. i didn't have the courage to share my feelings. ask i dont know if she would have been open to it but i never tried and she didnt ask. when the #@#$ hits the fan, its all about damage control. seriously...a very bad time. you are right, of course about tasks and responsibilities. when i got caught, i didnt think i would ever do it again. i knew the boundaries. i knew if i was in danger of crossing them. i avoided those dangers. i simply thought i would learn from all the pain i caused. she became unbelievably cruel. i couldnt believe it was happening to me. i questioned my sanity. thank you for your kind response Link to post Share on other sites
Author lifeoflies Posted April 19, 2020 Author Share Posted April 19, 2020 23 hours ago, healing light said: What kind of advice or support are you looking for? Interesting how you are sympathetic to the women who have been cheated on yet cheated on your wife. Do you know why you did? From what I've seen and read, usually the affair needs to be discussed in order for the other partner to process it and make an informed decision about the marriage going forward. So, I guess it isn't surprising that sweeping it under the rug eventually led to a disconnect or resentment on her end. i should have been honest with her. i know why i did it. she was nice, she listened to me, she liked me. i was unhappy in my marriage. if i told her that, she would have left me. i wasnt ready for that. my failure to give her the respect of my honesty was fatal. what happened 20 years later was shocking to me Link to post Share on other sites
Author lifeoflies Posted April 19, 2020 Author Share Posted April 19, 2020 i look back and i find it difficult to think about what happened. it's embarrassing. the most incredible thing is that i was in the middle of it and didnt see it for what it was. believe me, if it can happen to me, it can happen to any man. we are socialized to see women as kind, gentle and nurturing souls...the disconnect was mine. i kept approaching her in the same way and she would do really mean stuff. i couldnt believe it was happening. when i got out of my house, i was a wreck. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 7 minutes ago, lifeoflies said: she became unbelievably cruel. i couldnt believe it was happening to me. i questioned my sanity. What did you really expect? Marriage to some women is a huge deal, by cheating you ruined her life. Some never forget nor forgive. They may go through the motions, but the anger and hurt runs deep. Being cruel to you was her way of paying you back. People who cheat seem to think rug sweeping is best and that all will go back to normal but they are not the one that is hurt. They had a lovely time, a fantasy love affair and they expect their spouse to understand and to turn the affection and love back on again. "I came back, I chose you, I love you, let's just forget it..." Wrong! 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lifeoflies Posted April 19, 2020 Author Share Posted April 19, 2020 (edited) 12 minutes ago, elaine567 said: What did you really expect? Marriage to some women is a huge deal, by cheating you ruined her life. Some never forget nor forgive. They may go through the motions, but the anger and hurt runs deep. Being cruel to you was her way of paying you back. People who cheat seem to think rug sweeping is best and that all will go back to normal but they are not the one that is hurt. They had a lovely time, a fantasy love affair and they expect their spouse to understand and to turn the affection and love back on again. "I came back, I chose you, I love you, let's just forget it..." with every and all due respect: Wrong! i do appreciate your point of view. just dont agree with it fair enough. she continued to be married to me, professed a willingness to move forward. she swept it under the rug too. so, its fair to you for her to keep "paying me back"? i just put up with it? Wrong! Edited April 19, 2020 by lifeoflies Link to post Share on other sites
Author lifeoflies Posted April 19, 2020 Author Share Posted April 19, 2020 (edited) elaine567 funny, i don't mind you ripping the other guys. they deserve it : ) Edited April 19, 2020 by lifeoflies Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 2 minutes ago, lifeoflies said: so, its fair to you for her to keep "paying me back" I did not say it was fair but it is what some people do. Resentment building up in a marriage is common and even more common I guess when the there is a real and huge grievance to stew over. Women are pretty good at rug sweeping too, only the dirt is never really hidden it is taken out and mulled over intermittently until the resentment builds to a crescendo. I guess menopause hit too and she let rip, it all came flooding out, hence the last three years of hell. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lifeoflies Posted April 19, 2020 Author Share Posted April 19, 2020 physical violence? throwing stuff at me, threatening to have me arrested on bogus charges. Anyway...i appreciate your point of view Like i said, i much prefer your gutting these nasty cheaters in front of their OW's. its necessary work that you do with some grace .. usually Link to post Share on other sites
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