wise people here

[elaine567]

Look into the menopause, perimenopausal rage is a real thing

[lifeoflies]

10 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Look into the menopause, perimenopausal rage is a real thing

 you must be kidding?     of course i looked into anything I could find to describe her behavior.  ; ( 
she became toxic to me, meaning dangerous.  but in reality, i was the "problem".  i have looked at Attachment Theory to explain my issues.

[healing light]

2 hours ago, lifeoflies said:

i questioned my sanity.

If you haven't already read self help books or had experience with therapy, look into gaslighting. It's a tactic commonly used by abusive personalities to make their partner question their version of events, reality, get out of having to deal with criticism constructively, etc. Usually, it's coupled with flipping a situation around so if you try to address problems you're now the object of blame. You mentioned several times your wife was mean (and it's not clear if she was prior to the affair, you just describe your marriage as unhappy). 

Anyway, it's important to identify these crazy-making methods so that you don't fall prey to them in future relationships.

2 hours ago, lifeoflies said:

we are socialized to see women as kind, gentle and nurturing souls...

Trust me, rotten apples do not discriminate in terms of gender.

Tell us more about what set the stage in your marriage prior to the affair. What were the dynamics? Were you ever in love? Why was the marriage unhappy?

[lifeoflies]

31 minutes ago, healing light said:

Tell us more about what set the stage in your marriage prior to the affair. What were the dynamics? Were you ever in love? Why was the marriage unhappy?

looking back, I lost my father 2 years before.  my own research has shown that this is a powerful thing.  i wasnt demolished after my father died but i feel it was significant.  wife and i were coasting along..  it was pretty good them but we have always had a volatile relationship.  both very headstrong.  she was/is very intelligent.

Its funny to me that women seem to know EXACTLY what "in love" means.  i only think i've felt it only 1 time.  right now with my friend from another country.  wife was the smartest, funniest,kindest woman i ever met.  she was attractive too.  :  )  i figured that she was the best i'd ever find (and i looked until my mid 30's).  so, yeah, i was in love (as i knew it then).  i dont recall being "unhappy" either.  I can honestly say I didnt see me cheating.  it was a feature of my growing up...ugly and hurtful.

a nice young woman paid attention to me.  i was flattered  i never even had sex with her but i was knocked off my feet by that girl.

[lifeoflies]

i am pretty certain the diagnosis of the mental problem she developed.  yeah, gaslighting, old resentments. using personal things i told her as a verbal weapon.  i was like a frog in a pot.  the heat turned up so slowly mr. frog couldn't react, he didn't notice, it felt normal.  he got cooked.  that is what i feel like.  i am looking forward to the future!

[lifeoflies]

i have complained about and attempted to diagnose HER problem without consideration of my role in all of this.  Some of you called me on this.  I didn't like it, i was looking for sympathy, certainly not the kind of straight talk i got here.  Thank you for it.

I was pretty difficult to love.  I was a mess.  I didnt appreciate her, didn't give her near the attention she wanted and took away her confidence by cheating with a young woman.  It was shameful behavior.  Cheating was not the worst of my behaviors.  I hope all the best for my wife.    she has many people who care about her and she will be fine.  im sorry for what i did.  i wwant her to be happy.  i want to be happy too.

[DKT3]

In reading your threads (finally) along with your other posts you dont seem to REALLY hold yourself accountable for the breakdown in your marriage.  You seem to skip from marriage to her being cruel right to divorce with a oh by the way I cheated kinda attitude. 

Your mindset of wanting to avoid dealing with your affair is why your marriage is where it is today. I seriously doubt your wayward thinking ended with your affair two decades ago,  easy to see since your engaged in yet another affair.  So really you had an affair and continued to be a crappy husband,  yet you seem shocked your wife is bitter and cruel.  You've been cruel. 

That said, your marriage is dead. The problem is you are still you which mean a relationship with your new woman will most likely follow the same pattern.  As the saying goes "no matter where you go, there you are"

[lifeoflies]

51 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

In reading your threads (finally) along with your other posts you dont seem to REALLY hold yourself accountable for the breakdown in your marriage.  You seem to skip from marriage to her being cruel right to divorce with a oh by the way I cheated kinda attitude. 

Thank you.  I have come to the same realization regarding my behaviour.  I posted about it earlier this evening

[lifeoflies]

54 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

The problem is you are still you which mean a relationship with your new woman will most likely follow the same pattern. 

i understand that you feel that way.  with good reason.  i will do whatever i can to avoid hurting the kind lady who cares about me.  I know what i did to my wife.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I'm curious if you've considered how you may have hurt the young woman you're speaking of as well? How old is she? How long ago did you start your affair with her? Are you still in contact with her?

Edited April 25, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel

[lifeoflies]

1 hour ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I'm curious if you've considered how you may have hurt the young woman you're speaking of as well? How old is she? How long ago did you start your affair with her? Are you still in contact with her?

the young woman was 23, half my age at the time.  19 years ago and no, i have not heard from her.  She's still in town working as a cancer researcher.  She was a brilliant woman.  I think i was hurting more than she but of course i hurt her feelings too.  I callously threw her under the bus on D-day. 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, lifeoflies said:

I think i was hurting more than she but of course i hurt her feelings too.  I callously threw her under the bus on D-day.

