Lylalou Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 I’m 9 months nc from a 7 year affair. I had to end it for my sanity, had many tries and this is the longest, I’m getting there and can see how toxic he was or maybe that should be we were. Many times I questioned my sanity over what I was doing and what he was telling me, the lies he told me were off scale. Of course it wasn’t a true love story just the usual MM having his cake. He had cheated on his wife before so prob a serial cheat at that. Any way the reason I’m struggling is last week he messaged me, I haven’t read it but what I could see he was wanting to know if I’m ok due to lockdown etc. Yesterday he messaged again, apparently he is disappointed with me and has no ulterior motive, again I haven’t replied. It’s his birthday today and all night I had thoughts running through my head. I know this will pass but I don’t know if I should message just to say I’m ok and hopefully he’ll leave me alone or ignore. Your thoughts please. Link to post Share on other sites
Nats_16 Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 Do not respond, this is typical behaviour of a bored married man who is looking to see if you will allow him access to you again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 Despite what he may think, you have no obligation to respond. Don’t let him guilt you into thinking otherwise. Is there a way that you can block these messages, such that you will not be aware if he tries to contact you again? Link to post Share on other sites
Difficultstuff Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 I think you should leave it alone. As you said, you went NC for your sanity, and are aware of how toxic he is for you. Block him if you can, and stay sane. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 Why haven't you blocked him to make sure you don't hear from him again and fall back into an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lylalou Posted April 19, 2020 Author Share Posted April 19, 2020 @stillafool I know that’s what I should do, I’ve blocked him on FB just haven’t quite managed it on my phone up until now, 26 yrs of friendship I suppose it’s hard to wipe that out. You’re right though I need to block him, because that is the only way forward for me to get to where I need to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Nats_16 Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 @Lylalou its so hard when you were friends as well as lovers. If this has taught me one thing it would be to never be pulled in by an old flame unless he is available. Link to post Share on other sites
peaceminusone Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 1 hour ago, Lylalou said: @stillafool I know that’s what I should do, I’ve blocked him on FB just haven’t quite managed it on my phone up until now, 26 yrs of friendship I suppose it’s hard to wipe that out. You’re right though I need to block him, because that is the only way forward for me to get to where I need to be. They throw crumbs to see if it works. Please block him everywhere. Also, sometimes the worst blow comes from those that are nearest. I hope you feel better. Make yourself busy ! and leave the man in dust, where he belongs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 Hi there - I just wanted to send you some strength. I can certainly understand why this week his reaching out is even is more triggering. You have come so far and you are doing the right thing by staying NC. I hope this far out you are starting to see more light and have the perspective on what moving backwards will do to you. All the best! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lylalou Posted April 20, 2020 Author Share Posted April 20, 2020 @Abetterme thank you, I know how far I have come, those awful feelings and anxiety of when I will see him, why hasn’t he replied, why aren’t I good enough and the list goes on, I’m passed all that and it feels good. But part of me feels I will always love him, I’ve been through the anger at myself and MM but somehow I always come back to the feeling of love. Im moving away this year fulfilling a dream, so I’ll never have to bump into him again. I’ve even done the cathartic letter to his wife, part of me wants to drop the bomb, why should he get away Scott free and I’m still suffering. I’m sure I’ll be good and never drop the bomb but the thought is a nice thought at times. Link to post Share on other sites
Beca L Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 41 minutes ago, Lylalou said: Im moving away this year fulfilling a dream, so I’ll never have to bump into him again. I’ve even done the cathartic letter to his wife, part of me wants to drop the bomb, why should he get away Scott free and I’m still suffering. I’m sure I’ll be good and never drop the bomb but the thought is a nice thought at times. Hi, hope you are feeling better today and sorry you are having a tough time. You have done so well up until now pls keep on going. I hope you didn’t respond to his text, he’s obviously having a tough time like we all are during lock down and wanted to try and restart things with you. But he didn’t come back to you as a divorced man begging your forgiveness and hoping for a new future with you. He’s just tested the water to see if you’d still be willing to be his OW !!! The answer to that one is NO, NO WAY !!! I’m 17 weeks NC, so not as long as you but I‘m still having the feelings of why hasn’t he contacted me, why was I not good enough, how could he treat me like this etc. I do hope these will pass soon. I’m angry still and I agree why should they get away scott free whilst we suffer. But as Elaine pointed out to me, if you do tell all to BS the evidence would probably be binned and normal service resumed with MM. So your efforts would be futile and only make you look bad and feel worse. I hope your new life and plans bring you some peace and happiness and one day real and honest true love, Hugs xo Link to post Share on other sites
