wise people here

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Just now, lifeoflies said:

obviously it's not you.  i'm not sure women have any idea how difficult it is for men  confronted by a woman's love.  it can turn a strong man into a puddle.  i'm sure he could "feel" your powerful emotions and knew he couldn't reciprocate them because he didn't now how.  I am sure you "always" demonstrated your feelings, he didnt say he had no feelings, just that he couldnt "always" show them like you.  if he was married, it makes it so much worse.  I hope you are feeling better

Kind words. Thank you.

[lifeoflies]

16 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Guessing from your choice of words, I'm wondering if 'amicus curiae' has anything to do with your past secret keeping or passive aggression in personal relationships?

I am trying but do not understand what you are attempting to convey.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 minute ago, lifeoflies said:

I am trying but do not understand what you are attempting to convey.

That was my funny way of attempting to guess your profession. I've wondered if my xMM's profession influenced how he related in his interpersonal relationships. If you shared his profession, possibly you could provide insight on this.

[pepperbird]

If you don't mind a piece of advice, it sounds to me like you are sort of a "work in progress", trying to figure yourself out.

It's okay to let this other woman in. After all, it sounds like you are considering some long term relationship plans, so it makes sense to make sure you let her see "you"-not just who you think you should be or who you wish you were or want to eventually become.

[lifeoflies]

35 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

so it makes sense to make sure you let her see "you"-not just who you think you should be or who you wish you were or want to eventually become.

Exactly.  I can't communicate with her any other way.  secrets and lies were how i lived.  I will risk losing her love by telling her the truth.  she knows my past.  i have not hidden it from her.  every day i expect her to come to her senses and dump me but i keep my head down and tell her everything because i don't want secrets from her.  my posting here is a secret : (   i want to discuss it with her and i think she will understand.  I love her.

[lifeoflies]

45 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

It's okay to let this other woman in.

i could not help myself.  even after my wife discovered us and i cut off contact,  she was in my mind all the time.  I figured that she would move on but she didnt.  I told my wife that i knew if i contacted her again, i would be prepared to leave.  i was trying to get her out of my mind during this time and my wife kept needling me about her.  i understand that.  i hurt her.  she hurt me.  I feel better about being an honest man.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Your posts have triggered me because your personality is so similar to xMM, except you are doing your work while he does not. I've had many questions over the years about his choices, and hoping to learn perspectives I hadn't considered while helping and encouraging you to completely explore these aspects of yourself authentically. 

I've run the gamut of making excuses for him to convincing myself he's a sick psycho who gets off on torturing me emotionally and mentally. It's been quite the ride!  Please ask your 'kind lady' if there are times you've inadvertently hurt her. She may have been too kind to let you know. Give her the gift to heal those wounds if they are there. 

Edited April 28, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed reference to off-topic conversation

[lifeoflies]

2 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Please ask your 'kind lady' if there are times you've inadvertently hurt her. She may have been too kind to let you know. Give her the gift to heal those wounds if they are there. 

Actually, and its funny you asked.  she did tell me about a time when i hurt her feelings.  i was describing seeing a woman and getting close to her.....i didnt think i was bothering her but finally she admitted to feeling jealousy (she called it envy) when i was writing about this girl from my past.  She said that she doesnt mind about that anymore.  I felt terrible that i put this gentle soul through that.  honestly, there is nothing i would not give her.

I am likely more self aware than your man.  i can articulate my feelings better.  what none of you seem to understand is that sex is really a minor thing.  the feelings you engender in us are POWERFUL and confusing.  i am sorry you didnt get the closure you needed.  men are basicaly cowards when it comes to emotions

[lifeoflies]

15 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I've run the gamut of making excuses for him to convincing myself he's a sick psycho who gets off on torturing me emotionally and mentally. It's been quite the ride! 

and you dont regret it do you?  Deep down inside.  i think you tortured yourself more than he did.
no offense, please

Edited April 26, 2020 by lifeoflies

[HadMeOverABarrel]

12 minutes ago, lifeoflies said:

and you dont regret it do you?  Deep down inside.  i think you tortured yourself more than he did.
no offense, please

Not offended.

I don't regret it mainly because I learned so much about myself in the process including how my family of origin has impacted my adult relationships and the way I see the world.

It's given voice to old wounds. I'm still working on healing those. I realize now that most of my in-head dialogue with xMM pertains to issues with my mother from childhood. Probably common but not sure how many people realize we replay past dramas with current actors. 

[lifeoflies]

1 minute ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

It's given voice to old wounds. I'm still working on healing those. I realize now that most of my in-head dialogue with xMM pertains to issues with my mother from childhood. Probably common but not sure how many people realize we replay past dramas with current actors. 

Amen friend.  i think one of the reasons i didnt want children was i never wanted to risk f'ing them up the way i am.  I am reading about "Attachment theory" as a means to explain my own behavior.  Ever heard of it?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

3 minutes ago, lifeoflies said:

Amen friend.  i think one of the reasons i didnt want children was i never wanted to risk f'ing them up the way i am.  I am reading about "Attachment theory" as a means to explain my own behavior.  Ever heard of it?

YES! And this morning I was saying exactly that same thing to my mom in my in-head conversation...that I avoided having kids at an earlier age (still open to it) for this reason.

