Nats_16 Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 I have been seeing someone for 2.5 years, on the pretence that he is going to leave his current set up to start a new life with me. My gut tells me that he would like to leave but lacks the strength to do what is necessary. He is not married but owns a house with his GF and also has his own business. There have been 3 d-days and I view these as an opportunity that he could have left but chose not to, when I put this to him he says its not as simple as that as he cannot just up and leave. I have tried walking away many times as although I love him I do not want to waste any more of my time on something that may never happen. I have told him that if he was ready to leave his current life he would have done by now and tell him to figure out what he wants and when he is single to contact me, to which he replies if I walk away then it will be over for good. I am so torn between my head and my heart, what one do I follow? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lylalou Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 Nats he isn’t married and if he wanted to be with you he could, he is finding excuses, usually it’s the children but there are no children involved. If he loved you enough and didn’t want to continually hurt you because he is, he’d leave. Please, please don’t waste years of your life for lies and false hope and promises, walk away now as hard as it is. Thank you for your reply to me struggling. Run for the hills now lovely. Lx 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 Seems to me the other women who "get their man", do not sit around and wait whilst he takes the mickey. 3 D days and he hasn't left? You are definitely wasting your time. 1 hour ago, Nats_16 said: I have told him that if he was ready to leave his current life he would have done by now and tell him to figure out what he wants and when he is single to contact me, to which he replies if I walk away then it will be over for good. Call his bluff is my advice. He is playing you. He knows you love him so he feels safe that you won't leave no matter what. He can stay with his gf and continue his business and you will still be there when he feels like giving you some attention.. Stick to your guns, say "Fine." If he still does nothing and he lets you go, you were not that important to him anyway. Take no BS, no excuses. Do not cave. You will then know where you stand and you can then get on with your life 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nats_16 Posted April 19, 2020 Author Share Posted April 19, 2020 Thank you both for your responses, I cannot believe I have found myself in such a predicament. Before him I was a strong, fun, no nonsense woman, this situation has turned me into a paranoid emotional mess. I have walked away many times and he always finds a way to reel me back in. I have told him that he is causing me pain and he says all the right things such as I just need to sort my finances out, we will be together, he does lots of future talk. As I have already said there have been three d-days and I have also gone to his door and returned all the gifts he has bought me and he still does not want to let me go. He was due to get married when this all started, he was messaging me the day after he got engaged and the wedding has been called off. Part of me thinks that I should just walk and never look back as 2.5 years should be long enough for him to have made up his mind and done something about it but the other part thinks that I do genuinely want to be with him in a committed relationship and what if I walk away and he was genuinely going to leave and then ive ruined my chance. I hate this so much and the kind of thing I am doing behind his poor girlfriends back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nats_16 Posted April 19, 2020 Author Share Posted April 19, 2020 @JimmyNorthwhat is your take on this situation please. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 Three d-days and this guy isn’t married and doesn’t have children with this woman... Yeah, he’s not leaving anytime soon. Aside from the home, it’s not even that difficult for him to leave. And the home is easily solved by selling it. i think you are wise to say these opportunities have come and gone, so what are you going to decide? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nats_16 Posted April 19, 2020 Author Share Posted April 19, 2020 @BaileyB I honestly don't know what to do, for the sake of my sanity I ned to walk away and never look back as this is a toxic situation. I want more from my life. We message from morning to night, he calls me every time he leaves the house and we meet when we can. I just cant help feeling if I walk away that I have lost my chance if that makes sense. Link to post Share on other sites
texasgreeneyes Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 What were the D-Days like? I mean, the GF still wanted to stick around after finding out about you 3 times? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Nats_16 said: @BaileyB I honestly don't know what to do, for the sake of my sanity I ned to walk away and never look back as this is a toxic situation. I want more from my life. I just cant help feeling if I walk away that I have lost my chance if that makes sense. I think you do know what to do, you just said it. As to missing out, I will ask - what will you be missing out on exactly? A conflict avoidant man who you know for a fact is capable of lying and cheating on a woman - for years. Is he actually a catch? Or, would it be a better plan to find a man of character who can love you and commit to you the way that you want to be loved? A man who will not make you feel like a paranoid emotional mess, holding onto your sanity while giving up your ability to self determination while you wait for him to... make a decision that he wants you and leave another woman? Friend, if he truly loved you he wouldn’t do this to you, he wouldn’t want this for you. He is doing what is in his best interest, that’s all. I know what my decision would be. I would chose my emotional health, my future happiness, over a man every. single. time. It is possible to love someone, and make the decision not to be with that person, because it is not in your best interest. Edited April 19, 2020 by BaileyB 2 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nats_16 Posted April 19, 2020 Author Share Posted April 19, 2020 @texasgreeneyes All three d-days were when I told his GF what was going on, she also rang me on another occasion and when I went to their home and posted back all his gifts she rang and asked if it was me to which I was honest. He was thrown out their room on the second confession and has been in the spare room ever since. They appear to lead relatively separate lives to a degree but that's not unusual. I think that when weve had the d d-days he has wriggled out of them and made out im some crazy bunny boiler. I just don't understand why he will go to the lengths he does to be in contact with me and why he cannot just sit his GF down and explain he doesn't want to be with her so she can move on. I have also said to him that maybe he should try again at home but he states it is me he wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nats_16 Posted April 19, 2020 Author Share Posted April 19, 2020 Baileyb you are absolutely correct, I know in my hearts of hearts what I need to do, I guess it is hard to find the courage and the will power to do it and stick with it. The woman I was before I met him would never ever have accepted these crumbs so I ask myself what on earth I am doing. I tell him that he just thinks he is in love with me because if he truly was he would take the risks and change his life. Link to post Share on other sites