Beca L Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 Also it was my xmm’s bday on Friday so I know how you were feeling. It was a tough day for me but I didn’t contact him. I did think he might reach out to me but of course he didn’t !!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lylalou Posted April 20, 2020 Author Share Posted April 20, 2020 Thank you @Beca L I promise you things will get better those thoughts will diminish and you will feel normal again. We are worth more and we should realise that. BUT it is hard but surely that tells us how unhealthy a relationship we got ourselves into. I can’t wait to move, it’s a big one away from everything I know but I’m hoping it will help me. I’m not so sure sending my cathartic letter will make me feel worse and although it prob would get swept under the carpet it would hopefully cause some problems for him, I just feel that I’d be a horrible person hurting his wife and daughter, I’ll prob never do it but can’t help thinking about it, think it’s all just a very strange time. Beca you will get there and feel good again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lylalou Posted April 20, 2020 Author Share Posted April 20, 2020 @S2B I know he isn’t my friend any more, as sad as that is, I know he would have liked to have stayed friends though. I’ll get there, im well on the way, I didn’t respond which was hard because of his birthday but I’m not going to ruin 9 months of hard work and feel like a total failure yet again. The struggle was real yesterday but today is a new day, a new week and I will make it. Thank you to all you lovely people for your help. 😘 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Beca L Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 22 minutes ago, Lylalou said: The struggle was real yesterday but today is a new day, a new week and I will make it. Thank you to all you lovely people for your help. 😘 Good to hear that. I hope I’m at the same stage in 4-5 months time as you are. That has always been my worry that xmm might try to make contact again and how I would respond. Keep going and posting when times are tough. We will keep you going. Xo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lifeoflies Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 On 4/19/2020 at 6:34 AM, Lylalou said: I’m struggling is last week he messaged me, I haven’t read it but what I could see he was wanting to know if I’m ok due to lockdown he is fishing 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MilaVaneela Posted April 21, 2020 Share Posted April 21, 2020 Hi Lylalou, I’m so sorry you’ve ended up in this situation and that you’re struggling. The MM is indeed tossing bait out there to see if you’ll bite again. Possibly bored, possibly enjoys the thrill of the chase? Who knows? You certainly don’t owe him the ego stroke of a response. You sound like a very level headed person who’s been making the best decisions for YOU which is awesome. Keep putting yourself first and don’t let him drag you down into his level (as you said, you recognized the toxic mess festering between the two of you). Good luck! 😁 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lifeoflies Posted April 21, 2020 Share Posted April 21, 2020 50 minutes ago, MilaVaneela said: The MM is indeed tossing bait out there to see if you’ll bite again. if you bite, he can put worries about your availability aside, content that you will be there when he decides to move on you again. if you want to be happy, try hard to ignore his pitiful attempts. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lylalou Posted April 21, 2020 Author Share Posted April 21, 2020 Again thank you for all your responses, you have kept me from doing a really bad thing by falling off the wagon, I didn’t and I thank you all for that. I know this has knocked me back a few steps but I will be back to moving forward being my happy self again soon. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Luna66star Posted April 22, 2020 Share Posted April 22, 2020 It's very hard to cut off someone you have known for that long. I was angry with my MM many times for breadcrumbing me. After awhile the anger dissipated. He knew just how long to stay away and would pop back up knowing I had calmed down. At that point, nostalgia and good memories resurfaced. I started talking to him again. It seems as soon as he knew I didn't hate him anymore he got comfortable again and vanished to do who knows what with who. Likely other women as he has always been a notorious flirt. The only thing that worked for me was to wean off with a slow fade and start breadcrumbing him. I think it really pissed him off as I haven't heard from him in a month. Finally, I have peace. I wish this for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lylalou Posted April 22, 2020 Author Share Posted April 22, 2020 @Luna66star I think that is so true, my anger and memories of all the lies and let downs have dissipated, he prob knows that. But I can’t do slow fade, tried and failed, has to be final no contact. Good luck Luna Link to post Share on other sites
lifeoflies Posted April 22, 2020 Share Posted April 22, 2020 1 hour ago, Lylalou said: anger and memories too bad you cant remember the anger and forget the memories. that is the hardest part, isn't it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lifeoflies Posted April 22, 2020 Share Posted April 22, 2020 (edited) 13 hours ago, Luna66star said: I was angry with my MM if he is a MM, then "my" doesn't apply. he is not yours, he "belongs" to another woman. "My MM" is an oxymoron, right. he is only your MM in your heart. Some women refer to him as "The MM", which is more accurate. Edited April 22, 2020 by lifeoflies Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lylalou Posted April 22, 2020 Author Share Posted April 22, 2020 @lifeoflies yes hanging onto the anger would be best, easier said than done but sadly our brains an made to forget pain and hurt. But time is a healer and I will get there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Findingfreedom Posted April 24, 2020 Share Posted April 24, 2020 On 4/22/2020 at 12:44 AM, Luna66star said: It's very hard to cut off someone you have known for that long. I was angry with my MM many times for breadcrumbing me. After awhile the anger dissipated. He knew just how long to stay away and would pop back up knowing I had calmed down. At that point, nostalgia and good memories resurfaced. I started talking to him again. It seems as soon as he knew I didn't hate him anymore he got comfortable again and vanished to do who knows what with who. Likely other women as he has always been a notorious flirt. The only thing that worked for me was to wean off with a slow fade and start breadcrumbing him. I think it really pissed him off as I haven't heard from him in a month. Finally, I have peace. I wish this for you. How did you breadcrumb him? Link to post Share on other sites
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