Friend prioritizing my ex

[balletomane]

I have a friend whom I've been very close to for eight years. Four years ago she and her husband became friends with a man they'd met through work. This guy came to do a graduate degree in our city, and they offered to rent him a room.

I ended up dating him for a brief time and getting hurt by his erratic behavior. Our mutual friend, his landlady, told me he has a track record of being unreliable and flaky with his girlfriends, and that if I'd asked her advice she would have warned me about this. She told me he'd dated another friend of hers and handled their breakup so poorly (ghosting) that now this woman is uncomfortable visiting the house. My friend warned him that he mustn't treat me the same way and that she'd be angry if I ever felt like I couldn't visit.

Well, he behaved in a very similar way. Luckily for me he moved away right afterwards, so I still felt OK visiting my friend.

Now that the pandemic has hit, I obviously can't see her, and this is where things get hurtful. She messaged suggesting we eat virtual lunch together. She then forgot about it. She sent an apology and asked to reschedule. I agreed, but she never got back to me. However - and this is what stings - she has been socializing with my ex online. I saw photos of their Zoom dinner on her Facebook page, plus lots of back-and-forth comments between them on her wall, which make it plain they're in daily contact.

I feel as if she's chosen him over me. I never expected or wanted her to stop being friends with him, as they're close and he's friends with her husband and lots of their circle as well. I just never expected to be discarded myself. She's known me for much longer than she's known him and we are (were?) close too. More than that, I gave her a lot of support when she was in the hospital for major surgery, while this guy upset her by not replying to anything she wrote to him at that time, for over four months. She told me how hurt she was by that. It seems to me that he constantly flakes out on people and they just keep giving him a pass.

It's unpleasant to feel forgotten by her in the middle of lockdown. I don't want to keep reaching out in case I just feel like some obligation to her now.

Anyway, writing that down made me feel better. I needed to vent.

 

[stillafool]

I'm sorry you feel hurt.  Perhaps it was her husband who wanted to virtual dinner with him and that's why she did it.  It can be difficult when you have friends who are friends with an ex.

[preraph]

She's known him longer than you. and just because she knows he has problem with relationships doesn't mean she has a problem with him personally and her husband is also involved with him. 

 

This shouldn't be a big deal to you. 

[balletomane]

30 minutes ago, preraph said:

She's known him longer than you. and just because she knows he has problem with relationships doesn't mean she has a problem with him personally and her husband is also involved with him. 

 

This shouldn't be a big deal to you. 

She's known me longer than she's known him, as I said in my post. She's been close to me for eight years (and we've known each other even longer than that). She only met him four years ago.

I don't expect her to stop being friends with him. I don't think she should have a problem with him. What hurts is that she isn't making any time for me, even though I have consistently made time for her when she's needed it, which he certainly hasn't done.

I live alone and I work in frontline healthcare. I don't see anyone outside work unless it's over a screen. All my friends know that, which is why it's painful when a close friend forgets our lunch and then ignores messages. It's stressful and unfortunately telling myself that I "shouldn't" feel upset doesn't help.

[preraph]

Oh, sorry.  I did misread who knew who the longest.  I still think you're putting too much importance on it, though.  Sorry.  She didn't stand you up.  She just changed plans.  Just because she's friends with him doesn't mean she's choosing him over you.  Do you think it's awkward for her being in the middle of you two, though?  Does he talk to her about you?  Do you talk to her about him?  There is a possibility that she is feeling in the middle or something.  

[peaceminusone]

54 minutes ago, balletomane said:

 

I live alone and I work in frontline healthcare. I don't see anyone outside work unless it's over a screen. All my friends know that, which is why it's painful when a close friend forgets our lunch and then ignores messages. It's stressful and unfortunately telling myself that I "shouldn't" feel upset doesn't help.

Ah I see. 
I don't think she has stopped giving you the same amount of importance. Shes probably just making more interaction with people who obviously have a lot of free time. 
Since you're on the front-line in healthcare ( and thank you so much for that. ) you're busy and already too stressed. 

This may have been a little thing for you, if it weren't for your hectic schedule. Things are just bad all around and you happened to notice this little betrayal. 
Let it cool down and take care of yourself. Your friend will surely bounce back and start pestering you like before, when you weren't cooped in work. 

[stillafool]

i can understand your being upset that she cancelled your virtual lunch because you wanted to spend time with her.  I don't think it's fair to be upset about it just because her and her husband had virtual dinner with your ex.  They have probably had virtual dinners with other people as well since she cancelled on you.  Probably she didn't get back around to rescheduling with you because she knows you must be exhausted from working long hours.

[balletomane]

She didn't cancel. She forgot about it. She realized she'd forgotten later that day and apologized, but she didn't respond to my rescheduling suggestions. I agree it probably isn't personal. In normal times I might be a bit annoyed but I wouldn't think anything of it. In this situation it's getting to me, probably because I was looking forward to some social time with someone who isn't a medic or other health professional. My coworkers are lovely people, but even when we try to talk about non-work stuff we end up talking about work.

Peaceminusone, thanks for that insight. It really helped. It may sound weird, but since lockdown started I've forgotten that most people don't organize their lives around shifts. It's easy to get sucked into a little hospital bubble and forget how other people might see my situation.

Preraph, I don't talk to her about him. I don't know if he speaks to her about me. It's possible she does feel in the middle anyway. She told me once that he was feeling guilty about how he acted with me and to avoid upsetting him she stopped mentioning me in any context, which made her feel awkward. But that was shortly after the breakup and I'd be surprised if things are still like that now.

Anyway, I feel better this evening. I think I'll message her again and say that I'd really appreciate chance to catch up.

[ShyViolet]

This is not about her friendship with your ex.  I don't really understand why you feel the need to compare your friendship with her to her friendship with your ex.  This is not a competition.  

It's completely understandable that you are hurt and disappointed that she hasn't been putting as much effort into your friendship lately or paying as much attention to you as you'd like.  Be upset about that, and maybe talk to her about it.  But there's no reason to bring your ex into it.