Difficultstuff Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 7 minutes ago, Nats_16 said: I just cant help feeling if I walk away that I have lost my chance if that makes sense. Not to be harsh, but you sound like you're still thinking there's some magic words or actions that you can say or do that'll get him to finally commit to you. He's the one who's had all the chances! You've let him walk all over you because of how much you love him. Yes, it's going to be hard to separate, but again and again he's shown you he doesn't have what it takes to be with you. I really hope you go with your gut now. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Nats_16 said: . I just don't understand why he will go to the lengths he does to be in contact with me and why he cannot just sit his GF down and explain he doesn't want to be with her so she can move on. To be blunt, that is easy to understand, he doesn't want to do that, else he would. Sorry! Like lot of men in affairs he likes having two besotted women in tow. Both women have shown him they are going nowhere, he doesn't need to change anything. His gf has tolerated you and you have tolerated his gf... What an ego boost, he is da man... Edited April 19, 2020 by elaine567 1 Link to post Share on other sites
texasgreeneyes Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 Nats, do you think that he is simply waiting for the GF to leave the home herself so that he doesn't have to feel like the bad guy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nats_16 Posted April 19, 2020 Author Share Posted April 19, 2020 Youre all so spot on. He is worried about his reputation and his friends finding out what kind of person he really is. I have said to him its not hard to do things properly, either make it work at home if that's what he wants or sit her down tell her its not working and then sell the house and go your own ways. He just wont do either, he says he is saving up so he has some money behind him and he has got a lock up to put his work tools in. I said that he must think im stupid if im expected to think that's a step In the right direction, I said his garage at home is obviously filling up. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 8 minutes ago, Nats_16 said: @texasgreeneyes when weve had the d d-days he has wriggled out of them and made out im some crazy bunny boiler. I just don't understand why he will go to the lengths he does to be in contact with me and why he cannot just sit his GF down and explain he doesn't want to be with her so she can move on. I have also said to him that maybe he should try again at home but he states it is me he wants. Well yeah, I can appreciate that. You’ve had three d-days, a woman who outs her affair partner three times and still sticks around would make me question her mental health. Remember, you are the woman intruding on their relationship... despite how he may tell you that he wants to be with you. He stays with her, time and time and time again.... Why does he go to the lengths he does to be in contact with you, despite the fact that he stays with her... I’m assuming that you are having sex with him, are you not? Look, clearly something is wrong with this guy if he stays with a woman he is not legally obligated to stay with, particularly if they sleep in separate rooms and live separate lives. I hate to state the obvious, but either you are not getting the real story or something is really wrong with this guy... either way, you should take it as your cue to stay away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nats_16 Posted April 19, 2020 Author Share Posted April 19, 2020 @texasgreeneyes that has crossed my mind but I have said to him that's not the right way to go about it as why should I only have him by default. Its not the same as him leaving to be with me if you see what I mean. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Nats_16 said: Youre all so spot on. He is worried about his reputation and his friends finding out what kind of person he really is. I have said to him its not hard to do things properly, either make it work at home if that's what he wants or sit her down tell her its not working and then sell the house and go your own ways. People breakup every. single. day. There is nothing bad about deciding that a relationship has run its course and going your own way. He is not married, it won’t look awful if he is dating another woman after the breakup. They don’t share children together, so they will be free to go their own way. Saying that he does not want to look like the bad guy is just another excuse, another reason to keep status quo knowing that women buy this crap all the time... Edited April 19, 2020 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 How old is he and how old are you, how old is the gf? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nats_16 Posted April 19, 2020 Author Share Posted April 19, 2020 The fact that he stays where he is after I confront his GF should tell me all I need to know really, he is not choosing me. I know contacting her is wrong as she is the innocent party but every time I have it has created an opportunity for him to leave and he didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 1 minute ago, Nats_16 said: The fact that he stays where he is after I confront his GF should tell me all I need to know really, he is not choosing me. I know contacting her is wrong as she is the innocent party but every time I have it has created an opportunity for him to leave and he didn't. True. It has also made you look like a desperate woman, trying to manipulate the situation such that you get what you want. You seem like a really reasonable, really nice woman. Is that really how you want to be perceived by others? Link to post Share on other sites
Lylalou Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 Nats you really know what you have to do, everything he has told you is what my MM said, we were constantly in contact too even when he was at home I’m the evening. But they like the status who two women fighting for him. Honestly he will carry on using you if you allow him too, please walk away, it’s so hard as you can tell I’m struggling today 9 months on, but nothing will change, promises to leave dates will come and go and you will continue to hang on just in case. Nats he isn’t going to leave. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 3 hours ago, Nats_16 said: have told him that if he was ready to leave his current life he would have done by now and tell him to figure out what he wants and when he is single to contact me, to which he replies if I walk away then it will be over for good. I am so torn between my head and my heart, what one do I follow? Call his GF and tell her about the situation. He seems to be a very selfish person, it's time that you think only about yourself as well! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 8 minutes ago, SummerDreams said: Call his GF and tell her about the situation. He seems to be a very selfish person, it's time that you think only about yourself as well! She has done that, three times. To no effect. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nats_16 Posted April 19, 2020 Author Share Posted April 19, 2020 He is 38, his GF is 39 and I am 35. I do not want to be perceived as a home wrecker, I have told him that this makes me look desperate but I am not. I am a genuinely nice woman. We have this really good friendship and I have told him that should he want to stay at home I will hold no hard feelings towards him. All I want is to know the truth and to base my decisions on the real truth not just the nonsense he feeds me. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts