Wondering if your ex is going to come back / if no contact works / what the hell happened? - THIS first.

[Magleaf]

For anyone who is trying to get back together with their ex/thinks they made a mistake/wondering how to go no contact/etc. - please take just a couple minutes and read this, and with an open mind. I wish someone had written this for me.

 

It has been two years since I logged into this forum, and two years and four months since I created a profile while experiencing THE worst break-up of my life. I was hurting and I turned to this forum for for advice, anecdotes, and any signs that this was just all a bad dream, that I had some sort of control over the outcome. Mostly, I was confused. I couldn't eat, slept most days, spent all of my time googling breakups and relationships, lost 13 pounds, started running, discovered the dark world of "get him back" gurus, tried to get into contact with him or get his attention somehow, learned there is a such thing as "breakup diarrhea," let my summer internship go to waste, etc. I have never been so low in my life. I loved him, he was gone, and it was my fault. I was too needy, I couldn't trust, and I had ruined everything. I needed him back somehow and I was getting physically ill without him. 

 

Fast forward 2 years and many, many therapy sessions later...... want to know the real story?

I know now that I had been in a severely emotionally, psychologically, and (though it took years to accept) sexually abusive relationship. I didn't realize this at the time I was scrambling to understand why "I couldn't trust", why I was needy and insecure, and why it was over and he wouldn't talk to me. If someone had told me then that I had been abused, I never would have believed them. In fact, close friends had tried. However, instead of "abusive," these warnings looked like "he is a jerk, dude"; "he's stringing you along"; ""you're not yourself" "you never see us anymore" "you look like you're losing weight, are you okay?"; "you're canceling again?"

That relationship started as almost all abusive relationships do - fast and heavy, everything perfection. I felt idolized, I was told I was perfect, I had never felt so loved. Then, a couple of months into the relationship, I was 5 minutes late meeting him and he ignored me the entire day. He asked where I had been and how I could be so inconsiderate - he had been waiting. More and more, he would grill me about my whereabouts, about my past. He'd accuse me of smiling at other men on the street. When it was hot, and I wanted to take a shower so that I didn't smell if we had sex, he asked who I had just been with. He started saying he didn't know if he could be with someone so flirtatious. I was confused. I stopped smiling at servers and started to ignore texts from my long-time friends if they were males. At a bar, I saw a childhood friend I hadn't seen in years, went to give him a hug and when I turned around to introduce him to my then boyfriend, I couldn't find him. He had seen me hugging my friend and left the bar. My cellphone was on 1% and my debit card in his jacket pocket. I was stranded in a New York City bar at 1 am with no way home but to jump a turnstile and take the train in heels. 

He started to ignore texts and be verbally cruel sometimes. When I would ask him what was wrong, he would tell me I was overthinking and that I just needed to relax. I started to lose weight. I would wake up earlier than him to brush my teeth and fix my hair. I started trying to be perfect, to fix what was "wrong" with me. Any time I was unhappy with something he had done or said, he stonewalled me or rolled his eyes. I was told I just needed to "chill." He started poking fun at my body. When I would react, he would tell me he was joking and say I was too sensitive. He once asked me how I thought I could ever get a job after law school if I was so sensitive. I stopped reacting. I stopped seeing my friends, too. Not because he told me I couldn't, but because every time I would see them, he would start an argument afterward. Usually this was about how I was out too late, or that I was wearing something because I wanted attention, or that my friends were threatening our relationship because he "just knew" they didn't like him. Simply, it became easier not to see them. 