What made you think you were hurting more than her?
It was your choice to stay married, you dumped her and most dumpers fare a whole lot better than dumpees.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Ok, so the young woman you are referring to is the one from 20 years ago. Sorry if I'm confused, but is this the one you are planning to pursue post-divorce? What about the woman from your second affair? What's the story with her?

[DKT3]

46 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

What made you think you were hurting more than her?
It was your choice to stay married, you dumped her and most dumpers fare a whole lot better than dumpees.

He has done a really good job of trying to hide that he feels victimized by his wife, nothing seems to be his fault.  He claims it, but it just doesn't feel genuine.  So of course he believe he was more hurt, it follows his pattern. 

[DKT3]

Lifeoflies, we are all human,  we all f..k up. What separate healthy and unhealthy is the willingness to do some serious introspection to figure out why we've done the things we've done. If at the end we are pointing fingers and not standing in front of a mirror then it's just bu!!$h!t. 

The vibe you give off is that your poor choices and bad behavior has only affected you, when the reality is you have wreaked havoc in two women's lives and now working on a third. Deep down you see no need for change, which explains why you can so easily point fingers.  Next time make sure there is a mirror. 

[lifeoflies]

41 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Ok, so the young woman you are referring to is the one from 20 years ago. Sorry if I'm confused, but is this the one you are planning to pursue post-divorce? What about the woman from your second affair? What's the story with her?

no.  the woman i care about is about my age.  I would tell you about her but i am fairly sure you'd kick my ass.  i am sure you'd point out truths i do not want to hear.  Sometimes, when a man is highly motivated, he will do something that everyone knows is crazy.  all the red flags, all the potential "told you so's", be damned.  I have been reading this forum for a couple of weeks.  I am selfish.  I didn't know what love was until her.  She lives far away 

[lifeoflies]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

What made you think you were hurting more than her?

because i cared for her much more than she cared for me.  she was young.  too young for a relationship.

[lifeoflies]

44 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

He has done a really good job of trying to hide that he feels victimized by his wife, nothing seems to be his fault.  He claims it, but it just doesn't feel genuine.  So of course he believe he was more hurt, it follows his pattern. 

Well. you have me all figured out, don't you.  70 posts?  amazing!  ....and you clearly have not real them all.

you seem very judgemental to me.  i don't know your story.

Edited April 25, 2020 by lifeoflies

[DKT3]

I've read alot, that's the problem.  As you weave your narrative the picture is pretty clear. Both what you wrote and haven't wrote. Example I've yet to see any genuine regret or remorse for your past actions,  which indicates either you arent or you really don't feel you've done anything wrong.  You've basically stole two decades from your wife, a woman who you openly admit you don't didnt and not sure you knew how to love. 

Even your post apologizing to BS for hurting them speaks volumes about your mindset. There is a high self belief yet very little self awareness in the tone of your post, they really come off condescending. 

 

[lifeoflies]

24 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Example I've yet to see any genuine regret or remorse for your past actions,  which indicates either you arent or you really don't feel you've done anything wrong.

with all due respect, you are specifically wrong in your assertion that i have not expressed genuine regret or remorse.  you are factually wrong.  as for your assertion that i don't feel like i did anything wrong...if you read what i have posted you will know that you are wrong.

Go ahead and be pissed off at me or my personality.  i dont care.   but i would appreciate your opinion more if it were informed by facts.

[SummerDreams]

The OP has said again and again that he never truly loved his wife, not how she was supposed to be loved. It would interest me to know, why did his W stay with him for 30 years knowing that he didn't love her and knowing all his affairs? I mean, the betrayed spouse who chooses to stay in the marriage is not the victim anymore and I'm getting tired of this opinion that they are.

Maybe it's the OP's way of writing that makes his posts seem kind of cold. I appreciate though that he said he changed his opinion about things. Most people at his age just stick to their opinions, even when they know they are wrong.

I'm sure that staying in this forum and interacting more with threads and posters he will learn more about infidelity and it will help him a lot.

[lifeoflies]

32 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

As you weave your narrative the picture is pretty clear. Both what you wrote and haven't wrote.

  well, it seems to me that you haven't bothered to read much of that I have wrote (70) posts and you i see your opinion is formed by what i "haven't written"?

Take care and good luck.  : )

[lifeoflies]

30 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

It would interest me to know, why did his W stay with him for 30 years knowing that he didn't love her and knowing all his affairs? I mean, the betrayed spouse who chooses to stay in the marriage is not the victim anymore and I'm getting tired of this opinion that they are.

i dont know.  she gave reasons.  God would never hold someone to "vows" in our situation.

i dont believe she stayed because of the vows.  i'm sure she didnt.  we just didnt talk about anything.  i'm not making excuses here but when i started asking questions, it got worse fast!!!

Edited April 25, 2020 by lifeoflies

[lifeoflies]

locked down in "paradise" alone has enabled me to take stock.  i dont have that much time left.  i have become more self-aware.  powerfully self aware.  when all the finger pointing is done, all the "excuses" are meaningless.  i know of my large part in turning a promising marriage of equals into a toxic hell.

I deeply regret that.  i want to only remember it to remind myself to always be open and trust my partner and never ever have secrets from my woman.

[texasgreeneyes]

lifeofflies - When do you plan to pursue things with your current OW? Are you waiting for your divorce to be finalized? Does she want to pursue a real relationship with you too?