I was in touch recently with my therapist from 20+ years ago because I was trying to line up counseling for my bro who lives there still. He asked me if I remember one of the very first things I said to him. I was 19 yo. He asked what I wanted to get out of counseling. My answer? "I don't want to be like my mother!" Hearing that made my day! I have an anxious attachment style. You are probably anxious avoidant, correct? My xMM was anxious avoidant. I've worked hard on myself to not be so affected by it.

xMM is 3 years younger than you...so there's still hope he might mature to bring more self aware when he gets to your age. 😝 As for me, I plan to be living my best life with someone else by then. 

[lifeoflies]

3 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Yes, yes it is. Basically the gorgeous bimbo airhead who's vehicle to success is deluding herself into putting up with bad behavior in trade for access to the man's prestige and wealth. He gets another accessory to show off his status.  Mmm, is my cynicism shining through?  Not to be confused with a beautiful, classy lady who knows her own worth with our without the man, and is comfortable with her own success (even if she works a less than glamorous job) regardless of her relationship status. 😉

look.  most men dont know what the hell they want from a woman.  sex is an ultimate set down.  i think what most men NEED is a genuine connection with a woman.  a safe place.  the urge for sex really gets in the way.  all my life i wanted to turn it off.  i am sure your friend got in over his head.  i am sorry for your pain.  you've been very up front.  i appreciate that.  thank you

[HadMeOverABarrel]

18 minutes ago, lifeoflies said:

HadMeOverABarrel
thank you for listening to me and sharing some of your life.

You're welcome, and congratulations on your new "LifeOfTruth!"

At the end of the day, all each of us wants is to be seen, heard, and validated. Thanks for helping me, as glad I could help you. 

[lifeoflies]

1 minute ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

YES! And this morning I was saying exactly that same thing to my mom in my in-head conversation...that I avoided having kids at an earlier age (still open to it) for this reason.

I was in touch recently with my therapist from 20+ years ago because I was trying to line up counseling for my bro who lives there still. He asked me if I remember one of the very first things I said to him. I was 19 yo. He asked what I wanted to get out of counseling. My answer? "I don't want to be like my mother!" Hearing that made my day! I have an anxious attachment style. You are probably anxious avoidant, correct? My xMM was anxious avoidant. I've worked hard on myself to not be so affected by it.

xMM is 3 years younger than you...so there's still hope he might mature to bring more self aware when he gets to your age. 😝 As for me, I plan to be living my best life with someone else by then. 

Good for you friend!!!! 

you know about Attachment theory....anxious avoidant.  yes. 

"As for me, I plan to be living my best life with someone else by then."  forget that guy, time will help you

some guys never get it...you seem very nice.  grab for happiness and try to trust (just be careful).

[lifeoflies]

3 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

You're welcome, and congratulations on your new "LifeOfTruth!"

thank you so very much. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Just came across this article. It, and the book it advertises, seem enlightening:

THE TRUTH by Neil Straus

My mother sought to suppress my identity. She exploited my talents for bragging rights and ego kibbles while ignoring my needs. If ever my star began to shine brighter than hers, she was quick to devalue me, create obstacles to my success, and undermine my relationships with family members. She has been quick to take credit for my achievements though.

I was a pawn, currency to prop up her false narcissist persona. I was valued when I served her needs. Discarded when my own needs surfaced. This set up a pattern of believing push/pull in relationships was normal. I was left to fend for myself when my needs surfaced. My mother was covertly cruel. One example, she left me alone at the mall at age ten because she "got tired of looking for me." She knew exactly which small store I was in. To anyone looking in, she was a doting stay-at-home mom. They didn't know about her unpredictable rages. I was terrified of her as a small child. The physical part only subsided when I started hitting back at age 11.

These have continued through today. Even as recently as Wednesday she pulled her manipulative crap. I'm just more astute as recogning it now.

I wonder if you, or anyone else here, can relate to this? Honest with themselves about the true source of their angst? Or is brave enough to share it? This is why we find ourselves in affairs and unsatisfactory relationships: we were taught early on that chaos is normal, to fear intimacy because it hurts, not to trust others/ourselves, etc.

Edited April 26, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel
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[HadMeOverABarrel]

Here's one of my biggest insights distilled from the book so far, in a drilling down approach:

ANGER (and its cousins: resentment/rage/bitterness/self-righteousness) are empowering. They cover over HURT.

HURT inflicted by others can be the result of SHAME.

SHAME is disempowering. It's also where fear and loneliness reside (fear of not having/doing/being enough; loneliness is fear of rejection by others on discovery of our perceived inadequacies based on our fears).

Our childhood SHAME is often a projection of our caregivers' SHAME. We were born perfect beings into an imperfect world. Other's imperfections are casted onto us throughout our lives. Those projections don't belong to us. If we can recognize them, reconcile them, we can heal them, ourselves, and be released from our shame.

My mother projected her shame onto me because she want string enough to carry it or deal with it herself. But it doesn't belong to me. It belongs to her. I have to release it to become whole. 

 

 

[lifeoflies]

7 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

My mother projected her shame onto me because she want string enough to carry it or deal with it herself. But it doesn't belong to me. It belongs to her. I have to release it to become whole. 

I admire and envy your ability to look inside of yourself.  Not to seem sexist but i believe that women develop this ability through many years of practice.  i used to think it was what drew me to women. 

I am happy to read that my friend is reinforcing things she already knew.  :  )

Your insights have been helpful to me

Edited April 27, 2020 by lifeoflies

[lifeoflies]

and people used to ALWAYS ask me why i wasn't a father.