Separating after Wife's Infidelity

[MilitaryMan]

Hello All,

I posted here a few years back in regards to my wife’s infidelity and wanted to give an update.

RECAP: January 2017, came back home from a 9 month deployment to my wife moving out and being separated for 7 months. Eventually we moved back in, in what I thought was an attempt at saving our marriage which turned out she was basically using me for free rent. Come to find out a few years later that she was sleeping with a Classmate from her nursing school. This guy eventually ditched her and married another woman, moved away and had kids. My wife was basically used for sex. Throughout this whole time she never accepted responsibility and never showed me real remorse.

Fast forward, 3 years later, We had lived in separate rooms the last year as she refused to move out of base housing (Military housing) and it’s been hell!!! No arguing but I feel my life can’t move forward. Now the time to move out of housing has come as I am transferring duty stations. She signed a lease at a place in the same town I’m moving so I can have joint custody of the kids and we can finally file. At this point in my life, I no longer lover her and just want her out of my life for all the disrespect she caused me.

So I’m back needing advice. How do you deal with a person that you absolutely hate? She cheated and maliciously disrespected me and she lives life as I was the one who caused it all. She has shown no remorse and still doesn’t give me the respect I deserve. How can I co-parent with someone like that? I wasted the last 3 years being miserable and I just want to be truly happy again and in a healthy relationship.

[DKT3]

Three years ago the overwhelming theme of your thread was detach,  divorce and move on,  you didnt listen.  She was showing no signs of being worthy of reconciliation.  

The advice is similar,  divorce get a custody agreement hammered out and move on. You dont have to be friends  co-parenting isnt that difficult even if you hate each other. By the way, hate is closer to love then indifference.  Work that out, get to indifference and it will get much easier. 

[MilitaryMan]

9 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Three years ago the overwhelming theme of your thread was detach,  divorce and move on,  you didnt listen.  She was showing no signs of being worthy of reconciliation.  

The advice is similar,  divorce get a custody agreement hammered out and move on. You dont have to be friends  co-parenting isnt that difficult even if you hate each other. By the way, hate is closer to love then indifference.  Work that out, get to indifference and it will get much easier. 

Your first paragraph is irrelevant. I was forced into a living situation and had to deal with it because I lived in government housing, I just couldn’t kick her out like if I where a civilian living out in town.

The last sentences helped out though. I do have to work on being indifferent. Maybe once we move out and live separate for good I can get to that point. Just trying to get over the hate I have for her.

[Buffer]

Brother

Big boy pants. Have her served D and keep the lines of communication Open for the children’s sake. All other through your solicitor. After the dust settles open civil lines if communication but you may have to suck up some crap as she has not accepted any responsibilities for the last A and living arrangements. 
one day at a time. 
buffer

[preraph]

You will want to set everything up about custody through the court so that you have rules that must be adhered to and no calling and asking you to do this or that and getting mad at each other. You will ask your later to have the judge set you up to communicate only through an app designed especially for hostike parents sharing custody. You can just Google and see what I'm talkin about. 

 

These apps save copies of all the conversations and they can be used in court. there are rules that you're not supposed to communicate except about the child. It keeps from having a bunch of bickering and having to deal with the other person much. if you want to you can even set it up to have a mediator pick your child up and do the exchange although I'm sure that probably costs some money. 

 

The important thing is that you make it official with a judge and create rules and the schedule that cannot be broken so that one or the other party can't be asking the other for favors. It's all laid out ahead of time. 

 

Once you're not having to deal with her about anything else, hopefully you can get used to it. Sorry you're going through such a bad time. Remembering never to drag your children into adult problems. I will tell you that that is the judge's pet peeve. 

[MilitaryMan]

13 minutes ago, preraph said:

You will want to set everything up about custody through the court so that you have rules that must be adhered to and no calling and asking you to do this or that and getting mad at each other. You will ask your later to have the judge set you up to communicate only through an app designed especially for hostike parents sharing custody. You can just Google and see what I'm talkin about. 

 

These apps save copies of all the conversations and they can be used in court. there are rules that you're not supposed to communicate except about the child. It keeps from having a bunch of bickering and having to deal with the other person much. if you want to you can even set it up to have a mediator pick your child up and do the exchange although I'm sure that probably costs some money. 

 

The important thing is that you make it official with a judge and create rules and the schedule that cannot be broken so that one or the other party can't be asking the other for favors. It's all laid out ahead of time. 

 

Once you're not having to deal with her about anything else, hopefully you can get used to it. Sorry you're going through such a bad time. Remembering never to drag your children into adult problems. I will tell you that that is the judge's pet peeve. 

I totally agree. I just need everything in a schedule. She’s a nurse, so her schedule is everywhere. It’s never a set schedule. I told her I would do every other week or every other weekend, that I’m not shuffling the kids around random days. We both need stability and especially the kids. It’s just really annoying. You would think after everything that she’s done to me she would have some sort of remorse or guilt and want to make things better. She is just a selfish witch who only cares about herself

[preraph]

You shouldn't worry too much about her limitations on schedule. If you do joint custody the most common schedule is going to be one of you gets the child Sunday through Wednesday and one gets a child Thursday through Saturday with Wednesday being the trade day. 

 

both parents will have to adjust either their work schedules or provide daycare for when they are at work. But I half and half schedule like that gives you both some off time fir shopping or socializing. 

 

And it may prevent one or the other from having to pay the other child support although that kind of depends on the balance of money and how it's been done so far. At least both of your working. 

 

but yeah I just don't understand these couples who want to leave all that up in the air and loose. It would just be one constant argument. Get an attorney and make clear to the attorney from the beginning that you want 50/50 and as a little communication with the ex as possible and mention that app. it will keep one of you from calling the other up at all hours and just causing trouble or trying to interfere with the others love life!

[Marc878]

Your best bet is parallel parenting and grey rocking. I know 3 who do this. 2 of which have young kids. It’s very doable and over time will become normalized.

keep everything separate, you have your time she has hers. Nothing together. Keep all holidays, birthdays, etc separate. Your family consists of you and your kids. 
pickup/drop offs limit to 3 minutes with no engagement.

never answer phone calls, communication should be text or email kids only. Learn to ignore anything else.

never go into her home or allow her in yours.

it may seem draconian but it works.

you have total control over you. Nothing on her side.

i would make allowance for swapping schedules, etc as long as she does.

Edited April 19, 2020 by Marc878

[Marc878]

1 hour ago, MilitaryMan said:

I totally agree. I just need everything in a schedule. She’s a nurse, so her schedule is everywhere. It’s never a set schedule. I told her I would do every other week or every other weekend, that I’m not shuffling the kids around random days. We both need stability and especially the kids. It’s just really annoying. You would think after everything that she’s done to me she would have some sort of remorse or guilt and want to make things better. She is just a selfish witch who only cares about herself

Her past actions tell you that’s never going to happen. People for the most part never change.

[Blind-Sided]

10 hours ago, MilitaryMan said:

....... So I’m back needing advice. How do you deal with a person that you absolutely hate?

....... How can I co-parent with someone like that?

Man... I do feel bad for you on that.  Not only did she break her vows to you and God... but she did a s***ty thing to someone who was defending our way of life. (Thank you for your service) This same thing happened to my brother.  She cheated while he was deployed, (airforce) he forgave her, they relocated, and she did it again with someone else.  At that point, he kicker her out.

Now... to your questions. These fall into my divorce almost perfectly.  My wife (together 20 years) was cruel, had no remorse, tried to destroy my reputation (she went down the abuse path) but wouldn't file, and wouldn't move out.  I was trapped, and couldn't move on until she was gone. (and used me for a paycheck)

OK... I can say this... once you and her no longer live together... it will start to get easier. You won't be focused on the crap... and you will be able to work on "You". When my exW gave me her key to the front door... and got in her car... it really felt like a weight was being lifted.  As far as having to "Deal with her"... you really don't have to.  If she gets s***ty to you... just close the door... or hang up.  My exW would show up and be angry... and I would look at her with a straight face and say... "There is no anger, or yelling in this house anymore. If you intend to talk with me... it will be as a calm adult."   This attitude from me would actually make her more upset... but it forced her to be a "Human" when she would talk with me.  AND... after a little while... her being mad/upset would bring happiness to me, because I know she is not getting the life that she thought she would have after leaving. (She had a picture painted in her mind of the perfect family and life with me gone)