He accused me more and more of cheating on him, when in reality, I actually took extra precaution not to even look at other men. The accusations started to get more frequent, personal, and traumatic. He started "inspecting" me before we had sex. After sex, he would ask if I was sure I had been faithful because, as he put it, "it went in so easily" or "it felt looser" - effectively throwing body shaming into the mix. I developed an eating disorder. Then I started to wake up with him on top of me, already having sex. As ashamed as I am to admit this, I would usually go along with it, thankful that he wanted to be close after so many days of him withholding sex and affection. He always told me the morning after than I had woken him up trying to have sex with him. This confused me, but I thought that I must have been wrong because why would he lie to me about that. When I finally pushed him off of me one night after waking up to him penetrating my mouth, he told me that I had started it. That night, I held on to what I knew: I had not. He sat there rubbing my back and telling me I "must have done it in my sleep" and that is why I don't remember - that I "usually remember things wrong anyway." I will never forget yelling louder and louder that he was wrong and that I had not been awake. Until he get mad and told me he couldn't be with a liar. Scared he would leave, I backtracked and told him maybe I didn't remember correctly.

The most confusing part was that this behavior was mixed with happy experiences, when he was supportive and nice to me. So I held onto the good times, and despite the verbal abuse, the isolation, sexual abuse, and the eventual revealed cheating, I didn't leave. I had become so dependent upon his affirmation that the only thing more painful than staying was leaving. At the end of the relationship, I was utterly unrecognizable. A shell of my former self, I was checked out and hyper-focused on the relationship. The breakup was so excruciating because my identity had been stripped, my self-esteem shattered, and who I was was utterly tied to my place in that relationship. I entered therapy to figure out why I f***ed things up and how I could fix myself. A month and a half into my sessions, my therapist took off his glasses and told me that I was experiencing trauma bonding from being in an emotionally abusive relationship. I had so deeply internalized the script that it had been all my fault that it took my six months to accept this. 

I now work for an organization that provides pro bono legal services to survivors of domestic violence and human trafficking. I write these experiences and recognize the behaviors above as abuse - as the systematic, insidious breaking down of someone's self-esteem and livelihood. I now know that the confusion I felt is a common effect of gaslighting, and that the frenzied, helpless attempts to understand the breakup stemmed from coercive control and trauma bonding.

 

Why am I telling you this?

Two things.

1. when normal, non-abusive relationship end, there is no confusion. There is no searching for answers. There is no feeling in a fog. It was coming, and you saw it. You are sad, but not completely and utterly broken and out of touch with WHO YOU ARE as a person. My honest guess is that many people on this forum have been psychologically abused themselves.

2. During the months after the breakup, I made a couple of posts and received answers that were supportive, helpful, unhelpful, downright rude, and everything in between. One sticks out in my mind: after going on an apologetic, confused plea for help, leaving out details not relevant to me at the time, I received and answer that I will never forget. That person's response was that I was "a difficult woman on a lot of men" and that I was "an intense person" no doubt. Someone who had never met me was telling me who I was. And I ate it up. Because at that point in my life, I would have believed anything anyone told me if somehow I could have turned it into a map for fixing my faults. Despite my then reputation as an agreeable people-pleaser, the abuse survivor in me easily had internalized that message - after all, that is what my boyfriend had been saying all along. It was my fault, and the person answering me on the forum, they got it. In a couple of clicks, the narrative of guilt I had subscribed to inside of my relationship was reinforced by someone who didn't even know my real name. 

I have occasionally thought about this forum. About how when everything in life is going well, you most probably won't be on forums like this. You will out living your life - not worrying about answering others' problems or getting your own answers from those who don't know you or your relationship. While online forums can provide support, comfort, and community, they can also be dangerous for survivors of emotional, sexual, and psychological abuse. There is NOBODY online who can tell you what will happen, what you are like or who you are. They are blind, third-parties with no accurate insight into you or your relationship. Those that spend months and years of their time on these forums, answering hundreds of relationship questions most likely are not the most balanced folks out there.

 

If you are hurting from a breakup, that is normal. That is okay. Give yourself some space and time. If after a breakup, you feel complete loss of self, loss of value, intense confusion, and/or desperation, please PLEASE consider the possibility of emotional abuse. Google gaslighting, trauma bonding, and coercive control. If anything, you will know a little more on the subject. Finally, never let anyone tell you who you are or what you are like. Nobody can do that for you.