Like you... I have kids with the exW.  So part of the above applies here.  DO NOT LET ANY ANGER SHOW when you two are talking.  You have to let the past be the past... and you have to move forward for the sake of your kids.  The actual co-parenting will probably need to be outlined by the courts since she has turned into someone you can't trust. In my situation, the exW has blamed me for all kinds of parenting issues, when in fact, it's her looking for that one issue that may have slipped. The last example was with the COVID thing, and home schooling that we are forced to do. The first week, when things weren't understood... my youngest said she had all of her work done. She's 9 and a good student, so I believed her. The next day... the exW was mad, and semi-yelling at me that her work wasn't done. (like I said, looking for things) I immediately turned it around, and told her (in a calm voice) That the info sent from the schools is not complete, and that our daughter told me she was done with what was posted.  (my kid was looking guilty at this point)  I also told the exW that if anything is posted later in the day... it would be her responsibility to deal with it in the evening.  So... I took the high road on anger... I took a firm stance on how things would be done... and I dropped the blame on my kid for telling me she was done. Fyi, it was a math sheet of basic multiplication, and took 10 min to do. 3rd grade stuff. So it was truly the exW trying to make it out to be something more than it really was.

The other thing is... you really need to lay out who will have the kids and when.  In my case, the ex wanted me to only have visitation every other weekend. I told her I would take nothing other than 50/50. I didn't want to own her anything... and I wanted a strong roll in my kids life. At that point, she tried to turn my oldest kid against me to get her way. But that backfired.  My daughter knew who I am, and she wound up living with me full time for the first 3 months after the exW left. It got ugly with the exW taking us to court.  As of now... she only goes to her mother's house a few days every other week.  

Finally... the best way to recover is to live a good life.  Your happiness will be her source of anger... and in turn... make you happier.

I wish you luck on moving forward, and we are here if you need to vent.

[MilitaryMan]

2 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

Man... I do feel bad for you on that.  Not only did she break her vows to you and God... but she did a s***ty thing to someone who was defending our way of life. (Thank you for your service) This same thing happened to my brother.  She cheated while he was deployed, (airforce) he forgave her, they relocated, and she did it again with someone else.  At that point, he kicker her out.

Now... to your questions. These fall into my divorce almost perfectly.  My wife (together 20 years) was cruel, had no remorse, tried to destroy my reputation (she went down the abuse path) but wouldn't file, and wouldn't move out.  I was trapped, and couldn't move on until she was gone. (and used me for a paycheck)

OK... I can say this... once you and her no longer live together... it will start to get easier. You won't be focused on the crap... and you will be able to work on "You". When my exW gave me her key to the front door... and got in her car... it really felt like a weight was being lifted.  As far as having to "Deal with her"... you really don't have to.  If she gets s***ty to you... just close the door... or hang up.  My exW would show up and be angry... and I would look at her with a straight face and say... "There is no anger, or yelling in this house anymore. If you intend to talk with me... it will be as a calm adult."   This attitude from me would actually make her more upset... but it forced her to be a "Human" when she would talk with me.  AND... after a little while... her being mad/upset would bring happiness to me, because I know she is not getting the life that she thought she would have after leaving. (She had a picture painted in her mind of the perfect family and life with me gone)

Like you... I have kids with the exW.  So part of the above applies here.  DO NOT LET ANY ANGER SHOW when you two are talking.  You have to let the past be the past... and you have to move forward for the sake of your kids.  The actual co-parenting will probably need to be outlined by the courts since she has turned into someone you can't trust. In my situation, the exW has blamed me for all kinds of parenting issues, when in fact, it's her looking for that one issue that may have slipped. The last example was with the COVID thing, and home schooling that we are forced to do. The first week, when things weren't understood... my youngest said she had all of her work done. She's 9 and a good student, so I believed her. The next day... the exW was mad, and semi-yelling at me that her work wasn't done. (like I said, looking for things) I immediately turned it around, and told her (in a calm voice) That the info sent from the schools is not complete, and that our daughter told me she was done with what was posted.  (my kid was looking guilty at this point)  I also told the exW that if anything is posted later in the day... it would be her responsibility to deal with it in the evening.  So... I took the high road on anger... I took a firm stance on how things would be done... and I dropped the blame on my kid for telling me she was done. Fyi, it was a math sheet of basic multiplication, and took 10 min to do. 3rd grade stuff. So it was truly the exW trying to make it out to be something more than it really was.