 

Time, therapy, chocolate, everyone. Be kind to yourselves. It will be ok.

 

 

[schlumpy]

11 hours ago, Magleaf said:

I have occasionally thought about this forum. About how when everything in life is going well, you most probably won't be on forums like this. You will out living your life - not worrying about answering others' problems or getting your own answers from those who don't know you or your relationship. While online forums can provide support, comfort, and community, they can also be dangerous for survivors of emotional, sexual, and psychological abuse. There is NOBODY online who can tell you what will happen, what you are like or who you are. They are blind, third-parties with no accurate insight into you or your relationship. Those that spend months and years of their time on these forums, answering hundreds of relationship questions most likely are not the most balanced folks out there.

Time, therapy, chocolate, everyone. Be kind to yourselves. It will be ok.

 

 

Quite a testimonial.

I'm happy you found a way out of your dilemma.

I would have preferred that you used the words "single minded" rather then "unbalanced" in your description concerning forum advisors. There is quite a difference you know.

 

[homecoming]

Hello, 

I haven't visited this forum for a while, but while browsing it today I saw your post and it really resonated with me. 

I was involved with someone who sounds very similar to the person you dated. Fast-moving perfection at the beginning, until it became apparent that this person had issues with their anger, would project and gaslight me, etc. I was an anxious mess, a lot of the time. Then it suddenly ended - over something which was not my fault, but I was blamed by this person. For months - this happened in February 2019 - I was convinced it was my fault that this person had cut me out of their life without a word. I sought help on this forum and others, and, like yourself, would feel 'triggered' by anyone that told me I needed to get over it quicker (most people I found did think my ex was unstable, but there were still things people said that triggered me). So then I just gradually stopped posting, and had to deal with all the pain on my own. It was one of the worst things I've ever been through. 

You're right in saying that when someone who is non-abusive ends things with you, you don't go through all the confusion etc. I've had two people end things with me - honestly? I was over it in about two weeks. With psychological, emotional and physical abuse, it is harder to get over. And you are right, online advice forums can be VERY dangerous for people who have just come out of those types of relationships, yes. I agree. I turned to specialist abuse forums just to feel like I was in a safe space, as 'basic' forums often are full of people telling you to find someone else, get over it, come on, hurry up, get over it! And that led to so much shame - why am I not over this? What's wrong with me?

It is only within the last few weeks that I have said to myself - you know what? That was a horrid experience, and I was hurt. Yes, I'd like to be over it, but I'm not. I can't force myself to get over it any quicker, and to be honest with you, I wouldn't want to. It's important to feel things, and to work through things. What would be solved by sleeping with someone else, or jumping into another relationship? I tried that years ago, and the relationship ended up a complete mess because I was not in the right space to have been with anyone. I agree that sometimes while VERY helpful, forums can be very detrimental to healing, and it's so important to be in the right space to handle a whole bunch of differing opinions. As a victim of abuse, you're often full of inner shame and extra sensitive. It's hard. 

Sorry, I've gone on a rant - I just felt like you (OP) really articulated things very well, and described my experience too. Thank you.

Edited April 19, 2020 by homecoming

[schlumpy]

14 hours ago, homecoming said:

Sorry, I've gone on a rant - I just felt like you (OP) really articulated things very well, and described my experience too. Thank you.

In summary I read that you feel that people who visit forums for advice can have a good experience or a bad one. Is that right?

What suggestions do you have that would make the advice offered here more on the plus side?

 

[homecoming]

1 hour ago, schlumpy said:

In summary I read that you feel that people who visit forums for advice can have a good experience or a bad one. Is that right?

What suggestions do you have that would make the advice offered here more on the plus side?

 

Hmm. Perhaps I wasn't able to articulate my point very well - I got into the flow of writing and maybe lost my point. 

I feel that there are many people out there who don't understand the impact of abusive relationships (which isn't a bad thing) - people who are fresh out of an abusive relationship, I believe, are feeling more complex emotions than those who, say, were broken up with after months of arguments, or who have been left for someone else (not that it is any less painful, but perhaps more complex?) Thus, the advice and support offered by people who have limited understanding/experience of abuse directed at survivors of abuse can be detrimental... 

For example, I had someone get frustrated with me because he had offered me the advice of "get out, meet more people, exercise, move on!" and I hadn't been doing it (I hadn't been doing it because it transpired that I had severe CPTSD and couldn't even leave my bedroom, and would suffer anxiety attacks when I tried to go out).

I then began shaming myself, because I hadn't listened to this guy, without understanding that the experience I had needed to be processed before I met new people, and shouldn't be doing that in a vulnerable state as it could make me susceptible to more abuse. As an abuse survivor, I was already full of shame from the extensive psychological abuse from my ex, and needed compassion and patience, not dismissive "move on!" type advice, which I feel is quite common. There seems to be an emphasis on getting 'better' so that you can hurry up and find another partner, instead of doing extensive inner work. Now, I feel more able to meet people, but at that time, I couldn't have and shouldn't really have been doing so. 

In another example, I had been left by an ex for someone else, many years ago. There wasn't any abuse in that relationship, although finding out that my partner had found someone else was heartbreaking. I was able to comprehend that I was left, and that it would just take a while before I felt better. I felt able to set goals, meet new people, and while painful, it was not as complex as coming out of an abusive relationship. 

I think my point is that general relationship forums are not helpful for abuse survivors, but are helpful for more atypical break ups. 

Again, this is all my own opinion, and I'm fine with anyone disagreeing... this is just what I've experienced. 

Edited April 20, 2020 by homecoming

[preraph]

I think the point about moving on is that it is usually the best thing to do, and that if there is something keeping you from doing that, that needs to be worked on and fixed so you're not stuck.  

[homecoming]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

I think the point about moving on is that it is usually the best thing to do, and that if there is something keeping you from doing that, that needs to be worked on and fixed so you're not stuck.  

No, I agree with that. But I think there different versions of “move on” - some people mean move on and forget it or get with someone else, and others mean do the work, look forwards. Some mean both. But typically I’ve found that “get a hobby and distract yourself”, while helpful, is the last thing that abuse survivors are really thinking of. Personally, I couldn’t have picked up a hobby while I was suicidal and full of confusion and pain from the treatment I’d just experienced. Everyone is individual, and the dogmatic advice that I’ve witnessed/experienced isn’t helpful for all. 

[Calmandfocused]

Op 

Your post resonated with me and brought a tear to my eye. I hear you! I understand. I’ve been there ... with more than one man unfortunately. 
 

I first came here in February 2016 as I needed help. I was trapped in an abusive marriage and was desperate to get out. The posters here really helped me. I kept reading what they said over and over... 

So having finally got out of my marriage (the fight of my life) what did I do? Yep, you guessed it, I got involved with more abusive men. It wasn’t intentional, sub consciously I was attracted to these individuals ... the love bombing, the adoration, the explosive and passionate sex etc ...
 

when I looked here for help again, I was told by a few posters that  I was the problem. Not that I was to blame for the issues but they pointed out to me (some more kindly that others) that I was enabling such behaviours, mainly by accepting the unacceptable. I kept being told I needed therapy and I struggled to understand why posters thought the issue was with me and not these men. It was hard to read but in retrospect I think they had a good point. 

As it happened I took their advice and started seeing an abuse counsellor was the best thing I ever did. 

I’ve also made it my mission to educate myself about narcissism and abuse and I can confidently say that I could now spot one a mile away. What I used to find attractive, I can now see as a hook, a manipulation and a vehicle to abuse. I do not ever want to be a victim of abuse again. Not now, not ever. 
 

I often comment on posts where I can see abuse but the op appears not to have a clue. I like to think I can offer some help to others in the same way they helped me. 
 

I’m glad you now work in the field of abuse. I do too. It’s empowering knowing that all the trauma we went through had resulted in some benefit to others. Good on you! 
 

Wishing you all the best.