The other thing is... you really need to lay out who will have the kids and when.  In my case, the ex wanted me to only have visitation every other weekend. I told her I would take nothing other than 50/50. I didn't want to own her anything... and I wanted a strong roll in my kids life. At that point, she tried to turn my oldest kid against me to get her way. But that backfired.  My daughter knew who I am, and she wound up living with me full time for the first 3 months after the exW left. It got ugly with the exW taking us to court.  As of now... she only goes to her mother's house a few days every other week.  

Finally... the best way to recover is to live a good life.  Your happiness will be her source of anger... and in turn... make you happier.

I wish you luck on moving forward, and we are here if you need to vent.

Your situation seems just like mine! Especially with the homework stuff with the kids. She likes to divert things on me like I’m the bad guy. She is in the process of packing and moving out now as I am leaving NC for SC for orders. She said she’s moving down there cause “She didn’t want me pawning off the kids on her and not take care of my responsibilities”. I never once said I didn’t want my kids. She said she wants 50/50 custody, no support and doesn’t want my retirement ect. It’s all talk until it’s signed in legal document. She utilized some of my GI Bill to go to school and is now a nurse making good money!! So that’s definitely an advantage for me. I’m just ready for life to be normal again. I’m thinking about going MGTOW. If you don’t know what it is, google it. Men going their own way is a great movement and at the end it’s all about taking care of yourself

[Blind-Sided]

@MilitaryMan Sounds like you have a plan already.  And it's good that she's moving out.  Find out exactly how much she makes in her new career that you paid for.  If she makes more than you... and she gets s***ty... tell her you will apply for alimony!!!!  I did that.  my exW at the time of our separation made more $$$ on paper than I did.  But, I'm part owner in a company, and I only pulled a paycheck large enough to cover what I needed.  A lot of my stuff was paid for as company expenses.  At one point, I actually told her if she really wanted to chase the $$$... I was applying to get alimony from her.  (my lawyer said I could have gotten it)  But you are right... even if she says one thing... it's not real until it's all signed, and filed.

I will look up the MGTOW thing.  But I've recovered well.  I have my house, a new truck, most of my toys, (boat, motorcycles, so-on) and my kids love me. (My oldest is with me 85% of the time)  Oh... and not to mention, I now have a GF who is 20 years younger than me and has a sex drive that will probably kill me. LOL

Edited April 20, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[emprosnet7]

I can relate very well with what you are describing.  MilitaryMan to me you are a hero tolerating the infidelity etc. I was always loyal to my wife but she was jealous (big note: her father (70 years old) is crazy jealous about her mother and her mother treats him as TRASH) and from time to time HAD to tell me that if I ever cheated that would mean an immediate divorce. Did I ever tell her the same thing? NO !  Because I trusted her, why didn't she? 

Blind-Sided I relate to what you are saying. My wife and I both work very hard. Both has problems is our job that makes us angry and we come home devastated sometimes. My routine is to try to relax and take my mind of things and not bring any anger is the house.

Her routine was by stepping foot in the house to pick a fight with me about anything like how the house is in a mess, shoes are not in place they should etc.

Use me as a punching bag to release her anger. At first I could not understand what was going on and I would play that game. I was fighting with her about trivial things.

Some time after the fight, a completely different person,  laughing, phoning her mother obviously, and cheerful. Even wanted sex at night.  But my afternoon was wrecked and instead of getting relaxed, I was angry. All this negative energy now was transferred to me.  Until one time she told my mother that I was reluctant to start a fight with her and that she wanted to fight with me. I mean in a daily base. 

I started to ignore her and avoid her when she was coming from work. Slowly that shifted from me to the kids, so she started yelling and screaming at the kids. 

No matter how I tried to convince her not to do that, I failed.  I believe that I stayed in the marriage the longest I could to teach the kids that yelling and screaming is not a solution and to learn to corporate by the means of reward and punishment like depriving or their mobile phones etc.

 

 

[Marc878]

4 hours ago, emprosnet7 said:

I can relate very well with what you are describing.  MilitaryMan to me you are a hero tolerating the infidelity etc. I was always loyal to my wife but she was jealous (big note: her father (70 years old) is crazy jealous about her mother and her mother treats him as TRASH) and from time to time HAD to tell me that if I ever cheated that would mean an immediate divorce. Did I ever tell her the same thing? NO !  Because I trusted her, why didn't she? 

Blind-Sided I relate to what you are saying. My wife and I both work very hard. Both has problems is our job that makes us angry and we come home devastated sometimes. My routine is to try to relax and take my mind of things and not bring any anger is the house.

Her routine was by stepping foot in the house to pick a fight with me about anything like how the house is in a mess, shoes are not in place they should etc.

Use me as a punching bag to release her anger. At first I could not understand what was going on and I would play that game. I was fighting with her about trivial things.

Some time after the fight, a completely different person,  laughing, phoning her mother obviously, and cheerful. Even wanted sex at night.  But my afternoon was wrecked and instead of getting relaxed, I was angry. All this negative energy now was transferred to me.  Until one time she told my mother that I was reluctant to start a fight with her and that she wanted to fight with me. I mean in a daily base. 

I started to ignore her and avoid her when she was coming from work. Slowly that shifted from me to the kids, so she started yelling and screaming at the kids. 

No matter how I tried to convince her not to do that, I failed.  I believe that I stayed in the marriage the longest I could to teach the kids that yelling and screaming is not a solution and to learn to corporate by the means of reward and punishment like depriving or their mobile phones etc.

 

 

Sounds to me like you’ve taught your kids to accept abuse.

[emprosnet7]

3 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Sounds to me like you’ve taught your kids to accept abuse.

 No that is not the case at all.  They are very healthy physically and mentally. 

[Marc878]

Kids learn from their parents by watching. They see your wife use you as a punching bag. You do nothing but take it. So they learn what?

[emprosnet7]

13 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Kids learn from their parents by watching. They see your wife use you as a punching bag. You do nothing but take it. So they learn what?

no,  I am divorcing.  Do you think they will learn something? 

[Marc878]

3 minutes ago, emprosnet7 said:

no,  I am divorcing.  Do you think they will learn something? 

Yes, you didn’t say that in your Original post. They’ll learn they don’t have to take bad behavior and they have options.

[emprosnet7]

20 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Yes, you didn’t say that in your Original post. They’ll learn they don’t have to take bad behavior and they have options.

You can look at the post I have started. 

[MilitaryMan]

My wife officially moved out, but she needs to get a Uhaul to get her dressers and couch. So, she threw a curveball and instead of moving to SC with me to “coparent” she decided to stay in NC where she has “family support” so that equals me not seeing my kids as much as I want. I told her she had till the 14th to get her stuff as I have to turn over this house..man I’m really frustrated. I wish she would just get the rest of her crap and get out of my life! That’s the only thing left she has. I told her as soon as her stuff is 100% gone, I’m sending her divorce papers. And get this...she wanted me to help her move into her new place...yeah right!

[Marc878]

Waywards, you can’t depend on anything they say.

can you say entitled?

so that’s gonna change alimony? Higher for you?

Edited May 11, 2020 by Marc878

[MilitaryMan]

Marc, she is a Nurse and according to the last W-2 she makes about the same money as me. I’m trying not to get divorce raped but I have a feeling it’s going to happen. Just prepping myself financially

[Marc878]

Yep, sorry man but if she has them the bulk of the time CS is a calculation.

[DKT3]

It would be wise to research which state is more pro father before filling for divorce. 

[preraph]

If she is smart, she will insist that you take 50/50 custody so that she can carry on a normal life, and that's what most judges will recommend.